Body & Soul

Georgetowner • April 11, 2014

Dear Stacy:

I’m a stay-at-home mother of three whose husband works a very busy, very “important” job. He is never home. We have learned to just accept that he is not part of our day-to-day lives. My husband’s brother lives near us with his family and I am always sad when we make plans to get together and he gets to be there but my husband never seems to be able to pull away from work. We do have a nice lifestyle, but even with the financial resources things don’t feel “easy.” We decided to have a third child despite the fact that things were already pretty strained, mainly because we both come from big families and always thought that was what we wanted. Now I find myself resenting him, and I know you always say that resentment is bad for a relationship. I just don’t know how to talk myself out of these feelings anymore.

– Resentment Building

Dear Resentment,

First, I am hopeful that you get a lot of support from your family and friends about this very difficult situation. But I’m not going to offer the same sounding board that (I hope) they provide you. This is a very common dynamic and I want to offer some insights from your potential future selves – the selves I often see in my office for couples counseling.

Potential Future You is awash in anger. She has no other choice. She has allowed the situation to take over her life and has lost her ability to lay down her defenses and be vulnerable. (CHEAT SHEET: Vulnerability is where we connect to other people. Period.) Potential Future Him is also angry – mostly at himself, but it looks like anger toward you. The regular arguments have eroded the intimacy and now the only way you spend real time together is during battle. When I prescribe regular intimacy interventions (e.g., date night, calendar appointments for sex, intentional dialogues), you each wait for the other one to go first and then nothing happens, building resentment. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

The good news is that you are not yet Potential Future You. Instead, you are you today, recognizing that your marriage is struggling and seeking advice. The first step is to gain some insight into how this situation came about. If your mind just jumped to blaming Husband, that’s okay, but it’s not productive – nor is it entirely true. It’s not solely his fault. You must take responsibility for your role. Are you a person who always ignores her own feelings? Do you hold it all in until your frustrations metabolize into depression or physical ailments? Figure that part out. Then bring your findings to Husband. Be vulnerable. Ask for understanding, first, and then negotiate for change. Get outside guidance if you think you’re ready for it. You can learn to reconnect.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Serafine George • March 13, 2014

Washington offers many beautiful, historic sites for tourists and residents alike, several of which could also serve as the backdrop for wedding ceremonies.

On the National Mall there are three places to say ‘I do’: The Jefferson Memorial west lawn, the George Mason Memorial and the D.C. War Memorial. Though stunning and unique locations, having a wedding here takes a lot of preparation. First, couples must apply for a special use permit at the D.C. parks commission. These permits can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to process and cost $90. At the Jefferson Memorial, a wedding is allotted two hours for set up, the ceremony and the break down. Even less time is allowed at the George Mason Memorial where there is a one hour limit and no setup allowed. If you’re planning on having a professional photographer at any of the locations, you’ll need to file an additional form and pay a $50 fee.

Whether you’re having a wedding for four people or a thousand, Nationals Park could be your venue. The park offers many different sized spaces as well as catering from Levy Restaurants. Food choices range from baseball fare to plated dinners. You don’t have to be a baseball enthusiast to have your wedding here, but if you are, you can have batting practice on the field or an appearance by the mascots to make the day even more special.

The Whitemore House, home to the Women’s National Democratic Club, is a historic mansion in DuPont Circle that welcomes weddings. The house is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and was granted museum status in 2000. The house has nine rooms and an outdoor courtyard for guests to enjoy. The venue provides catering for smaller groups, but outside catering is permitted. Bartenders are provided and all alcohol must be purchased through the house.
The National Building Museum on F Street N.W. is a prestigious venue where guests will be greeted with 75-foot Corinthian columns in the great hall. The space can accommodate up to 1,600 guests. Couples need to hire their own caterers and any other desired vendors.

The Newseum holds events on the seventh and eighth floor which can accommodate multiple events. The museum itself can be booked as well offering views of the Capitol, National Mall and surrounding museums. Weddings are held on the terraces. Food and beverage service is exclusively done by Wolfgang Puck Catering.
Looking for a green wedding that’s a little less in touch with nature? The National Press Club just might be your venue. As part of their green initiative, they are completely powered by wind power. The club is centrally located downtown. Situated on the 13th floor of the National Press Building, the Club offers a variety of rooms and an in-house caterer. [gallery ids="101655,145177,145181" nav="thumbs"]

Georgetowner • February 13, 2014

DEAR STACY:
My wife and I have a pretty great marriage.
We have been together for more than 10 years,
have kids and are each other’s best friend. But
Valentine’s Day always presents a dilemma for
me. She loves Valentine’s Day and I hate it. I
think it’s a manufactured holiday that forces
people to prove something that they already
prove on a daily basis. She loves all the silly
little parts of it (think teddy bears holding satin
hearts). Every time I think about celebrating
this stupid holiday, I get annoyed. I have tried
to explain this to her, but she is a textbook
hopeless romantic and always wants me to
play along. In recent years I have tried to show
her how useless a holiday it is by not really
acknowledging it at all, which of course leads
to a big fight. I’m not actually a jerk, but am I
supposed to fake it with her just to make her
happy? It doesn’t make any sense. We have the
same fight every year.
– Anti-Valentine’s Day

Dear Anti,
Well, you have certainly made yourself
known on this topic. Less than 200 words, and
I have absolutely no doubt how you feel about
Valentine’s Day, which probably means Wife
and Kids also know how you feel. And yet, she
continues to want to celebrate your love each
year, like clockwork. You poor, poor thing.
I actually do mean to be flip, but I will
explain myself. You are very clear about how
you feel about the holiday. Wife has done the
same. Now you are pouting because she doesn’t
agree with you. I’m not sure I don’t agree with
you, actually, but you aren’t getting anywhere
by grousing about it, not to mention the futility
of trying to teach your best friend a lesson by
ignoring her desire to celebrate your relationship.
Couplehood – partnerships of all kind, really
– demands that we spend a lot of time considering
things from the other person’s point of
view and then acting on that knowledge. You
haven’t described Wife’s Valentine’s wants as
being totally bizarre or even unmanageable,
just “annoying” (they sell those teddy bears
just about everywhere). What about focusing
on the positive–your best friend loves it
when you acknowledge her on Valentine’s Day.
That’s a very easy way to make her feel cared
for and loved. The memory of that feeling is the
fuel that gets us through the inevitable rough
patches in a relationship. Consider Valentine’s
Day (and the ubiquitous, cheesy options for
marking it) to be a foolproof, yet highly effective
boost to your relationship energy and just
get her the teddy bear.

Stacy Notaras Murphy www.stacymurphyLPC.
com is a licensed professional counselor and certified
Imago Relationship therapist practicing in
Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Rachel Scola • January 17, 2014

Some of the best days of summer are those spent bumming it at the beach, the lake or the pool. Soak up some rays, maybe enjoy some light reading, and definitely enjoy the nice tousled waves that can come from a day by the water. Unfortunately, the beach-y look comes at a price, and summer can damage hair more than help it. Thankfully, there are experts out there who hear our cries for help and have answers. Here are some products to help keep your hair clean and protected from the elements, and they can all be found nearby.

Bumble & Bumble Surf Foam Wash Shampoo & Conditioner:
It only makes sense that a product with the words “surf foam” would be a good choice for hair cleansing in the summer. This fresh-scented shampoo and conditioner clear out your scalp and hair and leave it feeling soft, but not flat. The cleaning duo also works together to make your hair prepared for other products that help create beach-y hairstyles. An 8.5-ounce bottle of either costs $25 and can be found at either Sephora or Bluemercury.

Tresemmé Climate Control Collection: Tresemmé’s full collection (shampoo, conditioner, spray and mousse) uses Keratin and olive oil to prepare hair for the weather and prevent frizz. Both the finishing spray and mousse hold hair in place while still maintaining smooth and soft locks. Shampoo and conditioner come in 15- and 32-ounce bottles for prices less than $5 online or at Target. Spray and mousse are sold at CVS for around the same price.

Cynthia Sylvia Stout Shampoo: As if some of us needed another reason to be a beer fan, this shampoo is made from organic vegan beer that leaves hair with a shine and lemon scent. Chlorine can leave hair dry and frizzy, and the cognac and lemon juice in this shampoo replenishes the shine and moisture that your hair is missing. Lush has three sizes to choose from, the 3.3 ounces for $10, 8.4 ounce for $20 and 16.9 ounces for $30.

Fair Trade Honey Shampoo: Boasting an ingredient list of almost 50-percent honey and 20-percent linseed, this is perfect for those looking for a natural way to help themselves and the world. The shampoo is preservative free, but the fair trade honey is what helps prevent frizz, locks in moisture, and gives your hair an extra boost of shine. Three sizes ranging from $10 to $30 can be bought at Lush.

Alterna Bamboo UV+Color Protection Masque: Masks are not confined for only the body or face. This organic hair masque not only protects the color in your hair but also against UV rays. The bamboo extract hydrates your hair while the melon extract leaves your locks silky smooth. Find it at Sephora for $26.

Fekkai After-Sun Daily Mask: This is a brand new product for Fekkai, and the only one to promote detangling as a benefit. It also protects from UV rays and color fading and is best used with Fekkai’s Anti-Frizz Cream. Both products are $25 at Blue Mercury.

These aren’t the only products out there, of course. Bumble and Bumble offers an entire line of color protection sprays and washes, and Lush has a jasmine and henna mask to help control fluffy or frizzy hair. Any shampoo with coconut will help hydrate your hair. If you’re looking for summer hair but don’t want to risk the harm on your hair, try Not Your Mother’s Sea Salt Spray (CVS) for texturized waves or Rita Hazen’s Foaming Gloss (Sephora) for enhanced gold tones in any hair color. [gallery ids="101374,153213" nav="thumbs"]

Rachel Scola •

Say hello to garcinia cambogia, a plant indigenous to the southeast of Asia and a proven appetite suppressor and energy producer. Garcinia cambogia has been a popular ingredient in yogurts and soups for several decades in countries like Sri Lanka and India, a fact that excited researchers and proves that this fruit is, so far as we know, not harmful to your health.

One of the premier doctors researching this fruit is Georgetown University’s Dr. Harry Preuss. Preuss started as a hypertension researcher but soon became fascinated with blood sugar and nutrition. In the early 2000s, Georgetown University conducted a study of 90 people in India on the effects of garcinia cambogia on their body weight. The results were astonishing, showing weight loss, decreased BMI and an increase in the body’s ability to burn fat.

The fruit, known as a tamarind, looks like a small green pumpkin and has a sour taste, but its extract holds the secret. It contains a hydroxycitric acid (HCA), which blocks the conversion of carbohydrates into fat and instead forces them to convert directly into energy. Hydroxycitric acid can either be active or inactive. The active form is what brings in the results, but it can easily become inactive if mixed with a fluid to form into a lactone.To prevent this, HCA is converted into a salt—usually calcium, but it can be potassium or magnesium.

So why not just take in a calcium salt? Taking only calcium would require extremely high doses to see minimal results. The best intake would be a supplement with at least 50% HCA in the calcium salt form that includes potassium or magnesium. Dr. Preuss also suggests taking a supplement that includes chromium, a mineral that helps to digest food but, when part of an eating regimen, would help lead to fat loss without muscle loss. Supplements can be beneficial, but Preuss wants to remind users that people want to make money and will sometimes put false products on the market. In general, always double check ingredients and dosages, and talking to a doctor before trying anything is always a good idea.

The study in India tested a brand called Super Citrimax through InterHealth Nutraceuticals, which is 60% HCA and contains both potassium and chromium. While this particular brand cannot be found in our local CVS, it can be ordered online and is reasonably priced (between $10 and $20). A dosage would entail 1.5 grams (two capsules three times a day) of the calcium salt taken on an empty stomach at least 30 minutes before eating.

Dr. Preuss stresses that these are aids in weight loss. Your metabolic rate will naturally lower when you suppress your appetite and Preuss suggest a green tea or coffee extract to increase metabolism again so that your body doesn’t plateau. “It’s a program,” he says. “Be reasonable about it. It won’t work in two or three days.”

So garcinia cambogia isn’t exactly the miracle fat burner that we might be waiting for, but it is definitely one of the biggest advancements in weight loss in the past several years. Like most things, it works best when balanced with exercise and healthy eating, but in the words of Dr. Preuss, “If you don’t comply, don’t complain.” And be sure to stick to the correct dosages for the best results. [gallery ids="101351,152339" nav="thumbs"]

Georgetowner • January 6, 2014

Dear Stacy:
I am a 20-something woman living in D.C. with a great job, good friends and a nice place to live. I really love my life and wouldn’t change a thing about it. But as this month has approached, I have realized that I am really anxious about the holidays because I do not have anyone to bring as a date on New Year’s Eve. I made a resolution last year that I would be with a long-term boyfriend and that did not happen in 2013. Every time I think about the holidays, I see myself getting sad and worried and I know it’s all because of that idea of seeing myself at the party without a boyfriend. I know this sounds stupid, but it’s what is really happening and I don’t know what to do to make it better.
– Alone for the Holiday

Dear Holiday,
Ah, the dreaded New Year’s Resolution Regret. We’ve all been there, but many of us forget about last January’s failure, particularly as the next New Year approaches and we are suddenly convinced that this time will be different! I’m really sorry you are feeling this way and that our culture has conspired to create an event that seems to celebrate only the coupled, while also providing a handy shame-distribution exercise (aka the New Year’s resolution). The good news is that you already know that you have many positive things in your life. Rather than let our anxiety about what’s not happening ruin our holidays, we need to help our brains focus on the good and take gentle care of ourselves. The latter point is the most important – which leads me to my most specific, directive piece of advice:
Don’t go to the party.

The excellent, thoughtful brain that has allowed you to accept all the wonderful assets you named (job/friends/housing), that brain is telling you, well in advance, that it’s a bad idea to attend a New Year’s party where you know you will feel bad about yourself. So don’t go. That very important reason you just thought of? The one that makes it impossible for you not to go to the party? It’s not real. You don’t have to go. Seriously.

This doesn’t mean you have to pretend it’s just a regular Tuesday and head to bed early. Just please find a different way of celebrating. It sounds like an invitation to a party has made you dread the holidays and left your self-esteem in shambles. That’s a lot of power you are giving up. Take it back. You can do this by choosing to travel on Dec. 31, or gathering your single friends together for a wine tasting, or visiting a nursing home that night – the possibilities are endless. But the concept is the same. Focusing on what you don’t have will not make you feel better. Taking good care of yourself (your heart/mind/spirit) is the best thing you can do to launch a new year in your incredible life.

Stacy Notaras Murphy www.stacymurphyLPC.com is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • December 5, 2013

Dear Stacy:
There are a lot of great things in my life. I enjoy my work, and I have a great relationship with my husband. Our kids are young and keep us really busy, but we seem to be able to strike a work-life balance with some regularity. With so much going for me right now, I find myself really frustrated at the way I react to good news from friends. When they are struggling, I am the first one there with encouragement and assistance (babysitting, casseroles). I am great at swooping in to save the day. But when I hear about their latest achievements, I immediately feel jealous and resentful! Even when it’s something I would never want for myself, I jump right to feeling mad about their successes. I don’t know why I do that? I can usually talk myself out of those feelings, but I really wish I never had them in the first place. I am afraid that this means that underneath that I am just a bad person.
– Secret Bad Person

Dear Secret,
From where I am sitting, this actually isn’t a secret at all. You are admitting that you are actually a real live human being, and not a robot stuck on the “Cheery Disposition” setting. What you are describing is very common and truly not an indicator of a “bad person.” But you do raise an interesting existential question: What makes a good person?

The real answers on this may be found somewhere other than an advice column (I’m thinking a clergyperson or a family member might have more insights into your particular cultural history and experience). But since we’re talking about this, let’s remember that you have a pattern of doing really nice things for others. And even amid this tendency, you can label your family’s work/life balance as basically strong. These facts suggest that your outward actions reflect an inward sense of altruism and generosity – not “bad” characteristics at all.

What I would be curious about is why you are more comfortable helping others when they are down, as compared to helping them celebrate their successes. You acknowledge that this isn’t about wanting what your friends have, so it might be more about just wanting to be the winner. Were you a highly competitive kid? Did your family value you more when you were successful? This is a great opportunity – while Kids are still young – to get clear about the [subconscious] formula you [subconsciously] believe will bring you the most love from and connection with others. It’s important to know that code – whether you choose to recalculate it or leave it be – so that you can make conscious choices with Husband and Kids.

Stacy Notaras Murphy [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](HTTP://WWW.STACYMURPHYLPC.COM) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • November 21, 2013

DEAR STACY:
My live-in boyfriend of two years and I have been having trouble for about six months. We argue a lot and say mean things to each other. At the root of this is the fact that we have very different ideas about what a good relationship is supposed to look like. My friends keep telling me to get counseling, but I worry that doing that means this relationship is definitely doomed. As you can see, I’m a pretty black-and-white thinker, and I don’t really want to spend the time and energy to have a professional confirm what I already know. Isn’t counseling for really messed up couples? If we need counseling before we even get engaged, doesn’t that mean this is the wrong relationship for me?
– Communication Crossroads

DEAR CROSSROADS,
This myth about counseling being only appropriate for “really messed up couples” absolutely needs to be discredited.
Listen to me: those couples are just like you, and started out right where you are – wondering if their problems really warranted the time and energy that it takes to work through. Many just ignored the piling frustrations until they poisoned the entire system with the deep resentment that makes counseling harder and exponentially less effective. Being in a relationship is hard work for everyone. It just is. That’s the truth. Stop tricking yourself into believing that your friends’ relationships are perfectly attuned, and that they will never have any disappointments because they have found exactly the right person and have made all the right decisions. They haven’t. There are many ways to approach the natural frustrations that occur when two people try to build a relationship/home/family together. Yes, some people (READ: a tiny fraction) are effortlessly able to communicate their needs, but most of us need help or else we learn to adapt in unhealthy ways – isolating, acting out, using passive aggression, etc. Another choice is taking the time to learn about Boyfriend’s unique communication needs, and to teach him about your own. A therapist knows how to do this and can get you there faster.

Let’s do a quick experiment. Let’s assume that you actually need counseling, but are unwilling to try it because you think it means the relationship is doomed. Isn’t the relationship doomed then anyway? Why not try something that actually could help? Let me appeal to your all-or-nothing thinking: there are more than a few of us who make a living helping couples work through these issues, it has to have a positive outcome for some or else we wouldn’t stay in business, right? Put down your defenses and try something that could help. Otherwise my advice is to just move out today, because a person who is unwilling to work on things now isn’t going to know how to show up for the relationship later. That’s not a muscle that we magically grow, it’s one that needs regular strength training so it’s ready when the lifting gets really heavy.

Stacy Notaras Murphy www.stacymurphyLPC.com is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.