Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships: When the Rug Is Pulled Out

Dear Stacy,

I am a college student and my roommate of two years just told me she is rooming with someone else next year. We never even discussed it when we decided to room together for this year, it was just a given, so I am beyond confused about why she’s leaving. I am really devastated. I hate that I feel so bad about this, but I do. I don’t know why she is moving out, and I know you are going to tell me to talk to her about it, but I really want some help on not feeling so bad about this.

— Spiraling

Dear Spiraling:
It sounds like you are heartbroken by this change in your world and I am so sorry you have to go through this. In all honesty, however, this is just the beginning. Adulthood is full of heartbreak, loss and feelings of rejection. I don’t offer this to say, “So get over it,” but rather to congratulate you on knowing how you feel. For a lot of us, it can take decades to name our feelings. This is a great skill that will help you in the long run.

So now we consider the goal of “not feeling so bad about this.” Is that really the best goal? To not feel hurt when someone pulls the rug out from under you? If that’s what you want, the only answer is to walk around well-armed, expecting the rug to be pulled out at any time. Sound fun — or functional? I hope not. Let’s fine-tune that goal, then. Instead, how about finding a way to get through this difficult experience in a way that feels healthy and true to you.

Yes, talk to Roommate. If you are “spiraling” trying to make sense of her choice, it will be good for you to name that hurt, then find a way for both of you to move forward as friends. It also will be an opportunity to get some feedback about why she’s leaving. Perhaps it’s not about you. Perhaps it is. Maybe there’s something to learn about being a better roommate next time.

The bottom line is that you don’t want to avoid her for the rest of your life (or the rest of college, at least). She made the decision to move out, but you have some control over how things go after that point. You can take care of your disappointed self while healing the relationship, preserving the chance to be friends in the future.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.