Dear Stacy,
I have been hanging out with a girl for a few months. We’re both just out of college and it’s nothing serious, but we do spend a lot of our time together on the weekends and we have a lot of friends in common. I live outside D.C. proper and she lives in Georgetown, so we usually spend the weekend at her place. She wants me to go with her to a family event (a wedding) in a few weeks and while I told her yes, I am having second thoughts. Meeting her family feels like a big step and I don’t want to give her the wrong idea. Can I back out of the event? Do I have to explain why? I don’t want to be a jerk about things, but this feels like it’s moving too fast.
— Not Ready
Dear Not Ready:
I love your signature. It’s incredibly appropriate. You are not ready. Not ready to be her plus-one at a family gathering and not ready to be in a relationship. Otherwise, you’d realize that spending your weekends at her apartment means you are already in a relationship (no, really, it does) and you’d see that saying yes to a family wedding invitation also indicates that you are already in a relationship (yep, really, it does).
It sounds like you have been living into what a commitment to someone looks and feels like. But now that you see this so-called “hanging out” might be something she starts to rely on, you are (understandably) scared because that feels like something new for you. Lots of people hide behind the “casual” label because it feels like an insurance policy against being hurt if things don’t work out. I can tell you that from where I sit — in a therapy office, with multiple couples each week — mislabeling a relationship as less important does more to accelerate the hurt than protect us, because it confuses everyone about where we are and what we are allowed to expect from one another.
If your anxiety about the relationship is intolerable, and you just have to make a choice, let’s imagine that your ultimate decision is to break up with her. How does that feel? Is it a loss (and I mean an emotional loss, not just a loss of convenient real estate)? If so, you might need to make peace with the fact that you are in a relationship with her — because it’s good for you and you really like her!
But if the thought of breaking up feels like a relief, then we also know your next move: end it. Do it now, take ownership over the “why” (as in: “I realized that we moved into a relationship before I was certain. That was my mistake and I’m sorry.”). Then she can cut her losses, move on and find another plus-one ASAP.
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
