Body & Soul

Georgetowner • December 5, 2012

DEAR STACY,

*My family needs some help navigating the holidays. We are a newly blended family. I have two kids from a previous marriage, and my new husband has two kids from his. All the kids are teenagers and we both have full custody. We are making plans for our holiday gatherings this year, and I am frustrated with my husband?s complete unwillingness to shift his ?traditions? and create a new plan at our home with his new family. They always travel with extended family on Christmas, but I thought that with a new family come new plans ? at least plans as a ?family.? Am I wrong? Whenever I bring this up, I get the speech about accom- modating the kids? wishes and being patient until they are out of the house. I think they all should want to spend time with the rest of us ? we should be creating new traditions, together.*

*– All I Want for Christmas Is My Family*

DEAR ALL I WANT,

You have left out a few key details. For instance, how long, and to what extent, have your families blended prior to your marriage? More importantly, why you aren?t planning to travel with him and his kids? As such, I can?t be sure if you are meeting his ?complete unwillingness? with some stubbornness of your own, but let?s break this down.

Right now, you are combining households and assuming a completely new set of traditions will follow. This might have been possible if you were the parents of four kids under age 5, but you are the parents of four teenagers. Four teens with their own experiences and individual senses of displace- ment due to the new formation of your family. While all the storybooks would suggest that with just enough baking, deco- rating and general Christmas spirit, you might achieve the perfect holiday, the truth is that your goal should simply be enjoyable connection (at best) and overall survival (at worst).

This is not the time to assert yourself as the new matriarch. This is the time to be thoughtful with Husband, New Kids and with yourself. As long as you are communicating your feel- ings before/during/after, rest assured that this year?s schedule is not going to be the standard by which all future holidays are planned. Your attitude about being flexible, however, will be something they will remember. See how this goes and then have a gentle debriefing in January.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to Stacy@ Georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • November 28, 2012

DEAR STACY,

*My friend is getting married in the spring. He and his fianc?e asked me to do a reading at the wedding and I was happy to say yes. But in the meantime, she and I have had a few dis- agreements about politics and religion. Nothing earth shattering, but we do come at these things from different sides. It?s been highlighted at a few gatherings lately. Regardless of whether my friend agrees with my take on things (but, he does), her reaction to my views has been sur- prising. She has gotten angry and then pouted, ruining the evening for everyone else. Now my buddy tells me she doesn?t want me to do the reading anymore, because we ? fundamentally disagree? about faith. It?s their wedding, and I am happy to do (or not do) whatever they want, but I think this whole incident is highlighting something very wrong about their relationship. She is controlling and manipulative, and forces him to take sides against his closest friends. This doesn?t bode well for a long-term commit- ment, right? I?d like it if a friend of mine helped me avoid this kind of mistake. What do I do?*

*-Worried about my friend*

DEAR WORRIED:

I?ve said it before, but we outsiders really have no idea of what is actually going on inside another couple?s relationship. Thinking that we do is a real mind trap, so proceed with caution. (Notice me totally sidestepping the issue of mix- ing politics and religion at social gatherings…)

There is such a fine line between want- ing to help and sounding like you are trashing someone. If you do want to make your concerns known, be careful to read the situation and keep yourself out of the details. What I mean is, if Buddy actually is experiencing Fianc?e?s behav- ior as manipulative, but is not quite at the place where he can articulate it, you might become just the scapegoat his unconscious mind may be looking for. Here are some dos and don?ts if you decide to pursue the conversation:

-Do sit down with Buddy and gently tell him you are supportive of him, but concerned about Fianc?e?s attitude when faced with an opposing opinion.

-Don?t attack Fianc?e?s character in any way.

-Do pay close attention to Buddy?s reaction to your concern.

-Don?t push it.

-Do accept the verdict that you are not doing a reading at the wedding.

-Don?t bring it up again.

-Do remind him that you are there for him, whatever happens.

-Don?t mistake your role in all this ? you are his friend, but that does not mean you get a vote on this relationship.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacy- murphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertain- ment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • November 14, 2012

**DEAR STACY,**

*I would like to comment on a recent column about an underemployed husband (Murphy?s Love, Oct. 3, 2012). I like your suggestion to the wife of the underemployed husband about how she can constructively represent his situation to those who ask about his job search. However, I believe that he was mischaracterized as some- one going through denial. Instead, he feels embarrassed because others may judge him by his employment status. That certainly will happen if he lives in the Washington, D.C., region.*

*Also, if he tells others that he is employed in a sales job, others will forever label him as a salesman without considering that it is an interim job for him. (While shopping or ordering coffee, people often forget that the people behind the counter may have goals outside of their current employment.) As do all people, the underemployed spouse wants to be understood, but he knows that most communication, including what job-search experts call ?networking,? does not promote understanding.*

*As someone who has a master?s degree and has been unemployed or underemployed for most of the last ten years, I speak from experience. For what it?s worth, I am single and 47-years-old. I haven?t any further advice for the wife because your advice is exactly what she and her husband need and because she seems to otherwise be enduring the situation very well.*

*?Sympathetic Underemployed Man*

**DEAR SYMPATHETIC:**

Thanks for the feedback. I definitely hear your argument, particularly with pop culture?s more recent interpretation of ?denial? as a derogatory term (e.g. ?it ain?t just a river in Egypt?). As part of a larger grief process, however, the denial stage is simply the period when we experience or re-experience the shock of a loss and find ourselves trying to return to the reality we had before things changed. This when we say ?Everything?s ok!? even when it?s not. It?s a coping strategy that is in no way a personal failing. My perspective was that if Underemployed Husband was in denial about his change in circumstance, it?s just a part of a natural grief process.

Your point about him feeling embarrassed and worrying about being labeled makes a lot of sense ? particularly, as you said, in our fair city, which while wonderful in many ways, has a ten- dency to be somewhat unfair in terms of status and judgment. I agree, embarrassment is quite different from denial, and I can imagine that if Underemployed Husband is, indeed, embarrassed, being told that he?s just going through a ?grief phase? would feel discouraging, at best, or humiliating, at worst. There?s no room for the latter in a healthy coupling. Thank you for the reminder.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Stacy Notaras Murphy • November 6, 2012

DEAR STACY:

My boyfriend of four years just moved into
my apartment in February. This is a big step for
us – we’re both 27 – and we took a lot of time
making this decision. Now I am finding myself
expecting an engagement ring at any moment,
even though he hasn’t mentioned anything about
getting engaged. I realize that when we decided
to move in together, part of me assumed this
was a precursor to getting married, although we
haven’t talked about it that way. In fact, thinking
back to many of our past conversations, it
seemed that my boyfriend was making the point
that moving in specifically was not a precursor
to marriage (e.g.: “This will just make things
more convenient for us,” and “It makes sense
financially” and “Let’s make sure our parents
don’t get the wrong idea and specifically explain
that we are not engaged…”) So I basically lied
to him by agreeing with his take on the situation
and have been lying to myself ever since. On top
of it all, I keep smashing through my desserts in
the hope of finding a ring at the bottom. Then,
I’m disappointed and kind of mean to him for the
rest of the night. What should I do

-Dessert Disaster

DEAR DESSERT:
First, please try not to be so hard on yourself.
You recognize that you are making your
Boyfriend pay for something he didn’t necessarily
order – that takes a lot of self awareness. You
didn’t lie to him. You entered into the agreement
with your conscious brain saying, “Sure, this
makes sense!” But when your unconscious brain
begins to revolt, it’s not a case of having been
dishonest with Boyfriend, you just were not as
conscious as you might want to be. I’d imagine
you were simply following his lead because the
idea of conflict around this is very frightening to
you. Let’s talk about that.

Many people in relationships are afraid to
ask for what they specifically want. We start
from the standpoint: “I’m not going to get it
anyway.. So, why put myself in a position of
being vulnerable?” But that is what love is, at
its best. Love is about being yourself, claiming
your feelings and making yourself available to
another person. If Boyfriend’s quotes are to be
believed, it sounds like you are partnering up
with someone just as scared of being vulnerable
and honest as you are. I have no idea if your true
wants are the same, but it appears that neither of
you are putting them out there. No wonder it’s
so confusing.

I’d recommend a sincere conversation. As
usual, focus on your own feelings, try not to
point fingers, and remain as calm as possible
so that his defenses do not prevent him from
hearing your message. What’s the message? “It
appears that I want more from this relationship,
and I’d like to know your honest, careful and
specific thoughts about whether that’s something
you want to provide.” Leave it at that. This
doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing negotiation,
just an all-cards-on-the-table conversation.

DEAR STACY:

My wife doesn’t want to have sex as much
as I want. We have discussed this; we even went
to therapy. Nothing has changed. I am thinking
about maybe having an affair. It would be nothing
emotional, because I still love my wife. My
needs just aren’t being met and she has pushed
me to this. I am worrying about the possible
guilt, however. I wish I could just explain the
situation to her and perhaps she would agree
that I can find someone for sex only? We have
two kids in high school. So, I don’t want to do
anything that puts our family at risk.

–Lonely and Looking

DEAR LONELY:

Thanks for writing in about what I know is
a tough, although common, topic. I hope you
notice that I am responding to “Lonely” and not
“Looking.” I can hear that you are lonely, but I
don’t think “Looking” is who you really want to
be. Let me explain.

People get married for many reasons, but
just sex is never one of them. Especially not for
a father of two who readily admits he still loves
his wife and has tried couples therapy. No, that
person is maybe, possibly and perhaps looking
outside his marriage because he is depressed
and wanting to feel connected to someone,
namely, his wife. I’m sure you already know that
the root of her low sexual desire could be physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. Meanwhile,
you didn’t give numbers. So, we also cannot
rule out that you actually might have an elevated
sex drive with roots that are also physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. In other words, this
is a very subjective subject.

At the end of the day, your wants do not
match up with those of Wife, the one person to
whom you have committed yourself for many
years, created a home with and raised a family.
Wow. That does feel lonely and depressing, and
fantasizing about some new options makes a
lot of sense. But let’s brainstorm for other ideas
(see a doctor together; negotiate a schedule that
meets you both halfway; see a certified sex
therapist) that don’t, as you say, put your family
“at risk.” Because an affair will put your family
at risk. No doubt. Guaranteed.

Trust me, an “unemotional” affair won’t
work out the way you are imagining it could.
Otherwise, you would already have an open
marriage and wouldn’t be asking my opinion.
Even if Wife heard you, understood you and told
you all was well, this decision will change the
way she views you. It also will change the way
she views your family, and – most insidious and
damaging – change the way she sees herself.
That’s a very long road to repair. Do this the
right way. Go back to therapy; go back to talking
about it. Don’t turn this into something that
she’s “pushed” you to do. Make these decisions
together.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional
counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist
practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.
com, and you can follow her on twitter @
StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com. [gallery ids="102463,120867" nav="thumbs"]

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

DEAR STACY,

My husband was laid off from his job last year and spent eight months looking for some- thing in his old profession (consulting). He finally took a job in sales over the summer, but is now making 30 percent less with this new job and is spending a lot more time at work. We knew all of this before he decided to take the job, and we both said we would live with these challenges, because he really needed to do something.

I’m not writing for advice about how to deal with this life change. It’s a major change, and we’re dealing with it. What I need is advice about how to approach this with our friends and family. My husband has not even allowed me to tell my parents he found a new job. He hasn’t told his own family yet, and we aren’t talking about it with friends or people at our child’s school, all of whom knew he was laid off, have been kind and have asked how things have been going. He tells me that this job is just a “place- holder,” and he doesn’t want people to think that he has changed careers. Someone gave him the advice that it might prevent people from think- ing of him when it comes to jobs in his preferred field. Whether or not I think that’s valid advice (sorry, I really don’t), it’s making it very difficult when people ask me what’s going on. He doesn’t seem to understand that I get that question a lot more often than he does, and that just changing the subject doesn’t work every time.
–Nothing to Say

Dear Nothing to Say,

First, I am very sorry that your family is dealing with this incredibly difficult situation. You are specifically asking for help with managing the outside view of this experience, and that part really sounds like a public relations night- mare. You are the involuntary spokesperson for this organization (aka your family), and as in most corporate crises, your partner (Husband) is too frazzled to really understand the role you’re playing. So I’d advise you to get out of that job. First, though, a little perspective on what Husband might actually be going through.
To me, this sounds like a grief stage – denial. I know we have covered this topic in this space before, but Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous five stages of grief (denial, anger, bar- gaining, depression and acceptance) often don’t occur in a manner that is at all linear or time- limited. It is likely that your husband went back to mourning his previous job upon making the decision to take his new position. No matter how upfront and honest you both were about the results of taking a job that requires more time to pay less money, that decision still has its emo- tional shockwaves. Asking you, demanding you to play the PR role with your friends and family is likely part of his denial process.

The good news is that his denial is a process. The bad news is that his denial is his process, so we can’t just talk him out of it or convince him of some new way of looking at it. What we can do is give you some language for excusing yourself from mouthpiece duty.

When those well-meaning folks ask you about his job search, you do not have to lie. Simply follow his script. Say he’s found a place- holder, but that he’s still interested in finding something in XYZ consulting. Then shift the conversation by asking if the person has any leads. You never know, that person just may be waiting for you to ask.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed profes- sional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on Twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Charlene Louis •

Like most of you, bikini season has once again snuck up on me, left me unprepared to be bare, and having me find creative methods to cover up. But could there be a solution to my woes? DC DermDocs may have come to my rescue by offering body sculpting treatments that are non-invasive, requires no recovery time and gives the confidence needed to sport my favorite two-piece.

Body sculpting has taken cosmetic surgery by storm. More and more people are seeking the various options available to achieve the body effects that they desire. DermDocs of DC is leading
the way in body sculpting cosmetic surgery by offering two of the newest methods to rid inches and fat. Just in time for swimsuit season.

Exilis is the newest technological marvel , approved by the Food and Drug Adminstration that offers the capability of dual function radiofrequency energy (radiowaves) in the same handpiece for the first time to the United States. The Exilis method can deliver the maximum thermal energy to the desired depth of subcutaneous fat while monitoring skin temperature and increase collagen to retighten skin. Exilis then breaks up fat cells, which is then drained through the lymphatic system and liver. With a total of only four 30-minute treatments and the ability to target multiple areas of the body, a patient can expect result in six to eight weeks. So say goodbye to stubborn saddle bags and belly pooches without going under the knife or injections.

Don’t have six weeks to get bikini ready? There is another
option.

One of the newest and soon-to-be most popular method for body sculpting is called liposonix. Liposonix is known throughout the medical world as being the one-treatment, one-hour, one-size, smaller body contouring method. With this new treatment method, Marilyn Berzin, M.D., and Dale Isaacson, M.D., can customize a treatment plan to treat those pesky pitches of fat. Liposonix will be available at DC DermDocs starting June 15 and will be the first in the Washington area to offer the treatment. This treatment method is made for those who don’t have time for multiple appointments and want a uniformed removal of fat cells.

How it works:

High-intensity ultrasound energy focuses on
the targeted fat, permanently destroying fat cells
beneath the surface layers of the skin (at least
one inch of depth).

A continuous lesion is created in the targeted
fat, and the skin layer is not harmed.

So, where does it go?

The treated fat tissue is removed through
the body’s natural healing and elimination process,
leaving you with a thinner, more contoured
waistline. This can take about eight to 12 weeks
for the body to remove all treated fat tissue.

Though the Liposonix treatment is a little
more intense than the Exilis method, there is still
no need for topical anesthetic. It is recommended
to drink fluids after the procedure and watch
your waistline shrink.

If you are interested in losing the cover up and having the confidence to sport your Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, visit DermDocs at dcdermdocs.com for more information.

DC DermDocs

1828 L. St., N.W.

Suite 850

Washington, D.C. 20036

202-822-9591 [gallery ids="100854,126799,126786,126795" nav="thumbs"]

Charlene Louis •

It goes by many names. Cottage cheese, orange peel, hail damage. But whatever you call it, cellulite has been a scourge for bikini and swimsuit wearers for years. Unfortunately, when women pile on the winter pounds, it tends to sit stubbornly on our hips, bottom and thighs … Just in time for summer. Since cellulite is a structural problem—the “cheese effect” only worsens as the pounds are added on. With age, hormones and genetics, the connective tissue that bands under the skin begins to stiffen and the fat cells they surround to become larger and push up into the skin. This creates the “cottage cheese” effect you that many of us wish we could eliminate.

But there is good news. The Food and Drug Administration recently approved a one-time treatment method called Cellulaze that helps diminish the look of cellulite. Using a very small cannula (a narrow tube that is roughly the size of a pen tip), the Cellulaze™ laser is inserted directly under the skin and a controlled laser is used to treat the affected area. The laser diminishes the lumpy pockets of fat, releases the areas of skin depression and increases the elasticity and thickness of the skin. Because the cannula is so small, Cellulaze™ is a minimally invasive procedure that can be performed under local anesthesia.

Wondering what the catch is? There are few locations within the District at offer the treatment (which will surely change in the next few months) and depending on the size being treated, the cost of the one-time only treatment can range from $5,000-7,000. In general, people do pay upwards of $10,000 for cosmetic work and other forms of surgery, but this amount may be seem like pocket change to those seeking more confidence in shorts and bathing suits.

For those looking for just a bit more confidence and not willing shed the skin pucker or the money for such a treatment, there are some at home remedies that can help reduce the appearance and provide you with the confidence to ask “Who wears short shorts?”

Steer from Salty and Sugary Snacks
In most cases, cellulite is simply part of the genes you were born with, but you can reduce their appearance with a healthy diet. This includes avoiding excessive sugar, which gets stored in fat cells and causes them to expand and try limiting your salt intake. Sodium causes fluid retention, meanwhile, which makes cellulite appear even worse.

There’s a Rub
Massages actually help reduce the appearance of cellulite. Because cellulite is comprised of fibrous connective bands between the skin and fat, the fat is pulled to the surface, causing the pocketed effect on skin. Pressure on the skin can help loosen the bands, stimulate circulation and drain excess fluids.

Drink and Be Merry
We’ve all been told to drink at least eight 8-ounce glasses of water per day. Not many of us are walking around with liter bottles, but by increasing our water intake, we allow our bodies to flush out the toxins hidden between the fat layers which help reduce the appearence of cellulite. When we consume more water our skin appears healthy and plump … which is much better than any lump.

A Lovin’ Spoonful of Flaxseeds
By adding flaxseeds to meals and salads, you can help the appearance of your cellulite. Flaxseed boosts collagen growth, the main component of connective tissue in our skin. By strengthening this, it reduces the appearance of cellulite. Just sprinkle a couple of tablespoons daily on oatmeal, cereal and yogurt to help prevent cellulite.

Georgetowner • November 1, 2012

DEAR STACY,

I am a fit, healthy, 29-year-old woman and I hate dating in DC. It seems like in any other city, I would be considered desirable, but here I?m completely ignored. Guys my own age are only interested in one-night stands. Older men are only interested in women who are younger than I am. The bar scene is the worst, and the judgments are so fast and based on nothing realistic (I actually have seen women padding their bras in the bathrooms ? are we in 8th grade?). The few real dates I?ve been on since the spring (when I ended a long-term relation- ship) have been less about the guy getting to know me, and more about him getting to know whether I would go home with him later that night (answer: no). I have heard that there are real men who like real women in the Midwest. I cannot believe I?m actually thinking about moving for the possibility that I will find love.

?About Done with D.C.

DEAR ABOUT DONE:

You?re right, DC is a tough dating market. Men and women alike have made similar com- plaints in my office, each with their own inter- pretations: men aren?t interested in real women, women in DC won?t date men who aren?t rich, men are superficial and sex-driven, women are
superficial and change the rules too much, and on and on. While I can?t advise you against finding a good Midwestern boy (I?d be a hypo- crite if I said that), I will say that you may not have to pack up your things and head to Indiana just yet.

The bar scene can be a tough place to meet that special someone. First, we need to do a thorough inventory of your approach and, ahem, require that you stay out of the bars if you truly are looking for love (Looking for a fun girls night? Bars are ok). Regard dating as you might consider a job search in a tough economy. Monster.com and the Sunday employment section can only get you so far. Network with your girlfriends, coworkers, volunteer mates (you should be volunteering, btw). Let everyone know you are open to meet- ing a Good Guy, but don?t make that your entire pitch. You want to meet a Good Guy who will {fill in with some specific, fun activity} with you. In other words, you want to create a picture of the life you want, and make sure that those around you have that image as well. That way, when they come across someone who might fit into that scenario, they already have the idea that you could be the right match. ?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacy- murphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertain- ment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*