Is your husband hard to shop for? Are you tired of seeing his sad puppy eyes after he eagerly tears into your holiday gift wrapping only to find another ho-hum cadeau? Well, fret no more! Here’s your power guide to making hubby’s Christmas gift-opening thrilling once again.
To keep that marriage blissful, why not spice things up a little? And nothing says “I will always be attracted to the man I married” like adorning your sexy bikini wear with a glossy photo of his sensuous clean-shaven or bearded visage from YourPhotoSocks.com. “Perfect for tropical Hawaii vacations, summer holidays, beach, pool, spa and swimsuit parties,” this romantic, customized I-Luv-U message will not only be molded to your own voluptuous curves, but will let all the world know to keep their hands off your man. Featured in polyester/elastic fabric, the Custom Face Swimsuit’s hi-tech design provides “great softness and comfort,” using “an advance heat sublimation technique” which allows your husband’s image to “not fade in water.” Sizes range from XS to 5XL. Price: $29.95.
On the subject of spices, is your man fed up with feeling emasculated when he hand-grinds pepper at the family table using a puny pepper shaker? Empower him once again with “The Pepperphile’s Peppermill” from Hammacher Schlemmer. This 3-foot tall pepper mill will “satisfy even the most voracious appetite for pungent piperine,” boasts the catalog. “The mill holds over 2-lbs of peppercorns and towers over table centerpieces or double magnums of wine, conveying the peppercorn’s dominance over all other spices in your pantry.” Price: $279.95.
You’ve been hearing him talk a lot about “crypto” lately, right? So, why not get him a topical news shirt – as part of a husband/wife pair – that lets the world know you’re both up-to-date on the latest blockchain chitchat. For only $22.66, you can purchase these matching Sam Bankman-Fried, FTX vs. Binance – 2022 Crypto Bear Market T-Shirts from Redbubble.com. To commemorate Bankman-Fried’s misuse of investors’ funds “which caused a liquidity crunch,” these cotton/polyester t-shirts are “perfect for everyone who was affected and/or remembers FTX Crypto Exchange becoming insolvent” in 2022. While under the Christmas tree, adorn yourselves with the shirts to keep your liquidity crunch memories alive!
Now, it’s time for a little honest lifestyle-changing. We all know a “Man Cave” is what your husband truly desires. And, truth-be-told, you’re tired of seeing the manchild lounging so capaciously and slovenly on that living room Lazy Boy. So, launch him on his journey! From BetterWorldBooks, you can order a used copy of British gentleman Dominic Bliss’s “Man Caves: Create the Ultimate Male Sanctuary to Get Away from It All,” listed in “clean, average condition without any missing pages.” Bliss touts his volume so, “Man Caves will help you create a sanctuary in your own home to enjoy your hobbies. In need of a spot where you can escape another Sunday afternoon Frozen sing-along with the kids and watch the big game instead?” This master volume with simple-to-comprehend cover provides 25 “amazing-themed Man Caves,” with sample layouts as well as new Man Cave hobby ideas, including cigar humidors and home-brewing kits. Price: $4.75.
Have you thought about trading in that old beer-stained Lazy Boy for a truly stylish lounge chair for his Man Cave? Soon your husband will be watching football in comfort. Is it time to consider something from world-renowned architect Frank Gehry? From Hivemodern, you can order the maple-wood “Gehry Power Play Lounge Chair,” designed in 1992 by the iconic Gehry. “Inspired by the apple crates he had played on as a child, Pritzker Prize-winning architect Frank Gehry created the ribbon-like design” of the chair with “interwoven maple strips.” Be sure to let your man know the chair coveted Time Magazine’s 1992 Best Design award for Gehry. Price: $11,723.00 plus free shipping.
Once the Man Cave’s underway, your man’s going to want handy yet macho tools for his new space that aren’t too big and cluttering. At only half-an-inch wide (.5”), this Black and Decker “Proto Combination Wrench” from Neobits is not only super-portable and easy-to-store, but can be useful for all your man’s micro-wrenching needs. With a black oxide finish, it’s “easy to use” and sure to make your husband’s friends jealous. Price: $1,469.96.
What could be more serene to smoke while perched on the Frank Gehry than the world’s most expensive cigar? At just $1 million a box, you can acquire Royal Courtesan Cigars from Gurkha Cigars. These rare Himalayan tobacco cigars – moisturized only in Fiji water – are individually wrapped in gold leaf with a diamond-embellished band totaling up to 5 karats. According to Nestor Gilbert of FinancesOnline, a “messenger wearing spotless white gloves will hand deliver this opulent cigar” right to your home. Each hand-rolled cigar is also “enfused with delectable Remy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII which sells for $165,000 per bottle.” Master artisans are assigned to handroll the cigars “blindfolded to heighten their senses.” Just wait until your husband tears open the gift-wrapping on this one!
Let’s be honest. Despite receiving the phallic pepper mill, the matching Sam Bankman-Frieds, the Man Caves book by an Englishman, the Frank Gehry Power Play Lounge Chair, the select micro-wrench and the Royal Courtesans, we know your man’s going to want to escape on Christmas Day to play some golf. So, what could be more delightful for him as he transports his crew of buddies around the links than “The Golf Cart Hovercraft”? (also from the esteemed Hammacher Schlemmer.) “This is the golf cart that glides over sand traps and water hazards on a cushion of air as easily as it does over fairways and the rough,” touts the unique cart’s blurb. “Powered by a 65-hp twin-cylinder Hirth engine, its nine-blade axial-flow ducted fan propels the craft up to 45 mph and 9 inches off the ground without harming grass…” And if he hits the ball into the water, don’t worry, the craft’s hull “meets U.S. Coast Guard standards for reliable hovering over water.” Price: $58,000.
And you’ll be walking on water when the gift-giving is complete.