Dear Stacy:
My husband is very critical of me and our kids. He has very high standards about how we are supposed to look and act in public because he has a high-profile job. I understand that his rules are more to manage his own anxieties, but it is very hard to live up to them. I am particularly concerned about our kids, who are about to be teenagers. They love their dad so much, but can be very hurt by his criticisms. What can I do to help them through this? I know you are going to say that I need to work with him to stop the behavior, but I just think this is who he is. My hope it to help preserve his relationship with his kids.
– Happy Family
Dear Happy:
You’re right, I would have started with a suggestion to get thee to a couples therapist ASAP. But I hear you. Eliminating the root behavior may feel like too much at this point. And I agree, your kids must be your priority — but not necessarily to help Husband preserve his relationship with them. That’s his problem. You need to focus on your children because they need someone to put their needs first (Hint: That person is YOU).
Your kids are looking at you and Husband for validation of the people they’re growing into being. If Husband abuses his position, managing his own anxieties by criticizing his children, that’s going to have a deeper impact than just ruining his relationship with them. The scary part is how much his negativity could affect their own, internal view of themselves. Speaking as someone who untangles those webs for a living, I can tell you that it’s no joke. Speaking as someone with little kids at home, I also can tell you that it’s a massive responsibility (and I fail, just like you do).
All parents need to remember that our kids are little, overworked videographers. Their brains are taking in a stream of life’s dos and don’ts on a 24-hour basis. Parents are the stars of this show — at least for a little while — and we are modeling what relationships “should” look like. Kids replicate what they see. We can feel overwhelmed by this. Or we can see it as an opportunity to perform to the best of our ability and then, when we inevitably fall short, to model how to apologize and make amends. Husband may not be aware of his role of a lifetime, but you are, and your part is all the more vital because your partner isn’t following the script. Make the most of your lines while the kids are still paying attention.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
