Murphy?s Love: Advice on Intimacy and RelationshipsJanuary 29, 2014



**Dear Stacy:
How do you know when you have met ?the
one? person you are meant to be with? I?m
asking because I don?t know what to do next
in my relationship with my girlfriend. We have
been dating for about two years. We don?t live
together ? maybe we should move in? Is that
when you know if the person you are with is
the right one to marry? We have a lot of fun
together, have similar interests and we basically
view the world in the same, general way.
I get along with her family and we have many
friends in common. But my heart doesn?t do
flip-flops when she walks through the door (not
sure if it ever did). I wonder if there might be
someone else more compatible out there, and
if I?m missing my chance to meet her because
I?m already committed to this relationship.
? Wanting ?The One?**

*Dear Wanting,
The honest truth is that for many, many people,
you don?t just ?know.? It?s not that easy ? and
it shouldn?t be, really ? to make the decision
to join two lives together. When a person is
totally caught off guard by a marriage proposal,
that?s an enormous red flag. Two people
in a relationship should be in dialogue about
that relationship, at least at regular intervals.
If not, they find themselves expecting the other
person to be a mind reader, which 99 percent
of the time leads to disappointment and, too
often, the deep resentment that poisons a relationship.
You ask the age-old question about hearts
flip-flopping (if it?s not ?age-old,? at least
that?s a question I hear weekly in my office).
In our rom-com-fantasizing world we have
been conditioned to believe that involuntary
convulsions are an indicator of True Love. But
that?s a myth, similar to the myth that living
together will provide clarity about the marriage
decision. If you don?t think she?s The One,
save yourself a lot of anguish and don?t agree
to buy a bed together. Splitting the assets after
a premature move-in can be just as painful as
a divorce. Sometimes that pain is so frightening
that people stay together anyway. They go
ahead and get married, ending up disappointed
and, yet again, deeply resentful (READ: poisoned).
Your litany of positive comments about
Current Girlfriend gives the impression that
you two are pretty compatible already. So
wondering if Unknown Woman would be
more ?compatible? sounds like a PC line you
are feeding yourself. Don?t compare Current
Girlfriend to Unknown Woman, because
the latter is not real and therefore fits every
requirement imaginable. Take some time to
consider the relationship you?re already invested
in ? and by ?consider? I mean talk to her
about her own needs and expectations. Find a
couples counselor to do the mediating, if necessary.
But navel-gazing is wasting your time.
See if she can handle this kind of discussion
and see if you can handle it as well. That?s a
really good litmus test of whether you?ve found
The One.*

Stacy Notaras Murphy [www.stacymurphyLPC.
com]( is a licensed professional counselor and certified
Imago Relationship therapist practicing in
Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to [](

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