Dear Stacy: I was recently diagnosed with a highly treatable form of cancer. Up until this diagnosis, my life had been focused on building my career and finding the right person to be with and marry. I have been dating a guy for six months. We are both 28 years old and have dated around a lot, so our decision to be exclusive was big. We don’t live together, but I think that may be around the corner. The short story is that I am terrified this is going to scare him off. I have to have a short course of chemo, and then be cautious for the rest of my life, but my doctors are very optimistic. My concern is that this might feel like too much for him, as his family doesn’t deal with illness well. I’m scared he’s going to run when he learns about my diagnosis. Thank you for your advice.
– The Big C
Dear C: I am so sorry that you are facing this diagnosis, but your letter conveys a strong air of confidence in your doctors and in your prognosis. I have no doubt that you can deliver that same calm when you tell Boyfriend what’s going on. You didn’t ask me if you should tell him at all, but I can imagine you’re considering whether you can hide this whole thing from him. Don’t try. Please. It won’t work and you would only be delaying the inevitable. Couples face hard things. If you marry him, you are going to have to trust him to love you even when you are not at your very best. That test is going to happen regardless of how much you plot against it, so why not welcome it and be curious about how you both will respond?
If you’re thinking, “No way, I want to put this off as long as possible,” then I’d get interested in the roots of your discomfort. Are you not allowed to look vulnerable to other people? Are you, yourself, afraid of sick people? What kind of relationship are you really imagining with him? Are you the kind of girlfriend/wife who sleeps with her makeup on so he never sees you without it? That’s a recipe for a bad partnership (not to mention how bad it is for your skin). Couplehood is healing because it gives us the opportunity to watch someone else love us completely, even the parts we hate — which teaches us to love ourselves. Give him the chance to do that for you, so you can do it for him when it’s his turn.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC. com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
