2017 Resolutions and Predictions


The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority should retool under its new leadership and ensure that bus and subway riders … won’t be killed in accidents or by assailants, can count on getting to work on time and in and out of special events promptly, feel safe and can reasonably look forward to expansion.

Actually, this is pretty much the same resolution we wrote last year, and here’s what’s happened: we can anticipate shorter hours of operation and higher prices. How about a Metro line to the MGM Grand?

Under no circumstances would we like to see a new Redskins stadium, unless, of course, it’s in Washington, at RFK, and Mexico pays.

There will be a challenging new District Council — we know that already — and we think some sparks will fly from the Ward 7 seat occupied by former Mayor Vincent Gray, who appears to still have a bone or two to pick with Mayor Muriel Bowser. We wish Council Chairman Phil Mendelson all the luck in the world with this group. We predict that the edgy, progressive agenda pursued by the Council is going to attract the attention of the triumphant GOP congress, which will be feeling its oats. It’s quite possible we could go from “No Taxation Without Representation” license plates to ones that say “End Home Rule.”

Predictions: This is the year. We’re going to end those Stanley Cup blues with Ovie and Oshie. The Wizards will turn around, just barely in time to get into the playoffs. Another frustrating year in which Bryce Harper underperforms may lead to a trade. And if Strasburg gets hurt again, well, who knows. But Max Scherzer will pitch two no-hitters and give up a record-breaking number of home runs.

In a can-you-top-this, the Redskins and the Cleveland Browns will swap quarterbacks, as the Skins, in a fit of nostalgia and amnesia, get back Robert Griffin III in exchange for Kirk Cousins. Griffin breaks his passing thumb on opening day and the Skins go to 1-15, while the Browns, under Cousins, go to the Super Bowl against Tom Brady, where they lose to the Patriots on a last-play, rally-killing interception by Cousins. Lady Irony smiled big-time all year.

Midway through the year, it will be discovered, through information gathered from Secret Service personnel (who spoke anonymously, fearing that they would be fired and/or insulted on Twitter), that President Donald Trump had been sneaking away at night to Trump Tower, where he watched videos of his 2016 campaign rallies.

First lady Melania Trump, while playing hostess for three different state dinners for Vladimir Putin, will continue to refuse to move to the White House. Her complaints: it’s too cramped and she can’t find the bathrooms. She also said that she would soon be getting a single ticket to “Hamilton” “any day now.”

We predict that new neighbors Ivanka Trump and Michelle Obama will start having regular coffee dates at Tryst in Adams Morgan. Adams Morgan residents will complain about the lack of parking.

It was learned that after the popular former general James Mattis had been sworn in as the new secretary of Defense, approximately 500 Washington dog owners had named their pooch “Mad Dog,” including several teacup poodles. One cat was named “Nutty Kitty.”

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