Murphy’s Love: Is It or Isn’t It an Affair?

Dear Stacy,

I am work-colleagues with a really incredible woman who is in a bad marriage. For financial and health reasons (her husband has major health issues and she is the breadwinner), she will not get divorced. She and I have feelings for one another. I think she might be my soul mate and we want to spend time together outside of work. I honestly don’t think this would even qualify as an affair, because there is no intimacy between her and her husband. Their relationship is purely platonic. We have been playing the will-they or won’t-they game for several months and I am ready to take that next step. There is just a small voice in my head saying this isn’t right and I am wondering what you think we should do.

– Ready to Move Forward

Dear Ready:

Short answer to what I think you should do: Wait. Long answer: Read below.

I am so very sorry that Soul Mate is married to someone else. But I’m not going to say it’s okay to “take that next step” (read: have sex with her) because she says her relationship with Husband is platonic. If that indeed is the case, then she should feel comfortable introducing you to him, and the three of you should feel comfortable setting up an agreement whereby you will spend time with Soul Mate. Sound comfortable? No? Then, yes, this is an affair.

And let me tell you what the result of an affair is (always): pain and regret. I’m not saying that more conventional relationships do not also carry their own share of pain and regret, but it’s guaranteed in this situation. You need to head into this with your eyes open. Even in the rare instances when the affair-partners have amicable divorces then marry one another, pain and regret are always a part of the story — because the beginning of the relationship was rooted in them.

If Soul Mate really is your soul mate, then it’s your responsibility to take excellent care of her. For starters, that means you owe her the opportunity to begin this relationship with you on a better footing. She needs to be separated. Husband needs to know the deal. And you need to “come out” as a couple at the office. If all of that sounds like too much work, if you just can’t control yourselves and waiting that long seems impossible, then you have to admit that this is about sex and not about soul mates.

And my advice remains the same: Wait. Because anything that starts with such fireworks is likely to end in a flameout.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.