Living

Georgetowner • April 22, 2015

Dear Stacy,

My husband cheated on me in the past. We have tried to do everything to get through it, including therapy. But it’s still hard for me not to question everything he does, even when we’ve worked so hard to get over it. We have kids, a mortgage, a good life, but on a regular basis I find myself thinking about whether I can trust him. I am wondering how other women get over this. Is it normal to just accept it because you have the kids and the marriage, or am I kidding myself that this can ever get better?

– Want to Forgive

Dear Forgive:

Your question goes to the heart of what forgiveness really is. It’s not about wiping the slate clean in a way that causes you to forget a betrayal. It’s something the betrayed person actually has to give the betrayer, sometimes every single minute. No, Husband doesn’t deserve to feel like a criminal every day, but he’s going to have to expect that you will be wary whenever he comes home late. That’s probably going to be part of the marriage for the rest of your lives, and it’s because of his choices, not yours.

But remember, it takes a progress-stalling toll when one person appears to forgive and then snaps right back to that place of anger and frustration. Therapy can help (and, yes, it can be irritatingly slow, but rewiring the brain to turn an unsafe person back into a safe person does take time), but sometimes forgiveness is a choice we have to make again and again. Which is why having the kids and mortgage can be helpful: They anchor you to the very hard work of renewing the marriage.

While we don’t talk enough publicly about sensitive issues – infidelity, infertility, disability, etc. – to truly normalize them, as someone who listens to people talk about them daily, I can say that all of us (repeat: all of us) have “something” to manage in our relationships. Commitment is both highly difficult and highly rewarding. This valuable coin comes with two sides.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Caitlin Franz • April 14, 2015

?“We’re thrilled to open our largest studio yet in the heart of our nation’s capital,” announced Ruth Zukerman, co-founder of Flywheel Sports, known for its intense indoor cycling and barre classes. “Given that Washington, D.C., is one of America’s healthiest cities, we understand the need to provide the most effective, results-driven workout – a product that we consistently deliver every single day.”

The company’s Dupont Circle neighborhood location at 1927 Florida Ave. NW offers stadium-style seating, custom bikes, as well as complimentary towels, indoor cycling shoes and seat cushions for riders. It is Flywheel’s 33rd location in the U.S.

Since its founding in February 2010, Flywheel has combined technology with its work-outs to help participants track their results. The new D.C. studio also features the TorqBoard, which allows riders to view their resistance, speed and power. Riders may choose to have their names displayed on flat-screen at the front of every studio, which allows for friendly competition in the classes. After each ride, comprehensive data is stored and made available to riders on an individual Performance Page, which can be found at www.flywheelsports.com.

Additionally, the two-story facility offers FlyBarre, which features a series of small, intense interval exercises choreographed to contemporary music. These classes are designed to target the arm, abdominal and thigh muscles.

Both Flywheel and FlyBarre individual classes start at $28. Flywheel spinning shoes are included in that price. For class times and more information, you can visit www.flywheelsports.com or call 202-830-0755.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • April 13, 2015

Dear Stacy,

My wife is not interested in sex. She never really has been, but ever since we’ve had kids, she’s just unavailable for me. We have a great partnership otherwise, and have no real interest in divorce. I really love her and the family we’ve built. But I’m completely unfulfilled physically. I don’t want an open relationship. I know that I could not handle the jealousy of that, but I am thinking about allowing myself the pleasure of female companionship when and if it is offered to me. I do not travel often for work, but could increase that, and I think that would allow me the freedom I need to remain in my marriage. My question to you is this: do you have any other ideas before I give this one a try?
– Frequent Traveler

Dear Traveler:

Do I have any ideas before you cheat on your wife? Seriously? You are leaving this up to me?

Okay, if I get to be in charge, my answer is an emphatic “NO.”

No, you do not get to allow yourself the “pleasure” of extramarital companionship. No, you do not get to change your work schedule to allow you more time to roam the hotel bars and airport concourses, hoping that something is “offered” to you. No, you do not get to rationalize that this is the only way to maintain your marriage and that “otherwise” great partnership.

I’m saying no to all of those things because it’s a delusion to think that stepping outside your marriage for physical pleasure will do anything but harm your relationship with your wife. It will. The fantasy of it already has harmed your marriage, I would bet. So let’s stop playing pretend.

You have at least a tiny sense of self-awareness that helps you see that you, yourself, could not handle an open relationship. That’s good news, because open relationships take a lot of work and self-examination, and you don’t sound up to that challenge. Let’s be clear: the female companionship of your dreams is one-sided. It’s easy. It has no strings. Of course it sounds amazing, but even if you find it, when that fantasy is over – SCENE: when you come home from the fake business trip and are met at the door by a screaming kid – you will put Wife in the position of being a disappointment or, worse, the object keeping you from returning to that fantasy space. And then you have resentment, a toxic chemical that you ought to be familiar with already, since that’s what has fueled this storyline about being able to find physical fulfillment outside your marriage without an impact on that partnership.

So let’s look at dealing with the existing resentment before you add more to the mix. Take your Great Partnership to a sex therapist. You need an impartial, skilled guide to help you with this conversation. Honestly, the conclusion could be that you actually do get what you’re dreaming of whenever you are on a “business trip.” But you don’t get to skip the hard work to negotiate that agreement without deeply damaging the family you say you value so much.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Linnea Kristiansson •

With summer on its way, so is the equestrian season. Perhaps you want to buy a dramatic hat for the Derby or the Oaks, the Royal Ascot or the races in Middleburg.

Of course, every woman needs a casual hat for everyday shopping, travel, the garden, the beach, “bad-hair days” or to stay cool and out of the sun. Wear a hat and be treated like the lady you are.

Remember to buy a hat that’s comfortable and has a wide brim. Choose the color carefully since dark colors tend to get warmer. The most easily worn hat is the one with a light pastel color – mint green or apricot pink, for example. Combine the outfit with a light-colored skirt and a top in the same color as the hat. Or simply wear a summer dress that matches your hat. [gallery ids="102040,134726" nav="thumbs"]

Linnea Kristiansson •

As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, we are all looking to get out and about. It’s time to start planning for your kids’ summer. Make sure to check out The Georgetowner’s summer camp guide to take your mind off the snow days.

Adventure Theatre MTC Camp

Adventure Theatre’s summer camps is a full-day musical theater program. Campers work with D.C. theater professionals and finish up their summer by performing in a main stage show. The adventure also offers a three week program for teenagers. Ages 5 to 18. $800-$1,200. June 15 – Aug 21. Adventure Theatre, 7300 MacArthur Blvd., Glen Echo. (301) 634-2270, adventuretheatre-mtc.org.

Beauvoir Summer Camp

Beauvoir Summer Camp is a day camp for elementary school students that mixes outdoor exploration with science, sports and art. Ages 3 to 10. $285-$875. June 22 – Aug 7. Beauvoir School, 3500 Woodley Road NW. (703) 945-0408, summer.beauvoirschool.org.

Camp Arena Stage

Camp Arena Stage is a D.C. day camp dedicated to theatre, music, visual arts and dance. Campers choose their own activities, as well as attend a daily show featuring the work of faculty, guest artists and fellow campers. Ages 8 to 15. $950-$2,500. June 22 – July 31. Georgetown Visitation Preparatory School, 1524 34th St. NW. (202) 554-9066, arenastage.org.

Camp Imagination Stage

Camp Imagination offers a range of day camp programs in drama, musical theatre, dance and filmmaking. Ages 1 to 18. $249-$1,195. June 8 – Aug 28. Imagination Stage, 4908 Auburn Ave., Bethesda. (301) 280-1660, imaginationstage.org.

Passport to summer

Washington International School’s Passport to Summer is a co-ed multicultural day camp. The camp offers language immersion; art, science and music workshops; and counselor-in-training program. Ages 3 to 15. $165-$890. June 22 – Aug 7. Washington International School, 1690 36th St. NW. (202) 243-1727, wis.edu.

Strathmore Fine Arts Camp

The Strathmore will offer two separate fine arts day camps for kids and teens this summer. Older campers will improve their technique in a program focused on form and color. Ages 6 to 17. $382,50-$425. July 27 – Aug 14. Mansion at Strathmore, 10701 Rockville Pike, Rockville. (301) 581-5100, strathmore.org.

Writopia Lab

Writopia Lab offers full-day and half-day summer camps for budding writers. Campers will participate in workshops with published authors and have an opportunity to read and publish their original work at the end of the program. Ages 8 to 18. $180-$560. July 6 – July 31. Writopia Lab, 4000 Albermarle St. NW, Suite 308. (202) 629-9510, writopia.org. [gallery ids="101994,135313" nav="thumbs"]

Georgetowner • April 8, 2015

Dear Stacy:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for three years. We are both in our early 30s, and get along great. We have talked about marriage since we first started dating (five years ago), but so far, no proposal. I know he wants to have a family in the long-term, and I know he loves me, so I don’t know why we aren’t moving forward. When I bring it up, he tells me he will know when it’s right, but that’s the end of the discussion. I don’t like how much power this seems to give him in our relationship, but I know I want to marry him and it seems like he’s less sure about me. I am wondering how much longer I should wait. I set a mental deadline of the end of this year, but I wonder if I should tell him that if we aren’t engaged by then, I’m leaving?
–Ready to Marry

Dear Ready:

Let’s start by saying, congratulations on knowing what you want. That’s honestly a big step – as many people find themselves in your situation and assume that marriage is what they should want, but don’t give the deeper questions much thought (fast forward a few years, find themselves in a counselor’s office, and realize they never really wanted to build a marriage together in the first place). You know what you want. Boyfriend knows what you want. The rest is a little murky. Let’s look at why that is.

Scenario #1: Boyfriend is unsure. Truly. He needs “more time.” That is understandable, but the question that needs to be asked is not “Why do you need more time?” Rather, “What are you doing with that time?” Is he soul searching? Is he talking to you about his concerns? Is he in therapy? If “No” or “Not yet” is the answer to these questions, then you need to pay attention to how that feels.

Scenario #2: Boyfriend is sure. He has a ring. He’s got a plan in motion. You are going to be swept off your feet – lucky you.

Scenario #3: Boyfriend is sure. He does not want to marry you. He doesn’t know how to tell you. He is waiting it out so that you get so irritated, you give him an ultimatum and force yourself into a corner.

Your mental deadline is an ultimatum of sorts. I’m not against setting a boundary like this, I just want to make sure you are comfortable with the outcome, either way. I understand that you are thinking about marrying this person, so the dissolution of this relationship may never feel “comfortable,” but that’s the only way an ultimatum works – you have to be willing to accept the consequences (NOTE: have your support network queued up and ready). If you are not ready to walk away, then don’t tell him about your deadline, instead, ask the questions from scenario #1 and see where that takes you. If you are comfortable with the possible results – pro and con – then I think waiting and seeing may be an excuse to put off the inevitable. This all starts with you, have the conversation with yourself before you bring Boyfriend into it. Good luck.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Georgetowner • March 11, 2015

The fashion shoot took place in a meticulously restored Kalorama home, which melds classic period architecture with a cool, contemporary aesthetic. Our team worked to highlight the timelessness and opulence of the home with elegant, tasteful selections in fashion, makeup and accessories. The exquisite Maggie Parsons brought classic beauty to the scene, lending polish, grace and allure to The Georgetowner shoot. The home, at 2411 California St. NW, features six bedrroms, seven and a half bath, four fireplaces, parking for up to ten cars and more. It is listed by TTR Sotheby’s International Realty at $4,990,000. Contact Michael Rankin or Michelle Galler at (703) 217- 9405.

Photography by Yvonne Taylor YvonneTaylorPhoto.com

Model Maggie Parsons at THE Artist Agency

Hair by Darrell Thompson at THE Artist Agency

Makeup by Lauretta J. McCoy

Styling by Pamela Burns, PAMShops4You

Lighting Assistant Angie Myers [gallery ids="101921,136183,136186,136179" nav="thumbs"]

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy,

*I am pretty frustrated about my living situation. My roommate’s boyfriend practically lives with us and pays no rent. He sleeps in late, so I have to be quiet when I get up in the morning. He doesn’t contribute to the household utilities and never does any chores – so even when I am doing my half, it feels like he is getting away with something. He’s not my boyfriend. No, he’s not a bad guy, but he’s NOT my boyfriend. I have held my tongue this long, I think, because I imagine that when I have a serious boyfriend, I would like for him to feel welcome in my home as well. But this is too much and I don’t know how to broach the subject with my roommate. We have a good situation, but this is getting more and more difficult every day. I know this isn’t a relationship issue, exactly, but I’m at the end of my rope.*

– Biting my Tongue

Dear Biting:

Ugh, what an uncomfortable situation. You sound like someone who has put up with a lot. It’s time to give some voice to your frustrations.

First, a little educatiwon about frustrations. They are like yeast. If you don’t use them productively – for instance, as a motivator to make changes – those frustrations grow and grow, until they take up all the space in the room. Allowing your frustrations about Roommate’s egregious open-door policy to expand will definitely ruin the “good situation” you have been enjoying. It’s time to get your feelings on the table.

I really appreciate your analysis of your own motivation. It makes sense that if you are eminently cool about Not Your Boyfriend’s presence in your home, it stands to reason that when Future Boyfriend shows up, he will get the same treatment. In therapy, that’s what we call modeling behavior (the rest of the world calls it the Golden Rule).

But let’s follow that thought all the way through to the end. Without some ground rules, wouldn’t Roommate end up feeling like you in that situation? Why not model a healthy way of confronting the issue instead? This actually is a “relationship issue,” one that we can use as a practice swing so you can build up your self-advocacy skills.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*

Sallie Lewis •

Designing idyllic country homes has become a cornerstone of architect John Rhett’s career. “Most of my clients have a place in the city where they do business and enjoy the urban life, but they need a place to recharge,” he said. “People want to relax in the country. People want to enjoy what they have, and they like to reconnect with nature.”

Rhett’s work is a testament to this communal appreciation for the rural landscape. The Connecticut native received an architecture degree at Rice University and did additional work at the University of New Mexico, where he studied solar architecture and sculpture. While there, Rhett spent time working for an adobe contracting company, where he learned firsthand about the efficiency of passive and active solar architecture, the importance of the sun’s orientation in respect to a home and, more generally, the value of sustainability in design.

Today, Rhett is based in Charlottesville, Virginia, with a satellite office in Charleston, South Carolina. The Rhett family has deep ties to the Holy City, going back to 1624.

“Charleston has great classical architecture and that appeals to me a lot,” he said. “The city has a beautiful culture of art and music, and Charlottesville has a similar energy.” In both places, Rhett has found a “culture of craft.” He enjoys employing local talent and using local materials when working on his projects. “It adds another layer of joy,” he said.

In all of Rhett’s work, both commercial and residential, he and his team actively work to solve the puzzles presented to them. They consider what a client envisions as well as the potential and energy a property has to offer, then propose creative solutions to balance those factors.

As a result, Rhett’s projects and his peaceful country homes are all different. They are a product of listening to his client’s vision and making it come alive through creative – and often technical – choices. According to Rhett, there are always things to be aware of: “where the sun is, where prevailing winds are coming from, how a house can use those to its advantage.”

A harmonious sense of proportion suffuses Rhett’s designs, yet it operates on a subliminal level. The owners of his country homes are able to relax and enjoy their surroundings because the designs aren’t discordant; rather, they are in balance. In addition, the property and the home complement one another.

Particularly with country residences, Rhett recognizes the opportunity for the surrounding landscape to influence the architecture, to tie together in a unique way so that the home is an extension of the land. It’s a philosophy of respecting the natural environment and incorporating architecture into it, bringing out the best of both.

Sustainable architecture and eco-friendly building is a large part of the industry today, and Rhett believes it is here to stay. “It’s addressing very important issues and I think it will grow more important over the years as resources get more and more scarce,” he said.

Though most of his homes are in Virginia, Rhett has had the opportunity to work elsewhere, from the aforementioned California to Portugal, and he takes pride in bringing those diverse experiences to every project. He has been influenced by many bright minds, including Thomas Jefferson; Carlisle Becker, a landscape professor of his at Rice; Antoni Gaudí, the acclaimed Catalan architect; Frank Lloyd Wright; and François Goffinet, a Belgian architect and garden designer for whom Rhett worked prior to starting his own firm in 1995.

Goffinet taught Rhett a great deal about master planning of properties and the symbiotic relationship between land and home.

While with him, Rhett worked on his first landscaping project, a multimillion-dollar job in Bel Air, California, during which he learned from some of England’s finest horticulturists. Since then, the landscape component has been further woven into his career.

As spring settles in after a winter that persisted into March, the countryside around D.C. will be further beautified by Rhett’s lasting work and harmonious, creative legacy.

Rhett Architects
1857 Rivanna Farm, Charlottesville, Virginia
434-249-4667
jmr@RhettArchitects.com