Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships Don’t Allow Yourself to Be Sabotaged

My husband is not supportive of my efforts to get our house healthier. I am overweight and he is obese. I am trying my best to incorporate healthy meals and exercise, but he is resistant to all my efforts and seems to sabotage us every week. Most recently, I came home to three cartons of ice cream in the freezer — we had a deal that we weren’t going to bring ice cream into the house and he bought three! I just don’t know what to do. We are setting a terrible example for our kids. How do I get him back on board?

—Need a Partner

Dear Need:

I can hear the frustration and desperation in your message. All of that makes good sense, but I’m afraid you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to get him back on board because it sounds like he was never on board with this plan. He isn’t sabotaging you; he’s living his life the way he wants to live it, today, at this exact point in time. You are allowing yourself to be sabotaged by him. That’s not his responsibility (sorry!).

I can imagine you’re saying, “But he agreed! We made this plan together!” That may be true, but he’s not ready. He might say he’s ready, but he has to set his own boundaries. That’s not your responsibility (sorry again!).

We all need supportive people to help us reach our goals. If you explain it from that point of view, by saying, “I really need your help to stay on track” or “I am struggling when there’s ice cream in the house,” he may be more receptive to helping you maintain your momentum. But if he just can’t, that’s not a reason to eat all the ice cream. Even if it’s calling your name from the freezer, there are strategies that can replace that call with other voices of encouragement. Kicking a bad habit is difficult without a supportive environment. Make sure you are being supported elsewhere (a friend, a support group, a diet app, etc.).

Changing your lifestyle is a huge gift to yourself. I applaud you. But please don’t hand someone else the power to decide whether you’re going to be successful. That’s a recipe for being disappointed — and disempowered.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.