Murphy’s Love: Socializing – His and Hers

Dear Stacy,

I have been married a little over two years, and have lived in D.C. since college. My husband is new to the area and doesn’t have many friends. He’s an introvert, but a great guy and an avid sports fan. He just doesn’t have anyone to go to games with unless someone is visiting us. I, on the other hand, like being social and have a lot of friends. We aren’t starting a family for a few more years, and I want to take advantage of the time because I know making new friends stops when you have kids. My husband and I keep arguing about how much I want to go out. I wish he would have his own things to do, but he just winds up staying home by himself and being passive-aggressive when I get back. What can I do to make this better?

– To party or not to party?

Dear Party:

We can talk about your views on making friends through parenthood another day, but, trust me, it happens. Today your concern is that Husband needs some friends. I know you think that making new connections would be the solution, but that’s not what I read in your situation. I am more concerned about how he takes this out on you.

Staying at home by yourself is a fine choice for a true introvert. If he gets energy that way and actually enjoys himself, huzzah. But it sounds like he is not having a good time, and instead reacts to you (just “being you”) with hostility, veiled and not-so-veiled. Readers of this column know that’s a massive red flag. If he resents you and doesn’t name that so you two can work it out (e.g., have a standing date night, ritualize how you reconnect after an evening apart, set a goal to go out with like-minded couples at least once a month, etc.), then his unresolved feelings are creating a problem in your partnership. That could have a long shelf-life, and I don’t wish that on either of you. Time for an honest conversation.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com*