Body & Soul

Georgetowner • July 4, 2013

**Dear Stacy:**
*I am asking this on behalf of a friend (no, really, I am). He was in a long-term relationship with a woman and they thought about marriage, but eventually he realized she wasn?t ?the one.? He broke up with her and she has not left him alone since. It?s starting to become a bit intimidating ? she?s showing up at work, he even saw her talking to his secretary outside the building. She keeps trying to contact him by calling at all hours, emailing him, making rude comments on Twitter. My question is why would a person continue to contact someone who has ended the relationship? He?s been quite clear about his intentions to no longer be in her life. What more can he do?*

***-It?s Not Over ?Til She Gets It***

**Dear Not over,**
The end of a relationship is difficult ? it?s rare to hear of a completely amiable breakup ? but this sounds like a little more than a case of hurt feelings. When we start to feel intimidated by another person?s behavior, we have to recognize that it may take more than ?It?s not you, it?s me? to make the separation complete. It sounds like Ex is stalking Friend. As such, this ventures into legal territory, so I talked to local divorce lawyer Regina DeMeo about what comes next.

?In the legal world, it is critical to have evidence,? DeMeo says, noting that it is important to compile documents, pictures and witnesses (that?s you, Not Over) to the harassing behavior. She recommends that the victim keep a record of all emails and texts, plus a call log and calendar of all incidents.

?Send a stern ?cease and desist letter? letting your ex know that no further contact is wanted, and will be considered harassment,? DeMeo says. After that point, she says to stop engaging the person. ?You need to go radio silent. Delete them from your Facebook and Twitter feeds, block them from your phone and emails?Tell others at work and near home, so they can be aware of situation, and if something happens, they can be witnesses.?

If all else fails, DeMeo advises victims to call the police (making sure to record the name of the officer who makes the report) and go to the courts for legal assistance. The bottom line is that Friend should take formal steps to protect himself.

***Stacy Notaras Murphy [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).***

Georgetowner • June 19, 2013

Dear Stacy:

I know this isn’t likely to get a response when I need it, but it’s still worth asking what you think about the disparity between husbands and wives, regarding gift-giving. The long story is that my husband totally dropped the ball with Mother’s Day. The kids had thrown together some cards from school, but he didn’t do a single thing to make the day special (besides telling me I could “sleep in,” after our kids already woke me up). Now it’s Father’s Day and I, unlike him, am thinking about it far enough in advance to even send a question to an advice column. Basically, I am 1,000 times more thoughtful than he is and I am having a hard time not “planning” to give him a horrible Father’s Day so he can see just how it feels. I know you’re going to tell me to talk to him – but what do I say? “You are a sucky partner, so I’m done making you feel special?”

-Angry in Advance

Dear Angry,
I’m really sorry you had a bad Mother’s Day. Does Husband know you had a bad Mother’s Day? And more specifically, was this something you actually said, not something you implied via passive aggressive pouting? My guess would be that no, Husband has no idea that you were expecting something that did not materialize. So yes, you need to talk to him.

But not now.

You need to wait and breathe and relax now that Father’s Day is over, and get a handle on what it is you want to say. We need to set aside the clichés about men and bad gift-giving (women actually are equally bad, btw, we just don’t get the press the guys do). You say you did not feel special – that is where we start. Many of us arrived at our first Mother’s/Father’s Days without much experience beyond rushing flowers across the country to our own parents, so please give yourselves a break about not being completely sure of what you expect and what you can give on those days. If this is important to you, then it’s important enough to use all the skills we have in the relationship to clear the air. In other words – say something non-accusatory about not feeling special on Mother’s Day. Include a line about wanting to help you both get what you need on those days in the future. Then you two can negotiate what feels right for your marriage.

Stacy Notaras Murphy www.stacymurphyLPC.com is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Nico Dodd • May 9, 2013

On Saturday, May 11, the annual Georgetown Garden Tour, presented by the Georgetown Garden Club, will open a select number of private gardens to visitors and runs 10 a.m. until 5 p.m. On Saturday, tickets can be purchased at Christ Church, at 31st and O Streets, NW. The church will also host an afternoon tea from 2 p.m. until 4 p.m. at the church’s Keith Hall, included in the ticket price, as well as a garden boutique which will offer for sale a selection of topiaries, porcelain and gardening tools as well as products from Georgetown-based porcelain company Middle Kingdom and products imported from Haiti.
Gardens on the tour “show how something beautiful can be created in a small, urban space,” said Elizabeth Shriver, president of the Georgetown Garden Club. Included on this year’s tour is Dumbarton Oaks Park on R Street. In the past, funds raised from the tour were donated to Book Hill Park, Montrose Park, Volta Park and Trees For Georgetown, Shriver said.

For more information about the Georgetown Garden Tour, visit www.georgetowngardentour.com.

GARDENS ON THE 2013 TOUR

Gardens West of Wisconsin Avenue

3304 R Street

A sophisticated garden with style and a sense of humor. An enormous cup pours water into the pool, imaginative sculptures abound, delightful touches throughout.

1631 34th Street

A clever, two-level small garden packed with treats. A comma-shaped pool has a marvelous Japanese maple like an umbrella over it. A secluded lower level has a waist-deep dipping pool with seating.

1552 34th Street

A brick-paved square frames an exuberant fountain, two large urns are planted with mondo grass. Plantings include the pink climbing rose Cecile Bruner, vitex, red crape myrtles, a fig, and a golden chain tree.

3415 Volta Place

An inviting garden filled with lovely details: a pool, lace leaf maples, a hedge of weeping beeches, Chinese red garden sheds, antique pots, a greenhouse, bamboo, and the soothing nearby murmurings of little caged birds.

3327 P Street

Juxtaposition of rectangles outlined with narrow flagstone borders, Buddhas from Bali, mondo grass edging for planting beds, a water feature with fountains, a fire pit, gas lights.

3313 P Street

A sequence of four garden rooms wrap around three sides of the house: borders for active gardening, a lawn area, a place for outdoor meetings and a seating area around the pool.

Gardens East of Wisconsin Avenue

1401 34th Street

This small lushly planted garden is partially enclosed by an old carriage house. The free-form pond features water lilies and lotus. Ferns and hellebores abound, plus Harry Lauder’s walking stick. By Rogers & Co.

Off Lovers’ Lane, on R Street between 31st Street and Avon Place

The Dumbarton Oaks Park Conservancy offers its own special tour at midday of the “wild garden” that was once part of the Dumbarton Oaks Estate – all designed by Beatrix Farrand. Pastoral delights and insights into garden restoration abound.

Listings and descriptions provided by the Georgetown Garden Club. [gallery ids="101281,149484,149498,149477,149504,149469,149509,149463,149515,149491" nav="thumbs"]

Georgetowner •

**DEAR STACY:**

*My husband and I are at odds on how to talk to our 5-year-old son about my brother, who died when I was 12. I think he is too young to hear about death. We have another 2-year- old son and I am really worried our 5-year-old will start to wonder if his brother will die. My husband is very religious and is not willing to lie to our children for any reason. We are about to spend a vacation with my family who always say a prayer for my brother at dinner. My sib- lings love to talk about my brother, and usually I do too. I don?t want to fight with my husband. I am considering not going, but that can?t be a long term solution. Help!*

?Honesty the best policy?

**DEAR HONESTY,**

You?re right ? not going is not a great solution for this problem. But I fully empathize with your flight-so-as-not-to-fight response. Who wants to argue with Husband, especially when he holds the moral authority?

My personal opinion is that ?Thou Shalt Not Lie? is absolutely not a mandate for full disclosure to a preschooler. Is Husband explaining the Boston bombings in specific, political terms? Are graphic photos being used to answer the question of ?Where do babies come from?? What about his annual take-home pay, is #1 Son aware of that number? We have to be mindful of the age group we are working with and adjust our language accordingly.

My advice is that you go about your vacation and answer #1 Son?s question as matter- of-factly as possible (e.g. ?We say a prayer for Brian because he died a long time ago and we still love and remember him.?). You follow up with the point that you are available and open to talking to him about this whenever he wants to or needs to. Don?t be overly emotional or dramatic ? he will mirror your response ? and don?t put words in his mouth (a la ?Don?t worry, Little Brother is very healthy and is unlikely to die young??). Reassurance and unconditional love are all he needs from you.

Now to the real meat of your question ? the way that Husband used the giant ?religious/ moral values? trump card to halt a healthy debate about parenting. This has happened before, right? Unless you create a map for dealing with such disputes, you are going to be cowed and minimized for the foreseeable future. Calm, connected, and balanced conversation about this is the only way to craft a game plan for your individual family. Get started by taking a meeting with the clergy member of Husband?s choice ? I think you might be surprised at the discussion that develops.

Georgetowner • April 24, 2013

**DEAR STACY:**
*Both my husband?s family and my own live in different states than we do. My family comes to visit us quite a few times throughout the year, which is wonderful. My husband?s family never comes to visit us. It seems to bother me more than him! I find it hard to believe his parents, especially his mother who has no other kids, never come and visit us. If not for us, then for our two small children, who barely know their own grandparents. I can?t fathom that they won?tcomeseeus?Iwouldbesohurtifmy family treated us that way! There?s no finan- cial or physical reason for them not to travel, and they?re very warm and friendly if we go see them. There?s no sort of family animosity. Should I be so bothered by the fact that they won?t make time for my husband or his family? Should I encourage my husband to confront them about it?
??Feeling Exiled*

**DEAR EXILED,**
I totally get this.
I know how hard it is to live far from family and feeling like we may only to see them (and, let?s be honest, enjoy their on-site support when raising kids) when we make the fairly compli- cated effort to export our family unit to theirs. Knowing the clich? that grandkids supposedly are catnip for grandparents, it is surprising that these grandparents don?t travel to see their own, especially since you know of no financial or physical reason preventing them from making the trip.
But the truth is, we just don?t have enough data. We don?t know why they won?t travel ? in fact, we don?t actually know that they won?t, just that they haven?t, so far. When we don?t have the facts, human brains tend to make up their own stories and then those stories take on a life of their own (e.g. They think we have a dirty house; they don?t like the food we prepare; they just don?t like us).
Unless I?m missing something, this prob- ably doesn?t need to be a confrontation at all ? although I?m sure it might feel like a charged topic on your end because you just haven?t been talking about it openly for so long. Help Husband take a deep breath and then launch a calm Q&A with Grandma or Grandpa about whether they?d like to come visit ?this sum- mer,? followed by the kind sentiment of, ?We?d really love to see you.? If they deflect or make an excuse, there is nothing wrong with asking about it. The end result you want is that they feel like they can be close to you ? that usually starts when people feel safe and comfortable communicating on that deeper level. Good luck!

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC. com) is a licensed professional counselor and cer- tified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertain- ment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).*

Georgetowner • April 10, 2013

**DEAR STACY:**
*My wife and I are expecting our second child this summer. I work full time (usually a 12-hour day) and she works from home part- time and also takes care of our five-year-old daughter. This arrangement has worked pretty well so far, but I?m starting to realize that I never have any downtime. I take our daughter to school every morning and as soon as I walk through the door at night, my wife hands her off to me and basically disappears. I realize that she has a lot on her plate and I don?t pretend I have more to deal with than she does, balancing her job requirements and dealing with school volunteer and so on. At the same time, I haven?t had a moment to myself in the last six months ? not to work out, not to meet up with friends, nothing. Even on the weekends, I am always in charge of our daughter because my wife uses that time to catch up on work that?s piled up from the week, or we are having ? family time? with all of us together. It?s very hard to talk about this without her getting defensive, and I know how whiny I sound, but I?m really scared about what it?s going to look like when we bring home a new baby.
?Drowning Already*

**DEAR DROWNING,**
I?m never completely sure, but I do think I can hear the strain in your written voice, as you work very hard not to sound like a stereotypical Pouty Guy who just wants his alone time. Let me assure you at the outset, you are not in the wrong here. Not even one little bit.
This situation is horribly unbalanced and that?s only going to get worse when New Baby shows up. Wife probably does need that time with the door closed each night. She sounds completely overwhelmed. That can?t mean you take up all the slack every single day. You both need to carve out some time for exercise (physical, emotional, and spiritual), not to mention finding some time to spend together.
I can imagine that her defensiveness has been a good reason to avoid this topic. But please recognize that dodging an important conversation like this only breeds resentment, a.k.a. the most corrosive relationship-killing bacteria around. We all get defensive when we feel we?re being attacked. So keep things calm with a little validation of her position. Follow up with ?I-Statements? like ?I am feeling overwhelmed,? and ?I am hopeful there is a way for both of us to get to feel more rested and fulfilled.? You can always call a professional to help guide this conversation, but holding it inside is not doing you (or Wife or Daughter or New Baby) any favors.?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC. com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • March 28, 2013

Dear Stacy:

I think I said something wrong and now my friend?s therapist is mad at me. Long story short, my friend is trying to get pregnant and has had her second IVF failure. I have three kids and we are trying for No. 4. Over lunch the other week I tried to explain that I completely understand her longing for that first baby, because I feel the same way in my longing for this one. Looking back, I think she kind of shut down the conversation at that point. Well, fast-forward to this week when I confront her about not returning my calls and texts, she tells me she is ?setting a boundary? because her therapist said she should. I don?t get this at all. Why would her therapist try to cut her off from her support system? What can I do to get back into her good graces?
?Wants to Fix It

Dear Fix It,
Give me a second while I get my gaping mouth to close.

Dear, dear, dear one. Her therapist is not ?mad? at you ? or at least, that?s not why she told Friend to set a boundary. The therapist may have advised Friend to set boundaries so that she is not triggered by people who suffer from tone deafness ? and my dear, that?s you.

I can imagine that you were completely genuine in your suggestion that one person wishing for a first child has much in common with another person wishing for a fourth. In fact, I am sure you meant it in the very best way possible, as a way of bonding the two of you together in this life experience, but you aren?t on the same page ? not by a longshot. Let?s both imagine Friend?s deep grief and utter shock that a mother-of-three might liken her circumstances to one actively struggling to become a mother-of-any. I do not mean to minimize your pain (not even in the slightest), this is just an apples to oranges situation ? strike that ? it?s an apples to a single, solitary orange situation.

Let?s shift this for a moment and focus on the very normal, yet often misguided way we humans often try to crowd into another person?s experience as a way of building intimacy. Sometimes, that backfires and people get deeply, devastatingly hurt. You can be a good friend without assuming you are both riding the same emotional roller coaster (in case I didn?t make my point before ? you are on two totally different roller coasters). My advice is simple ? learn from this misstep. Apologize from a safe distance on the other side of the boundary she has set (READ: via a phone call or voicemail), and then continue to respect the boundary. You can be a gentle, loving presence on the other side while you wait for her.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • March 12, 2013

*Dear Stacy:*
*I am really worried about my younger sister. She seems to move from relationship to relationship (more specifically, from guy to guy), with no end in sight. She once told me that she thought settling down like our parents would be a ?death sentence.? But now, she?s about to turn 30. All of her friends are getting married and she says it?s getting lonely and that she?s depressed. But yet she takes no real steps toward being partnered in any way. What can I do to convince her that finding a partner is not like serving time in jail? I?m worried she?ll never have the joy of finding somebody to live with and build a life with.*

*?Worried Big Sis*

**Dear Big Sis,**
**I have great/excellent/amazing/inspiring news for you. This is not your problem. The fact is, I?m not entirely sure it?s a problem at all, but regardless, you?re totally off the hook on this one. Take this advice for what it is: a clinical professional begging you to get off her back.**

**Please be realistic here. If all of her friends are choosing to get married, it?s likely that Little Sis truly comprehends that there is some value in following suit. Her statements about jail sentences are a defense and, frankly, some of us need our defenses when all of our friends are suddenly partnered and we?re left feeling like we?ve done something wrong.**

**I do trust that your worry comes from a good place ? the best place ? I honestly do. But please tread lightly here. No matter how much empathy and goodwill you have in your heart, it?s very hard to make unsolicited advice not come across as anything other than criticism. If she?s directly asking for advice, and saying she is lonely and depressed, then help her. This could mean helping her think through her relationships, helping her feel better about herself, or helping her find someone else to talk to ? in no way does this mean that you ?convince? her of anything. Taking that route will only make her feel like you don?t understand her (even though that actually may be true), which is going to make her feel even lonelier than she felt before.**

***Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).***