Dear Stacy,
Last week my boyfriend (7 months, we are both in our 40s) said he thought it best if we didn’t date anymore. It was his idea, but I was inching toward the same conclusion myself (for different reasons). We mutually agreed to stay friends. Here’s the thing that’s confusing to me: not much has changed since we had that discussion.
He still sends me email and text messages a few times a day. He still calls me every night to discuss things that are happening in our lives. He still wants me to attend a dinner party with his friends next week. I have a business dinner next month at a restaurant that’s a favorite of his and, although I had not invited him (no one is bringing significant others), he volunteered that he’d like to go with me.
I am happy to remain friends with him. But this frequency of communication is something that, for me, is indicative of a romantic relationship. I don’t communicate this much with anyone else in my life, not my closest friends, not my family. I don’t dislike communicating with him and I do want to remain friends, but I feel like this is making it difficult for me to move on. Any suggestions on how I can address this with him without damaging the friendship?
– Confused
Dear Confused:
While anyone reading this would be impressed by your maturity in this situation — I really am! — I think there seems to be a myth of how “mature” people always stay friends with Exes. We fast-track from Ex to Pal, and everyone’s supposed to be okay with it. But the truth is that a breakup is a break. It has to be, otherwise, as you said, we can’t heal and move on. Instead, we linger and we suppose and we what-if ourselves to the point of distraction.
Your Pal’s behavior tells us that you fulfill much of what he needs in his life, but, for whatever reason, he is unable to commit fully. You said you were heading toward ending the relationship yourself. I think you might need to have that breakup convo regardless of what happened last week. Set your own terms, so you don’t wind up feeling used.
You worry about “damaging the friendship,” but the friendship is brand new (and, I am even going to say, not entirely based in reality). It’s unrealistic that you would want to hear about his day every night without enjoying the real intimacy that kind of connection can create. Instead, you get to be the author of what a safe friendship is. But please, give yourself some time away from the dating and the friending; that’s where the perspective and healing happens. I understand there may not be massive wounds around this breakup, but even abrasions need air and time to heal. Then you will feel more confident when you find New Boyfriend and you want to tell Pal all about him.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
