Murphy’s Love: Red Flag or Learning Experience?

*Dear Stacy,
I have been in a relationship for six months after a long time without a relationship. I am thrilled to have a boyfriend and am loving getting to spend holidays and weekends together. I am so excited to plan things for just the two of us. The problem? I recently discovered that he “borrowed” my credit card without asking. He has been struggling with money lately, and I know it’s stressful to him that I am always paying for our dates and such. I understand why it was hard for him to ask me for money — but my friends are saying he “stole” it from me. He apologized and said he won’t do it again, but I wonder if he’s actually done it before (I’m not too careful about reading my credit card statements and only discovered this by accident). I don’t know what to do. Is this the red flag my friends say it is? I am in love with him, so this is not an easy position for me.
— Loving a Thief?*

Dear Loving,

Before jumping to conclusions, we need to know what we are dealing with on this. Clear vision is required, or you could either regret it later or always find yourself wondering. Go through your credit card statements to make sure what we have here is a one-time indiscretion and not a pattern of behavior. If you find that Boyfriend’s use of your card went beyond the incident you discovered, then we have both a thief and a liar — a bad, and perhaps irredeemable, combo. But if it was, indeed, a single episode, we can use it as a learning experience for you both. But you have to use it. Don’t ignore it. Please.

When I say “learning experience,” remember that a relationship requires us to learn and stretch and grow. When relationships don’t demand that of us, we are stagnant and wither away. So take heart! This is an opportunity for you and Boyfriend to stretch and grow your relationship. I know that may not sound as exciting to you as it does to me, but bear with me.

Use this as a chance to really talk about what honesty means to you, what money means to you, what debt means to you, etc. Try your best not to just sweep this incident under the rug. (If you already have done that, pull the rug up and talk about it.) Use it as an opening to a conversation about expectations and security — a conversation that all long-term relationships require.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com*