Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships

Dear Stacy:
This year I am resolving to do some things
differently when it comes to my personal life.
I turned 30 last year and dated a few guys
for a few months at a time (all after a big
breakup the year before with
a boyfriend I’d been with for
four years). At first these guys
seemed great, but soon, when
we got to the stage of spending
our weekends together and had
met one another’s friends, I
would start getting really irritated
by basically silly things.
I would be highly critical of
things they said (or wore), and
wouldn’t hold my tongue, which
sometimes led to an argument,
but always led to hurt feelings.
Those breakups were mutual,
but I know that my criticisms
had an impact. I don’t want to
be this kind of nitpicking girlfriend.
I want to know if there
is anything I can do to prevent this behavior,
because I really do know it won’t get me what
I really want, which is a husband and a family
in the near future.
– ISO Advice

Dear ISO,
Good news! You already may have
answered your question about whether there
is anything you can do “to
prevent this behavior in the
future.” From the start, it
sounds like you recognize
there’s a problem and you
are taking responsibility
for it. That’s an excellent
first step – and one that
is often hard-won. This is
not going to be about avoiding
these feelings, however.
It’s going to be about noticing
them, recognizing what
triggered them and taking
some time to see where the
roots lead you. You know,
one of those basic, mindful,
self-awareness quests. But
I have a hunch about where
this might lead, so I’ll give you a crib sheet.
If we were talking about one specific
relationship, in which your criticisms of his
ever-present Caps jersey showed up on his
Facebook wall for all to read, this would be
different. Instead, we’re talking about a pattern
of behavior occurring with all of Last Year’s
Boyfriends. Here’s the identified pattern: when
things start looking serious, your radar lights
up with criticisms that usher in the end of the
relationship. To me, that sounds like a highly
effective defense mechanism, protecting you
from getting in too deep – keeping you safe,
for the most part. You get out while the separation
is “mutual,” READ: no real hurt feelings,
no real lingering pain. Are you sure you are
ready to be in a long-term relationship right
now? Four years with Ex-Boyfriend was a long
time. Have you fully grieved that loss? It would
be too simple to label you a critical nitpicker.
I think you might have a wounded heart that
hasn’t quite healed enough to give someone
else a true chance.

Stacy Notaras Murphy www.stacymurphyLPC.
com is a licensed professional counselor and certified
Imago Relationship therapist practicing in
Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com.