Living

Stacy Notaras Murphy • November 19, 2014

Dear Stacy:

*I am in my early 40s and have several friends from college who still live in the area. We get together every few months to have brunch or happy hour, and recently I have noticed that I am irritated by them and not interested in hearing more about their personal lives. I know how this sounds ­– I am being petty and rude – but I don’t understand why we have to go out and talk about the same things over and over again (e.g., kids, vacations, home improvements). Seriously, they go on and on about the most domestic, conventional issues. When did we get so boring? Why can’t we talk about our goals and dreams, like we used to in college? I try to float new conversation topics, but they fall like lead balloons. Is this what inevitably happens when you get old?*

– Bored by my Buddies

Dear Bored,

You sound like a lot of fun at brunch.

While I don’t necessarily think that aging inevitably translates into boring your friends with talk about gutter projects and piano recital reviews, sometimes that is what is going on in your life and you talk it through with your friends. The problem here, I think, is that you aren’t actually friends with these people anymore.
We do grow up after college and often that means we also grow apart. Though I don’t think this means you have to cancel all future get-togethers with College Crowd, you might do well to set your expectations a little lower. Take yourself back to those late-night discussions with your dorm-mates. You were talking about the issues of “that day” – including goals and dreams –because that’s what was on your plate back then. Today, the plate is crowded with other topics because that’s real life in your 40s.
Those people were your college compatriots mostly due to the circumstance of being assigned to the same dorm floor, class list or extracurricular team. As adults we get to choose our friends and – while it’s been documented that making new friends post-college is a challenging business – that means we can seek out people who have similar interests. So when you’re at the next goals and dreams meet-up, set a few brunch dates with similarly minded folks. And keep the old friends on the calendar as well. You might appreciate being a member of both groups, once you see what that feels like.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • November 6, 2014

Dear Stacy:
My girlfriend and I have been dating since college and living together for a few years. She wants to get married. I think she’s feeling pressure from friends who are getting engaged and starting families. I don’t necessarily not want to get married, I’m just not feeling the need to do it right now. She is trying not to pressure me, but it worries her (she wants to have kids, she is worried about her age) and that affects our relationship. Should I just do it even if I’m not ready?

–No Rush

Dear No Rush:

I really love your choice of words here, as I think you know I’m not about to say anyone should go ahead and get married, even if they’re “not ready.” But a realistic follow-up question from me would have to be, do you know why you’re not ready now? Is this something you’re working on in any way, shape or form? Or are you just sitting on the sidelines, watching Girlfriend serve her time as a bridesmaid and baby-shower hostess, and waiting for her anxiety to launch her off into the stratosphere so you don’t have to ask yourself any hard questions?

This is a very tricky situation for Girlfriend. She has spent (what sounds like) years in a relationship with you, reaching the (seemingly universal) stage where friends far and wide start making the big commitments to one another – moving in, getting engaged, having kids. She knows that she wants more than cohabitation, and she’s told you that. Now she has to walk the narrow line of waiting for you to make up your mind, while also not appearing anxious or needy in any way. But shouldn’t this kind of major life decision invite some kind of anxiety? Aren’t the big choices the kind that require conversation and communication? Why is this just your decision to make?

Yes, you say she wants to get married, and I am going to amend that sentence to say she knows she wants to get married to you. It’s your turn to decide if you want to get married to her. Do it soon. If you have a reason that is preventing your decision-making – one that is not about her and outside of her control, like a family history of divorce, or a fear of the Chicken Dance – get thee to a therapist and figure it out. If the reason is about her then, also, do not delay. Put your cards on the table because you are not helping her get what she wants if you know what you don’t want and you don’t tell her about it. That’s not fair. You say her worrying impacts your relationship – the answer isn’t for you to rush into something you don’t really want. The answer is for you to really do some self-exploration and figure out what you do want.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Georgetowner •

The 77th International Gold Cup steeplechase races held October 25th in The Plains, Va. strive to keep the tradition of the hunt alive with a number of family oriented events, such as pony and terrier races before the main event, best hat contests and an abundance of food vendors mixed among new car displays, parachute demonstrations and food-filled tailgates by families and corporations alike. According to the Official Gold Cup website, over 45,000 spectators attend the events. Pictured above is a sampling of the days happenings.

Ari Post • October 28, 2014

Chef and Television Host David Guas on his New Orleans Roots and the Fundamentals of Grilling

The reason chef David Guas never left the Washington area is because he missed New Orleans. Guas is the celebrated chef and owner of Bayou Bakery, Coffee Bar & Eatery, a vibrant tribute to Gulf Coast culinary tradition located in the Courthouse neighborhood of Arlington. A second eatery on Capitol Hill is slated to open this fall. He is also the host of Travel Channel’s new original series “American Grilled,” which premiered this month. The competition show pits grill masters from all walks of life against one another in regional, outdoor cooking challenges.

Guas’ career took off in his hometown of New Orleans. He worked in the pastry kitchen at the acclaimed Windsor Court Hotel under legendary chef and restaurateur Jeff Tunks. When Tunks opened DC Coast in1998, his flagship restaurant in Washington, Guas was recruited as head pastry chef. He later moved on to work as a corporate pastry chef for Passion Food Hospitality, developing the dessert menus for each of Tunks’ subsequent four restaurants.

With regular appearances on NBC’s Today Show, as well as guest slots on the Food Network and Cooking Channel, Guas has built a cult-like following as a champion of New Orleans culinary heritage. His 2009 cookbook, “DamGoodSweet – Desserts to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth, New Orleans Style,” was a James Beard Award Finalist and was named one of Food & Wine’s Best New Dessert Cookbooks. He has been hailed by The Washington Post, The New York Times and Washingtonian magazine, and has been featured in every foodie magazine you can think to name.

But talking to him, you might never know of his acclaim. Chock it up to the humble values of a southern heritage, but his vast and broad-ranging achievements are equal only to his modesty, pragmatism and good nature.“Bayou Bakery started as a simple concept,” he said. “I wanted something that represented my home to keep me from moving back home. There was a real opportunity here, to represent New Orleans, Louisiana, and the Gulf Coast south in general. The more you do this for a living, the more you realize how unique southern food is. New Orleans is probably one of the most unique cities on the planet in terms of its cultural milieu. So what better way to be prideful and fill my own personal void than to celebrate the culture of the city that I’m from.”

The food in Bayou Bakery is unforgettable. From small-plate southern classics like housemade cheese straws, deviled eggs and pimento cheese to the olive-rich “muff-a-lotta” sandwich piled high with salami, mortadella and smoked ham, everything on the menu is bound to the traditions of regional American cuisine. If you don’t venture in one day for a cup of their rich coffee and an order of crispy, sugar-caked beignets, you are missing out on one of the truly great food adventures in Washington. About half of the menu is also based on seasonality. They are currently offering a radish plate with feta dip, a roasted beet salad and a chilled soup with avocados and local cucumbers.

As to why he chose this approach to his flagship restaurant, Guas has a simple and heart- felt answer. “It’s not until you get out into the world that you find out about where you’re from,” he says. “Researching for the cookbook, digging deeper to discover facts, the history and stories to food, I just fell back in love with New Orleans.”This concept of local heritage is also the foundation for his Travel Channel show, “American Grilled.” “I’m not on the professional barbecue circuit,” Guas says with a laugh. “I haven’t been going around to competitions winning trophies. I grew up grilling with my dad every weekend, and I know my way around proteins. But what I do get is the culture of it, the character and the heritage.”

The show offers an interesting perspective. So much of today’s food culture leans more and more toward local and regional ancestral kitchen traditions, focusing less on haute cuisine and more on authenticity and historical context. This show takes this mission to the next level bringing people on to the show that aren’t even professional chefs. The show is not just promoting someone’s restaurant. Instead, they are going to cities and towns around the country and finding the best grillers in the area, regardless of background—be it a hog-roasting mechanic from Galax,
Virginia or a Louisiana fisherman with the secret ingredients for perfect grilled shrimp.

“The show is very relative to where we are as a society today,” Guas says. “There is an energy and passion among restaurateurs toward knowing where your food comes from, understanding its local character. And, frankly, the barbecue world is full of characters. So it’s built into our show in a very natural way. These contestants could be your neighbor—it’s a show that’s sort of made up of a bunch of nobodys, including myself. It is a game show, but it’s fun, raw and very local, organic, and feels very handmade.”

In order to prepare for each episode, Guas researched the grilling specialties of the featured towns and cities. “It was important to learn about and integrate each area’s regional character and represent it the right way,” he says. “As a chef, that what was so exciting for me, the regional personality of each place. I love New Orleans food, but learning new things about new cities and sharing that information with an audience is really just a dream job.” While he might not be a “competitive griller,” Guas knows how to work a grill. Below is his four-step process to no-frills, good grilling done right.

Bayou Bakery, Coffee Bar & Eatery is located at 1515 N Courthouse Road, Arlington, Va. Travel Channel is currently airing new episodes of “American Grilled” on Wednesdays at 9 p.m., with a chance to catch them again Sundays at 10 p.m. For more information visit www.BayouBakeryVa.com.

Guas on Grilling
Acid, Salt, Herbs and Rest

Like any chef who cooks for his family, Guas is “not in recipe mode” when he’s manning the grill at home. “To me, the grill represents being off the clock. It’s not so rigid as pastry cooking, it’s not looking at your watch. It’s a beer in one hand, a cigar in the other, and the coals prepping while the meat and vegetables rest by the side.” “A lot of the things I’ve done on the grill for the past two decades, it’s just doing what I love to do and not thinking about it,” he admits. “For instance, my father raised me on a charcoal grill and that’s how I continue to do it.”

However, Guas has a few simple steps for making sure your dinner comes off the grill the right way every time. “There are four things I think we underestimate,” he says. “Acid, salt, herbs and rest.” Here’s the breakdown.

Acid
“Citrus brightens up everything,” Guas says, “whether it’s lime or lemon, or even a blend of orange. I always work it into my grilling.” Guas often grills his citrus fruit, cutting them in half and putting them cut-side down for a minute or two to give it a char. As well as using it to drizzle on meat and grilled vegetables, he even uses grilled citrus for things like grilled lime mojitos or smoked lemonade with bourbon.

Salt
Proteins, depending on what they are, need a good amount of coarse, quality heavy sea salt. “Everyone knows it, but nothing brings out flavor like salt,” Guas says. “Salt the things in advance, about a teaspoon per pound—and do it well in advance—and you’ll just watch those flavors come out when you take it off the grill.”

Herbs
“Herbs are often overlooked,” says Guas. “But they are the best way to engrain a sense of seasonality into your grilling. Rosemary and thyme are great fall and winter herbs, while chives, chervil, cilantro and parsley scream of the warmer months. Our herb gardens are probably within 15 feet of our grills and still we forget to use them.” Herbs can be used fresh as garnish, or in the form of a condiment, like a basil pesto or a chimichurri sauce—just throw the marinade in a gallon Ziploc bag with chicken or fish and let it rest anywhere between a couple hours and a day. Herbs can also be mixed with other ingredients, for instance, chopped up rosemary ground in a mortar and pestle with garlic, salt and lime, and used in a marinade for a tougher meat like skirt steak.

Rest
Most of us underestimate resting time for a protein, warns Guas. “If you’ve got a freshly grilled, 18-ounce, bone-in cut ribeye, it’s a sad day for us all to watch the juices run off into the cutting board. Trust me on this: all protein needs resting time after it cooks to cool down and let the juices settle back in and redistribute.” When cooking, heat drives the moisture toward the center of the meat. When given time to cool after cooking, the liquid is redistributed as the protein molecules relax and are able to reabsorb some moisture. This is why all the juice drips out of your meat if you cut it too soon after coming off the heat. “Everything should rest for at least a few minutes,” Guas says, “but make sure to build in ten to twelve minutes of resting time for a big piece of meat.”

Grilled Peaches

Ingredients

6 each Peaches, halved

Procedure

Make sure the surface of your grill is clean. Place the half slices of peaches on the grill over direct heat, skin side down first to give it a quick browning. Then open face-side of the peach to grill until browning and caramelization occurs from the natural sugars. Remove from grill and reserve at room temperature.

Mascarpone Cream

Ingredients

4 ounces Mascarpone Cream

.25 cup Whipping Cream

2 tbs Powdered Sugar

Garnish

Ingredients

1 drizzle Honey, approx. 2 tsp.

2 ounces Pecans, toasted & crumbled

Procedure

Using a hand-mixer or stand-up mixer with the whisk attachment, on medium speed, blend together the mascarpone cheese and 1 tablespoon of powdered sugar until light and fluffy. Spoon into a separate bowl and set aside. Pour the cream and the remaining sugar into the original mixing bowl and blend on high-speed just until stiff peaks form, about a minute or two. Turn the mixer off and carefully fold the whipped cream into the mascarpone mixture.

Grilled Pork Tenderloin with Guava BBQ Sauce

David Guas, Chef & Owner, Bayou Bakery and Coffee Bar & Eatery

Yields: approximately 4 servings

For the Brine

Ingredients

.75 cup Salt, kosher

.25 cup Sugar, granulated

1 cup Water, hot

3 cups Water, cold

1 each Pork tenderloin, approx. 2 pounds

1 cup Woodchips, pre-soaked cherry

Procedure

Place the salt, sugar, and hot water for the brine together in an 8-quart container and whisk until the salt and sugar have dissolved. Once mixed together, add the cold water and place the tenderloin in the brine mixture. Cover and refrigerate for 6-8 hours.

For the Guava BBQ Sauce

Ingredients

12 ounces Guava paste, cut into small cubes

.25 cup Dark rum

.5 cup Orange juice

.25 cup Lime juice

2 tablespoons Creole mustard

2 each Garlic cloves, minced

4 tablespoons Steen’s Cane Syrup

1 tablespoon Crystal hot sauce

1 teaspoon Salt, kosher

Sauce Procedure

In a small 2-quart saucepan, combine all ingredients. Simmer over low heat, stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon until guava paste dissolves and ingredients are nice and thick, approx. 5-20 minutes.

Grilling Procedure

Prepare your grill 30 minutes before your pork is ready to remove from the brine. Once removed from the brine, pat dry with paper towels, season lightly with olive oil, kosher salt and cracked black pepper. Grill over direct heat. Place tenderloin down on grill giving it 5 minutes on each side depending on the heat of your coals. Using a brush, baste your sauce liberally on each side of the pork. Place on indirect heat. Next sprinkle pre-soaked woodchips on the coals. Continue to baste every five minutes or so for 20 minutes until your internal temperature reaches 160-165 degrees Fahrenheit. When you remove pork tenderloin from the grill, brush heavily with remaining sauce as you pull off the grill. Place on cutting board and allow meat to rest, sealing in the juices, for at least 15 minutes prior to cutting.

Assembly

Place 2-3 halves of peaches on a plate with a tablespoon-sized dollop of the mascarpone cream atop the peaches. Garnish with a drizzle of honey [approximately 2 teaspoons per dish] and crumbled toasted pecans. [Toast pecans whole at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for roughly 5 minutes; allow to cool before crumbling.]

Chimichurri

“Start to finish in five minutes. Put it in a mason jar and it’s done, and will last two or three weeks if sealed properly. I love it with chicken, fish, and even charred vegetables.”

Ingredients

1 Cup flat leaf, Italian Parsley

¼ Cup cilantro

Sm. Handful red onion, chopped

¼ – ½ cup red wine vinegar

Salt (to taste, tsp or less)

Black Pepper (to taste)

Red Chili Flakes (a pinch)

½ Cup good Olive Oil

Garlic, chopped (to taste, about two cloves)

Procedure

Puree all ingredients in a food processor, then transfer to a bowl and let sit for at least fifteen minutes to let the flavors come together. Use as a marinade, or drizzle on top of the finished product. [gallery ids="101814,139854,139850" nav="thumbs"]

Anders Ohm • October 23, 2014

Oysters are best in the months with an “R” in them, so don’t miss your opportunity to eat them during the fall season. In D.C., oysters used to be cheap and abundant due to the proximity to the Chesapeake Bay. At the turn of the 20th century, Washington had more than 150 oyster bars. The oyster population of Chesapeake Bay had dropped to about one percent of the population in the late 19th century due to overfishing, disease and pollution. But recently, there have been a number of successful efforts taken to restore populations, which has seen the return of oysters’ popularity in Washington. Check out our calendar with the area’s best oyster-themed events this fall and winter.

Oct. 11
Holly Point Art & Seafood Festival
The 11th annual Holly Point Art and Seafood festival has something fun for everyone. The festival will offer oysters, seafood, art and family fun. Visitors will also see restored buy-boats, used for harvesting oysters. The event takes place at the beautiful Holly Point Nature Park and Deltaville Maritime Museum on the waterfront. Admission is free. 287 Jackson Creek Rd, Deltaville, Va., 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. For more information visit
deltavillemuseum.com.

Oct. 18 and 19
St. Mary’s Oyster Festival
Enjoy live music, entertainment and lots of food at the 48th St. Mary’s County Oyster Festival. There will be fun for everyone with activities from shellfish exhibits to carnival rides. People come from all over to compete in the National Oyster Shucking Contest and the National Oyster Cook-off. Admission is $5 for adults; free for children 12 and under. Hours on Saturday are 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. and on Sunday 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Location: St. Mary’s County Fairgrounds. 42455 Fairgrounds Road, Leonardtown, Md. For more information visit usoysterfest.com.

Oct. 25
The Inaugural 1905 Oyster Roast on the Roof
Deck with DC Brau
1905 Bistro & Bar along side DC Brau will be hosting their first oyster roast. Enjoy all-you-can-eat Rappahannock oysters and your choice of two sides prepared by Chef Joel Hatton. DC Brau will be supplying $5 drafts and their first-ever Oktoberfest. The oyster roast will take place on the roof deck of the 1905 Bistro & Bar, 1905 9th St., NW. Hours are noon to 5 p.m. Tickets are $20 in advanced; $25 at the door. 1905dc.com/etc

Oct. 25
Bull, Shrimp and Oyster Roast
Chesapeake Down Syndrome Parent Group is hosting their 5th annual Bull, Shrimp and Oyster Roast at Columbus Gardens in Nottingham, Md. The buffet will feature pit beef, pit ham, pit turkey, shrimp, oysters and more. Beer, wine, soda and cocktails will be available. All proceeds from the roast will benefit CDSPG educational programs, family outreach and community advocacy. Visit cdspg.org for more information.

Nov. 7 and 8
Urbanna Oyster Festival
Come by boat or car to the Urbanna Oyster Festival, the largest and longest running oyster festival in the United States. During the festival, the streets of Urbanna, Va., are closed to vehicles and filled with crafts and seafood vendors. Visitors can enjoy music at the concert stage, learn about the history of the area or participate in oyster shucking and wine tasting. The focal point of the festival has become the Saturday Parade which has continued to grow over the years from an event featuring floats and antique cars into a much larger parade with marching bands and more. Visit urbannaoysterfestival.com for additional information.

Nov. 21 and 22
Old Ebbitt Grill’s Oyster Riot
Held each year the Friday and Saturday before Thanksgiving, the Oyster Riot is back for the 20th time. Each night, tens of thousands of oysters are devoured by nearly 1000 guests who enjoy live music while they dine. The bivalves will be served with the gold medal winning wines of the International Wines for Oyster Competition, which selects the best wines to go with oysters from over 200 entrees. The Oyster Riot runs from 6:30 to 9:30 p.m. on Friday and Saturday evenings. The most recent addition, the Saturday Matinee Oyster Riot, takes place from noon to 3 p.m. Visit Ebbitt.com for tickets and more information.
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Richard Selden •

Two of the 20th century’s greatest photographers were born in 1890 and died in 1976: Man Ray and Paul Strand. Man Ray was a man of the avant-garde. His stone in Montparnasse Cemetery in Paris reads (in English): “unconcerned but not indifferent.”
Paul Strand could never be called unconcerned. He learned photography in his teens from social reformer Lewis Hine, made leftist films during the Depression and—distressed by the country’s feverish anti-Communism—moved permanently to France in 1950.

The Philadelphia Museum of Art’s new retrospective, curated by Peter Barberie, seeks to place Strand as much in the modernist camp as that mad scientist Man Ray. “Paul Strand: Master of Modern Photography,” on view through Jan. 4, deepens our understanding of modernism as it traces Strand’s six-decade career.

Two of Strand’s most famous images—“Wall Street, New York” of 1915, in which shadows stretch from tiny figures passing under the House of Morgan’s pharaonic facade; and “Blind Woman, New York” of 1916, a portrait of a peddler, her right eye half-shut, her left open and aimed farther left, the word BLIND on a sign on her chest—achieve a perfect balance of compositional power and social message.

The image of the blind woman is one of eight striking portraits hung near some of Strand’s photographic experiments with cubism, also from 1916. “Abstraction, Bowls, Twin Lakes, Connecticut,” a composition of four ceramic bowls shot close up in soft focus, is as abstract as Strand’s work ever got.

Photographer Alfred Stieglitz showed Strand’s work at 291, his Fifth Avenue gallery, and published it in his journal, “Camera Work.” Several paintings by other members of the Stieglitz circle—Arthur Dove, Marsden Hartley, John Marin and Georgia O’Keeffe—are included in the show. (O’Keeffe, who married Stieglitz in 1924, was also a romantic interest of Strand’s. Stieglitz was more than 20 years her senior and Strand was three years her junior.)

In 1922, Strand married Rebecca Salsbury and purchased a hand-cranked Akeley motion picture camera. Perhaps representing the two sides of the photographer’s aesthetic, five tight close-ups of each—woman and camera—are displayed on one wall.
In the early 1930s, having separated from both his wife and his mentor Stieglitz, Strand moved to Mexico for two years, drawn by the socialist government and related artistic activity. He photographed people in town squares, among other subjects then dropped still photography to make films.

One of the exhibition’s two screening rooms presents a nine-minute segment from “Redes,” his 1936 film about a fictional Mexican fishing village, alternating with a segment from “Native Land,” his documentary about union busting, released in 1942.
Several galleries are devoted to Strand’s travels, which resulted in a number of collaborative “portraits of place.” Three that became books receive special attention: “Time in New England”; “Un Paese: Portrait of an Italian Village,” about Luzzara, the hometown of Cesare Zavattini, screenwriter of the Vittorio De Sica film “The Bicycle Thief”; and “Ghana: An African Portrait.”
The three books, none still in print, have been digitized for browsing on computer kiosks.

The last decades of Strand’s life were spent in France. He and his third wife, photographer Hazel Kingsbury, bought a house in Orgeval outside of Paris. The closing section of the exhibition shows photographs of the Strands in their garden and several of the still lifes of plants he grew there.

“Paul Strand: Master of Modern Photography” is one of several good reasons for a trip to Philadelphia, also the home of the Barnes Foundation, the Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts and the Institute of Contemporary Art.

Upcoming auctions at Freeman’s, the oldest American auction house, include Modern & Contemporary Works of Art (Nov. 2), Jewelry & Watches (Nov. 3), American Furniture, Folk & Decorative Arts (Nov. 13) and American Art & Pennsylvania Impressionists (Dec. 7).

Among the leading Philadelphia art galleries are Schwarz Gallery, next to Freeman’s on Chestnut Street, specializing in 19th- and early 20th-century paintings; Newman Galleries on Walnut Street, showing paintings by Eakins student Fred Wagner (Nov. 1-Dec. 31, reception Nov. 14); and contemporary gallery Locks Gallery on Washington Square, presenting “Thomas Chimes: The Body in Spirals” (Nov. 7-Dec. 13).
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Paul Simkin •

On October 18 and 19, boaters from around the world gathered in the historic seaport of Annapolis, Maryland for the United States Powerboat Show. Now in its 43rd year, it is the world’s oldest in-water powerboat show. Boaters have the unique opportunity to board and inspect most new models on the market, make side-by-side comparisons, and talk to industry representatives about all aspects of buying and owning a boat. Acres of docks exhibited everything from luxurious multi-million dollar motor and ocean-going yachts and trawlers to high-performance powerboats and offshore fishing machines. On display were boats of every style from 8’ to 90’ including family cruisers, center console fishing boats, inflatables, paddleboards, ski boats, and trailerable powerboats. [gallery ids="101893,136721,136719" nav="thumbs"]

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy:
I can’t stop texting my ex. I know I need to stop, but I have a lot of questions about how things ended and I am not getting the answers I need (or maybe that I want to hear). I have tried to stop many times, even asked my ex to block my number, but I still keep going back to it. I know it’s making it harder to get over the relationship.
-Texting Mess

Dear Texting:
First, you are not alone. This is actually a topic that comes up a lot in my office. I am impressed that you are the one asking for help to make this stop rather than shifting the focus onto how Ex has wronged you and using that as justification for your actions. You can get better but it may not be easy.

This is harassment and it could have legal repercussions. I checked in with local attorney Regina DeMeo and she explains that while it could be difficult for Ex to obtain a restraining order based on compulsive texting alone, you need to tread lightly here. “Any legal action involving an adult is part of the public record, and when companies or credit bureaus do background checks on people, orders entered against someone can harm their chances of employment and damage credit scores,” she says. “If you have a Protective Order entered against you, it can jeopardize your security clearance and your right to own a gun. In addition, it can definitely impact a person’s right in child custody cases.”

Beyond the legal issues, I am concerned about your emotional wellbeing. It sounds like your efforts to understand the breakup have taken up the space that the relationship used to fill. In other words, rather than get over Ex you have just renegotiated a new kind of coupling based on compulsive texting. Compulsive behavior – in whatever form – is hard on the body and mind. True, yours may be rooted in the pursuit of answers to a legitimate question but this has morphed into something else. When we act compulsively it is because we are seeking a release for anxiety. But if the compulsion is also injurious (e.g. it robs us of our self-respect or puts us at risk of legal action) it becomes part of a continuous loop of self-harm.

For you, I recommend more self care, and absolutely no more preventable self-harm. But it is up to you to decide whether or not it’s time to change things. The good news is that you have help on this path. This isn’t just about willpower – a losing bet on its own – it’s about building new skills and trying new routines. Block Ex’s number from your phone today and then buy a book about compulsive behavior or look into finding a therapist who can help you map this new territory.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Terrance Gelenter • October 9, 2014

I had the pleasure of meeting Poppy Nicole Salinger at a cocktail party at her Paris apartment several years ago, but it wasn’t until now that I was able to accept her invitation to the Bastide Rose, her boutique hotel in Provence.

Her name may sound familiar to Washingtonians. She is the widow of Pierre Salinger, who served as press secretary to President John Kennedy and who lived in Georgetown. The couple were a superb match. Following her husband’s death in 2004 she created le Musée Pierre Salinger at Le Bastide as a permanent memorial to the man and his times.

We pointed our Fiat towards the village of Le Thor, a scant 17 miles from Avignon, and left the main highway for a narrow country lane bordered by cornfields until we found this most charming of destinations.

We were met by her husband, Aygulf Le Cense, who insisted on toting our bags to the main house. We insisted on mounting the staircase with our luggage to our splendid “Lavender” suite. Decorated with 18th-century provençal furniture, it offered a living-room with a view on the sculpture park and a bedroom with a view on the river, the island and the courtyard.

Once we were settled, it was time for a vintage pastis along the banks of Le Sorgue, where we met a charming couple from Houston and old friends of Poppy who were making their annual visit. (More than a third of her guests are regulars.)

Before dinner we had time to visit the Pierre Salinger Museum that is updated regularly with documents, photographs and memorabilia, including her late husband’s upright piano. The San Francisco-born, francophone Pierre was emblematic of the young blood assembled by JFK to bring vigor and purpose to the New Frontier.

Emmanuel de Menthon, Poppy’s son with her first husband, offers fresh and authentic cuisine for lunch or dinner. His “discovery of the day” often comes from the local farmer’s market and is served on small tables or on a communal table (upon request) on one of the two terraces or in the winter garden. Dining is accompanied by local and national wines: Gigondas, Vacqueyras and, of course, Châteauneuf du Pape, without forgetting the delicious country wines Luberon and Côtes du Ventoux.

We were joined at dinner by Poppy, Aygulf, Charles Pomméry of the Champagne house and his wife Colette for a convivial meal that begin with tomatoes so sweet and fresh that I thought I was back in New Jersey in August where beefsteaks are king. A fresh grilled white fish with seasonal vegetables and plenty of wine were pure pleasure.

This is a place that exudes serenity. I could easily have stayed for a week with a few books, dips in the pool, leisurely walks and conversation with the assortment of international guests in search of the same.

So, come for a few days, taste wines in nearby Chateauneuf du Pape, shop for antiques in Isle Sur La Sorgue and most of all bath in the warm hospitality of Poppy and her family.
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