Dear Stacy:
My husband pays no attention to me. Period. We live separate lives under the same roof. We made a decision not to have kids before we got married, but now I realize there’s very little holding us together besides financial stress. I am thinking about having an affair with my co-worker to burn off some sexual energy. I really don’t want to divorce, but I need someone to care about me. Is this a good idea?
–Affair or no?
Dear Affair:
Nope, this is not a good idea.
But you knew that already, so let’s just cross “co-worker affair” off our list of possible remedies and get down to the real business.
You say there is little holding you two together. What does that really mean? Do you come from a place where obligation is the reason people stay together? If so, that’s part of the problem. The solution is learning the other reasons people stay together and then checking to see if you two have those reasons or can at least work to achieve them. This kind of relationship malaise is not uncommon, but it is toxic over time. Time to put in some effort on the clean up.
I’m going to recommend therapy as a place to start, but if that feels too hard right now, start with a conversation – and not the one you might be fantasizing about. That one, where you dramatically tell Husband you are considering an affair with a co-worker. That one is not going to end the way you want it to, with a declaration of love on your husband’s part and a renewed sense of lasting intimacy. The better conversation needs to be about you feeling like he has no interest in you and the impact that has on your own functioning (e.g. “When I feel like you don’t see me, I feel lonely and abandoned…”). Channel your needs back into the relationship – at least for a little while – so you can see if there’s anything left to grow between you.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
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