Dear Stacy:
I have a longtime friend from my mid-20s (I’m now in my 30s) and we’ve grown apart somewhat due to different places in life and age. I’ve tried to reach out with invitations for a year, with no real response. Our conversations are perfunctory, at best, and are more acquaintance-like than anything. Although we are now more in the “same place” life-experience-wise (new wives, new moms), my friend doesn’t seem keen on sharing or learning about what I’m up to. Do I just let this friendship go (I’m always the instigator of communication) or ask if I’ve done something that has pushed her away?
– Old Friend
Dear Old Friend:
This sounds really frustrating, but also like a fairly natural occurrence in the cycle of friendships. Sure, Hollywood has given us the fantasy that my preschool best friend should remain an integral part of my life until she moves into an adjoining room at the rest home. But even in the age of Facebook, people do grow out of friendships. If this is what you think is happening here, then maybe you can move the relationship into the “Friendly Acquaintance/Holiday Card” category and move on.
Yet, if you suspect you have done something to warrant the cold shoulder, wouldn’t you really want to know what it is? In the absence of facts, our brains just fill in the blanks on a never-ending cycle of “What if?” How about asking – directly, peppered with love and curiosity?
If she’s actually mad because you did something wrong, you can apologize and get your friend back. If she’s mad because she thinks you did something wrong, and you disagree, you can work on it. If she’s mad because she thinks you did something wrong, and you conclude she’s delusional, then you can save money on the annual postage by moving her to the “Good Old Memory” column. My point is, there are questions on the table.
It often seems so much safer to write a person off without taking on the discomfort and vulnerability of asking the real questions. But when we do, we have the potential to deepen our relationships and to recognize which friendships can tolerate such honesty.
I can imagine you have some ideas about why this wouldn’t work in this particular instance. But do you want to be the person who made assumptions, kept safe and lost a friend – or the one who knew she tried everything she could?
Stacy Notaras Murphy (stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
