Murphy’s Love: Getting Your Feelings – and Frustrations – on the Table

Dear Stacy,

*I am pretty frustrated about my living situation. My roommate’s boyfriend practically lives with us and pays no rent. He sleeps in late, so I have to be quiet when I get up in the morning. He doesn’t contribute to the household utilities and never does any chores – so even when I am doing my half, it feels like he is getting away with something. He’s not my boyfriend. No, he’s not a bad guy, but he’s NOT my boyfriend. I have held my tongue this long, I think, because I imagine that when I have a serious boyfriend, I would like for him to feel welcome in my home as well. But this is too much and I don’t know how to broach the subject with my roommate. We have a good situation, but this is getting more and more difficult every day. I know this isn’t a relationship issue, exactly, but I’m at the end of my rope.*

– Biting my Tongue

Dear Biting:

Ugh, what an uncomfortable situation. You sound like someone who has put up with a lot. It’s time to give some voice to your frustrations.

First, a little educatiwon about frustrations. They are like yeast. If you don’t use them productively – for instance, as a motivator to make changes – those frustrations grow and grow, until they take up all the space in the room. Allowing your frustrations about Roommate’s egregious open-door policy to expand will definitely ruin the “good situation” you have been enjoying. It’s time to get your feelings on the table.

I really appreciate your analysis of your own motivation. It makes sense that if you are eminently cool about Not Your Boyfriend’s presence in your home, it stands to reason that when Future Boyfriend shows up, he will get the same treatment. In therapy, that’s what we call modeling behavior (the rest of the world calls it the Golden Rule).

But let’s follow that thought all the way through to the end. Without some ground rules, wouldn’t Roommate end up feeling like you in that situation? Why not model a healthy way of confronting the issue instead? This actually is a “relationship issue,” one that we can use as a practice swing so you can build up your self-advocacy skills.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*