Body & Soul

Georgetowner • November 14, 2012

**DEAR STACY,**

*I would like to comment on a recent column about an underemployed husband (Murphy?s Love, Oct. 3, 2012). I like your suggestion to the wife of the underemployed husband about how she can constructively represent his situation to those who ask about his job search. However, I believe that he was mischaracterized as some- one going through denial. Instead, he feels embarrassed because others may judge him by his employment status. That certainly will happen if he lives in the Washington, D.C., region.*

*Also, if he tells others that he is employed in a sales job, others will forever label him as a salesman without considering that it is an interim job for him. (While shopping or ordering coffee, people often forget that the people behind the counter may have goals outside of their current employment.) As do all people, the underemployed spouse wants to be understood, but he knows that most communication, including what job-search experts call ?networking,? does not promote understanding.*

*As someone who has a master?s degree and has been unemployed or underemployed for most of the last ten years, I speak from experience. For what it?s worth, I am single and 47-years-old. I haven?t any further advice for the wife because your advice is exactly what she and her husband need and because she seems to otherwise be enduring the situation very well.*

*?Sympathetic Underemployed Man*

**DEAR SYMPATHETIC:**

Thanks for the feedback. I definitely hear your argument, particularly with pop culture?s more recent interpretation of ?denial? as a derogatory term (e.g. ?it ain?t just a river in Egypt?). As part of a larger grief process, however, the denial stage is simply the period when we experience or re-experience the shock of a loss and find ourselves trying to return to the reality we had before things changed. This when we say ?Everything?s ok!? even when it?s not. It?s a coping strategy that is in no way a personal failing. My perspective was that if Underemployed Husband was in denial about his change in circumstance, it?s just a part of a natural grief process.

Your point about him feeling embarrassed and worrying about being labeled makes a lot of sense ? particularly, as you said, in our fair city, which while wonderful in many ways, has a ten- dency to be somewhat unfair in terms of status and judgment. I agree, embarrassment is quite different from denial, and I can imagine that if Underemployed Husband is, indeed, embarrassed, being told that he?s just going through a ?grief phase? would feel discouraging, at best, or humiliating, at worst. There?s no room for the latter in a healthy coupling. Thank you for the reminder.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Stacy Notaras Murphy • November 6, 2012

DEAR STACY:

My boyfriend of four years just moved into
my apartment in February. This is a big step for
us – we’re both 27 – and we took a lot of time
making this decision. Now I am finding myself
expecting an engagement ring at any moment,
even though he hasn’t mentioned anything about
getting engaged. I realize that when we decided
to move in together, part of me assumed this
was a precursor to getting married, although we
haven’t talked about it that way. In fact, thinking
back to many of our past conversations, it
seemed that my boyfriend was making the point
that moving in specifically was not a precursor
to marriage (e.g.: “This will just make things
more convenient for us,” and “It makes sense
financially” and “Let’s make sure our parents
don’t get the wrong idea and specifically explain
that we are not engaged…”) So I basically lied
to him by agreeing with his take on the situation
and have been lying to myself ever since. On top
of it all, I keep smashing through my desserts in
the hope of finding a ring at the bottom. Then,
I’m disappointed and kind of mean to him for the
rest of the night. What should I do

-Dessert Disaster

DEAR DESSERT:
First, please try not to be so hard on yourself.
You recognize that you are making your
Boyfriend pay for something he didn’t necessarily
order – that takes a lot of self awareness. You
didn’t lie to him. You entered into the agreement
with your conscious brain saying, “Sure, this
makes sense!” But when your unconscious brain
begins to revolt, it’s not a case of having been
dishonest with Boyfriend, you just were not as
conscious as you might want to be. I’d imagine
you were simply following his lead because the
idea of conflict around this is very frightening to
you. Let’s talk about that.

Many people in relationships are afraid to
ask for what they specifically want. We start
from the standpoint: “I’m not going to get it
anyway.. So, why put myself in a position of
being vulnerable?” But that is what love is, at
its best. Love is about being yourself, claiming
your feelings and making yourself available to
another person. If Boyfriend’s quotes are to be
believed, it sounds like you are partnering up
with someone just as scared of being vulnerable
and honest as you are. I have no idea if your true
wants are the same, but it appears that neither of
you are putting them out there. No wonder it’s
so confusing.

I’d recommend a sincere conversation. As
usual, focus on your own feelings, try not to
point fingers, and remain as calm as possible
so that his defenses do not prevent him from
hearing your message. What’s the message? “It
appears that I want more from this relationship,
and I’d like to know your honest, careful and
specific thoughts about whether that’s something
you want to provide.” Leave it at that. This
doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing negotiation,
just an all-cards-on-the-table conversation.

DEAR STACY:

My wife doesn’t want to have sex as much
as I want. We have discussed this; we even went
to therapy. Nothing has changed. I am thinking
about maybe having an affair. It would be nothing
emotional, because I still love my wife. My
needs just aren’t being met and she has pushed
me to this. I am worrying about the possible
guilt, however. I wish I could just explain the
situation to her and perhaps she would agree
that I can find someone for sex only? We have
two kids in high school. So, I don’t want to do
anything that puts our family at risk.

–Lonely and Looking

DEAR LONELY:

Thanks for writing in about what I know is
a tough, although common, topic. I hope you
notice that I am responding to “Lonely” and not
“Looking.” I can hear that you are lonely, but I
don’t think “Looking” is who you really want to
be. Let me explain.

People get married for many reasons, but
just sex is never one of them. Especially not for
a father of two who readily admits he still loves
his wife and has tried couples therapy. No, that
person is maybe, possibly and perhaps looking
outside his marriage because he is depressed
and wanting to feel connected to someone,
namely, his wife. I’m sure you already know that
the root of her low sexual desire could be physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. Meanwhile,
you didn’t give numbers. So, we also cannot
rule out that you actually might have an elevated
sex drive with roots that are also physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. In other words, this
is a very subjective subject.

At the end of the day, your wants do not
match up with those of Wife, the one person to
whom you have committed yourself for many
years, created a home with and raised a family.
Wow. That does feel lonely and depressing, and
fantasizing about some new options makes a
lot of sense. But let’s brainstorm for other ideas
(see a doctor together; negotiate a schedule that
meets you both halfway; see a certified sex
therapist) that don’t, as you say, put your family
“at risk.” Because an affair will put your family
at risk. No doubt. Guaranteed.

Trust me, an “unemotional” affair won’t
work out the way you are imagining it could.
Otherwise, you would already have an open
marriage and wouldn’t be asking my opinion.
Even if Wife heard you, understood you and told
you all was well, this decision will change the
way she views you. It also will change the way
she views your family, and – most insidious and
damaging – change the way she sees herself.
That’s a very long road to repair. Do this the
right way. Go back to therapy; go back to talking
about it. Don’t turn this into something that
she’s “pushed” you to do. Make these decisions
together.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional
counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist
practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.
com, and you can follow her on twitter @
StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com. [gallery ids="102463,120867" nav="thumbs"]

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

DEAR STACY,

My husband was laid off from his job last year and spent eight months looking for some- thing in his old profession (consulting). He finally took a job in sales over the summer, but is now making 30 percent less with this new job and is spending a lot more time at work. We knew all of this before he decided to take the job, and we both said we would live with these challenges, because he really needed to do something.

I’m not writing for advice about how to deal with this life change. It’s a major change, and we’re dealing with it. What I need is advice about how to approach this with our friends and family. My husband has not even allowed me to tell my parents he found a new job. He hasn’t told his own family yet, and we aren’t talking about it with friends or people at our child’s school, all of whom knew he was laid off, have been kind and have asked how things have been going. He tells me that this job is just a “place- holder,” and he doesn’t want people to think that he has changed careers. Someone gave him the advice that it might prevent people from think- ing of him when it comes to jobs in his preferred field. Whether or not I think that’s valid advice (sorry, I really don’t), it’s making it very difficult when people ask me what’s going on. He doesn’t seem to understand that I get that question a lot more often than he does, and that just changing the subject doesn’t work every time.
–Nothing to Say

Dear Nothing to Say,

First, I am very sorry that your family is dealing with this incredibly difficult situation. You are specifically asking for help with managing the outside view of this experience, and that part really sounds like a public relations night- mare. You are the involuntary spokesperson for this organization (aka your family), and as in most corporate crises, your partner (Husband) is too frazzled to really understand the role you’re playing. So I’d advise you to get out of that job. First, though, a little perspective on what Husband might actually be going through.
To me, this sounds like a grief stage – denial. I know we have covered this topic in this space before, but Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous five stages of grief (denial, anger, bar- gaining, depression and acceptance) often don’t occur in a manner that is at all linear or time- limited. It is likely that your husband went back to mourning his previous job upon making the decision to take his new position. No matter how upfront and honest you both were about the results of taking a job that requires more time to pay less money, that decision still has its emo- tional shockwaves. Asking you, demanding you to play the PR role with your friends and family is likely part of his denial process.

The good news is that his denial is a process. The bad news is that his denial is his process, so we can’t just talk him out of it or convince him of some new way of looking at it. What we can do is give you some language for excusing yourself from mouthpiece duty.

When those well-meaning folks ask you about his job search, you do not have to lie. Simply follow his script. Say he’s found a place- holder, but that he’s still interested in finding something in XYZ consulting. Then shift the conversation by asking if the person has any leads. You never know, that person just may be waiting for you to ask.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed profes- sional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on Twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Charlene Louis •

Like most of you, bikini season has once again snuck up on me, left me unprepared to be bare, and having me find creative methods to cover up. But could there be a solution to my woes? DC DermDocs may have come to my rescue by offering body sculpting treatments that are non-invasive, requires no recovery time and gives the confidence needed to sport my favorite two-piece.

Body sculpting has taken cosmetic surgery by storm. More and more people are seeking the various options available to achieve the body effects that they desire. DermDocs of DC is leading
the way in body sculpting cosmetic surgery by offering two of the newest methods to rid inches and fat. Just in time for swimsuit season.

Exilis is the newest technological marvel , approved by the Food and Drug Adminstration that offers the capability of dual function radiofrequency energy (radiowaves) in the same handpiece for the first time to the United States. The Exilis method can deliver the maximum thermal energy to the desired depth of subcutaneous fat while monitoring skin temperature and increase collagen to retighten skin. Exilis then breaks up fat cells, which is then drained through the lymphatic system and liver. With a total of only four 30-minute treatments and the ability to target multiple areas of the body, a patient can expect result in six to eight weeks. So say goodbye to stubborn saddle bags and belly pooches without going under the knife or injections.

Don’t have six weeks to get bikini ready? There is another
option.

One of the newest and soon-to-be most popular method for body sculpting is called liposonix. Liposonix is known throughout the medical world as being the one-treatment, one-hour, one-size, smaller body contouring method. With this new treatment method, Marilyn Berzin, M.D., and Dale Isaacson, M.D., can customize a treatment plan to treat those pesky pitches of fat. Liposonix will be available at DC DermDocs starting June 15 and will be the first in the Washington area to offer the treatment. This treatment method is made for those who don’t have time for multiple appointments and want a uniformed removal of fat cells.

How it works:

High-intensity ultrasound energy focuses on
the targeted fat, permanently destroying fat cells
beneath the surface layers of the skin (at least
one inch of depth).

A continuous lesion is created in the targeted
fat, and the skin layer is not harmed.

So, where does it go?

The treated fat tissue is removed through
the body’s natural healing and elimination process,
leaving you with a thinner, more contoured
waistline. This can take about eight to 12 weeks
for the body to remove all treated fat tissue.

Though the Liposonix treatment is a little
more intense than the Exilis method, there is still
no need for topical anesthetic. It is recommended
to drink fluids after the procedure and watch
your waistline shrink.

If you are interested in losing the cover up and having the confidence to sport your Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, visit DermDocs at dcdermdocs.com for more information.

DC DermDocs

1828 L. St., N.W.

Suite 850

Washington, D.C. 20036

202-822-9591 [gallery ids="100854,126799,126786,126795" nav="thumbs"]

Charlene Louis •

It goes by many names. Cottage cheese, orange peel, hail damage. But whatever you call it, cellulite has been a scourge for bikini and swimsuit wearers for years. Unfortunately, when women pile on the winter pounds, it tends to sit stubbornly on our hips, bottom and thighs … Just in time for summer. Since cellulite is a structural problem—the “cheese effect” only worsens as the pounds are added on. With age, hormones and genetics, the connective tissue that bands under the skin begins to stiffen and the fat cells they surround to become larger and push up into the skin. This creates the “cottage cheese” effect you that many of us wish we could eliminate.

But there is good news. The Food and Drug Administration recently approved a one-time treatment method called Cellulaze that helps diminish the look of cellulite. Using a very small cannula (a narrow tube that is roughly the size of a pen tip), the Cellulaze™ laser is inserted directly under the skin and a controlled laser is used to treat the affected area. The laser diminishes the lumpy pockets of fat, releases the areas of skin depression and increases the elasticity and thickness of the skin. Because the cannula is so small, Cellulaze™ is a minimally invasive procedure that can be performed under local anesthesia.

Wondering what the catch is? There are few locations within the District at offer the treatment (which will surely change in the next few months) and depending on the size being treated, the cost of the one-time only treatment can range from $5,000-7,000. In general, people do pay upwards of $10,000 for cosmetic work and other forms of surgery, but this amount may be seem like pocket change to those seeking more confidence in shorts and bathing suits.

For those looking for just a bit more confidence and not willing shed the skin pucker or the money for such a treatment, there are some at home remedies that can help reduce the appearance and provide you with the confidence to ask “Who wears short shorts?”

Steer from Salty and Sugary Snacks
In most cases, cellulite is simply part of the genes you were born with, but you can reduce their appearance with a healthy diet. This includes avoiding excessive sugar, which gets stored in fat cells and causes them to expand and try limiting your salt intake. Sodium causes fluid retention, meanwhile, which makes cellulite appear even worse.

There’s a Rub
Massages actually help reduce the appearance of cellulite. Because cellulite is comprised of fibrous connective bands between the skin and fat, the fat is pulled to the surface, causing the pocketed effect on skin. Pressure on the skin can help loosen the bands, stimulate circulation and drain excess fluids.

Drink and Be Merry
We’ve all been told to drink at least eight 8-ounce glasses of water per day. Not many of us are walking around with liter bottles, but by increasing our water intake, we allow our bodies to flush out the toxins hidden between the fat layers which help reduce the appearence of cellulite. When we consume more water our skin appears healthy and plump … which is much better than any lump.

A Lovin’ Spoonful of Flaxseeds
By adding flaxseeds to meals and salads, you can help the appearance of your cellulite. Flaxseed boosts collagen growth, the main component of connective tissue in our skin. By strengthening this, it reduces the appearance of cellulite. Just sprinkle a couple of tablespoons daily on oatmeal, cereal and yogurt to help prevent cellulite.

Georgetowner • November 1, 2012

DEAR STACY,

I am a fit, healthy, 29-year-old woman and I hate dating in DC. It seems like in any other city, I would be considered desirable, but here I?m completely ignored. Guys my own age are only interested in one-night stands. Older men are only interested in women who are younger than I am. The bar scene is the worst, and the judgments are so fast and based on nothing realistic (I actually have seen women padding their bras in the bathrooms ? are we in 8th grade?). The few real dates I?ve been on since the spring (when I ended a long-term relation- ship) have been less about the guy getting to know me, and more about him getting to know whether I would go home with him later that night (answer: no). I have heard that there are real men who like real women in the Midwest. I cannot believe I?m actually thinking about moving for the possibility that I will find love.

?About Done with D.C.

DEAR ABOUT DONE:

You?re right, DC is a tough dating market. Men and women alike have made similar com- plaints in my office, each with their own inter- pretations: men aren?t interested in real women, women in DC won?t date men who aren?t rich, men are superficial and sex-driven, women are
superficial and change the rules too much, and on and on. While I can?t advise you against finding a good Midwestern boy (I?d be a hypo- crite if I said that), I will say that you may not have to pack up your things and head to Indiana just yet.

The bar scene can be a tough place to meet that special someone. First, we need to do a thorough inventory of your approach and, ahem, require that you stay out of the bars if you truly are looking for love (Looking for a fun girls night? Bars are ok). Regard dating as you might consider a job search in a tough economy. Monster.com and the Sunday employment section can only get you so far. Network with your girlfriends, coworkers, volunteer mates (you should be volunteering, btw). Let everyone know you are open to meet- ing a Good Guy, but don?t make that your entire pitch. You want to meet a Good Guy who will {fill in with some specific, fun activity} with you. In other words, you want to create a picture of the life you want, and make sure that those around you have that image as well. That way, when they come across someone who might fit into that scenario, they already have the idea that you could be the right match. ?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacy- murphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertain- ment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • October 17, 2012

DEAR STACY,
My husband promised to get a vasectomy once we were done having children. Baby no. 3 just turned 2, and still, nothing has happened. We do not want a fourth. He has all the excuses in the book ? no time to schedule an appointment, changed jobs so health insurance changed, forgot to follow up with a referral. I?m sure that on some level he?s afraid of the procedure, even though he hasn?t said that. But I?ve had three C-sections, so I have a hard time not seeing him as a very lazy, selfish person. We have a great marriage otherwise, but this unspoken thing between us is taking a toll on me.
?Exasperated

DEAR EXASPERATED

Try to be supportive and understanding if a partner is nervous about going under the knife.
I am sorry you are feeling this way and appreciate your situation. Your frustration is completely valid. You thought you had an agree- ment and Husband has been using passive meth- ods to avoid following through. At the same time, I think there is more you could be doing ? particularly in terms of finding out more about his concerns. Sure, he could be afraid of the surgery, but we are just speculating until we get some real data.

You describe this situation as an ?unspoken thing? between you two ? let?s push in on that
key phrase. To get what you want, you are going to have to speak about it, again. But this time I am going to encourage you to be calm (breathe), gentle (use a soft voice), and curious (pause and be intrigued by what he says). Use the therapist?s trick of mirroring what he says, asking him to tell you more about how he feels. Do not inter- rupt and say something angry or judgmental. Ignore the urge to pepper the conversation with ?you should? and ?you promised? ? that route will lead to an argument or, worse, another delay tactic on his part. You need to know the real story behind his behavior, and he?s not going to feel safe telling you unless you make it safe for him to be honest. ?
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed profession- al counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counsel- ing. Send your confidential question to stacy@ georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • September 6, 2012

*Dear Stacy,
Well, here we are again ? another unceremonious breakup. This time I really thought things were going well, and even that I had overlooked quite a few issues (like his overbearing mother, his reluctance to actually plan a date) so as to make our relationship work for the last six months. But no, he now says he?s taken stock and realized that I?m just not ?the one.? I have lots of friends to take me out and listen to me complain about his insensitivity. They remind me what a great girlfriend I am, and tell me there are other fish in the sea. What I want from you is a clich?-free explanation for why this failed again, even as I tried my hardest to withhold my criticism and just make it work. What is going on with me that after 22 years of dating (I?m 37), I?m still getting dumped.
?Not the One*

Dear Not the One,
I?m so sorry you are struggling with this, but I do know one thing about your question: You aren?t the one, and neither is he. Hear me on this one, he is not ?the one? for you. Take heart in that. He wasn?t your match, and here?s why: When we meet our match, we don?t ?overlook issues,? we have the security and patience to work them through.

It is unfortunate that he realized you weren?t the Tami for his Eric Taylor before you did. But it sounds to me like you actually knew something wasn?t right, but you had already been convinced that your own judgment was not to be trusted. Perhaps you have bought into the suggestions of well-meaning friends or relatives who, when faced with the end of one of your relationships, asked whether you were being too critical about this or that. Over time ? and through 22 years of dating ? a message is sent that ?I must be doing something wrong here. So I will stop doing anything, and see what happens.?

But what happens when we don?t do anything (when try our hardest to ?withhold criticism and just make it work?), is that we aren?t being real in the relationship. This results in a pervasive fakeness, built on false expectations and interactions. Usually, the other party realizes he?s dating an automaton, and exits with one excuse or another.

So here?s my clich?-free advice: take solace in your girlfriends? positive cheerleading, and then stop taking anyone else?s advice. Set aside some time to think about who you are in a relationship ? maybe you don?t know? That?s a great jumping off point with a therapist or relationship coach. When you get clear about your needs and wants, realizing they are valid needs and wants, you will be in a better position to find a partner capable of meeting those needs and wants.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphylpc.com), and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).*

Georgetowner • August 22, 2012

**Dear Stacy: **
*My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. We have had some major downs where his drinking is concerned. I love this man with my whole heart and can see all the good in the world in him, but the fact is that he has an addiction to pain killers and booze. Though he isn?t drinking everyday, when he binges, it?s bad. Recently, he passed out at a bar and did not come home. Another time, he spent the whole night out partying with a friend. At that point, I had had it, and I packed his things. It was over. But now, I miss him so much it is making me crazy. I do love him, and I know he loves me. But is it worth it to try counseling? Or do I cut my losses and keep it moving without him? I truly have no idea how to deal with an addict. Everyone else has given up on him, and in a sense, I guess I did too by sending him away. But he is a good person, a good father to my kids when he is sober, and a good mate when he gets out of his own way.*
*?On My Own Again*

**Dear On My Own,**
Thank you for sending this and giving me the chance to use this space to walk you through this very common situation.

It is my opinion that a person can be an active, non-sober, addict and still be a good person. It is also my opinion that a person cannot be an active addict and still be a good partner/father/friend.
That distinction is really tough, because we can see the good and the potential in Boyfriend, but we cannot trust him with anything of value. I always think counseling is useful, and a session or two with him and an objective third party might help him see some of the impact of his behavior. But that?s not going to be an effective, long-term option while he?s an active addict. Whenever I work with a couple with an active addiction in the process, I require that the addict be in a 12-step program and have his/her own counselor on the side. It won?t work without such rules.

The hard part about addiction is that you cannot make him change. All the conversation and love and begging in the world will not make it stick. Boyfriend has to want to do it himself, and typically that does not happen until, as you note, everyone has given up on a person. ?Rock bottom? is defined differently for every person. For some, that only happens when the one person they love the most ? ?the one who never will give up? on them ? finally says, ?I can?t take it anymore.? Having him move out could be part of what gets him moving toward actual recovery. I know it?s an unbelievably difficult choice to make.

So if I?m giving advice, I?d say that you should pat yourself on your back for reaching the end of your own rope and making a decision based on the health and welfare of your heart and your kids. We can only control our own actions, so I?d say focus your energy on staying healthy, modeling good boundaries for those kids (who right at this moment are watching every move you make, and building their own foundations for what they will and will not accept in relationships for the rest of their lives).

Meanwhile, also please be gentle with yourself when it gets hard. When you miss him. When you are nostalgic. We all want to be in connection with another person ? that?s what we?re on earth to do. So please do not beat yourself up for grieving the loss of that in this person right now. That is what this is: grief. There are steps, there are stages, but at the core, the most effective healer is time and distance. Stop telling yourself this is something/someone to get over. This is more about just getting through.

We have no idea if Boyfriend will figure out his own side of this and develop into someone capable of being all you know he can be for you and your family. All we know is that you have reached a limit and that?s sacred. You have to trust that instinct and find support where you can.Take advantage of that extended family. Alanon is also a great community to help loved ones get free peer support around this exact situation. Let me know if I can help you find a chapter. Use those resources and it will get easier.

**Dear Stacy:**
*I want to get engaged to my girlfriend of three years, but I just don?t have enough money to pay for a good enough engagement ring. I know she wants something spectacular. Right now I can only afford something small. I will be so embarrassed if she doesn?t like the ring, and I know that will start us out on the wrong foot for our marriage. I want us to have a good marriage and I think that a good ring will help start us out right. I?ve looked at fake diamonds ? some of them actually look pretty good, I don?t think she would really know the difference. What do you think I should do? BTW, we are both 23 years old.*
*? Blingfree in D.C.*

**Dear Blingfree,**
Deep breath (for me). So many things are going on here that give me pause, I need bullet points:

? Ring size has nothing to do with the quality of someone?s marriage. If you believe it does, you are not ready to get engaged.

? Have you talked to Girlfriend about getting engaged? The days of shocking a girl with a ring in her champagne glass are over ? no one should be totally caught off guard when they are asked to make such a monumental decision. Therefore, no one should be afraid to talk about a ring budget before making a purchase. If you are afraid of this conversation, you are not ready to get engaged.

? Are you asking me if you should give Girlfriend a fake diamond and not tell her it?s a fake diamond? Are you also seeking advice about not starting the marriage out on the wrong foot? Can you see the dilemma here? If not, you are not ready to get engaged.

? Again for good measure: ring size has nothing to do with the quality of someone?s marriage. If you still think so, you are not ready to get engaged.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).*

Georgetowner • July 25, 2012

**DEAR STACY:**

*I married a man who I knew had different political
views than I did. For a long time ? 10 years
? that didn?t seem to be an issue, he had his
opinions (conservative) and I had mine (more to
the left). I actually used to find our debates to
be a turn-on. But now we have two little girls
and I am worrying that their dad?s increasingly-
Tea Party-like opinions about things could have
a lasting impact on them. I avoid social events
because I?m afraid he?ll say something embarrassing.
It used to be that we were from different
political viewpoints, but it?s starting to feel like
we have different values. Is this a good enough
of a reason to get a divorce?*

*? On the Left, Afraid of the Right*

**DEAR: LEFT,**

Are we looking for a ?good enough of a reason?
to divorce?

You are not the only spouse married to someone
with a differing viewpoint who is feeling
a little more pressured at this time of year (or
is it this time of every four years?). Thanks to
an unrelenting news cycle and lots of blinking
outlets for information, the regularly scheduled
arguing might just seem a little louder this time
around. But you just jumped from political debates
being a turn-on, to them being a reason for
divorce. That?s an enormous vault. Let?s look a
little more before we leap.

You aren?t too specific about how Husband?s
opinions could have a lasting impact on your
daughters, so I would rather not make assumptions
about the details. If you are worried about
their safety, then you absolutely should make arrangements
to keep them secure. But if you are
concerned about having their feelings hurt simply
by being exposed to a certain set of ideas,
remember that you can always be the personification
of the counter argument. In fact, together
you can teach those girls how to see various
sides to any issue. Not a bad thing to learn at
home.

But my suspicion is that your daughters? egos
are just a ?better? reason for you to get serious
about a rift between you and Husband. Have
you noticed other differences in recent years ?
thoughts on childrearing, conflict styles, interactions
with family members ? that also reflect
a shift in values? If so, please take the time to
talk with him in the presence of a third party
(clergyperson, couples counselor, etc.), before
making a decision about divorce. Being calm
and curious about his changes might help him
feel safe enough to really consider what?s driving
his evolution in the first place. Who knows
what you both might learn if you take some time
and start working on this together?

**DEAR STACY:**

*I live in a summer sublet apartment and my
roommate?s parents are visiting AGAIN in early
August. They were here for FIVE DAYS in June
to move her in. They came back to ?bunk? with
us for 4th of July, and now they?re planning their
third trip for ? fun? before they come back midmonth
to move her out. They stay in her room
when they visit, but they really take over the
whole apartment, not to mention MY LIFE for
4-5 days each time. I?m all for close families ? I
love my parents and talk to them on the phone
weekly ? but this is INSANE. I was expecting
a fun summer with lots of interesting stories,
but all I seem to have are details (and I mean
DETAILS) of their visits to all the Smithsonians
because they share them with me every minute
I?m home.*

*-Mommy and Daddy Issues*

**DEAR ISSUES:**

WOW. You don?t say anything about the size
of your sublet, but I?m assuming it?s not big
enough for you and a family of three on a biweekly
basis.

I feel for you, but really, you must know what
I?m going to say? All together now, Have you
said anything about this directly to Roommate?
If not, stop reading this and give her a call. Right
now. Just go.

This behavior is baffling, to say the least, but
perhaps Roommate has no idea how uncomfortable
this makes you feel? Maybe she feels just
as uncomfortable and would just LOVE an excuse
to get them not to make the drive into town
next month? Or she might have a good reason
for wanting all this Mommy/Daddy/Daughter
special time. Be calm and ask her to clue you
in. Let?s give her the benefit of the doubt and
see where that leads you. If she fails the ?Dude,
seriously?? test, then you can just meet them at
the door next time with a prorated bill for their
share of the rent and utilities, and chalk it up to
learning a life lesson about the right questions to
ask any future roommates. ?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional
counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist
practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.
com, and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC.
This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com.*