Body & Soul

Josef Brandenburg • April 23, 2015

Thanks to warmer temperatures and the celebrity buzz, more and more people are thinking about losing weight and getting healthier with the help of cleanses. Most will be disappointed. The central idea behind all cleanses or detox diets is that we’re sick and fat because our bodies are saddled with excessive toxins. By adhering to these very low calorie, often liquid-only diets – goes the pitch – we can detox, become healthy and lose weight quickly.

Scientists, medical doctors and legitimate nutritionists disagree, and generally don’t even believe that “detoxing” exists. According to Professor Alan Boobis OBE, toxicologist at Imperial College London’s Division of Medicine:

The body’s own detoxification systems are remarkably sophisticated and versatile. They have to be, as the natural environment that we evolved in is hostile. It is remarkable that people are prepared to risk seriously disrupting these systems with unproven ‘detox’ diets, which could well do more harm than good.

Very low calorie diets are also known as crash diets or semi-starvation diets in scientific literature. While these diets can help you lose weight very rapidly, they also fail 98 percent of the time. That is, 98 percent of the people on these diets regain everything they’ve lost, or everything plus interest.

These diets also become progressively less effective for the initial weight-loss boost because they negatively impact your metabolism, sex hormones, muscle mass and thyroid function.

Health and fitness expert Mark Fisher sums up cleanses nicely: “If eating food leaves you full of toxins. . .perhaps we should seriously consider the quality of the food you eat.” Losing weight is easy, but keeping it off is the hardest and most important part.

Your long-term success is mostly dependent on how you lose the weight in the first place. Quick weight-loss is sexy, and it sells $200 cleansing kits, but it almost always fails you. Instead, by focusing on small, manageable habit changes that you can stick to, you set yourself up for progressive success, building a lifestyle that will deliver the health and fitness you want for a lifetime – not just a weekend.

A best-selling author and fitness expert with 16 years of experience, Josef Brandenburg owns The Body You Want club in Georgetown. Information about his 14-Day Personal Training Experience may be found at TheBodyYouWant.com.

Georgetowner • April 22, 2015

Dear Stacy,

My husband cheated on me in the past. We have tried to do everything to get through it, including therapy. But it’s still hard for me not to question everything he does, even when we’ve worked so hard to get over it. We have kids, a mortgage, a good life, but on a regular basis I find myself thinking about whether I can trust him. I am wondering how other women get over this. Is it normal to just accept it because you have the kids and the marriage, or am I kidding myself that this can ever get better?

– Want to Forgive

Dear Forgive:

Your question goes to the heart of what forgiveness really is. It’s not about wiping the slate clean in a way that causes you to forget a betrayal. It’s something the betrayed person actually has to give the betrayer, sometimes every single minute. No, Husband doesn’t deserve to feel like a criminal every day, but he’s going to have to expect that you will be wary whenever he comes home late. That’s probably going to be part of the marriage for the rest of your lives, and it’s because of his choices, not yours.

But remember, it takes a progress-stalling toll when one person appears to forgive and then snaps right back to that place of anger and frustration. Therapy can help (and, yes, it can be irritatingly slow, but rewiring the brain to turn an unsafe person back into a safe person does take time), but sometimes forgiveness is a choice we have to make again and again. Which is why having the kids and mortgage can be helpful: They anchor you to the very hard work of renewing the marriage.

While we don’t talk enough publicly about sensitive issues – infidelity, infertility, disability, etc. – to truly normalize them, as someone who listens to people talk about them daily, I can say that all of us (repeat: all of us) have “something” to manage in our relationships. Commitment is both highly difficult and highly rewarding. This valuable coin comes with two sides.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Caitlin Franz • April 14, 2015

?“We’re thrilled to open our largest studio yet in the heart of our nation’s capital,” announced Ruth Zukerman, co-founder of Flywheel Sports, known for its intense indoor cycling and barre classes. “Given that Washington, D.C., is one of America’s healthiest cities, we understand the need to provide the most effective, results-driven workout – a product that we consistently deliver every single day.”

The company’s Dupont Circle neighborhood location at 1927 Florida Ave. NW offers stadium-style seating, custom bikes, as well as complimentary towels, indoor cycling shoes and seat cushions for riders. It is Flywheel’s 33rd location in the U.S.

Since its founding in February 2010, Flywheel has combined technology with its work-outs to help participants track their results. The new D.C. studio also features the TorqBoard, which allows riders to view their resistance, speed and power. Riders may choose to have their names displayed on flat-screen at the front of every studio, which allows for friendly competition in the classes. After each ride, comprehensive data is stored and made available to riders on an individual Performance Page, which can be found at www.flywheelsports.com.

Additionally, the two-story facility offers FlyBarre, which features a series of small, intense interval exercises choreographed to contemporary music. These classes are designed to target the arm, abdominal and thigh muscles.

Both Flywheel and FlyBarre individual classes start at $28. Flywheel spinning shoes are included in that price. For class times and more information, you can visit www.flywheelsports.com or call 202-830-0755.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • April 13, 2015

Dear Stacy,

My wife is not interested in sex. She never really has been, but ever since we’ve had kids, she’s just unavailable for me. We have a great partnership otherwise, and have no real interest in divorce. I really love her and the family we’ve built. But I’m completely unfulfilled physically. I don’t want an open relationship. I know that I could not handle the jealousy of that, but I am thinking about allowing myself the pleasure of female companionship when and if it is offered to me. I do not travel often for work, but could increase that, and I think that would allow me the freedom I need to remain in my marriage. My question to you is this: do you have any other ideas before I give this one a try?
– Frequent Traveler

Dear Traveler:

Do I have any ideas before you cheat on your wife? Seriously? You are leaving this up to me?

Okay, if I get to be in charge, my answer is an emphatic “NO.”

No, you do not get to allow yourself the “pleasure” of extramarital companionship. No, you do not get to change your work schedule to allow you more time to roam the hotel bars and airport concourses, hoping that something is “offered” to you. No, you do not get to rationalize that this is the only way to maintain your marriage and that “otherwise” great partnership.

I’m saying no to all of those things because it’s a delusion to think that stepping outside your marriage for physical pleasure will do anything but harm your relationship with your wife. It will. The fantasy of it already has harmed your marriage, I would bet. So let’s stop playing pretend.

You have at least a tiny sense of self-awareness that helps you see that you, yourself, could not handle an open relationship. That’s good news, because open relationships take a lot of work and self-examination, and you don’t sound up to that challenge. Let’s be clear: the female companionship of your dreams is one-sided. It’s easy. It has no strings. Of course it sounds amazing, but even if you find it, when that fantasy is over – SCENE: when you come home from the fake business trip and are met at the door by a screaming kid – you will put Wife in the position of being a disappointment or, worse, the object keeping you from returning to that fantasy space. And then you have resentment, a toxic chemical that you ought to be familiar with already, since that’s what has fueled this storyline about being able to find physical fulfillment outside your marriage without an impact on that partnership.

So let’s look at dealing with the existing resentment before you add more to the mix. Take your Great Partnership to a sex therapist. You need an impartial, skilled guide to help you with this conversation. Honestly, the conclusion could be that you actually do get what you’re dreaming of whenever you are on a “business trip.” But you don’t get to skip the hard work to negotiate that agreement without deeply damaging the family you say you value so much.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Georgetowner • April 8, 2015

Dear Stacy:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for three years. We are both in our early 30s, and get along great. We have talked about marriage since we first started dating (five years ago), but so far, no proposal. I know he wants to have a family in the long-term, and I know he loves me, so I don’t know why we aren’t moving forward. When I bring it up, he tells me he will know when it’s right, but that’s the end of the discussion. I don’t like how much power this seems to give him in our relationship, but I know I want to marry him and it seems like he’s less sure about me. I am wondering how much longer I should wait. I set a mental deadline of the end of this year, but I wonder if I should tell him that if we aren’t engaged by then, I’m leaving?
–Ready to Marry

Dear Ready:

Let’s start by saying, congratulations on knowing what you want. That’s honestly a big step – as many people find themselves in your situation and assume that marriage is what they should want, but don’t give the deeper questions much thought (fast forward a few years, find themselves in a counselor’s office, and realize they never really wanted to build a marriage together in the first place). You know what you want. Boyfriend knows what you want. The rest is a little murky. Let’s look at why that is.

Scenario #1: Boyfriend is unsure. Truly. He needs “more time.” That is understandable, but the question that needs to be asked is not “Why do you need more time?” Rather, “What are you doing with that time?” Is he soul searching? Is he talking to you about his concerns? Is he in therapy? If “No” or “Not yet” is the answer to these questions, then you need to pay attention to how that feels.

Scenario #2: Boyfriend is sure. He has a ring. He’s got a plan in motion. You are going to be swept off your feet – lucky you.

Scenario #3: Boyfriend is sure. He does not want to marry you. He doesn’t know how to tell you. He is waiting it out so that you get so irritated, you give him an ultimatum and force yourself into a corner.

Your mental deadline is an ultimatum of sorts. I’m not against setting a boundary like this, I just want to make sure you are comfortable with the outcome, either way. I understand that you are thinking about marrying this person, so the dissolution of this relationship may never feel “comfortable,” but that’s the only way an ultimatum works – you have to be willing to accept the consequences (NOTE: have your support network queued up and ready). If you are not ready to walk away, then don’t tell him about your deadline, instead, ask the questions from scenario #1 and see where that takes you. If you are comfortable with the possible results – pro and con – then I think waiting and seeing may be an excuse to put off the inevitable. This all starts with you, have the conversation with yourself before you bring Boyfriend into it. Good luck.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • March 11, 2015

Dear Stacy,

*I am pretty frustrated about my living situation. My roommate’s boyfriend practically lives with us and pays no rent. He sleeps in late, so I have to be quiet when I get up in the morning. He doesn’t contribute to the household utilities and never does any chores – so even when I am doing my half, it feels like he is getting away with something. He’s not my boyfriend. No, he’s not a bad guy, but he’s NOT my boyfriend. I have held my tongue this long, I think, because I imagine that when I have a serious boyfriend, I would like for him to feel welcome in my home as well. But this is too much and I don’t know how to broach the subject with my roommate. We have a good situation, but this is getting more and more difficult every day. I know this isn’t a relationship issue, exactly, but I’m at the end of my rope.*

– Biting my Tongue

Dear Biting:

Ugh, what an uncomfortable situation. You sound like someone who has put up with a lot. It’s time to give some voice to your frustrations.

First, a little educatiwon about frustrations. They are like yeast. If you don’t use them productively – for instance, as a motivator to make changes – those frustrations grow and grow, until they take up all the space in the room. Allowing your frustrations about Roommate’s egregious open-door policy to expand will definitely ruin the “good situation” you have been enjoying. It’s time to get your feelings on the table.

I really appreciate your analysis of your own motivation. It makes sense that if you are eminently cool about Not Your Boyfriend’s presence in your home, it stands to reason that when Future Boyfriend shows up, he will get the same treatment. In therapy, that’s what we call modeling behavior (the rest of the world calls it the Golden Rule).

But let’s follow that thought all the way through to the end. Without some ground rules, wouldn’t Roommate end up feeling like you in that situation? Why not model a healthy way of confronting the issue instead? This actually is a “relationship issue,” one that we can use as a practice swing so you can build up your self-advocacy skills.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*

Josef Brandenburg •

When it’s 25 degrees below freezing, it’s hard to believe that Memorial Day Weekend (the unofficial first day of summer) is only 86 days away. Feeling and looking your best makes beach and pool time much more enjoyable. And being proactive about your fitness keeps you from being tempted to do something dangerous or unsustainable.

1. Use combination moves. These exercises are great for total body toning and revving up your metabolism, working nearly all the muscles in your body at once. The most effective combo moves combine an upper-body and a lower-body movement. Two examples are squat to row and split squat to overhead.

2. Drink half your body weight in ounces. This will help curb your appetite, allow for more workout intensity and improve your recovery. Often people confuse thirst for hunger. Proper hydration allows you to cool off more efficiently during exercise, which delays fatigue. Proper hydration also improves circulation, enhancing recovery and results.

3. Non-competing pairs. Structure your workouts for maximum time efficiency and effectiveness with non-competing pairs of exercises. Upper- and lower-body exercises make great pairs. An example of this are push-ups and deadlifts. The push-ups will tax your upper body, and while those muscles are recovering you can work your butt and thighs with the deadlift. This allows for local muscle recovery for maximum safety and intensity in minimal time.

4. Eat about three times per day. Fewer meals lead to a healthier metabolism and a better regulated appetite. Eating lots of small meals actually makes you hungrier and less satisfied with what you’ve eaten, even when the calories are the same.

5. Use power moves. Fast, explosive movements stimulate your metabolism in ways that slower exercise can’t. For most people starting out, this means throwing or slamming a medicine ball. These moves are easy to learn, very safe and require you to get your entire body involved to do them well.

A best-selling author and fitness expert with 16 years of experience, Josef Brandenburg owns The Body You Want club in Georgetown. Information about his 14-Day Personal Training Experience may be found at TheBodyYouWant.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy,

I have read online that being kind to one another is one of the hallmarks of a good marriage. I know that my husband and I fail at this more often than not, and it’s so discouraging. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our 15 years together. I think the transition to becoming parents was not as blissful as we both expected. While negative comments between us are not the norm, negative energy is, and I know we are not modeling good behavior for our kids. So if I know that kindness is so important, why is it so hard for me to be kind to him? I set my intentions to be nice, but it’s just hard to change things midstream. Any advice?

– Trying to Be Kind

Dear Trying:

First, I want to applaud something you already know, and already stated: you are trying. Trying is 90 percent of the battle sometimes. Getting past the strong defenses built up by years of frustration and resentment, just so you can try to be kind because a piece of you wants a better relationship? That’s hard, hard work. So you are trying. And you should keep trying! But I have just one question.

Does Husband know you are trying?

What I mean is, are you talking about how hard it is for the two of you to be kind right now? Are you talking about your efforts to improve things? Is he reading the same stuff online that you are reading? Is improving your marriage actually on the table right now? If, instead, you are doing all of this covertly, hoping to improve things without ever coming clean about the impact of it all – well, I hate to be blunt here, but that’s not going to work. It’s like a crash diet: an extreme change in behavior without any of the support required to make it last. How about we come up with a real plan?

I suspect that your online research relates to John Gottman’s groundbreaking finding that stable, happy couples have an average of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Your attempts at kindness are an excellent way of boosting the plus column, but you need more. If you and Husband had a conversation about wanting to make things better in this way, he might be more tuned-in when you offer those kind words, and much more likely to reciprocate.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Georgetowner •

Dear Stacy,

I am the person who wrote a month ago about my strained friendship with one of my best friends from my mid-20s. We are now both married with new babies, and I was hoping to get back to being close with her, but she never responded. You advised me to reach out one more time, just to know that I had tried absolutely everything I could. Well, I did. I was met with a response that seemed genuine, but, looking back, not exactly “deep.” She told me she was not angry at me, but was excited to be a new mom with me, and promised that we would spend more time together.

Before any of that could happen, I sent a message sharing news about my little one (serious medical scare, which after extensive testing turned out to be a less serious diagnosis). She replied instantly – which made me so happy – with encouragement. Then, about 30 seconds later, I received a new message from her, definitely not meant for me, conveying my news to someone else, along with a snarky comment about me no longer being able to grandstand about my child’s medical scare. I was shocked. I replied immediately that I was sad to read this, but that, at the very least, it confirmed what I had been thinking all along. She had been angry at me, had been unwilling to talk about it and was gossiping with others about it. Her response was minimal. My question to you is, what’s next? Is there anything I can do?

– Is This The End?

Dear End:

Wow. I don’t know if this is the end for this relationship, but I will say that if you think it’s time to end it, you’ve got my vote.
Who among us hasn’t sent an email or a text to the wrong recipient? We all know the shame of realizing that it’s not erasable, but rather a permanent part of the way the other person will view us. But most of us choose to make amends in that moment.

To be honest, to be truthful even though it hurts – at this point, we’re already hurt, so why not go further? – is the only option when something like this happens. But if Friend replied with a “minimal” response and doesn’t take real steps to apologize now, I think the writing is on the wall.

That writing, by the way, is that you have done all you can do. Sure, Friend clearly has something going on with her, but she’s not shared that info, so you can stop filling in the blanks that would make her mistreatment okay with you. When you saw that she had betrayed you to someone else, your immediate response was a matter-of-fact, “Well this makes sense now,” instead of a giant screed about her rudeness and lack of empathy. That reads to me like serious self-restraint. Keep it up, because you need to heal from this.

Sometimes we have done all we can do, and just need permission to let it go. Give yourself that permission (ahem, you don’t really need it from me). I understand that she meant something to you in the past, but this relationship doesn’t seem like it’s giving you anything valuable in the present tense.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.