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Murphy’s: Stop Texting Your Ex
• October 23, 2014
Dear Stacy:
I can’t stop texting my ex. I know I need to stop, but I have a lot of questions about how things ended and I am not getting the answers I need (or maybe that I want to hear). I have tried to stop many times, even asked my ex to block my number, but I still keep going back to it. I know it’s making it harder to get over the relationship.
-Texting Mess
Dear Texting:
First, you are not alone. This is actually a topic that comes up a lot in my office. I am impressed that you are the one asking for help to make this stop rather than shifting the focus onto how Ex has wronged you and using that as justification for your actions. You can get better but it may not be easy.
This is harassment and it could have legal repercussions. I checked in with local attorney Regina DeMeo and she explains that while it could be difficult for Ex to obtain a restraining order based on compulsive texting alone, you need to tread lightly here. “Any legal action involving an adult is part of the public record, and when companies or credit bureaus do background checks on people, orders entered against someone can harm their chances of employment and damage credit scores,” she says. “If you have a Protective Order entered against you, it can jeopardize your security clearance and your right to own a gun. In addition, it can definitely impact a person’s right in child custody cases.”
Beyond the legal issues, I am concerned about your emotional wellbeing. It sounds like your efforts to understand the breakup have taken up the space that the relationship used to fill. In other words, rather than get over Ex you have just renegotiated a new kind of coupling based on compulsive texting. Compulsive behavior – in whatever form – is hard on the body and mind. True, yours may be rooted in the pursuit of answers to a legitimate question but this has morphed into something else. When we act compulsively it is because we are seeking a release for anxiety. But if the compulsion is also injurious (e.g. it robs us of our self-respect or puts us at risk of legal action) it becomes part of a continuous loop of self-harm.
For you, I recommend more self care, and absolutely no more preventable self-harm. But it is up to you to decide whether or not it’s time to change things. The good news is that you have help on this path. This isn’t just about willpower – a losing bet on its own – it’s about building new skills and trying new routines. Block Ex’s number from your phone today and then buy a book about compulsive behavior or look into finding a therapist who can help you map this new territory.
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
Murphy’s Love
• October 13, 2014
-Dear Stacy:
I am a successful, attractive D.C. woman about to turn 38 and will be celebrating with (drumroll, please) YET ANOTHER BREAKUP! This time I really thought the relationship was a go, but he turned out to be exactly like every other guy I’ve dated over the years, and I’m finally noticing the pattern. Things always start off well — the connection is strong, the sex is fantastic, we make big plans for the future. Then, after four months, six months, or a year, things change and he just isn’t there for me anymore. He starts “forgetting” plans we’ve made, not including me in activities, changing the rules. I’m not good at confrontation, so I seem to just let the distance grow while frantically trying to bring us back closer together. Eventually, he just ends it with the “It’s not you, it’s me” spiel. What can I do moving forward besides giving up entirely?
— Done With Men on Dumbarton
Dear Done With Men:
Wisdom comes with age, and it sounds like congratulations are in order for identifying a pattern in your past relationships! That’s really the first step in making a change: figuring out what we’ve done before that just isn’t working.
You have described the classic relationship trajectory. We all start off in the romantic stage, with its popping hormones, long-term fantasizing and believing we’ve found a kindred spirit who knows us inside out without even having to finish a sentence. That’s nature’s trick for getting us into a relationship. Soon, however, our brain chemistry changes, and we enter the power struggle phase. It sounds like this is the part that trips you up, and you’re not alone. You say you don’t like confrontation, so you allow the walls between you and your would-be soulmate to build thicker and thicker. You may be using unconscious tools to try to drag him back into deep connection — tools like passive aggression, controlling behavior, pouting, etc. Meanwhile, he also may be using his own tools to maintain his safe distance: isolating himself, forgetting your plans together, acting like it’s not his problem. The result is the classic push-and-pull scenario, until the loving bonds break under the stress. The power struggle is survived only through awareness and communication. When you both understand what you need to feel safe in relationship, then you both are able to start giving back to it.
Getting clear about your own expectations can really help you move toward a more conscious dating experience. What are your top 10 wants in a boyfriend? Do your past relationships reflect those desires? If they don’t, maybe your unconscious self is searching out a different kind of person. Taking the time to figure out what that part of you is looking for and why may result in a better match next time.
Dear Stacy:
My wife and I have been happily married for 10 years. We had our second baby two months ago, and now my wife doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. She makes it very difficult for us to be physical — bringing our infant into the bedroom, always telling me how tired she is, breaking down and crying whenever I try to talk with her about our sex life. She used to be a runner and returned to her exercise routine immediately after our first son was born, but this time she has no motivation. She has stopped taking care of her appearance: she has gained weight, rarely wears makeup, still dresses in her maternity clothes, zones out in front of the TV. I’ve tried talking with her about it, but it usually ends in a fight after which she retreats from me and our kids, putting even more of the household burdens on me. I’m wondering if having kids was a huge mistake and if this means my marriage is permanently damaged.
— In Reserve on Reservoir
Dear Reservoir:
I can hear the earnestness in your words and can imagine you are anxious for a solution. But I also hear something else in your letter that may not be so obvious to someone sitting right inside your relationship — it sounds as if your wife may be severely depressed.
If every mom who wasn’t interested in sex so soon after giving birth was diagnosed with depression, antidepressants would be included in every box of diapers. In other words, a lagging sexual drive at eight weeks post-pregnancy is not unusual. But your wife’s disinterest compounds some of the other symptoms you named. Postpartum depression (PPD) afflicts approximately 10 percent of new mothers — that means it’s likely at least one mom in your playgroup suffers from it, or will during their childbearing years. The marked contrast between your wife’s first and second pregnancies sounds like a red flag — as is the lack of interest in her appearance, tendency to break down when confronted and gaping at the television.
The good news is that PPD is highly treatable with therapy and medication. Helping your wife find support, while letting her know you will be patient as she heals, is the very best option. At the same time, supporting someone dealing with depression can be difficult. Finding your own resources — confiding in a friend, counseling, or hiring a babysitter so you can have some time off — is also a valuable gift to you both.
Dear Stacy:
My mother-in-law has always been overbearing and too into my business. She asks blunt questions at inappropriate times (e.g. She inquired, “How exactly are you going to lose weight before the wedding?” AT OUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY!). We have had some good times over the years, and I hoped we had grown closer now that we’ve given her her first grandchild. But my son is three and going through normal developmental steps, she continues to question my judgment about parenting, particularly asking blunt questions about whether he might have autism (he is not autistic in any way) or if he’s inherited my family’s “bigger boned” genes. I want to tell her off, but I know that wouldn’t be productive in the long run. Still, I think my frustration with her is obvious to everyone, including my son, and I don’t want him to develop animosity toward her either.
— Put-out on P Street
Dear Put-Out:
The irritating mother-in-law may be a tired cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason — it comes up a lot!
Your frustration sounds entirely legitimate, and recognizing that your simmering bitterness might rub off on Junior shows even more self-awareness on your part. So let’s channel that effort into realizing that the fantasy that having a baby might magically change the person she is was just that, a fantasy, and she’s not doing anything new or different from the way she’s acted all the years you’ve known her son. That said, it is your job to protect your family from negative influences.
You haven’t mentioned your dear husband’s opinion on all of this, which suggests one of two things. Either he has no opinion because you haven’t shared your frustration with him, or he has chosen to ignore you both on this topic. Feeling like we aren’t alone in our struggles can be a major part of rising above insecurity. If you take the time to calmly, safely, carefully talk with him about your concerns, I imagine he might have some helpful advice for moving forward — whether that means enduring her negativity together, making a family decision to avoid her entirely, or sharing tips for how to get her to hear your side.
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago relationship therapist practicing at the Imago Center of DC in Georgetown. This column should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Please send your relationship questions to stacy@georgetowner.com.
Murphy’s Love: Step-Parenting
• October 8, 2014
Dear Stacy:
I am a new stepparent to a young (preschool-age) child and could not be happier about my new family. I get along great with the child and my new wife is welcoming me into their lives (the biological father is not in the picture). I am wondering, though, how to proceed in the future. What is the right balance to strike as the child gets older and needs more discipline? As I will be the primary male caretaker, I don’t want to make any mistakes. Please advise.
– New Dad
Dear New Dad
I appreciate that you are going with the label of “New Dad,” because that’s exactly the right mindset for this. But as such, I’d primarily recommend that you release the goal of not making any mistakes – that’s just not realistic.Being a parent means you make mistakes. A great starting point is recognizing that this is inevitable because that will make you more receptive to feedback and assistance from others – and once you lower your defenses about them, you will find that those two things are your very best tools as New Dad.
Speaking of feedback and assistance, start with New Wife. She’s the parent who has been in the picture the longest, and (at least for now) what she says, goes. Following her lead is a simple guideline to get you started. I also suggest that you two become very deliberate about your co-parenting. Just as I would recommend ongoing marriage counseling (build a relationship with a therapist so that you can go back for regular tune-ups) to help you both be heard and understood as you grow into your partnership, think about finding a place you can learn about co-parenting together. Take some time to discuss your vision for your family – New Wife’s vision may be different from yours, and that’s worth knowing. I imagine that this conversation could feel difficult or contrived, but that’s not a good reason to avoid it. Trust me, an honest conversation about what you both want when things are going well can be the reminder that will help you find each other when things change (and that time is unavoidable, so be gentle with yourselves and stockpile some of the tools you will need in advance: patience, respectful communication skills, etc.).
One last point to make is that this is not necessarily going to be easy – why should it be? Being a stepparent is a complicated arrangement – but you are asking the right questions at the outset; just keep ‘em coming.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
Fun Facts on Bluemercury in Georgetown
• September 29, 2014
– During the store’s first year, Rod Stewart was being chased by fans and ran into the
store. Barry, who was behind the counter, locked the door after letting him. He spent
thousands of dollars buying gifts for friends. “I never acknowledged who he was or
said I was the owner of the company,” Barry says. “Then I turned him loose with all
these shopping bags, walking down the street.”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger used to buy a large-size toothbrush called the Supersmile
toothbrush.
– Anna Nicole Smith was staying at the Four Seasons and would have her limo drive her
a half a block to get a facial.
– Aerosmith would come into town and order products to be delivered backstage.
– Goldie Hawn, who is fro Bethesda, used to stop in often. Mary Louise Parker too.
– The Becks came up with the name Bluemercury while sitting on the floor of Barnes &
Noble on M Street, poring over books. Marla’s favorite color is blue, and Barry, looking
in astrological books, liked “mercury,” associated with speed, plus Mercury was the god
of information. They took the name to their board of directors, who hated it and asked
them to do focus groups. Barry said, “Does anyone know what Starbucks is?” The name
stayed.
Yoga Your Way Through Georgetown
• September 25, 2014
On a short walk through Georgetown, you will see countless men and women with a rolled up yoga mat under their arm. Yoga as a form of exercise has gained great popularity in recent years, with studios popping up in countless neighborhoods across the country. Georgetown has been hit particularly hard by the exercise trend, which is popular among area residents, students and professionals alike.
Yoga Del Sol, one of the most popular studios in the neighborhood, is an oasis of meditation. Centrally located on the second floor of a building on bustling Wisconsin Ave., the studio brings in variety of practitioners from beginners to experts, tourists to lifetime Georgetown residents.
Owner Diego Del Sol has been studying yoga and other healing arts for over 20 years and has been sharing his talents of the practices with students since 1997. His 1519 Wisconsin Ave. NW studio seamlessly captures Diego’s gentle and calming presence. Inspired by his mother and her home, del Sol brings fresh air in from the open windows to set the zen mood of the space against the studio’s rustic brick walls. During class, he emphasizes the connection between body and breath to work on dissolving the body’s tension and the mind’s anxiety. He constantly walks his way around the room to aid students’ in finding the right position.
Before opening his studio in Washington, Diego taught for 10 years at Yoga Tree, one of the top studios in yoga-centric San Francisco. There, he became a highly-respected teacher and was voted “Best Private Yoga Instructor” in the Bay area by San Francisco Magazine.
Diego incorporates the Five Tibetan Rites into his classes, which are traditional exercises that emphasize a continuous sequence of movement rather than static positions. This dynamic practice stretches the muscles in the body, increasing flexibility.
In addition to the five types of yoga classes, Yoga Del Sol offers workshops for students who wish to enhance core strength and master balancing postures, as well as explore proper nutrition for improved overall health. The studio is popular among Georgetown University students, who get discounted student rates from Diego.
[Lear more about Diego and Yoga Del Sol’s offersings at http://yoga-delsol.com/] [gallery ids="101862,137671" nav="thumbs"]
Murphy’s Love
• September 24, 2014
Dear Stacy:
My husband pays no attention to me. Period. We live separate lives under the same roof. We made a decision not to have kids before we got married, but now I realize there’s very little holding us together besides financial stress. I am thinking about having an affair with my co-worker to burn off some sexual energy. I really don’t want to divorce, but I need someone to care about me. Is this a good idea?
–Affair or no?
Dear Affair:
Nope, this is not a good idea.
But you knew that already, so let’s just cross “co-worker affair” off our list of possible remedies and get down to the real business.
You say there is little holding you two together. What does that really mean? Do you come from a place where obligation is the reason people stay together? If so, that’s part of the problem. The solution is learning the other reasons people stay together and then checking to see if you two have those reasons or can at least work to achieve them. This kind of relationship malaise is not uncommon, but it is toxic over time. Time to put in some effort on the clean up.
I’m going to recommend therapy as a place to start, but if that feels too hard right now, start with a conversation – and not the one you might be fantasizing about. That one, where you dramatically tell Husband you are considering an affair with a co-worker. That one is not going to end the way you want it to, with a declaration of love on your husband’s part and a renewed sense of lasting intimacy. The better conversation needs to be about you feeling like he has no interest in you and the impact that has on your own functioning (e.g. “When I feel like you don’t see me, I feel lonely and abandoned…”). Channel your needs back into the relationship – at least for a little while – so you can see if there’s anything left to grow between you.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
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Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships
• September 10, 2014
Dear Stacy:
After this just-starting school year, my husband and I are facing an empty nest. Due to some special needs in our family, we have spent much of the last 10 years focusing on our (now thriving) children. I think we have both been looking forward to them leaving the nest so we can finally focus on ourselves, but I realize that I am a little worried about being left alone together. We haven’t been very connected to one another throughout the last decade, and the idea of returning to an empty house and just looking at each other seems so depressing to me.
–Stressed about the Nest
Dear Stressed:
I am impressed that you are naming this fear so far in advance. Commonly, that’s the kind of unconscious concern that shows up in other forms like relentless nitpicking, public passive aggression, or addictive behaviors that numb us to our real pain. Personally, I have seen that the transition to an empty nest can be particularly isolating. But why, when so many of us actively fantasize about getting our lives “back” once Junior is successfully launched? Here’s my take: too many of us make our lives child-centric for too long. When we finally reach the finish line (a.k.a. graduation, moving out, whatever) we realize we have lost our skills at being intimate partners in favor of being co-parents.
When I say “intimate partners” I am not just talking about sex, although that’s often the reason couples finally get themselves to counseling. Rather, intimate partners are couples who turn toward each other when making decisions and setting goals. This is often a stark contrast to how we parent our teenagers, who need to be voting members in those conversations. You don’t need to change how you have been parenting, but you do need to focus on the times when you aren’t in parent-mode.
Quick fix? Make plans to get reconnected, starting now. Reinstitute date night. Start a list of things you want to do together when Junior moves out, and include easy ones (e.g., take more walks together) as well as big time fantasies (e.g., move to a new place, take a long vacation). Make sure you are incorporating appreciations into your daily life. Even if you do this already, I would imagine much of that gratitude is expressed regarding the ways each of you has been caring for Junior(s). Start to refocus that positivity on the things between you. If you need guidance feel free to use my go-to appreciations categories: what you look like, what you do, and who you are. You can make this better, but it will take some time and talk to get there.
Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
Murphy’s Love:
• August 20, 2014
Dear Stacy:
My sister-in-law and I are great friends. We live near one another and spend a lot of time together, even when our husbands are not around. I just learned that she is pregnant and although her pregnancy isn’t really a surprise, she doesn’t know that I have been trying to get pregnant for more than a year. My husband and I have started working with a fertility clinic, but it’s not something I want to talk about yet. She wants to talk about everything, though, and it’s making it hard to be around her. Yes, I am jealous, but I’m also sad and pretty irritated that she is so clueless. What can I do?
–Don’t Wanna Talk About It
Dear Don’t:
I am so sorry you have to manage the stress of fertility treatments plus the very-human cocktail of jealousy and anger you describe. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating that there’s little point in pretending you don’t have these feelings. We don’t talk ourselves out of our feelings – we can talk ourselves out of acting on them, but the feelings get to stay.
The trouble with your letter is that you are suffering a deep disappointment, but also expecting Sister-in-Law to read your mind. She’s not “clueless,” she’s being kept in the dark. You get to have all the information and she gets judged for not being more sensitive. That’s not fair. If you are the great friends you say you are, I would hope that you could trust her enough to bring her in on all you are facing. There is a middle space between fawning over her good news and acknowledging your own pain – that’s where real friendships are born.
But if the time still is not right to disclose your information, then you will have to decide how to manage your frustrations on your own. That could mean avoiding her altogether, risking long-term damage to your relationship, or putting on a happy face when you are together, which could be seen as fake and confusing to others. In any event, lay off the name-calling before you actually give her the chance to show up and be the support you really might need.
Healers Behind the Still Point Spas Host Toma Skin Therapies Pop-Up Party
• August 18, 2014
Good news for the skincare obsessed: Toma Skin Therapies has officially landed in Washington. On Aug. 4, beauty and wellness gurus Tori Paide and Marla Peoples transported their celebrated wellness destination, the Still Point spas, to the heart of D.C. The entrepreneurial duo welcomed a slew of media attendees and D.C. notables to the pop-up event at Luxxery Express on Wisconsin Avenue. Attendees enjoyed express treatments from the wellness spa’s skilled practitioners, including hand and scalp massages and sonic dermabrasion services. [gallery ids="101829,139189,139194,139206,139185,139204,139200" nav="thumbs"]
Murphy’s Love
• August 6, 2014
Dear Stacy:
My husband, the father of my three children, is cheating on me. This is not the first time and we’ve been through therapy and sex addiction groups and all the rest of the things you do when your husband is a serial cheater. The truth is that I don’t want to live with this anymore. I don’t want to work on it. But my husband is very smart, ambitious, and tech-savvy. I imagine that he will have a lot of things to throw at me in a courtroom and I am scared about leaving him as a result. I don’t know what to do.
–Not Sure What’s Next
Dear Not Sure:
I can imagine it took quite a long time, and a variety of disappointments, to get you to the point of saying you don’t want to live with this anymore. I’m not going to talk you out of that. And I’m not going to talk you into more couples therapy and relationship exploration. Sometimes we just can’t work our way out of the web of resentment spun by infidelity. Sometimes we have to listen to our bodies when they tell us that we can’t take any more.
From your description, it sounds like you expect a fight from Husband. What do we do when we know we’re in for a fight? We start training. We gather resources. We make a plan. You need a guide to get this going and it’s not going to be a newspaper columnist: call a lawyer today. Look for someone with a specialty in helping women with children. Get someone smart. Make sure you feel confident in your decision and then trust Smart Lawyer’s advice.
At the same time, gather your own people around you. Family, friends, neighbors, a new supportive counselor – consider all of your options. You are going to need a support network and it’s always best to have those people in place before you drop the bomb that you’re onto him and you’re leaving.
Finally, stop putting yourself in the subordinate position by saying you “don’t know” what to do. You do know what to do. You might be afraid of it, but you know what to do.
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
