Dr. Dorree Lynn • July 26, 2011

Wanna know a secret? Grownups, even some very grownup grownups, are playing…with sex toys! In fact, for couples and singles alike, there is a revolution occurring for people over 50. Adult sex toys, pornography, erotic literature, game playing, and other pleasure products and practices have become much more mainstream than ever before. This is good news for those in good health, as sex toys can add fun and excitement to adult life. And it’s even better news for those in ill health because of new products available to help make sex easier, possible, and more satisfying for those with health challenges—like eyeglasses and hearing aids for the bed.

You’re Never Too Old to Play with Toys. Whatever your situation or age, jazzing up your sex life with sex toys
and perhaps pornography can be a great way to feel vitally alive and sexy for all your years. Single folks
may find that a little help from a manufactured friend can be a welcome addition. And for couples in long-term relationships, some added spice is always nice. While no sex gadget can fix a broken relationship, experimenting with sex toys, erotic books, educational sex films, role playing, and perhaps even working with a sex or relationship therapist can be very helpful for lifting an otherwise good relationship out of a passion slump.

The Joys of Toys As We Age.

While vibrators are the most popular after-50 sex toys, there are many other passion playthings on the market today. Now that we are living longer, it’s the perfect time to incorporate adventure (and convenience) into your sex life. After all these years, we’ve finally arrived at the joys of sex unzipped. Adults of advanced years are grownup enough to enjoy their sex lives to the fullest, and they are going for it in droves.

Researchers attribute the widespread use of adult sex toys to easier availability and a cultural shift away from the bad boy, X-rated sex toy industry. New Internet sites for sex products aimed at mainstream couples now feature images of middle-aged models and realistic sex scenes. Women, as well as men, are buying more sex toys and pleasure products than ever before, which hasn’t gone unnoticed by the adult novelties industry. In fact, several companies now market exclusively to postmenopausal women. In many regions of the country, Tupperware parties have given way to adult toy sales gatherings, almost always attended and led by women. Not only are women buying and using more sex toys, but the sales of erotic novels are up, even in a slumping economy. An entire flourishing industry now markets erotica especially for older women.

Overcoming shyness and shame is part of the way to keep those hormones healthy. If you don’t know where to shop, you might be surprised by what you find in your local Target, Walgreen’s, or department store under body back massagers (Use your imagination.). Even local drug stores and supermarkets now carry vaginal lubricants. Read the label, and make sure to use one that’s water-soluble. This kind of between-the-sheets shopping can be useful as well as fun.

Try some of these toys as surprise stocking stuffers. There are hundreds of thousands of sex toys on the market today. With a little creativity and fun, you can come up with all kinds of ways to spice up your love life just in time for the holiday chill!

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

Yes, you read that correctly! People always say communication is the key to improving your relationship, but clearly, that’s not true. We’re already always communicating. Yelling is communicating, abuse is communicating, the raised eyebrows of countless unsaid criticisms are communicating, unfulfilled sex is communicating, and bickering over who didn’t put the top on the peanut butter jar or why the toothpaste was squeezed the wrong way is communicating. And we can probably agree that little of any of that helps to improve relationships, feel close, or have great sex.

The real key is honest, positive communication that renders your relationship better for both of you, so that you feel more understood, appreciated, connected, bonded, trusting, and/or turned-on. However, honest, positive communication does not always mean being nice. It does mean learning how to be truthful about your own needs without purposely being hurtful, and actively listening to what your partner has to say without getting wounded every time he or she tells you something you would rather not hear.

Truth and authenticity are never easy to achieve–they require a fairly good understanding of yourself and the courage to reveal your inner workings. Everyone wants to feel understood, especially by his or her lover. But since few of us understand ourselves all of the time, how do we learn to help our partners understand us, no less learn how to better understand them? It is a process that requires practice and possibly help. If this were something you could learn in ten easy steps, everyone would be doing it overnight. The truth is that honest, positive communication takes much skill, awareness, effort, and sometimes also the help of a good counselor or therapist; most new learning takes some guidance.

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

It seems like the longer my wife and I are together, the less we make love. I always wanted more sex than she did and that felt bad. But in the last year, my erections aren’t what they used to be, and now she’s the one who wants to make love more and I’m not so sure I can. Is it too late for us?
— Ray, 57

It can be very frustrating when you first realize that “old faithful” (your penis) can’t deliver like it used to. So what are you going to do, just give up on the party now that your wife is finally in the mood?

Many people say that as they have aged, they have evolved new ways of being sexual. Instead of the super-stud, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am sex of their youth, they have experimented with different permutations, positions and possibilities. For most people, the process can become slower, richer, fuller and better than ever. But the learning curve requires us to be more vulnerable and exposed, and that can be scary. Up to this point, most of us were too busy making our lives in the present to think about how to live them in the future. The word “intimacy” may not even have been in our life lexicon. Who had time or inclination? Performance-oriented intercourse, culminating in a predictable orgasm and a quick trip to the bathroom, does not always involve deep intimacy. Talking secrets together, cuddling, touching, caressing, connecting, kissing and allowing yourself to deeply melt into someone else who at the same time is melting into you, is a different experience — a deeper level of intimacy that you can have for the rest of your life, even as your body and health change.

Getting from wherever you are to wherever you want to go will take some effort. But we don’t think it’s drudgery, do you? It’s both an inner exploration and an external execution that involves other people. There’s even opportunity to become more “holistic” and learn about the sexual arts from the East, such as Indian kundalini. In the last decade or so, the ancient Indian art of tantric sex has been quietly slipping into American bedrooms. Rather than the usual foreplay-intercourse-climax, tantric sex teaches lovers how to extend the peak of sexual ecstasy — sometimes for hours — so that both women and men can experience several orgasms in a single sexual encounter.

Dr. Dorree Lynn is a Georgetown-based psychologist and life coach committed to helping people have better relationships fulfilling sex lives. She has appeared on “Good Morning America,” MSNBC, CNN, PBS and other major programming. She is the author of “Sex for Grownups,” available from Amazon.

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

I’ve been married for 32 years and have four grown children. I’ve had sex countless times in my life but I’ve never had an orgasm. What’s wrong with me? — Jane, 57

Some people just never have orgasms and they come to accept that. If you are one of those people, there may be nothing at all wrong with you. On the other hand, there may be something you can do if you want to have an orgasm. If you can climax while masturbating, but not during intercourse, then the issue is learning how to repeat that with your partner. Have you been too shy to talk about it or show him what you enjoy? Satisfying sex with another person, especially with someone you share a long-term commitment with, take communication (verbal and nonverbal), negotiation (sex changes as we change), and most of all, courage! None of us are getting any younger. If this is an experience you want to have, now could be a great time to begin actively pursuing it.

If you have never experienced an orgasm, even by yourself, and want that to change, the key is to masturbate. Choose times when your privacy won’t be interrupted and perhaps experiment with a vibrator or using water pressure in the tub or shower. Be patient and persistent. For added stimulation, maybe try reading some erotic literature or watching pornography geared for women. If unwanted feelings arise, keep a journal nearby to record them. And consider seeking help from a counselor if memories of adult or childhood trauma or abuse are getting in your way. Once you clear what’s blocking you and learn how to wake up your body, that elusive orgasm you seek might well become a regular part of your love life.

If you are on of those who have never been orgasmic, no matter what you do, it may never happen. Sometimes hormones are the reason, or psychological blocks, or a host of other possibilities. So what? You are fine just as you are. Remember sex is more than penetration and certainly more than a few quick muscle contracts at the end. In fact, many who espouse India’s version of tantric sex believe focusing on orgasm as the end goal diminishes the opportunity for total body enjoyment. So whether or not you are orgasmic, enjoy every bodily sensation.

Dr. Dorree Lynn • July 7, 2011

Sex Shop Shy?

I completely understand that some people just can’t bring themselves to visit sex shops. They can at times seem dirty, intimidating and confusing, even though they house some of the greatest resources and tools available for increasing sexual pleasure. Fortunately for all of us there are alternatives to the neighborhood sex-tool-shed.

Art Galleries and Museums
Typically we tend to think we’ve only recently become a mainstream sex-minded society, but take one stroll through some select classic Asian and Indian art exhibits and you’ll find that the real “free sex” revolution happened thousands of years ago. Thanks to talented painters and sculptors we have the opportunity of experiencing their sexual proclivities through the eyes of intelligent art connoisseurs. My all-time favorite is of course the Kama Sutra, the ancient Indian Hindu text that is an artistically illustrated handbook for great, pleasurable sex.

Pet Shops
Do you fancy the idea of a collar and leash for you or your partner? Why spend oodles of money on studded collars and other goodies at the sex shop when you can peruse the aisles of the local pet store? A secret-mission trip through the neighborhood pet store, either alone or with a partner, can be exhilarating and fun! There are tons of toys, restraints, and other goodies and the best part is that nobody will know who you’re really shopping for!

The Internet
Don’t be afraid to use the Internet to search for online sex tips and toys. Naturally, be weary of clicking on ads or pop-ups that might give you a virus (even safe-online sex is important!). If you’re concerned about privacy, most browsers have a “private” or “safe” browsing option that doesn’t save information on your computer. And when it comes to paying by credit card you’ll find convenient pre-paid credit cards on those in-store gift card walls at your local pharmacies and grocery stores.

Do It Yourself
If you want to get creative and do a few things at home, here are some great ideas for those that like to DIY or need a quick idea:
• Cut open an old pillow for some flirty feathers (turn off the ceiling fan first!)
• Skip fruit-flavored lotions and opt for some pureed fresh fruit instead (non-acidic only!)
• Whipped cream never fails (unless your partner is lactose intolerant)
• Ice cubes can make it hot (while keeping it cool)
• Old belts and scarves make great restraints (and whips)
• Even if you can’t wear 4 inch heels anymore, keep a pair for a bed fantasy…they can’t hurt you when you’re lying down!

Dr. Dorree Lynn, PhD, is a psychologist and life coach in Georgetown and author of Sex for Grownups: Dr. Dorree Reveals the Truths, Lies, and Must-Tries for Great Sex After 50. She is AARP’s Media “Sexpert” and has been featured on ABC, MSNBC, CNN, Fox News and VH1. Visit her website: DrDorreeLynn.com.

Dr. Dorree Lynn • June 2, 2011

Last weekend my husband and I were sitting on the beach on the east coast of Florida, when I noticed him staring at a group of gorgeous, bikini-clad women walking along the shore. I’m talking about drop-dead gorgeous bodies. You can imagine his shock, and then my hysteric laughter, when they got close enough for me to realize that they were all in their 70s and were wearing knee-length white t-shirts with hot bodies airbrushed on the front and back.

My point is that growing up should be fun. It should be exciting to get old, if for no other reason than it gives us an opportunity to cut loose with nothing to lose. There’s no reason why we can’t look sexy, even if we’re faking it. We still feel sexy. We still think about sex. We still enjoy having sex! There is no rule that says you have to be old just because you’ve gotten older!

Sex After 50? Does it Really Exist?
The quick answer is “Yes!” Look at it this way: You spent your teen years thinking about sex and then spent the rest of your life having it (or trying to find someone to have it with). Either way, what reason would one ever have to stop having it, or even stop wanting to have it? If most of us are going to live to be 70, 80 or even older, I’d like to think that we wouldn’t have to spend the last twenty or thirty years of our lives not doing the one thing that we’ve spent our entire lives loving.

Slow & Steady Wins the Race!
Let’s face it: we’re not the acrobats we might have once been. And while we’ve all seen the videos of college kids going wild on spring break, don’t forget that we were the generation that started the free sex movement and created some of the more unique sexual positions and techniques. But if, at our age, we tried half of the antics we did 30 years ago, we would have to hope that there was an ambulance nearby and an ER team on alert. Sex at our age is about the intimacy, the connection, the touching and the kissing. Sex should be just as much about the journey as it is about the “destination.”

It really doesn’t matter how you look. It’s all about how you feel, and you’ve still got a younger, sexy spirit somewhere inside you. So c’mon, Granny—and you too, Grampa. It’s time you reconnected with that younger, inner person and get to grooving!

Dr. Dorree Lynn, PhD, is a psychologist and life coach committed to helping people have better relationships & fulfilling sex lives. Dr. Lynn is AARP’s media “sexpert” has appeared on “Good Morning America,” MSNBC, CNN, PBS and is the author of “Sex for Grownups.”
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