Thursday, the whole world will be watching the Great Debate in Cleveland! Cleveland: “the mistake by the lake.”
The Republicans picked Cleveland because their convention will be on the shores of Lake Erie next summer. In addition, no state in presidential elections is more important than Ohio. No Republican has won the White House without winning Ohio. And the Democrats know the Buckeye state’s modern political history.
In 1964, Lyndon Johnson won Ohio, but Hubert Humphrey lost it in ’68. Then, George McGovern lost it in ’72, and Jimmy Carter won it in ’76 (but lost it in ’80). Walter Mondale lost it in ’84, and Michael Dukakis lost it in ’88. However, Bill Clinton won it in ’92 and in ’96. Al Gore lost it in 2000, as did John Kerry in ’04 — and then Barack Obama won it in ’08 and ’12. You get the picture.
Now much has been made about who will make the cut and appear on the stage. It has been determined by the powers that be that only 10 candidates will be allowed this lofty honor. Nobody asked me, but I am using this space to provide some unsolicited advice to the GOP aspirants. Call me the debate coach.
First of all, let’s begin with the guy who is getting all the play. That, of course, would be the massive mogul Donald Trump. My first piece of advice: Trump should do a complete make over. (I don’t mean his hair.) Stun the crowd by being soft spoken, humble, gracious, diplomatic, subtle and light-hearted. This behavior modification will so startle the other debaters that they will be rendered speechless.
Next up, Jeb Bush. He is considered too moderate. So, I encourage him to throw out some off-the-wall right wing bromides that will mix things up. Also, say you are seriously considering legally changing your last name.
Scott Walker is thought to be too dumb to be president. I would tell him: say that you will go to night school and get the necessary credits to receive a college degree. Then, proceed to quote noted philosophers, wise men and women in your learned responses.
Mario Rubio should continually refer to how young he is (43) and alternate his answers in perfect Spanish and English.
Ben Carson ought to remind people in the audience that he is, in fact, a medical doctor. He should keep on sprinkling his quotes with the name of the institution with which he has been associated: “Johns Hopkins.” Rand Paul should remind people that he is not his father — and that he, too, is a doctor.
For Ted Cruz, I say: drop that black suit, and lighten up. Smile a few times. Chris Christie, stop growling. Rick Santorum, do not wear the sleeveless sweater and tell people, again, that you won the Iowa caucus and 11 primaries and that your grandfather was a coal miner from Pennsylvania.
Almost last, but surely not least, Rick Perry: lead off by telling everybody the names of three government agencies you forgot four years ago.
John Kasich, run up on the stage and yell, “I am the governor of this state!”
That should do it. No charge.
Mark Plotkin is a political analyst and contributor to the BBC on American politics, contributor to TheHill.com and columnist for The Georgetowner.
