Body & Soul

Georgetowner • July 9, 2012

**DEAR STACY:**

*We just had our first baby and I have zero energy for anything. My husband and I are fighting all the time. I have a sharp tongue when I?m angry, and it hurts his feelings. After the argument is over, I usually realize that I jumped to a conclusion or was overreacting to whatever he had said or done. I feel so guilty but I am able to admit when I?m wrong. I apologize and we move on. But I would really like some tips on how to keep from getting so angry in the first place! We never used to be like this. Things used to be very simple when we disagreed about anything. But these fights always seem to take place in the middle of the night, when our son is up screaming. I don?t want to keep having the same argument all the time. What can I do?*

*? Suffering and Sleep-deprived*

**DEAR SUFFERING,**

I know it?s cold comfort at this point, but we?ve all been there. Anyone who has brought a child into a once-simple household and seen the almost immediate carnage can relate to your situation. We also can tell you that this, too, will pass. Okay, enough with the unhelpful clich?s.

You are asking for tips on being less reactive in the moment, a moment which usually takes place in the middle of the night, obviously without the benefit of a fully-rested mental state. My first tip is: Please don?t expect too much of yourself under those circumstances. If you can muster a little self-empathy it will go a long way to helping curb your reactivity. Next, try to notice what happens in your body when you start to get angry. Does your breathing get shallow? Do you feel tension in your neck or stomach? Make a mental (or physical) note of these indicators so that when they appear, you will know what is about to happen and you may be more capable of getting a handle on your anger before you lash out.

Next, breathe ? humor me and just do it. With practice, deep breaths (instead of nasty retorts) can become your automatic reaction to when you feel your body start to tense up. This process will clear your mind, or at least help you bridge to the point where you can see if you might be jumping to that wrong conclusion.

Then mirror what your husband is saying. Give it back to him, word-for-word, without interpretative voice inflection or attitude, and ask, ?Did I get it?? This serves two purposes. First, it lets him know that you heard him, calming his own anxiety in the moment while making him more receptive to your views. Second, it allows him to hear what he said ? he?s likely sleep- deprived as you are, and we all say things we don?t exactly mean at those times. Your husband can hear what he said, pause and decide if that?s really the message he wants to send. He can revise it or not, but I promise you he will be less defensive if you use this technique.

All of this is to help de-escalate the conflict in the middle of the night. Mirroring will not solve a disagreement about co-sleeping or how many blankets Baby needs. But it will buy you some time, and build up some goodwill between you. This will help avoid the tired routine of recognizing you were wrong, feeling guilty, and apologizing the next day, when it?s even more likely that you haven?t had much sleep again, either.

**DEAR STACY:**

*My husband got a new cell phone and started using a passcode to open it. He didn?t keep his old phone locked this way and I never found anything to worry about when I looked through it, but now I am starting to be suspicious. What should I do?*

*?Phone-Focused*

**DEAR PHONE-FOCUSED,**

So you have a habit of reading Husband?s texts and emails when you start getting suspicious about him, and now you are frustrated that you can?t get a quick fix to calm your anxiety? I wonder … Could this habit have something to do with his decision to get a new phone?

We don?t know from your letter if Husband?s job requires him to lock his phone (many do) or if you have talked to him about your doubts (probably not). What you do provide is some insight into how you may be managing your anxiety about your relationship: you check up on him and then breathe a sigh of relief. His new technology has removed this coping mechanism, and so you need a new one. Let?s celebrate that you wrote to me requesting relationship advice, and not to a techie forum requesting tips on how to hack into his device. That shows you are interested in improving your partnership overall ? a very good start!

I?m going to invite you to do a very honest inventory of whether you have a good reason to be suspicious about his activity. If he has been unfaithful before, how did you get through it? Did you work on your relationship together, or push the hurt and disaffection under the rug? Consider airing it out again (for best results, with a trained professional).

But if Husband has not given you a concrete reason to be distrustful, continue your honest inventory by looking at yourself ? your history, parents, friends, etc. If you are worried that Husband could become a jerk like So-and- So?s ex, perhaps you could explore your fears in a manner that is more healthy and life-giving than playing Nancy Drew.

Whenever we find ourselves doing something unconscious (which is what all that phone- patrolling really is) to allay our fears about a relationship, the faster and easier path to wholeness usually is becoming conscious about our motivations. Not an easy choice, but much more satisfying in the end. ?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on twitter @ StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Dr. Dorree Lynn • June 18, 2012

I couldn’t stand my husband’s terrible snoring another minute, so I’ve been sleeping in the guest room. I love the peace and quiet, but now we rarely see each other. How can we keep the romance alive?
– Betty, 57

An estimated 20 percent of American couples do not sleep in the same bed. This is not necessarily a sign of a poor relationship. With age, people are willing to experiment and create their own comfort zones. Some people find that they need more alone time or that their partners’ snoring or rolling
around in bed really troubles them. There is a difference between sleeping apart because you just don’t like each other anymore and choosing to sleep separately for comfort’s sake. If it’s the latter, it’s important to make the time and effort to meet, greet, and connect with each other for sharing, intimacy, and lovemaking. Even when you sleep in the same bed, if you go to bed at different times, it helps to make a conscious effort to bond with each other for the sake of your relationship and sex lives. Find some time each day to cuddle and connect in bed, with or without sex.

One way of keeping passion and sex alive is to consider making love in new places, like a night in a hotel, or for those who are adventurous, remembering the passion of your youth on the living room floor, or in front of the fireplace, or maybe even on a kitchen table. If a new environment is a turn-on for you be creative, and find new places to keep sex alive.

If you can only do one thing to make your bedroom an oasis for you and your partner KEEP STRESS OUT. If possible put computers and work papers someplace else, and above all save all stress-producing conversations (about money, children, sick parents, grandparents, illness, and whatever might raise your blood pressure) for outside the bedroom. Once you enter your special space try to protect yourself and your partner from all sex-chilling stress of any kind.

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy:

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up three months ago (her idea). She wasn’t happy. She wanted to go out more and wanted me to be more social than I really am (I’m an introvert, plain and simple). I started dating someone new, and it’s been pretty casual between us (she travels a lot for work) and I’m happy. At least I thought I was until my Ex updated her Facebook profile to show that she is “in a relationship” with a new guy. I thought I was over her and had moved on with my life, but seeing this update makes me so angry I can’t see straight. We’ve had some contact since the breakup (occasional texting, I ran into her at a party) and she has said nothing about the new guy. Then, suddenly she’s in a committed relationship out of the blue, and my friends are all asking me what I think about it. When I think about it, I’m not jealous, really. I’m just angry at her for making a public announcement like this without telling me first. I never changed my [Facebook] status to show I was dating someone new, because it’s not serious. I’m just so angry that she would tell me like this.
-Blood-boiling in Arlington

Dear Blood-boiling:
I’m so sorry that you are feeling humiliated – no one likes that feeling — and I’m impressed that you can already name it amid all the boiling blood and such. Your anger (Justified? I’m not sure . . .) makes sense as it functions as a surface emotion giving your mind the “permission” it needs to experience the humiliation. That’s what anger is, a surface experience giving us clues to a deeper, more difficult emotion. Your humiliation may be part of what’s driving the anger, but I would also imagine there was a little bit of denial operating under there as well. You got into another, very “casual” relationship soon after the breakup of a long-term coupling. This hints that you may not have really worked through the pain that comes when any relationship ends – regardless of who chose to exit first, there is always sadness and mourning when a partnership ends.
As you said, you “moved on” quite quickly into a casual dating situation with someone who is not overly available. This also suggests that you were working to find a quick fix to numb the pain of the breakup. So, here you are, several months later with a still burning wound lacking any intentional medical treatment (stick with this metaphor, I’m getting somewhere, I promise). Her status update was a new blow to that still-tender gash – super painful and undoing any of the minor remediation provided by New Girl’s presence. You need to clean this wound: e.g., pay attention to all the feelings of the breakup (which included basically being rejected for who you are and how you like to spend your time – not exactly easy to swallow). Process this grief with a friend, mentor or counselor, and finally set yourself to healing from this. Oh, and stop reading her Facebook updates. That’s masochistic behavior, and you need to start treating yourself better.

Dear Stacy:
I’m feeling caught in the middle of an argument between friends, and I need some advice. My friends, let’s call them Ross and Rachel, recently got married. We are all 24 years old, friends from college and former group housemates. They are now off living on their own and not adjusting to marital life too well. Both are complaining about the other to me – fights ranging from who should clean their apartment to how much money they should be saving. Rachel is miserable at her job, all her friends know it, and wants to quit, but Ross is not supportive. I’m really on her side about this, but he keeps talking about it. I feel like I’m being dishonest even listening to his rants about her selfishness. The short question is what advice to give about Rachel’s job since I really think she should quit. The larger question is how do I deal with my friends and their dramas now that they are a married unit?
-Middlegrounded in Northwest

Dear Middlegrounded:
You’re describing a very common, tricky situation as we transition from the Roommate Phase of life into True Adulthood. I completely understand your sympathy for their conflict, but I want to let you off the hook: this is not your problem. It’s a subtle shift, to be sure, but their move from housemates to lifemates necessitates another round of cord cutting. Ross and Rachel chose to leave the group house nest and start a new life together, meaning they cannot rely on the old process of going down the hall to complain about the odd housemate out. They are in their partnership together and need to sort through these issues on their own.

The good news is that you really don’t have to be the one to lay down the law about this new life phase – they will make this realization on their own with time. What you can do is use the so-called “smaller question” about Rachel’s job troubles as an exercise in boundary-setting. You are beginning a new phase in your relationship with them as well, one where you will not want to become the tiebreaker voter – believe me, taking on that role a few times will guarantee that when Couple realizes they are in a two-person marriage, you probably won’t even have a place as a confidant anymore. You aren’t less of a friend just because you don’t process their every move the way you used to – rather, you are evolving along with them. This is about growing up, and it’s not pain-free. Protect your investment: Tell both that you love them and admire their commitment so much that you don’t want to get involved. It’s the best long-term solution here.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed, professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com)

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

There are more people talking about the value and sanctity of marriage than there are actually people standing before one another saying, “I do.” Recent studies that revealed that marriage rates were down in the United States — lower than they’ve ever been, in fact. This has rattled marriage protection groups and fueled the conversation over the definition of marriage and its role in modern society. From same-sex couples who want the protection of marriage to domestic partnerships for widows/widowers who refuse to remarry for economic reasons, marriage is a single-source-topic but nobody is on the same page.

What is most important in a marriage: legal protection, shared benefits, status/recognition or the commitment that comes with marriage? It’s a simple question, one that would suggest a simple answer, but marriage is structured to accommodate people of all kinds and with all reasons for why they want to get married. Some marry for money; others for love or for the love of something. Some marry hoping for everlasting love; others marry knowing it will never last. Whereas people once felt the need to get married in order to have children, many seem perfectly happy raising children as single parents.

Studies show that with or without a ring, healthy long-term relationships produce healthy long-living people. One does have to wonder why the issue of marriage takes on such significance. Perhaps the non-marriage is a backlash to all of the years of witnessing so many unhappily married couples, acceptance of affairs, political and Hollywood influence, etc. Possibly, it’s a good time to rethink if we’ve gone too far in the opposite direction.

The major difficulty with marriage is that it’s hard work. Nobody ever teaches the tools to make it work well. We still have an image that a good marriage should flow effortlessly, but that’s mere fantasy. One of the biggest challenges, especially in our workaholic Washington, D.C., is that our priorities are upside down. Most people give their all at the office and give leftovers at home. Just imagine if we flipped it. Picture it as a strong tree, if your roots are strong, your tree will stand strong. But if your tree is flipped, your branches won’t support you like the roots do!

Ultimately, the backbone of marriage is the bond between you and your partner. It is the love you have for one another and share with one another. There is no legal paper with a stamp on it, no word or term, no social stigma that can affect that bond, and that is something that is created between you and another person, from the efforts of each of you. You cannot allow yourself, your partner or your love to be affected by outside influences including religious debates and Hollywood flings.

The fundamental tools of marriage are communication and the knowledge that sex is more than penetration. Nurture your relationship by keeping your bedroom a romper room (no dirty laundry, medicine bottles, sports equipment), and remember that foreplay begins with “I love you” in the morning. But when it comes down to whether or not to say “I do,” just remember that actions speak louder than words, and a marriage is something you do, not something you say.

Georgetowner • May 16, 2012

**Dear Stacy:
I am married to a smart, beautiful woman. We have a young daughter and live in the city. We met in law school and my wife now works for a medium-sized law firm. I am a government attorney. We always knew that in taking our respective paths, she would likely be the primary breadwinner in our family. But now, with our expenses getting higher (daughter will start private school this fall) and the frustrating federal government pay freeze, the disparity is too much for me to ignore. She makes twice what I do and I seem to be thinking about it all the time. We have discussed my feelings a few times, but I know it is hard for her to even humor me, when we both knew this would be the situation when I took a government job. So I try to ignore it, but I know it ?s coming between us. She knows something is off with us, too, but I don’t think she sees it as a financial issue. She asked me if I’m falling out of love with her. I don’t think I am, but it?s very hard for me to feel like a man when I have to ask her permission to buy a song on iTunes.
-A Plummeting Testosterone**

Dear Plummeting:
I appreciate your honesty here, and am hoping you will consider being as honest with your wife during your [inevitable] conversation about the situation. But first, I need some clarification.
Is your frustration about the more abstract concept of who wins what bread and where, or is it that you are actually being nickel and dimed, RE: asking permission to buy a song on iTunes? Does Wife really demand that you preauthorize all purchases? Or have you started asking her permission as a passive aggressive way of acting out against the frustration of this arrangement? Or did that just sound good when penning an anonymous letter to an advice column? This distinction is important. Choice #1 suggests you are living with a tyrant, while #3 reflects the joy of anonymity in an online society. But #2, in which your rage seethes behind thinly veiled deference to Wife as Head-of-Household, is cause for serious alarm. If this is the case, you are dead on that she thinks things are off between you.

Contempt and defensiveness are two of John Gottman’s ?four horsemen of a relationshp?s apocalypse. When present and allowed to grow, these traits poison a marriage. Not talking about your feelings and self-censoring just because you knew you might have them when you made a certain career choice years ago is sabotaging your relationship and this has got to stop. It is completely natural to struggle with this [somewhat] countercultural power dynamic. Pretending you are ok with it, no matter what, is disingenuous and debilitating. Get yourselves into dialogue (please consider allowing a neutral third party to help: counselor, clergyperson, etc.) so you can let yourself make room for these emotions and find healthy ways to release them.

**Dear Stacy:
My husband of five years is clinically depressed. He has struggled with this condition since high school and manages it with medication and weekly therapy. This has been the case since we met, so it ?s something I’ve always accepted. But lately, I feel like his therapist is interfering in our personal lives too much. Any disagreement we have comes around to him saying, “Well Nancy says… I don’t know how to react to this. First off, Nancy is not a part of our marriage and I don’t care about her opinion. Second, she has never even met me, so she ?s getting a very one-sided view of the story. I have drafted a letter to her that I would like to send, explaining my side on some recent conflicts in our household. I think she needs to hear both sides before making these declarations about how our family decisions should be made. Do I have to show it to my husband before I send it?
-Letterwriter**

Dear Letterwriter:
As a therapist myself, I’m taking a deep breath before jumping into defend Nancy?s honor here. You have every right to feel frustrated that Husband invokes her name whenever you face a disagreement. That must be an absurdly irritating little tic Husband has developed. But it also seems absurd at least to me that Nancy would have an opinion about every little family decision you are facing. The 50-minute therapy hour, even weekly, is not enough time to cover that much ground. Let me propose a different scenario.It sounds like Husband is using the standard blame the therapist? technique to insert opposing points of view into his conversation with you. I?ve prescribed this method several times ? why have a therapist if you can?t blame her for contrary ideas once in a while? Nancy should have a confidentiality policy (one which would likely require her to show your letter to Husband before any response, by the way) making it impossible for anyone to fact-check whatever he says she said. In other words, taking this up with her is a non-starter. Lets focus on what you can do instead.
The next time Nancys opinion is inserted into your argument, try and take a moment to mentally reframe the statement as being what Husband really, really wants you to hear. He wants you to hear it so deeply, that he is willing to give up ownership of the position, just so that you might actually take him seriously. It?s not a great method ? it obviously has you more defensive now than ever ? but it?s the way he?s choosing to tell you what he needs most. If you are able, in the moment, mirror what he ?s saying and then gently ask him if that is what he really wants. See if you can get back to conversing one-on-one. If you need a little help, feel free to have Husband ask Nancy for a referral to couples therapy.

***Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).***

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

For what seems like forever, I’ve been working to raise awareness about the alarming increase in STDs in the over-50 population. The biggest semi-secret is the supposed safety of Assisted Living Facilities (ALFs). All too few are neither aware of, or want to openly acknowledge that our parents and grandparents are still having sex! It’s like when we were kids and we said “yuk” at the idea of our parents “doing it.” Even with Alzheimer’s and dementia, though recent factual memory fades and inhibitions wane, desire remains.

I recently met with an RN who works in an ALF in Florida who confirmed my fears. “People are shacking up all the time,” she said on condition of anonymity, “but nobody really talks about it. It’s often innocent…there are a lot of ‘lost husband/wife’ cases, people pretending to be married because they don’t know any better…They can’t help it. They forget who they are and where they’re supposed to be sometimes. It’s an issue that everyone has come to know, on some level or another, but nobody’s taking any action to discuss it, much less help prevent it.”

Education and acceptance are the keys to unlocking a safer future for our older population. Many people over the age of 50 have never been tested for STDs, much less feel the need to. The majority of safe-sex programs are for the younger generation and statistics show that they work. Our well-seasoned population didn’t grow up talking about STD’s, and they still don’t. They’re often unaware that they could get an STD and, more often than not, doctors don’t consider that these elders are having sex. As a result, they often misdiagnose STD infections.

To find out what is being done about it, I contacted the Executive Director of one of the most respected ALFs in the DC Metro area. In addition to providing leading health and residential support to their residents, she explained the main priority when addressing residents’ sexually active lifestyles is “to protect the residents that cannot make their own decisions.”

While facilities like this one maintain a high degree of resident care, the unfortunate reality is that many facilities don’t, or can’t because of budgetary and staffing circumstances. And though we can’t fight the staffing problem, we can increase the educational element.

Ideally, ALFs could incorporate safe-sex education programs into their activity schedules, similar to those taught in high schools. Also, a conversation about sexual activity and STDs should become a standard part of every ALF intake interview.

It would be easy to blame the health care industry, but the truth is that those actually doing the work are doing the best that they can with what they have, under the legal guidelines set for them. For now, the responsibility of protecting our grandmothers, grandfathers, brothers and sisters ultimately lies with us—as family members, as friends, as a community who cares—to talk to our loved ones and to have “the conversation” about STDs and safe sex.

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

Phyllis Diller sure has an imagination, doesn’t she? “The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.” What was she talking about? Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of visually unattractive people out there in the “over 50” population. But the last time I checked, there are also a lot of visually unattractive people out there in their 20s and 30s, too. And while I would never say it to a mother’s face, not all babies are adorable, either.

We don’t all look like weather vanes with everything pointing south, though sometimes it takes effort to defy normal wear and tear. Personally, I don’t love exercise, but I do yoga and Pilates three times a week and, even at 70, much younger gentleman quite often flirt with me. But even those who admit to outside help work hard at staying in shape. For example, there’s Cher with her slim and fabulous body and Dolly Parton with her breasts riding high as mountain tops and a waist so small you could pick her up by it. And don’t even pretend that Tina Turner didn’t age like a goddess, either!

Fortunately, for us fabulous older women of a certain age, the men out there aren’t all Robert Redford look-alikes. George Clooney is getting closer to my age every day. Richard Gere grew hotter and more handsome every year after “Pretty Woman,” and I don’t care who you are or what you think, but Sean Connery is still a smokin’ hot piece of man.

To a degree, Phyllis Diller is right. And for the sake of the joke, I’ll let it go. After all, it is pretty funny. But let’s be real for a minute: your body won’t ever look as good as it did 10 years ago. Not everyone can be lucky enough not to not bulge, sag or droop in places. And staying super thin doesn’t mean you don’t get knobby elbows and knees and lines that seem to etch overnight. It’s not our age that shows in our bodies. It’s how we treat our bodies that shows our age. Diet and exercise are keys to health and vitality. If you don’t eat right and exercise often, you’re pretty much setting yourself up for a life of turning the lights off to undress.

The final decision-maker for whether or not you’re going to be attracted enough to someone in order to head for a home run is desire, which comes from the brain. The brain, of course, is your biggest sexual organ. It combines all of the sensory stimuli that you receive when you’re in a sexual situation and then decides whether it wants to be “turned on” or “turned off.”

So, effectively, it really doesn’t matter if you’re in your 20s or 120, fat like Albert or slim like Jim, Sloppy Sally or Fancy Nancy, black or white, vegetarian or meat Viking, you are perfect just the way you are. This very minute, there is someone out there looking for you! You can and deserve to get your groove on.

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

Chrismahanukwanzakah is upon us once again, and regardless of your religious beliefs or cultural traditions, December can be a wonderfully romantic time of the year to rekindle the romance in your relationship.

I have written numerous articles about the health benefits of sex, including masturbation. Sex is our birthright. It flushes toxins from our bodies, pumps blood through our veins, releases positive endorphins in our brains that make us happy, and provides good exercise — especially for those over 50!

Here are a few ideas to consider when revving up your gift list this year.

Santa’s toy bag isn’t only for boys and girls, adults love to play with toys, too. My personal favorite line of vibrators is the designer brand, Lelo. Vibrators aren’t just fun to play with; they can also improve the health of your erotic zone by stimulating the muscles and tissues within the vagina. Respectably priced, packaged and designed, Lelo products are great gifts to give and to receive.
If you and your partner enjoy using sexual lubricants, I am a strong supporter of Sex Butter: an organic, plant-based lubricant that I believe may help improve your erogenous zone while giving you a healthy dose of the holiday spirit.

Made in the sacred mountains of New Mexico, Sex Butter has been featured in Hollywood gift bags and is a stocking stuffer for almost everyone on my Christmas list this year.

If time is on your side this holiday season, perhaps a short getaway is in order. There are several parts of the country that offer “off-season” prices during the winter. Do you know how many charming bed and breakfasts are out in the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia? Gettysburg, Manassas, and Charlotte are all within a day’s drive and all feature fabulous accommodations and things to do and see!

Want a more elaborate adventure? Join my friends at the 30A Songwriters Festival based in Seaside, Fla. It’s a great way to enjoy a long weekend on the beach at heavily discounted prices.
After a walk on along the coast, cuddle up with your special someone in the Backyard of Love at the Hibiscus Guesthouse while relaxing to the melodies of some of the greatest singer songwriters in the country.

If money is tight, opt for the free gift of thoughtful love. Instead of giving things this year, give yourself. Give time to someone special. Give love to someone who wants it. Give yourself to someone you care about!

There’s nothing quite as romantic for me than warming up with my husband with a bottle of wine by the fireplace followed by some present unwrapping in the bedroom . . . if we get that far!

Most importantly, give thanks this holiday season. 2011 has been a challenging and educational year for all of us.

The earthquake and hurricane brought us together, the occupy protests and political scandals drove us apart.

But in the end, we made it through.

Georgetowner • April 17, 2012

**Dear Stacy:
My sister, ?Sally,? is going through a separation. She and her husband of 19 years, ?Tim,? split up last fall ? it was a shock to her and to all of us when he moved out. He offered no reason for leaving and won?t go to counseling. He says he?s just fallen out of love with her and needs his space. They have two kids in elementary school. Through a complicated set of circumstances I won?t go into, my wife and I have become aware that Tim actually is dating someone, and it is very serious. Sally has no idea. She still believes this is a mid-life crisis, and is being very accommodating about their financial arrangements (dismal) and family events (she still goes to his pretending nothing bad is happening between them; he refuses to go to hers, forcing her to explain everything to her side of the family). I think she hopes that if she plays along and holds her breath, he will snap out of this and the family will get back to normal. My question is this, do we share our information with her? What good does telling do? I?m conflicted because I know I would want to know this important detail, but I also want to protect her feelings.
?To Tell or Not to Tell**

Dear Tell:
I?m sure this is not news to you, but this is a very tight spot you?re in, and there really is no obvious answer here. If you don?t tell Sally and hold the secret for Tim, you are colluding with his deception. If you do tell but are incorrect that the relationship is ?very serious,? you could ignite more of a firestorm between them. If you try the typical Advice Column Recipe for such situations and inform Tim that you know he?s dating someone, and that you will clue Sally in unless he tells her first, then you are inserting yourself into their relationship ? a place you don?t want to be. If you keep asking other people for advice (doubting a monthly column is the first place you took this question, but if so, I?m shocked flattered), this is going to spread like wildfire. In that case, you are in the unenviable position of either lying to Sally when she ?breaks? the news to you, or making her feel more foolish by admitting you knew all along. I?m exhausted just thinking about this.
But let?s be honest, Sally already knows. At least on some level, she knows that middle-aged men don?t run away from their wives and families for ?more space? unless they are undergoing a serious psychological episode (which would already be apparent) or they have someone/something to run to. In sharing your information you are not revealing something that she doesn?t already know in her heart. Meanwhile, in sharing it, you avoid infantilizing her ? she is a grown woman, and a mother, she can handle this. Keep it short, let Sally know you love her, and then get out of the way. She may not want witnesses when she processes the information. Sit back and let her tell you how you can support her.

**Dear Stacy:
I need some advice for dealing with unwelcome inquiries about my fertility. I know that sounds blunt, but there?s really no other way of describing it when people ask me, point blank, why my husband and I have not had a baby. We have been married for three wonderful years and have been trying to get pregnant for most of that time. It hasn?t happened yet and I?m 40. It seems an obvious inference that we might be having trouble, and yet acquaintances/relatives/coworkers seem completely unabashed about asking me, ?Why the hold up? Don?t you want to have a family?? I?m a confident, successful woman in a very happy marriage with a partner I love and respect ? but these questions pull the rug out from under me and I am tired of being self-deprecating and pleasant when responding to something that is absolutely no one else?s business. Ideas?
?Wishing They?d Leave Well Enough Alone**

Dear Wishing:
How I wish that I could explore this topic with a question from one of your ?Askers.? I imagine it would go something like this:

**Dear Stacy:
How can I convince my neighbor/niece/manager that she is wasting her life by not having a baby? She doesn?t realize that she?s old and that her time is running out. How can I tell her in the right way, because I know this is definitely my responsibility.
?Insensitive and Out of Touch**

My answer would be something along the lines of ?WAKE UP, YOU SELF-CENTERED IDIOT. THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND YOU ARE BEING HURTFUL AND THOUGHTLESS.?

Ok, that felt good. Now onto something more helpful.

You want something to say to these ?Askers,? nosy folks who have little or no involvement in your personal life. While I grant you full license to use my previous quote, you may want to apply a more diplomatic response, one that doesn?t open the door to further intimate conversation with these non-intimates. This is the problem, while the Askers? inquiries are definitely hurtful; it?s more likely that these people are being thoughtless, not judgmental and calculating. They simply are not thinking about the monumental decision that is the choice to become a parent. The Askers are not thinking about the very common and well-reported facts of fertility struggles for women above age 35 (how they could miss this, I do not know ? but let?s spin this positively, you must look incredibly young for your age). Askers are not thinking that you might view their question in any other way than in which it was intended: idol, self-centered chatter.

So if your intention is to teach them a lesson, I?m all for a strongly-worded sound bite about obtuseness and discretion. But if you simply want to shutdown the conversation so you don?t have to share any more of yourself with this person, then I?d go with, ?Thanks for your interest, but this is not something I want to talk about.? Then ask the Asker about her new sweater/car/laugh lines. Best of luck.

***Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).***