Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships

Dear Stacy:
I recently learned that my daughters have been unhappy with me for a long time. They are in their middle 30s, married with children. I was having a phone conversation with “Emma” in which she got very angry at me for offering advice. Later, she called to apologize, but included information about how she and “Natalie” both are frustrated that I am always telling them what to do. She said she thinks I “can’t help it” and that I don’t even realize what I’m saying. She said it makes her not want to call me and prevents her from sharing things with me. I am heartbroken. I have never thought I was telling them what to do, but just giving the advice that a mother is meant to give. I am writing because I worry that I do this in other relationships and perhaps it has prevented me from making new friends and finding a new partner (I am widowed). Any advice for me?
— Done Mothering?

Dear Mothering,
I am so impressed that you took Emma’s comments to heart, rather than denying your role in this or trying to minimize her feelings. Whether or not their assessment is accurate, there is room here for self-reflection. Let’s take it.

Mothers are crucial figures. It’s hard-wired into our brains that we must be on the lookout for the health and safety of our kids. At the same time, the end goal is to make ourselves obsolete (that is, we want our kids to be able to take care of themselves). The close, connected relationship stuff is icing on the cake. However, many of us don’t realize we’ve entered the icing stage and continue to try to mold and shape our kids well past their need for it. It sounds like you did a great job raising your girls. It may be a frightening existential moment when you recognize that they don’t need you as much as they once did, but it’s a necessary one.

This doesn’t mean they won’t benefit from your guidance and experience. But they must ask you for it. And I mean explicitly, as in: “What do you think, Mom?” When advice is offered prior to a request, it’s an unsolicited critique. Our brains read it as threatening, not useful. Beyond the psychobiological issues, offering advice before being asked undermines Daughter’s sense of self. She thinks: “If Mom is telling me what to do when I wasn’t even asking for help, I must be making mistakes all over the place.” Over time, this erodes any sense of soothing she gets from connecting with you, and — consciously or unconsciously — she will avoid putting herself in the position of feeling so uncomfortable. The good news is that Emma told you about this; she has hope that you will hear it and that you can both make things better. I have that hope as well, but it starts with you going slowly in your conversations with both daughters, asking for feedback and apologizing when you find yourself falling into old patterns.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.