Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships Everyone Needs Reassurance
• June 8, 2016

A volunteer job recently exposed my husband of 50 years to a number of single women working with …

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships Everyone Needs Reassurance
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Dear Stacy,

A volunteer job recently exposed my husband of 50 years to a number of single women working with …

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships: When the Rug Is Pulled Out
• April 8, 2016

Dear Stacy,

I am a college student and my roommate of two years just told me she is rooming with someone else next year. We never even discussed it when we decided to room together for this year, it was just a given, so I am beyond confused about why she’s leaving. I am really devastated. I hate that I feel so bad about this, but I do. I don’t know why she is moving out, and I know you are going to tell me to talk to her about it, but I really want some help on not feeling so bad about this.

— Spiraling

Dear Spiraling:
It sounds like you are heartbroken by this change in your world and I am so sorry you have to go through this. In all honesty, however, this is just the beginning. Adulthood is full of heartbreak, loss and feelings of rejection. I don’t offer this to say, “So get over it,” but rather to congratulate you on knowing how you feel. For a lot of us, it can take decades to name our feelings. This is a great skill that will help you in the long run.

So now we consider the goal of “not feeling so bad about this.” Is that really the best goal? To not feel hurt when someone pulls the rug out from under you? If that’s what you want, the only answer is to walk around well-armed, expecting the rug to be pulled out at any time. Sound fun — or functional? I hope not. Let’s fine-tune that goal, then. Instead, how about finding a way to get through this difficult experience in a way that feels healthy and true to you.

Yes, talk to Roommate. If you are “spiraling” trying to make sense of her choice, it will be good for you to name that hurt, then find a way for both of you to move forward as friends. It also will be an opportunity to get some feedback about why she’s leaving. Perhaps it’s not about you. Perhaps it is. Maybe there’s something to learn about being a better roommate next time.

The bottom line is that you don’t want to avoid her for the rest of your life (or the rest of college, at least). She made the decision to move out, but you have some control over how things go after that point. You can take care of your disappointed self while healing the relationship, preserving the chance to be friends in the future.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships – It’s Not Up to Her to Get Over It
• March 18, 2016

*Dear Stacy:

I had an affair a long time ago. It was brief and when my wife found out, I ended it. I have been completely committed to her ever since. We have a great life together, raising two great boys and spending quality time together. The problem is that she is still mad about the affair. I have apologized 1,000 times, and it seems like things are good, but then it comes back up. She says she never can trust me, which is not true. What can I do to help her get over this? She knows we have a great life and doesn’t want a divorce, but I can’t keep being beaten up for something that she can’t get over.
– Over It*

Dear Over,

I want to start by saying that I know this has been hard for you, that I know you have done your best to apologize for the affair and that it makes sense you are feeling so frustrated. Hear that? Okay, now for the tough love: All of that isn’t good enough for Wife. And it’s not up to her to get over it; it’s up to you to fix it.

Let me explain why your apologies haven’t done the trick. I wasn’t in the room, but I have a suspicion that you struggled with meeting Wife in her pain. What I mean is that though you apologized, you may not have empathized. In fact, if you are like most people when caught, you may have defended yourself a little (it’s okay, that’s a biological response to feeling threatened). While making the stretch into apologizing for your actions may have been an enormous demonstration of your commitment, it didn’t feel that way to Wife because she may not have felt heard and comforted by you in the aftermath. It makes sense that once you said you were sorry you worked to move on, but for Wife the pain remained. She needed more comforting. I know that may sound “needy” in the pejorative sense, but that’s exactly what it is: a need to be comforted by you.

Renowned couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson describes this sort of breach as a bomb going off in a relationship. The repercussions require long-term care and nurturing. I know you can do that; you are raising two “great boys” and I am sure you have comforted and nurtured them through pain. Try some of that care and gentleness on Wife and see what happens. I know this might seem impossible at this stage, so I would also recommend meeting with a couples therapist. (Someone trained in Sue Johnson’s Emotionally-Focused Therapy might be the best choice. Contact me and I will put you in touch.) Setting up the appointment yourself will immediately demonstrate your commitment to healing and put you on a faster path to the resolution you seek.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*

Murphy’s Love: Dealing with Big Ticket Stressors
• March 10, 2016

Dear Stacy,

I am starting to realize that I am not handling things in my relationship the way I used to. I have had a lot of life changes in the last month — I moved and started a new job with a significant commute that I’m not quite used to — and I haven’t been sleeping well either. My girlfriend is frustrated that we aren’t spending as much time together anymore and it feels overwhelming. I honestly feel stressed out and anxious most of the time. I even woke up at 3 a.m. multiple times this week with my heart racing and was unable to go back to sleep. I wonder if it’s time to just take a break from my relationship with my girlfriend (we’ve been dating six months, in case that’s important) so I can focus on my new job. Should I stop spending so much time with my friends? I just don’t know what to do next. I am having trouble making decisions for the first time in my life.

— Adjustment Problems

Dear Adjustment:

I can see why you would be struggling. You have come across more than one of the mental health community’s “big ticket stressors” in the last few months. Moving and starting a new job (not to mention the frustration of commuting) are incredibly challenging experiences, even when they represent welcome changes. Please be gentle with yourself. You are reacting as many of us would in your shoes.

But let’s not go about making big relationship decisions amid such circumstances. We need to triage this situation. Prioritize the most pressing issues and work them out first. My pick? Sleep. This is the most important issue to get under control before you start slashing and burning your relationships. Make this your first goal and do everything you can to protect your sleep.

Start by asking yourself if you are practicing good “sleep hygiene.” Are you setting a time to stop working each night? Putting screens away an hour before bedtime? Avoiding caffeine and sugar late in the day? All of these habits contribute to sleep disturbance. If you wake up early and cannot fall back asleep after a reasonable amount of time, get up — but do not start doing work. Instead, try to exercise and set yourself up for a better night of sleep the next night.

Once you are sleeping better, I imagine you might see some of the other stressors in a different light. Your having trouble making decisions could truly be sleep-related, so please give getting good rest precedence before taking drastic measures to try to feel better.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Murphy’s Love: Red Flag or Learning Experience?
• February 18, 2016

*Dear Stacy,
I have been in a relationship for six months after a long time without a relationship. I am thrilled to have a boyfriend and am loving getting to spend holidays and weekends together. I am so excited to plan things for just the two of us. The problem? I recently discovered that he “borrowed” my credit card without asking. He has been struggling with money lately, and I know it’s stressful to him that I am always paying for our dates and such. I understand why it was hard for him to ask me for money — but my friends are saying he “stole” it from me. He apologized and said he won’t do it again, but I wonder if he’s actually done it before (I’m not too careful about reading my credit card statements and only discovered this by accident). I don’t know what to do. Is this the red flag my friends say it is? I am in love with him, so this is not an easy position for me.
— Loving a Thief?*

Dear Loving,

Before jumping to conclusions, we need to know what we are dealing with on this. Clear vision is required, or you could either regret it later or always find yourself wondering. Go through your credit card statements to make sure what we have here is a one-time indiscretion and not a pattern of behavior. If you find that Boyfriend’s use of your card went beyond the incident you discovered, then we have both a thief and a liar — a bad, and perhaps irredeemable, combo. But if it was, indeed, a single episode, we can use it as a learning experience for you both. But you have to use it. Don’t ignore it. Please.

When I say “learning experience,” remember that a relationship requires us to learn and stretch and grow. When relationships don’t demand that of us, we are stagnant and wither away. So take heart! This is an opportunity for you and Boyfriend to stretch and grow your relationship. I know that may not sound as exciting to you as it does to me, but bear with me.

Use this as a chance to really talk about what honesty means to you, what money means to you, what debt means to you, etc. Try your best not to just sweep this incident under the rug. (If you already have done that, pull the rug up and talk about it.) Use it as an opening to a conversation about expectations and security — a conversation that all long-term relationships require.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com*

Murphy’s Love: Setting Boundaries With Relatives
• January 11, 2016

Dear Stacy,

I am so sick of being asked if I’m dating anyone when I go home for the holidays. I am 27 years old, female and interested in a relationship with a man, but I am not interested in talking about it with my relatives. It seems to be the only topic of conversation they ever bring up with me. Yes, my sisters are both married — but they are also older and live in our hometown. I have avoided going home for a visit over the last year, but Christmas is non-negotiable with my family. How do I take care of myself when these pointed, nosy questions come up?

— None of Their Business

Dear Business,

I imagine we could replace the question “Are you dating anyone?” with a number of other inquiries (e.g., “When are you and your live-in boyfriend getting married?” or “When are you ever having a baby?”) with the same irritating result. The bottom line is that many of us struggle when relatives we don’t see very often want to know what’s going on with us and seem to feel entitled to an answer.

I say seem to feel entitled because my belief is that these questions often come up when people who have known us since childhood realize they have nothing interesting to say to us as adults. It’s uncomfortable, so their brains immediately latch onto the most basic thing they know about us: our social status in terms of The Big Life Moments. Usually, they have no idea how pointed their questions sound, not to mention how triggering they can be. If they did, it’s pretty unlikely they would ask, right? (If you disagree, and think Cousin Susan is just trying to antagonize you, then we need to start talking about alternate holiday plans for you from here on out.)

But back to the very appropriate (A+) question of how to take care of yourself. Boundaries are necessary and you actually can set them before taking the drastic step of not showing up. Set your own boundary, whether it’s a concise response to the question and then a change of subject (e.g., “I’ll let you know as soon as I know — but what I’m really interested in is how you keep your skin looking so glowing, Aunt Karen?”) or a rehearsed statement about how inappropriate the question is (e.g., “Wow, that’s a very personal question. I think I would prefer not to discuss it while doing the dishes, Grandma.”).

Then be prepared to set that boundary again. And again. And don’t interpret the reset requirement as evidence that you’ve chosen a bad boundary; we humans respond to rulemaking, but need time and practice to truly adapt.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Murphy’s Love: Being Patient With Your Holiday Self
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Dear Stacy,

It’s December and once again, I am here in the middle of the holidays feeling completely overwhelmed. I have a busy job, a busy family and a tendency to be busy all the time. I usually like things that way, but it never seems to fail me that I get to feeling really stressed out and frustrated during this time of year. It always sets me up for a New Year’s resolution about “making space for peace” (words from my therapist), but nothing ever lasts. My husband is fed up with my complaining, and so am I. Do I just thrive on stress? Should I embrace that? Is there anything I can do to make things better?

— Seasonal Stress

Dear Seasonal:

I think we all might feel some of your pain right now. Agonizing about holiday busy-ness seems to be a national pastime, particularly for those of us who acknowledge we have a “tendency” (read: preference or addiction) toward being busy all the time. But you really do sound like you are truly pained by this, and that’s the litmus test that shows us when stress stops being a motivator and, instead, becomes a physiological and psychological problem.

While I am a total fan of your therapist — making space for peace sounds awesome — I can see that you are not turning her words into a usable mantra, at least not at this time of year. So let’s invoke another tried-and-true stress-relief trick: taking things one day at a time. I know this may not be the sexy answer you might have been hoping for, but it works. Sometimes patience with self is the only thing that does.

Make that to-do list and work it. Crossing small things off is still crossing things off. Give yourself credit for taking out the garbage as well as finishing your handmade Advent calendar (ahem…they do sell these online with free shipping). Prioritize, even if that means you might disappoint someone. Take small bites and celebrate them. Be gentle with yourself when you aren’t as productive as you thought you might be. Remember: you’re raising kids who will share your tendencies — toward being stressed out or, with some thoughtful choreography, toward being kind to themselves before, during and after the holidays.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. Visit her on the web at stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Murphy’s Love: Crushing on the Boss
• October 26, 2015

Dear Stacy,

I have a crush on my boss. She is about my age and we have had chemistry from the start of my employment (professional office) three years ago. We both were in relationships at the time I started working, but now are both free and available. I want to ask her out, but I am worried about the outcome. While there are no overt policies against this in our work environment, of course I wonder what could happen if things don’t work out and we still have to work together. Then again, career-wise it makes sense for me to be looking for a new job elsewhere regardless. But then I wonder how long finding a new job will actually take.

You see my dilemma. I’m not normally a risk-taker, but for some reason, I just can’t stop thinking that we might be really good together. Should I put this out of my mind?

– Crushing

Dear Crushing:

Let’s start by acknowledging that you would likely get vastly different advice from a business coach or a career counselor. But as a pro-relationship person, I say: Go for it. If there’s no policy against it, why not give it a try? Every day I sit with people struggling to find connection and partnership in this city. I’m not going to tell you to search for it elsewhere when it might, in fact, be staring at you across the room during a staff meeting. You’re right, this would feel risky, but without some level of risk we never make ourselves available for the really good things in life.
All of this being said, however, please do proceed with caution. She’s The Boss, so that means she is in control of whether this gets any further than an invitation to dinner. Respect her decision. She may have good reasons for keeping her distance (e.g., there’s a secret policy against this or she’s been burned before or she’s planning to quit next week …).

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor in Georgetown. For information about the adjustment group for female college students she is co-leading this fall, visit stacymurphyLPC.com. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships: It’s Not Too Late for You
• August 19, 2015

Dear Stacy,

I am in my early 50s, a father to three sons and husband to a great wife. But I feel like I missed out on the chance to have the right career. I am a contractor, basically because I have never found a place I wanted to spend more than a six-month stint. I truly hate the work I do every day and can’t believe I’m this far into a career that I’ve never liked. I am so disappointed that I didn’t take more risks after college. I just fell into a field that never made me happy or excited about work. Whenever I talk about changing careers to something I might actually like (chef, psychologist, teacher), my wife freaks out because we are about to have our third kid in college. The thought of following my dream, even though I’m not even sure what that dream is, scares me to death, so instead I do nothing. Advice?

– Frozen

Dear Frozen:

Okay, let’s start by saying that, while you didn’t outright blame your wife for holding you back, I worry about how much of this you lay at her feet. Anyone facing three tuition bills would be concerned when her partner says he might become a novice food-truck proprietor. Her anxiety is not unreasonable, but if you label it the reason you can’t move forward, you are doing long-term damage to your marriage. Let’s turn the focus back to your role in all of this.

I work with a lot of college students and I know about the pressures to follow the trajectory set out when you pick a major at age 18. I also know that many people spend lots of time in offices like mine lamenting those youthful decisions, feeling powerless to change course. The conversation almost always leads back to a fear of embarrassment about having to “admit you made a mistake” about what career path to choose.

We have to change this narrative. Most of us have no idea what we really want to be when we are 18, because we have no idea who we are yet. We make decisions based on feedback from others (e.g., “You’re a good arguer? You should be a lawyer!”) rather than on any understanding of what it will really feel like to live that life. And that’s okay, as long as we allow people to change lanes later.

I was “a good writer,” so I became a journalist. Little did I know that phone interviews and solitary writing would feel like punishment to my overly extroverted self. When I changed course and went to grad school at age 28, I was one of the youngest people in my program. The people sitting around me were mostly in their 50s and 60s, taking a chance to find the meaningful work that circumstances or lack of self-knowledge kept them from for the first few decades of their working life. It wasn’t too late for them and it’s not too late for you.