Body & Soul

Charlene Louis • November 6, 2012

It goes by many names. Cottage cheese, orange peel, hail damage. But whatever you call it, cellulite has been a scourge for bikini and swimsuit wearers for years. Unfortunately, when women pile on the winter pounds, it tends to sit stubbornly on our hips, bottom and thighs … Just in time for summer. Since cellulite is a structural problem—the “cheese effect” only worsens as the pounds are added on. With age, hormones and genetics, the connective tissue that bands under the skin begins to stiffen and the fat cells they surround to become larger and push up into the skin. This creates the “cottage cheese” effect you that many of us wish we could eliminate.

But there is good news. The Food and Drug Administration recently approved a one-time treatment method called Cellulaze that helps diminish the look of cellulite. Using a very small cannula (a narrow tube that is roughly the size of a pen tip), the Cellulaze™ laser is inserted directly under the skin and a controlled laser is used to treat the affected area. The laser diminishes the lumpy pockets of fat, releases the areas of skin depression and increases the elasticity and thickness of the skin. Because the cannula is so small, Cellulaze™ is a minimally invasive procedure that can be performed under local anesthesia.

Wondering what the catch is? There are few locations within the District at offer the treatment (which will surely change in the next few months) and depending on the size being treated, the cost of the one-time only treatment can range from $5,000-7,000. In general, people do pay upwards of $10,000 for cosmetic work and other forms of surgery, but this amount may be seem like pocket change to those seeking more confidence in shorts and bathing suits.

For those looking for just a bit more confidence and not willing shed the skin pucker or the money for such a treatment, there are some at home remedies that can help reduce the appearance and provide you with the confidence to ask “Who wears short shorts?”

Steer from Salty and Sugary Snacks
In most cases, cellulite is simply part of the genes you were born with, but you can reduce their appearance with a healthy diet. This includes avoiding excessive sugar, which gets stored in fat cells and causes them to expand and try limiting your salt intake. Sodium causes fluid retention, meanwhile, which makes cellulite appear even worse.

There’s a Rub
Massages actually help reduce the appearance of cellulite. Because cellulite is comprised of fibrous connective bands between the skin and fat, the fat is pulled to the surface, causing the pocketed effect on skin. Pressure on the skin can help loosen the bands, stimulate circulation and drain excess fluids.

Drink and Be Merry
We’ve all been told to drink at least eight 8-ounce glasses of water per day. Not many of us are walking around with liter bottles, but by increasing our water intake, we allow our bodies to flush out the toxins hidden between the fat layers which help reduce the appearence of cellulite. When we consume more water our skin appears healthy and plump … which is much better than any lump.

A Lovin’ Spoonful of Flaxseeds
By adding flaxseeds to meals and salads, you can help the appearance of your cellulite. Flaxseed boosts collagen growth, the main component of connective tissue in our skin. By strengthening this, it reduces the appearance of cellulite. Just sprinkle a couple of tablespoons daily on oatmeal, cereal and yogurt to help prevent cellulite.

Georgetowner • November 1, 2012

DEAR STACY,

I am a fit, healthy, 29-year-old woman and I hate dating in DC. It seems like in any other city, I would be considered desirable, but here I?m completely ignored. Guys my own age are only interested in one-night stands. Older men are only interested in women who are younger than I am. The bar scene is the worst, and the judgments are so fast and based on nothing realistic (I actually have seen women padding their bras in the bathrooms ? are we in 8th grade?). The few real dates I?ve been on since the spring (when I ended a long-term relation- ship) have been less about the guy getting to know me, and more about him getting to know whether I would go home with him later that night (answer: no). I have heard that there are real men who like real women in the Midwest. I cannot believe I?m actually thinking about moving for the possibility that I will find love.

?About Done with D.C.

DEAR ABOUT DONE:

You?re right, DC is a tough dating market. Men and women alike have made similar com- plaints in my office, each with their own inter- pretations: men aren?t interested in real women, women in DC won?t date men who aren?t rich, men are superficial and sex-driven, women are
superficial and change the rules too much, and on and on. While I can?t advise you against finding a good Midwestern boy (I?d be a hypo- crite if I said that), I will say that you may not have to pack up your things and head to Indiana just yet.

The bar scene can be a tough place to meet that special someone. First, we need to do a thorough inventory of your approach and, ahem, require that you stay out of the bars if you truly are looking for love (Looking for a fun girls night? Bars are ok). Regard dating as you might consider a job search in a tough economy. Monster.com and the Sunday employment section can only get you so far. Network with your girlfriends, coworkers, volunteer mates (you should be volunteering, btw). Let everyone know you are open to meet- ing a Good Guy, but don?t make that your entire pitch. You want to meet a Good Guy who will {fill in with some specific, fun activity} with you. In other words, you want to create a picture of the life you want, and make sure that those around you have that image as well. That way, when they come across someone who might fit into that scenario, they already have the idea that you could be the right match. ?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacy- murphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertain- ment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • October 17, 2012

DEAR STACY,
My husband promised to get a vasectomy once we were done having children. Baby no. 3 just turned 2, and still, nothing has happened. We do not want a fourth. He has all the excuses in the book ? no time to schedule an appointment, changed jobs so health insurance changed, forgot to follow up with a referral. I?m sure that on some level he?s afraid of the procedure, even though he hasn?t said that. But I?ve had three C-sections, so I have a hard time not seeing him as a very lazy, selfish person. We have a great marriage otherwise, but this unspoken thing between us is taking a toll on me.
?Exasperated

DEAR EXASPERATED

Try to be supportive and understanding if a partner is nervous about going under the knife.
I am sorry you are feeling this way and appreciate your situation. Your frustration is completely valid. You thought you had an agree- ment and Husband has been using passive meth- ods to avoid following through. At the same time, I think there is more you could be doing ? particularly in terms of finding out more about his concerns. Sure, he could be afraid of the surgery, but we are just speculating until we get some real data.

You describe this situation as an ?unspoken thing? between you two ? let?s push in on that
key phrase. To get what you want, you are going to have to speak about it, again. But this time I am going to encourage you to be calm (breathe), gentle (use a soft voice), and curious (pause and be intrigued by what he says). Use the therapist?s trick of mirroring what he says, asking him to tell you more about how he feels. Do not inter- rupt and say something angry or judgmental. Ignore the urge to pepper the conversation with ?you should? and ?you promised? ? that route will lead to an argument or, worse, another delay tactic on his part. You need to know the real story behind his behavior, and he?s not going to feel safe telling you unless you make it safe for him to be honest. ?
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed profession- al counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counsel- ing. Send your confidential question to stacy@ georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • September 6, 2012

*Dear Stacy,
Well, here we are again ? another unceremonious breakup. This time I really thought things were going well, and even that I had overlooked quite a few issues (like his overbearing mother, his reluctance to actually plan a date) so as to make our relationship work for the last six months. But no, he now says he?s taken stock and realized that I?m just not ?the one.? I have lots of friends to take me out and listen to me complain about his insensitivity. They remind me what a great girlfriend I am, and tell me there are other fish in the sea. What I want from you is a clich?-free explanation for why this failed again, even as I tried my hardest to withhold my criticism and just make it work. What is going on with me that after 22 years of dating (I?m 37), I?m still getting dumped.
?Not the One*

Dear Not the One,
I?m so sorry you are struggling with this, but I do know one thing about your question: You aren?t the one, and neither is he. Hear me on this one, he is not ?the one? for you. Take heart in that. He wasn?t your match, and here?s why: When we meet our match, we don?t ?overlook issues,? we have the security and patience to work them through.

It is unfortunate that he realized you weren?t the Tami for his Eric Taylor before you did. But it sounds to me like you actually knew something wasn?t right, but you had already been convinced that your own judgment was not to be trusted. Perhaps you have bought into the suggestions of well-meaning friends or relatives who, when faced with the end of one of your relationships, asked whether you were being too critical about this or that. Over time ? and through 22 years of dating ? a message is sent that ?I must be doing something wrong here. So I will stop doing anything, and see what happens.?

But what happens when we don?t do anything (when try our hardest to ?withhold criticism and just make it work?), is that we aren?t being real in the relationship. This results in a pervasive fakeness, built on false expectations and interactions. Usually, the other party realizes he?s dating an automaton, and exits with one excuse or another.

So here?s my clich?-free advice: take solace in your girlfriends? positive cheerleading, and then stop taking anyone else?s advice. Set aside some time to think about who you are in a relationship ? maybe you don?t know? That?s a great jumping off point with a therapist or relationship coach. When you get clear about your needs and wants, realizing they are valid needs and wants, you will be in a better position to find a partner capable of meeting those needs and wants.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphylpc.com), and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).*

Georgetowner • August 22, 2012

**Dear Stacy: **
*My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. We have had some major downs where his drinking is concerned. I love this man with my whole heart and can see all the good in the world in him, but the fact is that he has an addiction to pain killers and booze. Though he isn?t drinking everyday, when he binges, it?s bad. Recently, he passed out at a bar and did not come home. Another time, he spent the whole night out partying with a friend. At that point, I had had it, and I packed his things. It was over. But now, I miss him so much it is making me crazy. I do love him, and I know he loves me. But is it worth it to try counseling? Or do I cut my losses and keep it moving without him? I truly have no idea how to deal with an addict. Everyone else has given up on him, and in a sense, I guess I did too by sending him away. But he is a good person, a good father to my kids when he is sober, and a good mate when he gets out of his own way.*
*?On My Own Again*

**Dear On My Own,**
Thank you for sending this and giving me the chance to use this space to walk you through this very common situation.

It is my opinion that a person can be an active, non-sober, addict and still be a good person. It is also my opinion that a person cannot be an active addict and still be a good partner/father/friend.
That distinction is really tough, because we can see the good and the potential in Boyfriend, but we cannot trust him with anything of value. I always think counseling is useful, and a session or two with him and an objective third party might help him see some of the impact of his behavior. But that?s not going to be an effective, long-term option while he?s an active addict. Whenever I work with a couple with an active addiction in the process, I require that the addict be in a 12-step program and have his/her own counselor on the side. It won?t work without such rules.

The hard part about addiction is that you cannot make him change. All the conversation and love and begging in the world will not make it stick. Boyfriend has to want to do it himself, and typically that does not happen until, as you note, everyone has given up on a person. ?Rock bottom? is defined differently for every person. For some, that only happens when the one person they love the most ? ?the one who never will give up? on them ? finally says, ?I can?t take it anymore.? Having him move out could be part of what gets him moving toward actual recovery. I know it?s an unbelievably difficult choice to make.

So if I?m giving advice, I?d say that you should pat yourself on your back for reaching the end of your own rope and making a decision based on the health and welfare of your heart and your kids. We can only control our own actions, so I?d say focus your energy on staying healthy, modeling good boundaries for those kids (who right at this moment are watching every move you make, and building their own foundations for what they will and will not accept in relationships for the rest of their lives).

Meanwhile, also please be gentle with yourself when it gets hard. When you miss him. When you are nostalgic. We all want to be in connection with another person ? that?s what we?re on earth to do. So please do not beat yourself up for grieving the loss of that in this person right now. That is what this is: grief. There are steps, there are stages, but at the core, the most effective healer is time and distance. Stop telling yourself this is something/someone to get over. This is more about just getting through.

We have no idea if Boyfriend will figure out his own side of this and develop into someone capable of being all you know he can be for you and your family. All we know is that you have reached a limit and that?s sacred. You have to trust that instinct and find support where you can.Take advantage of that extended family. Alanon is also a great community to help loved ones get free peer support around this exact situation. Let me know if I can help you find a chapter. Use those resources and it will get easier.

**Dear Stacy:**
*I want to get engaged to my girlfriend of three years, but I just don?t have enough money to pay for a good enough engagement ring. I know she wants something spectacular. Right now I can only afford something small. I will be so embarrassed if she doesn?t like the ring, and I know that will start us out on the wrong foot for our marriage. I want us to have a good marriage and I think that a good ring will help start us out right. I?ve looked at fake diamonds ? some of them actually look pretty good, I don?t think she would really know the difference. What do you think I should do? BTW, we are both 23 years old.*
*? Blingfree in D.C.*

**Dear Blingfree,**
Deep breath (for me). So many things are going on here that give me pause, I need bullet points:

? Ring size has nothing to do with the quality of someone?s marriage. If you believe it does, you are not ready to get engaged.

? Have you talked to Girlfriend about getting engaged? The days of shocking a girl with a ring in her champagne glass are over ? no one should be totally caught off guard when they are asked to make such a monumental decision. Therefore, no one should be afraid to talk about a ring budget before making a purchase. If you are afraid of this conversation, you are not ready to get engaged.

? Are you asking me if you should give Girlfriend a fake diamond and not tell her it?s a fake diamond? Are you also seeking advice about not starting the marriage out on the wrong foot? Can you see the dilemma here? If not, you are not ready to get engaged.

? Again for good measure: ring size has nothing to do with the quality of someone?s marriage. If you still think so, you are not ready to get engaged.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).*

Georgetowner • July 25, 2012

**DEAR STACY:**

*I married a man who I knew had different political
views than I did. For a long time ? 10 years
? that didn?t seem to be an issue, he had his
opinions (conservative) and I had mine (more to
the left). I actually used to find our debates to
be a turn-on. But now we have two little girls
and I am worrying that their dad?s increasingly-
Tea Party-like opinions about things could have
a lasting impact on them. I avoid social events
because I?m afraid he?ll say something embarrassing.
It used to be that we were from different
political viewpoints, but it?s starting to feel like
we have different values. Is this a good enough
of a reason to get a divorce?*

*? On the Left, Afraid of the Right*

**DEAR: LEFT,**

Are we looking for a ?good enough of a reason?
to divorce?

You are not the only spouse married to someone
with a differing viewpoint who is feeling
a little more pressured at this time of year (or
is it this time of every four years?). Thanks to
an unrelenting news cycle and lots of blinking
outlets for information, the regularly scheduled
arguing might just seem a little louder this time
around. But you just jumped from political debates
being a turn-on, to them being a reason for
divorce. That?s an enormous vault. Let?s look a
little more before we leap.

You aren?t too specific about how Husband?s
opinions could have a lasting impact on your
daughters, so I would rather not make assumptions
about the details. If you are worried about
their safety, then you absolutely should make arrangements
to keep them secure. But if you are
concerned about having their feelings hurt simply
by being exposed to a certain set of ideas,
remember that you can always be the personification
of the counter argument. In fact, together
you can teach those girls how to see various
sides to any issue. Not a bad thing to learn at
home.

But my suspicion is that your daughters? egos
are just a ?better? reason for you to get serious
about a rift between you and Husband. Have
you noticed other differences in recent years ?
thoughts on childrearing, conflict styles, interactions
with family members ? that also reflect
a shift in values? If so, please take the time to
talk with him in the presence of a third party
(clergyperson, couples counselor, etc.), before
making a decision about divorce. Being calm
and curious about his changes might help him
feel safe enough to really consider what?s driving
his evolution in the first place. Who knows
what you both might learn if you take some time
and start working on this together?

**DEAR STACY:**

*I live in a summer sublet apartment and my
roommate?s parents are visiting AGAIN in early
August. They were here for FIVE DAYS in June
to move her in. They came back to ?bunk? with
us for 4th of July, and now they?re planning their
third trip for ? fun? before they come back midmonth
to move her out. They stay in her room
when they visit, but they really take over the
whole apartment, not to mention MY LIFE for
4-5 days each time. I?m all for close families ? I
love my parents and talk to them on the phone
weekly ? but this is INSANE. I was expecting
a fun summer with lots of interesting stories,
but all I seem to have are details (and I mean
DETAILS) of their visits to all the Smithsonians
because they share them with me every minute
I?m home.*

*-Mommy and Daddy Issues*

**DEAR ISSUES:**

WOW. You don?t say anything about the size
of your sublet, but I?m assuming it?s not big
enough for you and a family of three on a biweekly
basis.

I feel for you, but really, you must know what
I?m going to say? All together now, Have you
said anything about this directly to Roommate?
If not, stop reading this and give her a call. Right
now. Just go.

This behavior is baffling, to say the least, but
perhaps Roommate has no idea how uncomfortable
this makes you feel? Maybe she feels just
as uncomfortable and would just LOVE an excuse
to get them not to make the drive into town
next month? Or she might have a good reason
for wanting all this Mommy/Daddy/Daughter
special time. Be calm and ask her to clue you
in. Let?s give her the benefit of the doubt and
see where that leads you. If she fails the ?Dude,
seriously?? test, then you can just meet them at
the door next time with a prorated bill for their
share of the rent and utilities, and chalk it up to
learning a life lesson about the right questions to
ask any future roommates. ?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional
counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist
practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.
com, and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC.
This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • July 9, 2012

**DEAR STACY:**

*We just had our first baby and I have zero energy for anything. My husband and I are fighting all the time. I have a sharp tongue when I?m angry, and it hurts his feelings. After the argument is over, I usually realize that I jumped to a conclusion or was overreacting to whatever he had said or done. I feel so guilty but I am able to admit when I?m wrong. I apologize and we move on. But I would really like some tips on how to keep from getting so angry in the first place! We never used to be like this. Things used to be very simple when we disagreed about anything. But these fights always seem to take place in the middle of the night, when our son is up screaming. I don?t want to keep having the same argument all the time. What can I do?*

*? Suffering and Sleep-deprived*

**DEAR SUFFERING,**

I know it?s cold comfort at this point, but we?ve all been there. Anyone who has brought a child into a once-simple household and seen the almost immediate carnage can relate to your situation. We also can tell you that this, too, will pass. Okay, enough with the unhelpful clich?s.

You are asking for tips on being less reactive in the moment, a moment which usually takes place in the middle of the night, obviously without the benefit of a fully-rested mental state. My first tip is: Please don?t expect too much of yourself under those circumstances. If you can muster a little self-empathy it will go a long way to helping curb your reactivity. Next, try to notice what happens in your body when you start to get angry. Does your breathing get shallow? Do you feel tension in your neck or stomach? Make a mental (or physical) note of these indicators so that when they appear, you will know what is about to happen and you may be more capable of getting a handle on your anger before you lash out.

Next, breathe ? humor me and just do it. With practice, deep breaths (instead of nasty retorts) can become your automatic reaction to when you feel your body start to tense up. This process will clear your mind, or at least help you bridge to the point where you can see if you might be jumping to that wrong conclusion.

Then mirror what your husband is saying. Give it back to him, word-for-word, without interpretative voice inflection or attitude, and ask, ?Did I get it?? This serves two purposes. First, it lets him know that you heard him, calming his own anxiety in the moment while making him more receptive to your views. Second, it allows him to hear what he said ? he?s likely sleep- deprived as you are, and we all say things we don?t exactly mean at those times. Your husband can hear what he said, pause and decide if that?s really the message he wants to send. He can revise it or not, but I promise you he will be less defensive if you use this technique.

All of this is to help de-escalate the conflict in the middle of the night. Mirroring will not solve a disagreement about co-sleeping or how many blankets Baby needs. But it will buy you some time, and build up some goodwill between you. This will help avoid the tired routine of recognizing you were wrong, feeling guilty, and apologizing the next day, when it?s even more likely that you haven?t had much sleep again, either.

**DEAR STACY:**

*My husband got a new cell phone and started using a passcode to open it. He didn?t keep his old phone locked this way and I never found anything to worry about when I looked through it, but now I am starting to be suspicious. What should I do?*

*?Phone-Focused*

**DEAR PHONE-FOCUSED,**

So you have a habit of reading Husband?s texts and emails when you start getting suspicious about him, and now you are frustrated that you can?t get a quick fix to calm your anxiety? I wonder … Could this habit have something to do with his decision to get a new phone?

We don?t know from your letter if Husband?s job requires him to lock his phone (many do) or if you have talked to him about your doubts (probably not). What you do provide is some insight into how you may be managing your anxiety about your relationship: you check up on him and then breathe a sigh of relief. His new technology has removed this coping mechanism, and so you need a new one. Let?s celebrate that you wrote to me requesting relationship advice, and not to a techie forum requesting tips on how to hack into his device. That shows you are interested in improving your partnership overall ? a very good start!

I?m going to invite you to do a very honest inventory of whether you have a good reason to be suspicious about his activity. If he has been unfaithful before, how did you get through it? Did you work on your relationship together, or push the hurt and disaffection under the rug? Consider airing it out again (for best results, with a trained professional).

But if Husband has not given you a concrete reason to be distrustful, continue your honest inventory by looking at yourself ? your history, parents, friends, etc. If you are worried that Husband could become a jerk like So-and- So?s ex, perhaps you could explore your fears in a manner that is more healthy and life-giving than playing Nancy Drew.

Whenever we find ourselves doing something unconscious (which is what all that phone- patrolling really is) to allay our fears about a relationship, the faster and easier path to wholeness usually is becoming conscious about our motivations. Not an easy choice, but much more satisfying in the end. ?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on twitter @ StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Dr. Dorree Lynn • June 18, 2012

I couldn’t stand my husband’s terrible snoring another minute, so I’ve been sleeping in the guest room. I love the peace and quiet, but now we rarely see each other. How can we keep the romance alive?
– Betty, 57

An estimated 20 percent of American couples do not sleep in the same bed. This is not necessarily a sign of a poor relationship. With age, people are willing to experiment and create their own comfort zones. Some people find that they need more alone time or that their partners’ snoring or rolling
around in bed really troubles them. There is a difference between sleeping apart because you just don’t like each other anymore and choosing to sleep separately for comfort’s sake. If it’s the latter, it’s important to make the time and effort to meet, greet, and connect with each other for sharing, intimacy, and lovemaking. Even when you sleep in the same bed, if you go to bed at different times, it helps to make a conscious effort to bond with each other for the sake of your relationship and sex lives. Find some time each day to cuddle and connect in bed, with or without sex.

One way of keeping passion and sex alive is to consider making love in new places, like a night in a hotel, or for those who are adventurous, remembering the passion of your youth on the living room floor, or in front of the fireplace, or maybe even on a kitchen table. If a new environment is a turn-on for you be creative, and find new places to keep sex alive.

If you can only do one thing to make your bedroom an oasis for you and your partner KEEP STRESS OUT. If possible put computers and work papers someplace else, and above all save all stress-producing conversations (about money, children, sick parents, grandparents, illness, and whatever might raise your blood pressure) for outside the bedroom. Once you enter your special space try to protect yourself and your partner from all sex-chilling stress of any kind.

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy:

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up three months ago (her idea). She wasn’t happy. She wanted to go out more and wanted me to be more social than I really am (I’m an introvert, plain and simple). I started dating someone new, and it’s been pretty casual between us (she travels a lot for work) and I’m happy. At least I thought I was until my Ex updated her Facebook profile to show that she is “in a relationship” with a new guy. I thought I was over her and had moved on with my life, but seeing this update makes me so angry I can’t see straight. We’ve had some contact since the breakup (occasional texting, I ran into her at a party) and she has said nothing about the new guy. Then, suddenly she’s in a committed relationship out of the blue, and my friends are all asking me what I think about it. When I think about it, I’m not jealous, really. I’m just angry at her for making a public announcement like this without telling me first. I never changed my [Facebook] status to show I was dating someone new, because it’s not serious. I’m just so angry that she would tell me like this.
-Blood-boiling in Arlington

Dear Blood-boiling:
I’m so sorry that you are feeling humiliated – no one likes that feeling — and I’m impressed that you can already name it amid all the boiling blood and such. Your anger (Justified? I’m not sure . . .) makes sense as it functions as a surface emotion giving your mind the “permission” it needs to experience the humiliation. That’s what anger is, a surface experience giving us clues to a deeper, more difficult emotion. Your humiliation may be part of what’s driving the anger, but I would also imagine there was a little bit of denial operating under there as well. You got into another, very “casual” relationship soon after the breakup of a long-term coupling. This hints that you may not have really worked through the pain that comes when any relationship ends – regardless of who chose to exit first, there is always sadness and mourning when a partnership ends.
As you said, you “moved on” quite quickly into a casual dating situation with someone who is not overly available. This also suggests that you were working to find a quick fix to numb the pain of the breakup. So, here you are, several months later with a still burning wound lacking any intentional medical treatment (stick with this metaphor, I’m getting somewhere, I promise). Her status update was a new blow to that still-tender gash – super painful and undoing any of the minor remediation provided by New Girl’s presence. You need to clean this wound: e.g., pay attention to all the feelings of the breakup (which included basically being rejected for who you are and how you like to spend your time – not exactly easy to swallow). Process this grief with a friend, mentor or counselor, and finally set yourself to healing from this. Oh, and stop reading her Facebook updates. That’s masochistic behavior, and you need to start treating yourself better.

Dear Stacy:
I’m feeling caught in the middle of an argument between friends, and I need some advice. My friends, let’s call them Ross and Rachel, recently got married. We are all 24 years old, friends from college and former group housemates. They are now off living on their own and not adjusting to marital life too well. Both are complaining about the other to me – fights ranging from who should clean their apartment to how much money they should be saving. Rachel is miserable at her job, all her friends know it, and wants to quit, but Ross is not supportive. I’m really on her side about this, but he keeps talking about it. I feel like I’m being dishonest even listening to his rants about her selfishness. The short question is what advice to give about Rachel’s job since I really think she should quit. The larger question is how do I deal with my friends and their dramas now that they are a married unit?
-Middlegrounded in Northwest

Dear Middlegrounded:
You’re describing a very common, tricky situation as we transition from the Roommate Phase of life into True Adulthood. I completely understand your sympathy for their conflict, but I want to let you off the hook: this is not your problem. It’s a subtle shift, to be sure, but their move from housemates to lifemates necessitates another round of cord cutting. Ross and Rachel chose to leave the group house nest and start a new life together, meaning they cannot rely on the old process of going down the hall to complain about the odd housemate out. They are in their partnership together and need to sort through these issues on their own.

The good news is that you really don’t have to be the one to lay down the law about this new life phase – they will make this realization on their own with time. What you can do is use the so-called “smaller question” about Rachel’s job troubles as an exercise in boundary-setting. You are beginning a new phase in your relationship with them as well, one where you will not want to become the tiebreaker voter – believe me, taking on that role a few times will guarantee that when Couple realizes they are in a two-person marriage, you probably won’t even have a place as a confidant anymore. You aren’t less of a friend just because you don’t process their every move the way you used to – rather, you are evolving along with them. This is about growing up, and it’s not pain-free. Protect your investment: Tell both that you love them and admire their commitment so much that you don’t want to get involved. It’s the best long-term solution here.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed, professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com)

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

There are more people talking about the value and sanctity of marriage than there are actually people standing before one another saying, “I do.” Recent studies that revealed that marriage rates were down in the United States — lower than they’ve ever been, in fact. This has rattled marriage protection groups and fueled the conversation over the definition of marriage and its role in modern society. From same-sex couples who want the protection of marriage to domestic partnerships for widows/widowers who refuse to remarry for economic reasons, marriage is a single-source-topic but nobody is on the same page.

What is most important in a marriage: legal protection, shared benefits, status/recognition or the commitment that comes with marriage? It’s a simple question, one that would suggest a simple answer, but marriage is structured to accommodate people of all kinds and with all reasons for why they want to get married. Some marry for money; others for love or for the love of something. Some marry hoping for everlasting love; others marry knowing it will never last. Whereas people once felt the need to get married in order to have children, many seem perfectly happy raising children as single parents.

Studies show that with or without a ring, healthy long-term relationships produce healthy long-living people. One does have to wonder why the issue of marriage takes on such significance. Perhaps the non-marriage is a backlash to all of the years of witnessing so many unhappily married couples, acceptance of affairs, political and Hollywood influence, etc. Possibly, it’s a good time to rethink if we’ve gone too far in the opposite direction.

The major difficulty with marriage is that it’s hard work. Nobody ever teaches the tools to make it work well. We still have an image that a good marriage should flow effortlessly, but that’s mere fantasy. One of the biggest challenges, especially in our workaholic Washington, D.C., is that our priorities are upside down. Most people give their all at the office and give leftovers at home. Just imagine if we flipped it. Picture it as a strong tree, if your roots are strong, your tree will stand strong. But if your tree is flipped, your branches won’t support you like the roots do!

Ultimately, the backbone of marriage is the bond between you and your partner. It is the love you have for one another and share with one another. There is no legal paper with a stamp on it, no word or term, no social stigma that can affect that bond, and that is something that is created between you and another person, from the efforts of each of you. You cannot allow yourself, your partner or your love to be affected by outside influences including religious debates and Hollywood flings.

The fundamental tools of marriage are communication and the knowledge that sex is more than penetration. Nurture your relationship by keeping your bedroom a romper room (no dirty laundry, medicine bottles, sports equipment), and remember that foreplay begins with “I love you” in the morning. But when it comes down to whether or not to say “I do,” just remember that actions speak louder than words, and a marriage is something you do, not something you say.