Body & Soul

Georgetowner • April 24, 2013

**DEAR STACY:**
*Both my husband?s family and my own live in different states than we do. My family comes to visit us quite a few times throughout the year, which is wonderful. My husband?s family never comes to visit us. It seems to bother me more than him! I find it hard to believe his parents, especially his mother who has no other kids, never come and visit us. If not for us, then for our two small children, who barely know their own grandparents. I can?t fathom that they won?tcomeseeus?Iwouldbesohurtifmy family treated us that way! There?s no finan- cial or physical reason for them not to travel, and they?re very warm and friendly if we go see them. There?s no sort of family animosity. Should I be so bothered by the fact that they won?t make time for my husband or his family? Should I encourage my husband to confront them about it?
??Feeling Exiled*

**DEAR EXILED,**
I totally get this.
I know how hard it is to live far from family and feeling like we may only to see them (and, let?s be honest, enjoy their on-site support when raising kids) when we make the fairly compli- cated effort to export our family unit to theirs. Knowing the clich? that grandkids supposedly are catnip for grandparents, it is surprising that these grandparents don?t travel to see their own, especially since you know of no financial or physical reason preventing them from making the trip.
But the truth is, we just don?t have enough data. We don?t know why they won?t travel ? in fact, we don?t actually know that they won?t, just that they haven?t, so far. When we don?t have the facts, human brains tend to make up their own stories and then those stories take on a life of their own (e.g. They think we have a dirty house; they don?t like the food we prepare; they just don?t like us).
Unless I?m missing something, this prob- ably doesn?t need to be a confrontation at all ? although I?m sure it might feel like a charged topic on your end because you just haven?t been talking about it openly for so long. Help Husband take a deep breath and then launch a calm Q&A with Grandma or Grandpa about whether they?d like to come visit ?this sum- mer,? followed by the kind sentiment of, ?We?d really love to see you.? If they deflect or make an excuse, there is nothing wrong with asking about it. The end result you want is that they feel like they can be close to you ? that usually starts when people feel safe and comfortable communicating on that deeper level. Good luck!

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC. com) is a licensed professional counselor and cer- tified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertain- ment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).*

Georgetowner • April 10, 2013

**DEAR STACY:**
*My wife and I are expecting our second child this summer. I work full time (usually a 12-hour day) and she works from home part- time and also takes care of our five-year-old daughter. This arrangement has worked pretty well so far, but I?m starting to realize that I never have any downtime. I take our daughter to school every morning and as soon as I walk through the door at night, my wife hands her off to me and basically disappears. I realize that she has a lot on her plate and I don?t pretend I have more to deal with than she does, balancing her job requirements and dealing with school volunteer and so on. At the same time, I haven?t had a moment to myself in the last six months ? not to work out, not to meet up with friends, nothing. Even on the weekends, I am always in charge of our daughter because my wife uses that time to catch up on work that?s piled up from the week, or we are having ? family time? with all of us together. It?s very hard to talk about this without her getting defensive, and I know how whiny I sound, but I?m really scared about what it?s going to look like when we bring home a new baby.
?Drowning Already*

**DEAR DROWNING,**
I?m never completely sure, but I do think I can hear the strain in your written voice, as you work very hard not to sound like a stereotypical Pouty Guy who just wants his alone time. Let me assure you at the outset, you are not in the wrong here. Not even one little bit.
This situation is horribly unbalanced and that?s only going to get worse when New Baby shows up. Wife probably does need that time with the door closed each night. She sounds completely overwhelmed. That can?t mean you take up all the slack every single day. You both need to carve out some time for exercise (physical, emotional, and spiritual), not to mention finding some time to spend together.
I can imagine that her defensiveness has been a good reason to avoid this topic. But please recognize that dodging an important conversation like this only breeds resentment, a.k.a. the most corrosive relationship-killing bacteria around. We all get defensive when we feel we?re being attacked. So keep things calm with a little validation of her position. Follow up with ?I-Statements? like ?I am feeling overwhelmed,? and ?I am hopeful there is a way for both of us to get to feel more rested and fulfilled.? You can always call a professional to help guide this conversation, but holding it inside is not doing you (or Wife or Daughter or New Baby) any favors.?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC. com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • March 28, 2013

Dear Stacy:

I think I said something wrong and now my friend?s therapist is mad at me. Long story short, my friend is trying to get pregnant and has had her second IVF failure. I have three kids and we are trying for No. 4. Over lunch the other week I tried to explain that I completely understand her longing for that first baby, because I feel the same way in my longing for this one. Looking back, I think she kind of shut down the conversation at that point. Well, fast-forward to this week when I confront her about not returning my calls and texts, she tells me she is ?setting a boundary? because her therapist said she should. I don?t get this at all. Why would her therapist try to cut her off from her support system? What can I do to get back into her good graces?
?Wants to Fix It

Dear Fix It,
Give me a second while I get my gaping mouth to close.

Dear, dear, dear one. Her therapist is not ?mad? at you ? or at least, that?s not why she told Friend to set a boundary. The therapist may have advised Friend to set boundaries so that she is not triggered by people who suffer from tone deafness ? and my dear, that?s you.

I can imagine that you were completely genuine in your suggestion that one person wishing for a first child has much in common with another person wishing for a fourth. In fact, I am sure you meant it in the very best way possible, as a way of bonding the two of you together in this life experience, but you aren?t on the same page ? not by a longshot. Let?s both imagine Friend?s deep grief and utter shock that a mother-of-three might liken her circumstances to one actively struggling to become a mother-of-any. I do not mean to minimize your pain (not even in the slightest), this is just an apples to oranges situation ? strike that ? it?s an apples to a single, solitary orange situation.

Let?s shift this for a moment and focus on the very normal, yet often misguided way we humans often try to crowd into another person?s experience as a way of building intimacy. Sometimes, that backfires and people get deeply, devastatingly hurt. You can be a good friend without assuming you are both riding the same emotional roller coaster (in case I didn?t make my point before ? you are on two totally different roller coasters). My advice is simple ? learn from this misstep. Apologize from a safe distance on the other side of the boundary she has set (READ: via a phone call or voicemail), and then continue to respect the boundary. You can be a gentle, loving presence on the other side while you wait for her.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • March 12, 2013

*Dear Stacy:*
*I am really worried about my younger sister. She seems to move from relationship to relationship (more specifically, from guy to guy), with no end in sight. She once told me that she thought settling down like our parents would be a ?death sentence.? But now, she?s about to turn 30. All of her friends are getting married and she says it?s getting lonely and that she?s depressed. But yet she takes no real steps toward being partnered in any way. What can I do to convince her that finding a partner is not like serving time in jail? I?m worried she?ll never have the joy of finding somebody to live with and build a life with.*

*?Worried Big Sis*

**Dear Big Sis,**
**I have great/excellent/amazing/inspiring news for you. This is not your problem. The fact is, I?m not entirely sure it?s a problem at all, but regardless, you?re totally off the hook on this one. Take this advice for what it is: a clinical professional begging you to get off her back.**

**Please be realistic here. If all of her friends are choosing to get married, it?s likely that Little Sis truly comprehends that there is some value in following suit. Her statements about jail sentences are a defense and, frankly, some of us need our defenses when all of our friends are suddenly partnered and we?re left feeling like we?ve done something wrong.**

**I do trust that your worry comes from a good place ? the best place ? I honestly do. But please tread lightly here. No matter how much empathy and goodwill you have in your heart, it?s very hard to make unsolicited advice not come across as anything other than criticism. If she?s directly asking for advice, and saying she is lonely and depressed, then help her. This could mean helping her think through her relationships, helping her feel better about herself, or helping her find someone else to talk to ? in no way does this mean that you ?convince? her of anything. Taking that route will only make her feel like you don?t understand her (even though that actually may be true), which is going to make her feel even lonelier than she felt before.**

***Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).***

Georgetowner • February 27, 2013

**DEAR STACY:**
*My life is a mess. My job, my relationship with my boyfriend, the house I try to keep up with while raising a soon-to-be teenager ? it?s all one big mess, and I don?t know where to begin to get things back on track. I?m sure I could use couples counseling to make a decision about how to move forward with my boyfriend. It would be great to get some career guidance as well (I have a very good job, but it?s boring and frustrating most days). But honestly, any?of those activities would take me out of the unbelievable mess my house has become. We moved two years ago and I still am living out of boxes. I would just end up feeling guilty about not using my time to finally get organized. For example, this is what happens when I go to the gym: I feel guilty about being there and leave halfway through, only to feel worse about myself once I get home and have no energy to clean. I just need some ideas about where to start.
-Under the Mess*
**DEAR UNDER:**
Let?s begin with what you are doing right. It sounds like you have a fairly non-stressful job and a long term relationship with Boyfriend. No part of your question addresses the complexities of single-parenting Preteen Child, so I?m going to trust that things are going pretty well there, too. If none of those situations are in immediate crisis, I?d say you have a lot going for you.?
See what I just did? I prioritized the three most important relationships in your life and pointed out that you are doing a lot of things right already. That is prioritizing. When we get overwhelmed with the mess and can?t even allow ourselves a complete workout at the gym (you have a gym membership already ? more points for you!), that suggests that our prioritizing skills need some work. The good news is that you already have the insight about what needs help, now focus on the momentum-building.?
There is one, simple, comforting, sure-fireway to launch you out of paralysis and into that magical momentum: outsourcing. Seriously. Finding the right people to help you get moving is taking charge. You don?t have to do this alone. Hire a house organizer to get a handle on those boxes (I recommend Lynne Mishele at CreativelyOrganize.com). Head to a weekend relationship seminar to help you and Boyfriend start that marriage conversation (check out the programs section at ImagoCenterDC.com). Book some time with a career counselor who can help narrow down your job wish list (call me, I?m happy to help you find someone nearby). Again, you do not have to do this alone.
My strongest advice is to start with the home organization. While your living space may not feel like the most important issue at hand, change in that area will have a huge impact by alleviating the stress you are putting on yourself every time you think about how deficient you are in this area. You will have a streamlined, organized space from which to make all those other choices.?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • February 13, 2013

**DEAR STACY,**
*I will be getting married this summer and have been having the hardest time planning the wedding. I won?t admit this to my family, but I think I?m really the ?problem.? Nothing is coming together the way I had dreamed it would. I don?t love our venue, but I can?t find a better place to have the reception. I don?t love the flowers, but we cannot afford anything nicer. I basically hate my dress ? it?s uncomfortable and too shiny, and we?ve already bought it so I have no choice. I?m just being a whiny, teary, angry mess all the time. What can you do when your dreams are not possible and you have no control?
?Bride-to-be*

**DEAR BRIDE,**
This sounds horrible and terribly sad. I?m not talking about the situation, mind you, but the mood of your message. You are making a decision to fuse your life with another person?s ? forever. Anxiety and worries about venues and nice flowers are all reasonable, but shouldn?t there be some excitement that supersedes those concerns?
I can?t offer tips for stretching your wedding dollars, and I won?t try to convince you that every bride looks gorgeous, no matter how shiny her dress is. I will ask if you remember the person you are marrying? That guy? Why not focus on him for a moment? I know it can be hard to turn off the images of the wedding industrial complex, but in reality, the big day is about joining two lives, not creating the best representation of your childhood fantasy wedding. When we take time to get grounded in our purpose ? a.k.a. building a new life with another person ? the other stuff looks better or, better yet, stops mattering so much.

You already know that there is something not right about your reactivity here, so give yourself room to get to the bottom of it. (Prepare yourself for my standard pitch for premarital counseling here.) What about scheduling a few appointments with an experienced couples counselor? Even if there aren?t any specific disagreements to tackle, dedicating some time to deepening your connection will help you refocus whenever worries about flowers and cakes start to bubble over. You also can start tonight, by sharing your anxieties with Fianc?, not to solve them, but to consider ways to set them aside together.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphyLPC.com) and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling.*

Georgetowner • January 30, 2013

*Dear Stacy:
I?ve been single for about 10 months following a breakup with the guy I dated throughout college and a year after (almost 5 years). After some time on my own ? including some casual dating ? I?m looking to begin a new relation- ship. I have no idea where to start. I met my old boyfriend at freshman orientation and never had to go through the process of meeting someone in a bar or at work or however you?re supposed to do it. I don?t want a hookup. I want a relationship that can turn into something more. So core values and family compatibility are a must. Oh, and I should mention that I have a very demanding job and not a ton of free time. Where?s the right place to meet the right guy?
-ISO Real Relationship Material*

Dear ISO,
First, congratulations on naming what you want! That can be a big obstacle for many young people who may be afraid to say that they do want the ?relationship material? rather than the casual stuff. I wish I could just refer you to the Real Relationship Material Shoppe (in Georgetown, naturally), but they?re closed for renovations, indefinitely. So let?s do some brainstorming.?A big part of this can be letting your friends and family know that you are looking for love ? networking is a useful tool. Also, consider branching out of your regular routine ? sorry about the lack of free time, but potential partners may not be visible if you are hiding in your cubicle. Take part in activities you like (seriously, only ones that you like, not the ones you think New Boyfriend might like), ones that allow you to be your best self. Of course you can widen your options with online dating, a matchmaker, or speed dating ? but in all those circumstances the advice remains the same: be yourself.

Finally, I want to dispel the myth that there is a ?right? place to ?find love.? Sadly, there is no exact location where this most precious of items is always in stock. You can ensure that you are in your own ?right place? by being open to the possibilities and welcoming of whatever form they may take (He may not look/act/work the way your fantasies have foretold ? get used to the unexpected). We do the most important work on ourselves, meaning that when the right paths cross, our eyes are open to see who?s right in front of us.

* Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your con- fidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Casey obrien • December 14, 2012

The holidays are looming closer, with the promise of holiday parties, alcohol and copious amounts of food. Here comes the phenomenon known as “The Holiday Seven,” or the average seven pounds one gains over the holidays.

The Happiness-Project.com suggests figuring out if you’re a moderator or abstainer. Moderators have an occasional indulgence, which keeps them satisfied with themselves. An abstainer decides which foods are off-limits beforehand, as they may have trouble stopping once they’ve started.

So, before you go to the party and eat two handfuls of chocolate covered pretzels, it’s helpful to come up with a game plan. Start by deciding before you go which foods you will stay away from, and how many sweets you will have. By deciding to stay away from the stuffed mushrooms, and allowing yourself a maximum of two cookies, you will be ahead of the game, and have a better chance of not indulging.

When hosting parties or dinners, use smaller plates, so when you fill up your plate, you’ll have less food. While serving the food, dish out the food in the kitchen, and only bring serving platters of vegetables and salad to the table. Try to put everything you want to eat on your plate in the beginning so that you don’t get too much by grabbing seconds. Eat a bit slower so that you can tell more quickly when you’re feeling full, rather than eating at high speeds and feeling much too full.

The holidays don’t just bring food, but also stress, and stress causes us to eat. Another way to control our eating habits throughout the holiday season is to control our stress levels as much as possible. Besides the obvious cure of working out – we all know it works, even if we might not like the act of going to the gym – avoiding the main shopping centers and their crowds will alleviate some stress. Instead, buy gifts online, or if you have to go out, don’t go during a peak time, like when the stores first open.

Just by changing a few things, you can make sure the only holiday seven you gain are presents.