Dear Stacy,
There is more context to this, but I will say that I have stepped outside of my marriage a few times over many years. I have felt guilty about this, and then recommitted myself to being faithful, but then I find myself attracted to other women. I think this is just who I am. My wife is frustrated with my infidelity (she knows about a recent encounter, but not about the long-term affairs I have had) and wants me to see a therapist, but I am not interested in hearing from another female about how I am to blame for the problems in my marriage. If this is just who I am, and I want to still be married, why can’t we make some kind of agreement?
– Agreeing to Disagree
Dear Disagree:
It seems that you can’t “make some kind of agreement” because Wife is “frustrated” with your infidelity. It’s not the answer you want – I get that – but it’s the reason for the standoff. Wife doesn’t want an open marriage, so you don’t get an open marriage. You get a divorce or you get really good at cheating behind the scenes (it sounds like you’re already good at that, but not quite good enough?). Or we can pick Door Number Three. Can you guess what’s behind it? A male therapist. (They exist. If you don’t believe me, I can send you a list.)
I’m suggesting therapy because I think there’s more to the story than: “I’m a serial cheater, that’s just who I am.” Aren’t you curious about why, if that is your essence, you chose to be married in the first place? Wouldn’t you like some language for explaining (to Wife, to Self) why monogamy feels so challenging? A therapist is there to help you understand more about yourself, not to blame you for being that person.
I suspect that Wife is making you feel bad only because she doesn’t know another way to respond when you give her the ultimatum of “This is me, deal with it,” leaving her feeling that she’s not enough for you. Sound familiar, doesn’t it? Each of you is telling the other to be different, or else. This is a standoff, not a partnership. Trust me, you can find a middle space, but you have to seek it out with Wife, not in spite of her.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
