Body & Soul

Georgetowner • February 27, 2013

**DEAR STACY:**
*My life is a mess. My job, my relationship with my boyfriend, the house I try to keep up with while raising a soon-to-be teenager ? it?s all one big mess, and I don?t know where to begin to get things back on track. I?m sure I could use couples counseling to make a decision about how to move forward with my boyfriend. It would be great to get some career guidance as well (I have a very good job, but it?s boring and frustrating most days). But honestly, any?of those activities would take me out of the unbelievable mess my house has become. We moved two years ago and I still am living out of boxes. I would just end up feeling guilty about not using my time to finally get organized. For example, this is what happens when I go to the gym: I feel guilty about being there and leave halfway through, only to feel worse about myself once I get home and have no energy to clean. I just need some ideas about where to start.
-Under the Mess*
**DEAR UNDER:**
Let?s begin with what you are doing right. It sounds like you have a fairly non-stressful job and a long term relationship with Boyfriend. No part of your question addresses the complexities of single-parenting Preteen Child, so I?m going to trust that things are going pretty well there, too. If none of those situations are in immediate crisis, I?d say you have a lot going for you.?
See what I just did? I prioritized the three most important relationships in your life and pointed out that you are doing a lot of things right already. That is prioritizing. When we get overwhelmed with the mess and can?t even allow ourselves a complete workout at the gym (you have a gym membership already ? more points for you!), that suggests that our prioritizing skills need some work. The good news is that you already have the insight about what needs help, now focus on the momentum-building.?
There is one, simple, comforting, sure-fireway to launch you out of paralysis and into that magical momentum: outsourcing. Seriously. Finding the right people to help you get moving is taking charge. You don?t have to do this alone. Hire a house organizer to get a handle on those boxes (I recommend Lynne Mishele at CreativelyOrganize.com). Head to a weekend relationship seminar to help you and Boyfriend start that marriage conversation (check out the programs section at ImagoCenterDC.com). Book some time with a career counselor who can help narrow down your job wish list (call me, I?m happy to help you find someone nearby). Again, you do not have to do this alone.
My strongest advice is to start with the home organization. While your living space may not feel like the most important issue at hand, change in that area will have a huge impact by alleviating the stress you are putting on yourself every time you think about how deficient you are in this area. You will have a streamlined, organized space from which to make all those other choices.?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • February 13, 2013

**DEAR STACY,**
*I will be getting married this summer and have been having the hardest time planning the wedding. I won?t admit this to my family, but I think I?m really the ?problem.? Nothing is coming together the way I had dreamed it would. I don?t love our venue, but I can?t find a better place to have the reception. I don?t love the flowers, but we cannot afford anything nicer. I basically hate my dress ? it?s uncomfortable and too shiny, and we?ve already bought it so I have no choice. I?m just being a whiny, teary, angry mess all the time. What can you do when your dreams are not possible and you have no control?
?Bride-to-be*

**DEAR BRIDE,**
This sounds horrible and terribly sad. I?m not talking about the situation, mind you, but the mood of your message. You are making a decision to fuse your life with another person?s ? forever. Anxiety and worries about venues and nice flowers are all reasonable, but shouldn?t there be some excitement that supersedes those concerns?
I can?t offer tips for stretching your wedding dollars, and I won?t try to convince you that every bride looks gorgeous, no matter how shiny her dress is. I will ask if you remember the person you are marrying? That guy? Why not focus on him for a moment? I know it can be hard to turn off the images of the wedding industrial complex, but in reality, the big day is about joining two lives, not creating the best representation of your childhood fantasy wedding. When we take time to get grounded in our purpose ? a.k.a. building a new life with another person ? the other stuff looks better or, better yet, stops mattering so much.

You already know that there is something not right about your reactivity here, so give yourself room to get to the bottom of it. (Prepare yourself for my standard pitch for premarital counseling here.) What about scheduling a few appointments with an experienced couples counselor? Even if there aren?t any specific disagreements to tackle, dedicating some time to deepening your connection will help you refocus whenever worries about flowers and cakes start to bubble over. You also can start tonight, by sharing your anxieties with Fianc?, not to solve them, but to consider ways to set them aside together.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphyLPC.com) and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling.*

Georgetowner • January 30, 2013

*Dear Stacy:
I?ve been single for about 10 months following a breakup with the guy I dated throughout college and a year after (almost 5 years). After some time on my own ? including some casual dating ? I?m looking to begin a new relation- ship. I have no idea where to start. I met my old boyfriend at freshman orientation and never had to go through the process of meeting someone in a bar or at work or however you?re supposed to do it. I don?t want a hookup. I want a relationship that can turn into something more. So core values and family compatibility are a must. Oh, and I should mention that I have a very demanding job and not a ton of free time. Where?s the right place to meet the right guy?
-ISO Real Relationship Material*

Dear ISO,
First, congratulations on naming what you want! That can be a big obstacle for many young people who may be afraid to say that they do want the ?relationship material? rather than the casual stuff. I wish I could just refer you to the Real Relationship Material Shoppe (in Georgetown, naturally), but they?re closed for renovations, indefinitely. So let?s do some brainstorming.?A big part of this can be letting your friends and family know that you are looking for love ? networking is a useful tool. Also, consider branching out of your regular routine ? sorry about the lack of free time, but potential partners may not be visible if you are hiding in your cubicle. Take part in activities you like (seriously, only ones that you like, not the ones you think New Boyfriend might like), ones that allow you to be your best self. Of course you can widen your options with online dating, a matchmaker, or speed dating ? but in all those circumstances the advice remains the same: be yourself.

Finally, I want to dispel the myth that there is a ?right? place to ?find love.? Sadly, there is no exact location where this most precious of items is always in stock. You can ensure that you are in your own ?right place? by being open to the possibilities and welcoming of whatever form they may take (He may not look/act/work the way your fantasies have foretold ? get used to the unexpected). We do the most important work on ourselves, meaning that when the right paths cross, our eyes are open to see who?s right in front of us.

* Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your con- fidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Casey obrien • December 14, 2012

The holidays are looming closer, with the promise of holiday parties, alcohol and copious amounts of food. Here comes the phenomenon known as “The Holiday Seven,” or the average seven pounds one gains over the holidays.

The Happiness-Project.com suggests figuring out if you’re a moderator or abstainer. Moderators have an occasional indulgence, which keeps them satisfied with themselves. An abstainer decides which foods are off-limits beforehand, as they may have trouble stopping once they’ve started.

So, before you go to the party and eat two handfuls of chocolate covered pretzels, it’s helpful to come up with a game plan. Start by deciding before you go which foods you will stay away from, and how many sweets you will have. By deciding to stay away from the stuffed mushrooms, and allowing yourself a maximum of two cookies, you will be ahead of the game, and have a better chance of not indulging.

When hosting parties or dinners, use smaller plates, so when you fill up your plate, you’ll have less food. While serving the food, dish out the food in the kitchen, and only bring serving platters of vegetables and salad to the table. Try to put everything you want to eat on your plate in the beginning so that you don’t get too much by grabbing seconds. Eat a bit slower so that you can tell more quickly when you’re feeling full, rather than eating at high speeds and feeling much too full.

The holidays don’t just bring food, but also stress, and stress causes us to eat. Another way to control our eating habits throughout the holiday season is to control our stress levels as much as possible. Besides the obvious cure of working out – we all know it works, even if we might not like the act of going to the gym – avoiding the main shopping centers and their crowds will alleviate some stress. Instead, buy gifts online, or if you have to go out, don’t go during a peak time, like when the stores first open.

Just by changing a few things, you can make sure the only holiday seven you gain are presents.

Georgetowner • December 5, 2012

DEAR STACY,

*My family needs some help navigating the holidays. We are a newly blended family. I have two kids from a previous marriage, and my new husband has two kids from his. All the kids are teenagers and we both have full custody. We are making plans for our holiday gatherings this year, and I am frustrated with my husband?s complete unwillingness to shift his ?traditions? and create a new plan at our home with his new family. They always travel with extended family on Christmas, but I thought that with a new family come new plans ? at least plans as a ?family.? Am I wrong? Whenever I bring this up, I get the speech about accom- modating the kids? wishes and being patient until they are out of the house. I think they all should want to spend time with the rest of us ? we should be creating new traditions, together.*

*– All I Want for Christmas Is My Family*

DEAR ALL I WANT,

You have left out a few key details. For instance, how long, and to what extent, have your families blended prior to your marriage? More importantly, why you aren?t planning to travel with him and his kids? As such, I can?t be sure if you are meeting his ?complete unwillingness? with some stubbornness of your own, but let?s break this down.

Right now, you are combining households and assuming a completely new set of traditions will follow. This might have been possible if you were the parents of four kids under age 5, but you are the parents of four teenagers. Four teens with their own experiences and individual senses of displace- ment due to the new formation of your family. While all the storybooks would suggest that with just enough baking, deco- rating and general Christmas spirit, you might achieve the perfect holiday, the truth is that your goal should simply be enjoyable connection (at best) and overall survival (at worst).

This is not the time to assert yourself as the new matriarch. This is the time to be thoughtful with Husband, New Kids and with yourself. As long as you are communicating your feel- ings before/during/after, rest assured that this year?s schedule is not going to be the standard by which all future holidays are planned. Your attitude about being flexible, however, will be something they will remember. See how this goes and then have a gentle debriefing in January.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to Stacy@ Georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • November 28, 2012

DEAR STACY,

*My friend is getting married in the spring. He and his fianc?e asked me to do a reading at the wedding and I was happy to say yes. But in the meantime, she and I have had a few dis- agreements about politics and religion. Nothing earth shattering, but we do come at these things from different sides. It?s been highlighted at a few gatherings lately. Regardless of whether my friend agrees with my take on things (but, he does), her reaction to my views has been sur- prising. She has gotten angry and then pouted, ruining the evening for everyone else. Now my buddy tells me she doesn?t want me to do the reading anymore, because we ? fundamentally disagree? about faith. It?s their wedding, and I am happy to do (or not do) whatever they want, but I think this whole incident is highlighting something very wrong about their relationship. She is controlling and manipulative, and forces him to take sides against his closest friends. This doesn?t bode well for a long-term commit- ment, right? I?d like it if a friend of mine helped me avoid this kind of mistake. What do I do?*

*-Worried about my friend*

DEAR WORRIED:

I?ve said it before, but we outsiders really have no idea of what is actually going on inside another couple?s relationship. Thinking that we do is a real mind trap, so proceed with caution. (Notice me totally sidestepping the issue of mix- ing politics and religion at social gatherings…)

There is such a fine line between want- ing to help and sounding like you are trashing someone. If you do want to make your concerns known, be careful to read the situation and keep yourself out of the details. What I mean is, if Buddy actually is experiencing Fianc?e?s behav- ior as manipulative, but is not quite at the place where he can articulate it, you might become just the scapegoat his unconscious mind may be looking for. Here are some dos and don?ts if you decide to pursue the conversation:

-Do sit down with Buddy and gently tell him you are supportive of him, but concerned about Fianc?e?s attitude when faced with an opposing opinion.

-Don?t attack Fianc?e?s character in any way.

-Do pay close attention to Buddy?s reaction to your concern.

-Don?t push it.

-Do accept the verdict that you are not doing a reading at the wedding.

-Don?t bring it up again.

-Do remind him that you are there for him, whatever happens.

-Don?t mistake your role in all this ? you are his friend, but that does not mean you get a vote on this relationship.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacy- murphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertain- ment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*