In Between the sheets: A Turn-On for Old People

Phyllis Diller sure has an imagination, doesn’t she? “The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.” What was she talking about? Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of visually unattractive people out there in the “over 50” population. But the last time I checked, there are also a lot of visually unattractive people out there in their 20s and 30s, too. And while I would never say it to a mother’s face, not all babies are adorable, either.

We don’t all look like weather vanes with everything pointing south, though sometimes it takes effort to defy normal wear and tear. Personally, I don’t love exercise, but I do yoga and Pilates three times a week and, even at 70, much younger gentleman quite often flirt with me. But even those who admit to outside help work hard at staying in shape. For example, there’s Cher with her slim and fabulous body and Dolly Parton with her breasts riding high as mountain tops and a waist so small you could pick her up by it. And don’t even pretend that Tina Turner didn’t age like a goddess, either!

Fortunately, for us fabulous older women of a certain age, the men out there aren’t all Robert Redford look-alikes. George Clooney is getting closer to my age every day. Richard Gere grew hotter and more handsome every year after “Pretty Woman,” and I don’t care who you are or what you think, but Sean Connery is still a smokin’ hot piece of man.

To a degree, Phyllis Diller is right. And for the sake of the joke, I’ll let it go. After all, it is pretty funny. But let’s be real for a minute: your body won’t ever look as good as it did 10 years ago. Not everyone can be lucky enough not to not bulge, sag or droop in places. And staying super thin doesn’t mean you don’t get knobby elbows and knees and lines that seem to etch overnight. It’s not our age that shows in our bodies. It’s how we treat our bodies that shows our age. Diet and exercise are keys to health and vitality. If you don’t eat right and exercise often, you’re pretty much setting yourself up for a life of turning the lights off to undress.

The final decision-maker for whether or not you’re going to be attracted enough to someone in order to head for a home run is desire, which comes from the brain. The brain, of course, is your biggest sexual organ. It combines all of the sensory stimuli that you receive when you’re in a sexual situation and then decides whether it wants to be “turned on” or “turned off.”

So, effectively, it really doesn’t matter if you’re in your 20s or 120, fat like Albert or slim like Jim, Sloppy Sally or Fancy Nancy, black or white, vegetarian or meat Viking, you are perfect just the way you are. This very minute, there is someone out there looking for you! You can and deserve to get your groove on.

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