Stacy Notaras Murphy • August 17, 2015

Dear Stacy,

Last week my boyfriend (7 months, we are both in our 40s) said he thought it best if we didn’t date anymore. It was his idea, but I was inching toward the same conclusion myself (for different reasons). We mutually agreed to stay friends. Here’s the thing that’s confusing to me: not much has changed since we had that discussion.

He still sends me email and text messages a few times a day. He still calls me every night to discuss things that are happening in our lives. He still wants me to attend a dinner party with his friends next week. I have a business dinner next month at a restaurant that’s a favorite of his and, although I had not invited him (no one is bringing significant others), he volunteered that he’d like to go with me.

I am happy to remain friends with him. But this frequency of communication is something that, for me, is indicative of a romantic relationship. I don’t communicate this much with anyone else in my life, not my closest friends, not my family. I don’t dislike communicating with him and I do want to remain friends, but I feel like this is making it difficult for me to move on. Any suggestions on how I can address this with him without damaging the friendship?

– Confused

Dear Confused:

While anyone reading this would be impressed by your maturity in this situation — I really am! — I think there seems to be a myth of how “mature” people always stay friends with Exes. We fast-track from Ex to Pal, and everyone’s supposed to be okay with it. But the truth is that a breakup is a break. It has to be, otherwise, as you said, we can’t heal and move on. Instead, we linger and we suppose and we what-if ourselves to the point of distraction.

Your Pal’s behavior tells us that you fulfill much of what he needs in his life, but, for whatever reason, he is unable to commit fully. You said you were heading toward ending the relationship yourself. I think you might need to have that breakup convo regardless of what happened last week. Set your own terms, so you don’t wind up feeling used.

You worry about “damaging the friendship,” but the friendship is brand new (and, I am even going to say, not entirely based in reality). It’s unrealistic that you would want to hear about his day every night without enjoying the real intimacy that kind of connection can create. Instead, you get to be the author of what a safe friendship is. But please, give yourself some time away from the dating and the friending; that’s where the perspective and healing happens. I understand there may not be massive wounds around this breakup, but even abrasions need air and time to heal. Then you will feel more confident when you find New Boyfriend and you want to tell Pal all about him.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • July 16, 2015

Dear Stacy: I was recently diagnosed with a highly treatable form of cancer. Up until this diagnosis, my life had been focused on building my career and finding the right person to be with and marry. I have been dating a guy for six months. We are both 28 years old and have dated around a lot, so our decision to be exclusive was big. We don’t live together, but I think that may be around the corner. The short story is that I am terrified this is going to scare him off. I have to have a short course of chemo, and then be cautious for the rest of my life, but my doctors are very optimistic. My concern is that this might feel like too much for him, as his family doesn’t deal with illness well. I’m scared he’s going to run when he learns about my diagnosis. Thank you for your advice.
– The Big C

Dear C: I am so sorry that you are facing this diagnosis, but your letter conveys a strong air of confidence in your doctors and in your prognosis. I have no doubt that you can deliver that same calm when you tell Boyfriend what’s going on. You didn’t ask me if you should tell him at all, but I can imagine you’re considering whether you can hide this whole thing from him. Don’t try. Please. It won’t work and you would only be delaying the inevitable. Couples face hard things. If you marry him, you are going to have to trust him to love you even when you are not at your very best. That test is going to happen regardless of how much you plot against it, so why not welcome it and be curious about how you both will respond?

If you’re thinking, “No way, I want to put this off as long as possible,” then I’d get interested in the roots of your discomfort. Are you not allowed to look vulnerable to other people? Are you, yourself, afraid of sick people? What kind of relationship are you really imagining with him? Are you the kind of girlfriend/wife who sleeps with her makeup on so he never sees you without it? That’s a recipe for a bad partnership (not to mention how bad it is for your skin). Couplehood is healing because it gives us the opportunity to watch someone else love us completely, even the parts we hate — which teaches us to love ourselves. Give him the chance to do that for you, so you can do it for him when it’s his turn.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC. com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • May 21, 2015

Dear Stacy,

I have been married a little over two years, and have lived in D.C. since college. My husband is new to the area and doesn’t have many friends. He’s an introvert, but a great guy and an avid sports fan. He just doesn’t have anyone to go to games with unless someone is visiting us. I, on the other hand, like being social and have a lot of friends. We aren’t starting a family for a few more years, and I want to take advantage of the time because I know making new friends stops when you have kids. My husband and I keep arguing about how much I want to go out. I wish he would have his own things to do, but he just winds up staying home by himself and being passive-aggressive when I get back. What can I do to make this better?

– To party or not to party?

Dear Party:

We can talk about your views on making friends through parenthood another day, but, trust me, it happens. Today your concern is that Husband needs some friends. I know you think that making new connections would be the solution, but that’s not what I read in your situation. I am more concerned about how he takes this out on you.

Staying at home by yourself is a fine choice for a true introvert. If he gets energy that way and actually enjoys himself, huzzah. But it sounds like he is not having a good time, and instead reacts to you (just “being you”) with hostility, veiled and not-so-veiled. Readers of this column know that’s a massive red flag. If he resents you and doesn’t name that so you two can work it out (e.g., have a standing date night, ritualize how you reconnect after an evening apart, set a goal to go out with like-minded couples at least once a month, etc.), then his unresolved feelings are creating a problem in your partnership. That could have a long shelf-life, and I don’t wish that on either of you. Time for an honest conversation.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com*

Stacy Notaras Murphy • April 13, 2015

Dear Stacy,

My wife is not interested in sex. She never really has been, but ever since we’ve had kids, she’s just unavailable for me. We have a great partnership otherwise, and have no real interest in divorce. I really love her and the family we’ve built. But I’m completely unfulfilled physically. I don’t want an open relationship. I know that I could not handle the jealousy of that, but I am thinking about allowing myself the pleasure of female companionship when and if it is offered to me. I do not travel often for work, but could increase that, and I think that would allow me the freedom I need to remain in my marriage. My question to you is this: do you have any other ideas before I give this one a try?
– Frequent Traveler

Dear Traveler:

Do I have any ideas before you cheat on your wife? Seriously? You are leaving this up to me?

Okay, if I get to be in charge, my answer is an emphatic “NO.”

No, you do not get to allow yourself the “pleasure” of extramarital companionship. No, you do not get to change your work schedule to allow you more time to roam the hotel bars and airport concourses, hoping that something is “offered” to you. No, you do not get to rationalize that this is the only way to maintain your marriage and that “otherwise” great partnership.

I’m saying no to all of those things because it’s a delusion to think that stepping outside your marriage for physical pleasure will do anything but harm your relationship with your wife. It will. The fantasy of it already has harmed your marriage, I would bet. So let’s stop playing pretend.

You have at least a tiny sense of self-awareness that helps you see that you, yourself, could not handle an open relationship. That’s good news, because open relationships take a lot of work and self-examination, and you don’t sound up to that challenge. Let’s be clear: the female companionship of your dreams is one-sided. It’s easy. It has no strings. Of course it sounds amazing, but even if you find it, when that fantasy is over – SCENE: when you come home from the fake business trip and are met at the door by a screaming kid – you will put Wife in the position of being a disappointment or, worse, the object keeping you from returning to that fantasy space. And then you have resentment, a toxic chemical that you ought to be familiar with already, since that’s what has fueled this storyline about being able to find physical fulfillment outside your marriage without an impact on that partnership.

So let’s look at dealing with the existing resentment before you add more to the mix. Take your Great Partnership to a sex therapist. You need an impartial, skilled guide to help you with this conversation. Honestly, the conclusion could be that you actually do get what you’re dreaming of whenever you are on a “business trip.” But you don’t get to skip the hard work to negotiate that agreement without deeply damaging the family you say you value so much.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • March 11, 2015

Dear Stacy,

*I am pretty frustrated about my living situation. My roommate’s boyfriend practically lives with us and pays no rent. He sleeps in late, so I have to be quiet when I get up in the morning. He doesn’t contribute to the household utilities and never does any chores – so even when I am doing my half, it feels like he is getting away with something. He’s not my boyfriend. No, he’s not a bad guy, but he’s NOT my boyfriend. I have held my tongue this long, I think, because I imagine that when I have a serious boyfriend, I would like for him to feel welcome in my home as well. But this is too much and I don’t know how to broach the subject with my roommate. We have a good situation, but this is getting more and more difficult every day. I know this isn’t a relationship issue, exactly, but I’m at the end of my rope.*

– Biting my Tongue

Dear Biting:

Ugh, what an uncomfortable situation. You sound like someone who has put up with a lot. It’s time to give some voice to your frustrations.

First, a little educatiwon about frustrations. They are like yeast. If you don’t use them productively – for instance, as a motivator to make changes – those frustrations grow and grow, until they take up all the space in the room. Allowing your frustrations about Roommate’s egregious open-door policy to expand will definitely ruin the “good situation” you have been enjoying. It’s time to get your feelings on the table.

I really appreciate your analysis of your own motivation. It makes sense that if you are eminently cool about Not Your Boyfriend’s presence in your home, it stands to reason that when Future Boyfriend shows up, he will get the same treatment. In therapy, that’s what we call modeling behavior (the rest of the world calls it the Golden Rule).

But let’s follow that thought all the way through to the end. Without some ground rules, wouldn’t Roommate end up feeling like you in that situation? Why not model a healthy way of confronting the issue instead? This actually is a “relationship issue,” one that we can use as a practice swing so you can build up your self-advocacy skills.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy,

I have read online that being kind to one another is one of the hallmarks of a good marriage. I know that my husband and I fail at this more often than not, and it’s so discouraging. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our 15 years together. I think the transition to becoming parents was not as blissful as we both expected. While negative comments between us are not the norm, negative energy is, and I know we are not modeling good behavior for our kids. So if I know that kindness is so important, why is it so hard for me to be kind to him? I set my intentions to be nice, but it’s just hard to change things midstream. Any advice?

– Trying to Be Kind

Dear Trying:

First, I want to applaud something you already know, and already stated: you are trying. Trying is 90 percent of the battle sometimes. Getting past the strong defenses built up by years of frustration and resentment, just so you can try to be kind because a piece of you wants a better relationship? That’s hard, hard work. So you are trying. And you should keep trying! But I have just one question.

Does Husband know you are trying?

What I mean is, are you talking about how hard it is for the two of you to be kind right now? Are you talking about your efforts to improve things? Is he reading the same stuff online that you are reading? Is improving your marriage actually on the table right now? If, instead, you are doing all of this covertly, hoping to improve things without ever coming clean about the impact of it all – well, I hate to be blunt here, but that’s not going to work. It’s like a crash diet: an extreme change in behavior without any of the support required to make it last. How about we come up with a real plan?

I suspect that your online research relates to John Gottman’s groundbreaking finding that stable, happy couples have an average of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Your attempts at kindness are an excellent way of boosting the plus column, but you need more. If you and Husband had a conversation about wanting to make things better in this way, he might be more tuned-in when you offer those kind words, and much more likely to reciprocate.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • January 29, 2015

Dear Stacy:
I am exhausted. I feel this way all the time. It’s not a medical condition, I’ve been checked out. It’s because I do too much, too often, all the time. My calendar is out of control. A couple times a year I will splurge on a spa weekend. A few times a month I get a night away from the kids. But the good feelings never seem to last and I always wind up feeling exhausted very soon after. I just don’t know how other moms do it, and I find myself thinking about how they do it a lot, which is also exhausting. I know this makes my marriage harder than it needs to be, but I also don’t feel like he’s very supportive when I need time off.
– Mother of the Year

Dear Mother:
I hear you trying very hard to take care of yourself. You’re just doing it wrong.

You know you need time for yourself. In fact, a few times a year, you get an uninterrupted break for yourself. But you wonder why the results don’t last.

Let’s take that same view and apply it to something else: a diet. Imagine a person who wants to lose weight choosing one or two weekends a year to eat healthy, then expecting to feel energized every other day. That doesn’t work for dieting – oh, but if it did! – and it doesn’t work for self-care.

You have to make self-care into a habit, a lifestyle change. It has to be part of every single day: two minutes of meditation, morning stretching, emailing a friend, taking a walk at lunch, listening to a podcast about the Real Housewives – the list of personal self-care options is limitless.

I understand that you may not feel supported by Husband, but imagine it from his point of view. You are harried and exhausted much of the year, and then leave him with the kids so you can get relief, only to return to him and snap back into tired mode. I wouldn’t support that, either.

Once again, this needs to be something the whole family both supports and enjoys. A mom who builds healthy self-care into her weekly routine models healthy self-care for her family. You have to put yourself on that calendar, too.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to
stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy:

I have a longtime friend from my mid-20s (I’m now in my 30s) and we’ve grown apart somewhat due to different places in life and age. I’ve tried to reach out with invitations for a year, with no real response. Our conversations are perfunctory, at best, and are more acquaintance-like than anything. Although we are now more in the “same place” life-experience-wise (new wives, new moms), my friend doesn’t seem keen on sharing or learning about what I’m up to. Do I just let this friendship go (I’m always the instigator of communication) or ask if I’ve done something that has pushed her away?

– Old Friend

Dear Old Friend:

This sounds really frustrating, but also like a fairly natural occurrence in the cycle of friendships. Sure, Hollywood has given us the fantasy that my preschool best friend should remain an integral part of my life until she moves into an adjoining room at the rest home. But even in the age of Facebook, people do grow out of friendships. If this is what you think is happening here, then maybe you can move the relationship into the “Friendly Acquaintance/Holiday Card” category and move on.

Yet, if you suspect you have done something to warrant the cold shoulder, wouldn’t you really want to know what it is? In the absence of facts, our brains just fill in the blanks on a never-ending cycle of “What if?” How about asking – directly, peppered with love and curiosity?

If she’s actually mad because you did something wrong, you can apologize and get your friend back. If she’s mad because she thinks you did something wrong, and you disagree, you can work on it. If she’s mad because she thinks you did something wrong, and you conclude she’s delusional, then you can save money on the annual postage by moving her to the “Good Old Memory” column. My point is, there are questions on the table.

It often seems so much safer to write a person off without taking on the discomfort and vulnerability of asking the real questions. But when we do, we have the potential to deepen our relationships and to recognize which friendships can tolerate such honesty.

I can imagine you have some ideas about why this wouldn’t work in this particular instance. But do you want to be the person who made assumptions, kept safe and lost a friend – or the one who knew she tried everything she could?

Stacy Notaras Murphy (stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • November 19, 2014

Dear Stacy:

*I am in my early 40s and have several friends from college who still live in the area. We get together every few months to have brunch or happy hour, and recently I have noticed that I am irritated by them and not interested in hearing more about their personal lives. I know how this sounds ­– I am being petty and rude – but I don’t understand why we have to go out and talk about the same things over and over again (e.g., kids, vacations, home improvements). Seriously, they go on and on about the most domestic, conventional issues. When did we get so boring? Why can’t we talk about our goals and dreams, like we used to in college? I try to float new conversation topics, but they fall like lead balloons. Is this what inevitably happens when you get old?*

– Bored by my Buddies

Dear Bored,

You sound like a lot of fun at brunch.

While I don’t necessarily think that aging inevitably translates into boring your friends with talk about gutter projects and piano recital reviews, sometimes that is what is going on in your life and you talk it through with your friends. The problem here, I think, is that you aren’t actually friends with these people anymore.
We do grow up after college and often that means we also grow apart. Though I don’t think this means you have to cancel all future get-togethers with College Crowd, you might do well to set your expectations a little lower. Take yourself back to those late-night discussions with your dorm-mates. You were talking about the issues of “that day” – including goals and dreams –because that’s what was on your plate back then. Today, the plate is crowded with other topics because that’s real life in your 40s.
Those people were your college compatriots mostly due to the circumstance of being assigned to the same dorm floor, class list or extracurricular team. As adults we get to choose our friends and – while it’s been documented that making new friends post-college is a challenging business – that means we can seek out people who have similar interests. So when you’re at the next goals and dreams meet-up, set a few brunch dates with similarly minded folks. And keep the old friends on the calendar as well. You might appreciate being a member of both groups, once you see what that feels like.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.