Murphy’s Love: Setting Boundaries With Relatives

Dear Stacy,

I am so sick of being asked if I’m dating anyone when I go home for the holidays. I am 27 years old, female and interested in a relationship with a man, but I am not interested in talking about it with my relatives. It seems to be the only topic of conversation they ever bring up with me. Yes, my sisters are both married — but they are also older and live in our hometown. I have avoided going home for a visit over the last year, but Christmas is non-negotiable with my family. How do I take care of myself when these pointed, nosy questions come up?

— None of Their Business

Dear Business,

I imagine we could replace the question “Are you dating anyone?” with a number of other inquiries (e.g., “When are you and your live-in boyfriend getting married?” or “When are you ever having a baby?”) with the same irritating result. The bottom line is that many of us struggle when relatives we don’t see very often want to know what’s going on with us and seem to feel entitled to an answer.

I say seem to feel entitled because my belief is that these questions often come up when people who have known us since childhood realize they have nothing interesting to say to us as adults. It’s uncomfortable, so their brains immediately latch onto the most basic thing they know about us: our social status in terms of The Big Life Moments. Usually, they have no idea how pointed their questions sound, not to mention how triggering they can be. If they did, it’s pretty unlikely they would ask, right? (If you disagree, and think Cousin Susan is just trying to antagonize you, then we need to start talking about alternate holiday plans for you from here on out.)

But back to the very appropriate (A+) question of how to take care of yourself. Boundaries are necessary and you actually can set them before taking the drastic step of not showing up. Set your own boundary, whether it’s a concise response to the question and then a change of subject (e.g., “I’ll let you know as soon as I know — but what I’m really interested in is how you keep your skin looking so glowing, Aunt Karen?”) or a rehearsed statement about how inappropriate the question is (e.g., “Wow, that’s a very personal question. I think I would prefer not to discuss it while doing the dishes, Grandma.”).

Then be prepared to set that boundary again. And again. And don’t interpret the reset requirement as evidence that you’ve chosen a bad boundary; we humans respond to rulemaking, but need time and practice to truly adapt.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.