Murphy’s Love: Engagement Pressure
• November 6, 2014

Dear Stacy:
My girlfriend and I have been dating since college and living together for a few years. She wants to get married. I think she’s feeling pressure from friends who are getting engaged and starting families. I don’t necessarily not want to get married, I’m just not feeling the need to do it right now. She is trying not to pressure me, but it worries her (she wants to have kids, she is worried about her age) and that affects our relationship. Should I just do it even if I’m not ready?

–No Rush

Dear No Rush:

I really love your choice of words here, as I think you know I’m not about to say anyone should go ahead and get married, even if they’re “not ready.” But a realistic follow-up question from me would have to be, do you know why you’re not ready now? Is this something you’re working on in any way, shape or form? Or are you just sitting on the sidelines, watching Girlfriend serve her time as a bridesmaid and baby-shower hostess, and waiting for her anxiety to launch her off into the stratosphere so you don’t have to ask yourself any hard questions?

This is a very tricky situation for Girlfriend. She has spent (what sounds like) years in a relationship with you, reaching the (seemingly universal) stage where friends far and wide start making the big commitments to one another – moving in, getting engaged, having kids. She knows that she wants more than cohabitation, and she’s told you that. Now she has to walk the narrow line of waiting for you to make up your mind, while also not appearing anxious or needy in any way. But shouldn’t this kind of major life decision invite some kind of anxiety? Aren’t the big choices the kind that require conversation and communication? Why is this just your decision to make?

Yes, you say she wants to get married, and I am going to amend that sentence to say she knows she wants to get married to you. It’s your turn to decide if you want to get married to her. Do it soon. If you have a reason that is preventing your decision-making – one that is not about her and outside of her control, like a family history of divorce, or a fear of the Chicken Dance – get thee to a therapist and figure it out. If the reason is about her then, also, do not delay. Put your cards on the table because you are not helping her get what she wants if you know what you don’t want and you don’t tell her about it. That’s not fair. You say her worrying impacts your relationship – the answer isn’t for you to rush into something you don’t really want. The answer is for you to really do some self-exploration and figure out what you do want.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Murphy’s: Stop Texting Your Ex
• October 23, 2014

Dear Stacy:
I can’t stop texting my ex. I know I need to stop, but I have a lot of questions about how things ended and I am not getting the answers I need (or maybe that I want to hear). I have tried to stop many times, even asked my ex to block my number, but I still keep going back to it. I know it’s making it harder to get over the relationship.
-Texting Mess

Dear Texting:
First, you are not alone. This is actually a topic that comes up a lot in my office. I am impressed that you are the one asking for help to make this stop rather than shifting the focus onto how Ex has wronged you and using that as justification for your actions. You can get better but it may not be easy.

This is harassment and it could have legal repercussions. I checked in with local attorney Regina DeMeo and she explains that while it could be difficult for Ex to obtain a restraining order based on compulsive texting alone, you need to tread lightly here. “Any legal action involving an adult is part of the public record, and when companies or credit bureaus do background checks on people, orders entered against someone can harm their chances of employment and damage credit scores,” she says. “If you have a Protective Order entered against you, it can jeopardize your security clearance and your right to own a gun. In addition, it can definitely impact a person’s right in child custody cases.”

Beyond the legal issues, I am concerned about your emotional wellbeing. It sounds like your efforts to understand the breakup have taken up the space that the relationship used to fill. In other words, rather than get over Ex you have just renegotiated a new kind of coupling based on compulsive texting. Compulsive behavior – in whatever form – is hard on the body and mind. True, yours may be rooted in the pursuit of answers to a legitimate question but this has morphed into something else. When we act compulsively it is because we are seeking a release for anxiety. But if the compulsion is also injurious (e.g. it robs us of our self-respect or puts us at risk of legal action) it becomes part of a continuous loop of self-harm.

For you, I recommend more self care, and absolutely no more preventable self-harm. But it is up to you to decide whether or not it’s time to change things. The good news is that you have help on this path. This isn’t just about willpower – a losing bet on its own – it’s about building new skills and trying new routines. Block Ex’s number from your phone today and then buy a book about compulsive behavior or look into finding a therapist who can help you map this new territory.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Murphy’s Love
• October 13, 2014

 

-Dear Stacy:
I am a successful, attractive D.C. woman about to turn 38 and will be celebrating with (drumroll, please) YET ANOTHER BREAKUP! This time I really thought the relationship was a go, but he turned out to be exactly like every other guy I’ve dated over the years, and I’m finally noticing the pattern. Things always start off well — the connection is strong, the sex is fantastic, we make big plans for the future. Then, after four months, six months, or a year, things change and he just isn’t there for me anymore. He starts “forgetting” plans we’ve made, not including me in activities, changing the rules. I’m not good at confrontation, so I seem to just let the distance grow while frantically trying to bring us back closer together. Eventually, he just ends it with the “It’s not you, it’s me” spiel. What can I do moving forward besides giving up entirely?
— Done With Men on Dumbarton

Dear Done With Men:
Wisdom comes with age, and it sounds like congratulations are in order for identifying a pattern in your past relationships! That’s really the first step in making a change: figuring out what we’ve done before that just isn’t working.

You have described the classic relationship trajectory. We all start off in the romantic stage, with its popping hormones, long-term fantasizing and believing we’ve found a kindred spirit who knows us inside out without even having to finish a sentence. That’s nature’s trick for getting us into a relationship. Soon, however, our brain chemistry changes, and we enter the power struggle phase. It sounds like this is the part that trips you up, and you’re not alone. You say you don’t like confrontation, so you allow the walls between you and your would-be soulmate to build thicker and thicker. You may be using unconscious tools to try to drag him back into deep connection — tools like passive aggression, controlling behavior, pouting, etc. Meanwhile, he also may be using his own tools to maintain his safe distance: isolating himself, forgetting your plans together, acting like it’s not his problem. The result is the classic push-and-pull scenario, until the loving bonds break under the stress. The power struggle is survived only through awareness and communication. When you both understand what you need to feel safe in relationship, then you both are able to start giving back to it.

Getting clear about your own expectations can really help you move toward a more conscious dating experience. What are your top 10 wants in a boyfriend? Do your past relationships reflect those desires? If they don’t, maybe your unconscious self is searching out a different kind of person. Taking the time to figure out what that part of you is looking for and why may result in a better match next time.

Dear Stacy:
My wife and I have been happily married for 10 years. We had our second baby two months ago, and now my wife doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. She makes it very difficult for us to be physical — bringing our infant into the bedroom, always telling me how tired she is, breaking down and crying whenever I try to talk with her about our sex life. She used to be a runner and returned to her exercise routine immediately after our first son was born, but this time she has no motivation. She has stopped taking care of her appearance: she has gained weight, rarely wears makeup, still dresses in her maternity clothes, zones out in front of the TV. I’ve tried talking with her about it, but it usually ends in a fight after which she retreats from me and our kids, putting even more of the household burdens on me. I’m wondering if having kids was a huge mistake and if this means my marriage is permanently damaged.
— In Reserve on Reservoir

Dear Reservoir:
I can hear the earnestness in your words and can imagine you are anxious for a solution. But I also hear something else in your letter that may not be so obvious to someone sitting right inside your relationship — it sounds as if your wife may be severely depressed.

If every mom who wasn’t interested in sex so soon after giving birth was diagnosed with depression, antidepressants would be included in every box of diapers. In other words, a lagging sexual drive at eight weeks post-pregnancy is not unusual. But your wife’s disinterest compounds some of the other symptoms you named. Postpartum depression (PPD) afflicts approximately 10 percent of new mothers — that means it’s likely at least one mom in your playgroup suffers from it, or will during their childbearing years. The marked contrast between your wife’s first and second pregnancies sounds like a red flag — as is the lack of interest in her appearance, tendency to break down when confronted and gaping at the television.

The good news is that PPD is highly treatable with therapy and medication. Helping your wife find support, while letting her know you will be patient as she heals, is the very best option. At the same time, supporting someone dealing with depression can be difficult. Finding your own resources — confiding in a friend, counseling, or hiring a babysitter so you can have some time off — is also a valuable gift to you both.

Dear Stacy:
My mother-in-law has always been overbearing and too into my business. She asks blunt questions at inappropriate times (e.g. She inquired, “How exactly are you going to lose weight before the wedding?” AT OUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY!). We have had some good times over the years, and I hoped we had grown closer now that we’ve given her her first grandchild. But my son is three and going through normal developmental steps, she continues to question my judgment about parenting, particularly asking blunt questions about whether he might have autism (he is not autistic in any way) or if he’s inherited my family’s “bigger boned” genes. I want to tell her off, but I know that wouldn’t be productive in the long run. Still, I think my frustration with her is obvious to everyone, including my son, and I don’t want him to develop animosity toward her either.
— Put-out on P Street

Dear Put-Out:
The irritating mother-in-law may be a tired cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason — it comes up a lot!

Your frustration sounds entirely legitimate, and recognizing that your simmering bitterness might rub off on Junior shows even more self-awareness on your part. So let’s channel that effort into realizing that the fantasy that having a baby might magically change the person she is was just that, a fantasy, and she’s not doing anything new or different from the way she’s acted all the years you’ve known her son. That said, it is your job to protect your family from negative influences.

You haven’t mentioned your dear husband’s opinion on all of this, which suggests one of two things. Either he has no opinion because you haven’t shared your frustration with him, or he has chosen to ignore you both on this topic. Feeling like we aren’t alone in our struggles can be a major part of rising above insecurity. If you take the time to calmly, safely, carefully talk with him about your concerns, I imagine he might have some helpful advice for moving forward — whether that means enduring her negativity together, making a family decision to avoid her entirely, or sharing tips for how to get her to hear your side.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago relationship therapist practicing at the Imago Center of DC in Georgetown. This column should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Please send your relationship questions to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Murphy’s Love: More Is Not Always Merrier
• July 22, 2014

*Dear Stacy:*

*My husband and I have been trying for baby #3 for about a year. We had quick pregnancies before, but I’m older now, and I think that’s having an impact on our results. My husband seems to shrug off each negative test, and is enthusiastic about trying again, but I can’t let it go. It’s more than just being disappointed in the moment. I feel defeated and defective, but secretly, I think I might be a little relieved. I recently realized I’m not that interested in trying again. I don’t know how to tell him that I’m done with this. I think a family of four is just fine, but I know he has his heart set on this. What can I do?*

*–Four is Fine*

Dear Four:

You are right – four is fine. What’s not fine is feeling bad about yourself as you recognize that you really might be ok with your family of four. Keeping all of this from Husband is about as un-fine as you can get. Short answer: tell him ASAP. Read further for the long answer.

Consider this: there is a chance that his happy-faced enthusiasm is a cover for his own complicated feelings about the circumstances. Meanwhile, there also is a chance that you will become pregnant before you even read this response – and you might continue to feel this ambivalence throughout your pregnancy. The central relationship issue is not whether you have another baby – though the babymaking process invites a unique form of tunnel vision – it’s whether you and Husband can talk about your feelings honestly.

For many, the getting pregnant process has become similar to the getting married process – the wedding date has become interchangeable with the nine months of (so-called) blissful pregnancy. But coming home after a honeymoon trip is very similar to coming home with the baby: many people focus on the getting there rather than looking at the firm foundation needed to support a family at home. And that’s not entirely hard to understand. If we all knew how hard partnering or parenting really is, we might not ever give ourselves the chance to experience it. You and Husband have weathered these storms already – you are married with children – this is a strong indication of your bond and your co-parenting skills. At best, more conversation will clarify your confused feelings and deepen your relationship – both of those are central tasks before any decisions about baby #3 ought to be made.

*[Stacy Notaras Murphy](www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*

Murphy’s Love: Her Therapy or Our Therapy?
• July 2, 2014

*Dear Stacy:*

*My wife reads your column, so I am hoping you and I can work together to convince her that she needs some help. She is a stay-at-home mother to our three kids, and she’s fabulous at the job. To make it possible for her to stay at home, I work long hours in a competitive field. We met when I was in law school. She has always known what kind of career I wanted, and for the most part has always been very supportive of my work.*

*In recent months, she has been very needy. She calls me at work and gets upset when I can’t make room in my schedule to talk to her. I think she is overwhelmed by the demands of her position and it is causing her to be depressed. I think she needs therapy and I am happy to pay for it. She refuses, saying she thinks the problem is our relationship. She is insisting we go to couples therapy, but I know that won’t help her. I want her to feel better and have the support I know she will get with her own counselor. Please put better words to my request. I am completely supportive of her and only want her to feel better. She needs help to do that.*

*- Wanting the Best for Her*

Dear Wanting,

I need to start by saying I do not doubt your good intentions here. Not even a little bit. But you are doing this all wrong. No one ever got better when her spouse responded to her loneliness by saying, “Go get yourself some help, I’m buying.” She has asked you to join her in couples therapy – what do you have to lose? If you bristle when thinking about that question, then it seems you actually might benefit from that kind of work.

With the exception of serious mental health disorders, my experience has been that a couple’s relationship is actually the best space for healing. If Dear Wife leaves your dyad, and finds a gentle and caring counselor to walk with her through whatever she’s experiencing, at the end of the day you are not the one witnessing or inspiring that healing. This will put more distance between you. And if you fall into the category of Ambitious-Law-School-Trained-Competitive-Field-Dweller that you describe, I’m guessing that more distance is the last thing your marriage needs.

Work with her to find a couples counselor with a schedule that fits both of your calendars. Leave the rest of the work to that person. If s/he thinks Dear Wife will benefit from individual treatment, trust that s/he will say so. In the interim, consider how much you might learn and how much you both could benefit. If you really want the best, that’s the gold standard.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Murphy’s Love: Dear Disappointed
• May 9, 2014

*Dear Stacy:*

I am struggling with my relationship with my elementary school-aged daughter. She is my firstborn and we have always had a good relationship, but recently she has started rejecting many of the activities we used to enjoy as a family. She has been doing ballet since she was two, but now she refuses to go to class. It’s a fight every week. She also gets very frustrated when I help her with her schoolwork. She is falling behind in reading and I want to help her (I was very good in school), but she gets angry and then won’t do anything at all. My husband has a much better rapport with her lately and I am jealous that she is more comfortable taking direction from him. Every day I try to start off new, with a plan to be her biggest cheerleader, but it usually takes a negative turn and we wind up yelling at each other. I never thought I would be this kind of a mom.
– Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

Whew – I can relate to this letter! I have been afraid of the teenage years since the moment I found out I was pregnant with a girl. Although, chronologically, mine is only in kindergarten, attitude-wise she’s already giving us a hint of what those years might be like. My immediate advice is for you to be gentler with her, and with yourself when responding.

My hope is that you can separate your hopes and dreams for Daughter from the reality of Daughter. She has outgrown ballet, as most of us do. Maybe it’s sooner than you would have liked, but she is not you. Meanwhile, not all of us mothers are teachers by nature (especially those who were naturally “very good in school”). You just might not be the best reading coach for Daughter. What you are, and what you should always strive to be, is the right guide for her.

This means that you are the one to guide her toward the right tutors, coaches and activities, those that will help her thrive. Yes, that person might be Dad for a period of time, but even he won’t be the Chosen One forever. You will need other resources. Be proactive and start compiling a list.

The daily fights sound so exhausting, but most kids don’t actually seek out opportunities to be irritating (surprising as that may sound). Take some time to stand outside the regularly scheduled arguments – what’s really happening during those times? Are you missing something she’s asking for? Could Dad be a helpful support, preventing you from being so overwhelmed that you do and say things you regret? What about asking Daughter what she thinks? Even at a very young age, she might have some insight about what you both can do to soften those difficult moments.

In the short term, this kind of negotiation could make life more bearable. But in the long term? You just might teach her an invaluable lesson: while all our parents are fallible humans, they are also always on our team.

Stacy Notaras Murphy [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphylpc.com/) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:Stacy@georgetowner.com).

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships:Looking Out for Cousin
• April 25, 2014

Dear Stacy:

My cousin has been divorced for two years (after a 15-year marriage) and is starting to date again. Her ex-husband is already remarried with a baby. Their youngest daughter, age 11, is having a very hard time with mom dating again and won’t acknowledge, look at, talk to or spend time with new boyfriend. Mom is upset because her daughter is having such a hard time, and the boyfriend’s feelings are hurt, but he is trying to be understanding. Mom is concerned, but also wants to be able to live her life and meet someone and move on, romantically. She is between a rock and a hard place. Thoughts?

– Looking Out for Cousin

Dear Looking Out,

First, let’s be grateful that amid so much bad judgment Mom has you as a concerned cousin. She’s lucky to have a supportive figure in her life. While I’m sure you have been the encouraging, helpful sounding board we all need during difficult transitions, I do hope you will be open to sharing some conflicting ideas with her, even though it might be hard to do.

Boyfriend and Youngest have no business spending time together. Yes, some kids take well to the new loves in their parents’ lives (or at least it looks that way), but Youngest has made her feelings known. There is no value in forcing a relationship that is unwelcome. It won’t “teach her a lesson” other than the devastating both-my-parents-ignore-my-needs lesson. It won’t ruin her life if she has no relationship with Boyfriend. Yes, it will make things inconvenient for Cousin, but she’s the mother of a preteen, so she should be used to putting her own needs behind those of her children.

Short answer: get over it. She is a parent whose children have no business taking care of her feelings, not to mention Boyfriend’s feelings.

Now, I can imagine that having Ex-husband married with a new family makes Cousin frustrated that she doesn’t “get to” start over, too. Another short answer: get over it. Cousin can date, of course. She just needs to protect her daughters’ feelings about that dating and not use their approval – which will always be compromised as long as they are under the age of 22 – as affirmation of her choice of Boyfriend. Just because Ex-Husband didn’t take that approach doesn’t mean Cousin gets to be reckless as well. Divorce with children is a messy, uncomfortable, long-term experience. Daughter needs at least one parent to put her needs first.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships October 23,2013
• October 24, 2013

DEAR STACY:

My relationship with my daughter-in-law is very difficult. She lost her own mother at a young age and never really warmed up to me. I went into their marriage (7 years ago) fully aware that there’s a cliché about the mother-in-law being hard to handle, and because of that, I have worked quite hard not to be too presumptuous about our relationship. The current issue is that she does not let me see the grandkids unless I plan several weeks in advance. We live in the same town and there is no “stopping by” just to say hello. I am never invited to their sporting events and when I show up, she acts coldly toward me. This behavior makes no sense to me and I have no idea how to move forward. My son stays out of it, even when I asked him specifically why I have to ask permission so far in advance to spend time with my own family. I think he scared of her too. What can I do?

– Mother-in-Law

DEAR MIL,

I truly appreciate how hard you are working to keep in mind those MIL clichés. But one thing to be mindful of is that DIL has her own, very personal view of this. You may be onto something regarding the loss of her own mother, but try not to psychoanalyze too much. The story I’m telling myself about this (and let’s be honest, we all tell stories to ourselves about why others do the things they do) is that she has worked out a solution to calm any anxiety she has about being watched by you as a mother. The advanced scheduling approach may be a coping mechanism for something that has nothing to do with you, although you may be the trigger. If it works for her, can’t it also work for you? I understand that you are hurt. But at the end of the day, if you really want to see your grandkids, she has given you a method. My advice? Respect her boundaries and follow the guidelines to get on her calendar early and often – and be enthusiastic when you do.

MURPHY’S LOVE: On Tough Questions, Loneliness and Desserts
• November 6, 2012

DEAR STACY:

My boyfriend of four years just moved into
my apartment in February. This is a big step for
us – we’re both 27 – and we took a lot of time
making this decision. Now I am finding myself
expecting an engagement ring at any moment,
even though he hasn’t mentioned anything about
getting engaged. I realize that when we decided
to move in together, part of me assumed this
was a precursor to getting married, although we
haven’t talked about it that way. In fact, thinking
back to many of our past conversations, it
seemed that my boyfriend was making the point
that moving in specifically was not a precursor
to marriage (e.g.: “This will just make things
more convenient for us,” and “It makes sense
financially” and “Let’s make sure our parents
don’t get the wrong idea and specifically explain
that we are not engaged…”) So I basically lied
to him by agreeing with his take on the situation
and have been lying to myself ever since. On top
of it all, I keep smashing through my desserts in
the hope of finding a ring at the bottom. Then,
I’m disappointed and kind of mean to him for the
rest of the night. What should I do

-Dessert Disaster

DEAR DESSERT:
First, please try not to be so hard on yourself.
You recognize that you are making your
Boyfriend pay for something he didn’t necessarily
order – that takes a lot of self awareness. You
didn’t lie to him. You entered into the agreement
with your conscious brain saying, “Sure, this
makes sense!” But when your unconscious brain
begins to revolt, it’s not a case of having been
dishonest with Boyfriend, you just were not as
conscious as you might want to be. I’d imagine
you were simply following his lead because the
idea of conflict around this is very frightening to
you. Let’s talk about that.

Many people in relationships are afraid to
ask for what they specifically want. We start
from the standpoint: “I’m not going to get it
anyway.. So, why put myself in a position of
being vulnerable?” But that is what love is, at
its best. Love is about being yourself, claiming
your feelings and making yourself available to
another person. If Boyfriend’s quotes are to be
believed, it sounds like you are partnering up
with someone just as scared of being vulnerable
and honest as you are. I have no idea if your true
wants are the same, but it appears that neither of
you are putting them out there. No wonder it’s
so confusing.

I’d recommend a sincere conversation. As
usual, focus on your own feelings, try not to
point fingers, and remain as calm as possible
so that his defenses do not prevent him from
hearing your message. What’s the message? “It
appears that I want more from this relationship,
and I’d like to know your honest, careful and
specific thoughts about whether that’s something
you want to provide.” Leave it at that. This
doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing negotiation,
just an all-cards-on-the-table conversation.

DEAR STACY:

My wife doesn’t want to have sex as much
as I want. We have discussed this; we even went
to therapy. Nothing has changed. I am thinking
about maybe having an affair. It would be nothing
emotional, because I still love my wife. My
needs just aren’t being met and she has pushed
me to this. I am worrying about the possible
guilt, however. I wish I could just explain the
situation to her and perhaps she would agree
that I can find someone for sex only? We have
two kids in high school. So, I don’t want to do
anything that puts our family at risk.

–Lonely and Looking

DEAR LONELY:

Thanks for writing in about what I know is
a tough, although common, topic. I hope you
notice that I am responding to “Lonely” and not
“Looking.” I can hear that you are lonely, but I
don’t think “Looking” is who you really want to
be. Let me explain.

People get married for many reasons, but
just sex is never one of them. Especially not for
a father of two who readily admits he still loves
his wife and has tried couples therapy. No, that
person is maybe, possibly and perhaps looking
outside his marriage because he is depressed
and wanting to feel connected to someone,
namely, his wife. I’m sure you already know that
the root of her low sexual desire could be physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. Meanwhile,
you didn’t give numbers. So, we also cannot
rule out that you actually might have an elevated
sex drive with roots that are also physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. In other words, this
is a very subjective subject.

At the end of the day, your wants do not
match up with those of Wife, the one person to
whom you have committed yourself for many
years, created a home with and raised a family.
Wow. That does feel lonely and depressing, and
fantasizing about some new options makes a
lot of sense. But let’s brainstorm for other ideas
(see a doctor together; negotiate a schedule that
meets you both halfway; see a certified sex
therapist) that don’t, as you say, put your family
“at risk.” Because an affair will put your family
at risk. No doubt. Guaranteed.

Trust me, an “unemotional” affair won’t
work out the way you are imagining it could.
Otherwise, you would already have an open
marriage and wouldn’t be asking my opinion.
Even if Wife heard you, understood you and told
you all was well, this decision will change the
way she views you. It also will change the way
she views your family, and – most insidious and
damaging – change the way she sees herself.
That’s a very long road to repair. Do this the
right way. Go back to therapy; go back to talking
about it. Don’t turn this into something that
she’s “pushed” you to do. Make these decisions
together.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional
counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist
practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.
com, and you can follow her on twitter @
StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com. [gallery ids="102463,120867" nav="thumbs"]

Murphy’s Love: The Emotional Chaos of Unemployment
•

DEAR STACY,

My husband was laid off from his job last year and spent eight months looking for some- thing in his old profession (consulting). He finally took a job in sales over the summer, but is now making 30 percent less with this new job and is spending a lot more time at work. We knew all of this before he decided to take the job, and we both said we would live with these challenges, because he really needed to do something.

I’m not writing for advice about how to deal with this life change. It’s a major change, and we’re dealing with it. What I need is advice about how to approach this with our friends and family. My husband has not even allowed me to tell my parents he found a new job. He hasn’t told his own family yet, and we aren’t talking about it with friends or people at our child’s school, all of whom knew he was laid off, have been kind and have asked how things have been going. He tells me that this job is just a “place- holder,” and he doesn’t want people to think that he has changed careers. Someone gave him the advice that it might prevent people from think- ing of him when it comes to jobs in his preferred field. Whether or not I think that’s valid advice (sorry, I really don’t), it’s making it very difficult when people ask me what’s going on. He doesn’t seem to understand that I get that question a lot more often than he does, and that just changing the subject doesn’t work every time.
–Nothing to Say

Dear Nothing to Say,

First, I am very sorry that your family is dealing with this incredibly difficult situation. You are specifically asking for help with managing the outside view of this experience, and that part really sounds like a public relations night- mare. You are the involuntary spokesperson for this organization (aka your family), and as in most corporate crises, your partner (Husband) is too frazzled to really understand the role you’re playing. So I’d advise you to get out of that job. First, though, a little perspective on what Husband might actually be going through.
To me, this sounds like a grief stage – denial. I know we have covered this topic in this space before, but Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous five stages of grief (denial, anger, bar- gaining, depression and acceptance) often don’t occur in a manner that is at all linear or time- limited. It is likely that your husband went back to mourning his previous job upon making the decision to take his new position. No matter how upfront and honest you both were about the results of taking a job that requires more time to pay less money, that decision still has its emo- tional shockwaves. Asking you, demanding you to play the PR role with your friends and family is likely part of his denial process.

The good news is that his denial is a process. The bad news is that his denial is his process, so we can’t just talk him out of it or convince him of some new way of looking at it. What we can do is give you some language for excusing yourself from mouthpiece duty.

When those well-meaning folks ask you about his job search, you do not have to lie. Simply follow his script. Say he’s found a place- holder, but that he’s still interested in finding something in XYZ consulting. Then shift the conversation by asking if the person has any leads. You never know, that person just may be waiting for you to ask.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed profes- sional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com, and you can follow her on Twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.