Body & Soul

Georgetowner • September 24, 2014

Dear Stacy:

My husband pays no attention to me. Period. We live separate lives under the same roof. We made a decision not to have kids before we got married, but now I realize there’s very little holding us together besides financial stress. I am thinking about having an affair with my co-worker to burn off some sexual energy. I really don’t want to divorce, but I need someone to care about me. Is this a good idea?

–Affair or no?

Dear Affair:

Nope, this is not a good idea.
But you knew that already, so let’s just cross “co-worker affair” off our list of possible remedies and get down to the real business.

You say there is little holding you two together. What does that really mean? Do you come from a place where obligation is the reason people stay together? If so, that’s part of the problem. The solution is learning the other reasons people stay together and then checking to see if you two have those reasons or can at least work to achieve them. This kind of relationship malaise is not uncommon, but it is toxic over time. Time to put in some effort on the clean up.

I’m going to recommend therapy as a place to start, but if that feels too hard right now, start with a conversation – and not the one you might be fantasizing about. That one, where you dramatically tell Husband you are considering an affair with a co-worker. That one is not going to end the way you want it to, with a declaration of love on your husband’s part and a renewed sense of lasting intimacy. The better conversation needs to be about you feeling like he has no interest in you and the impact that has on your own functioning (e.g. “When I feel like you don’t see me, I feel lonely and abandoned…”). Channel your needs back into the relationship – at least for a little while – so you can see if there’s anything left to grow between you.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
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Georgetowner • September 10, 2014

Dear Stacy:
After this just-starting school year, my husband and I are facing an empty nest. Due to some special needs in our family, we have spent much of the last 10 years focusing on our (now thriving) children. I think we have both been looking forward to them leaving the nest so we can finally focus on ourselves, but I realize that I am a little worried about being left alone together. We haven’t been very connected to one another throughout the last decade, and the idea of returning to an empty house and just looking at each other seems so depressing to me.
–Stressed about the Nest

Dear Stressed:

I am impressed that you are naming this fear so far in advance. Commonly, that’s the kind of unconscious concern that shows up in other forms like relentless nitpicking, public passive aggression, or addictive behaviors that numb us to our real pain. Personally, I have seen that the transition to an empty nest can be particularly isolating. But why, when so many of us actively fantasize about getting our lives “back” once Junior is successfully launched? Here’s my take: too many of us make our lives child-centric for too long. When we finally reach the finish line (a.k.a. graduation, moving out, whatever) we realize we have lost our skills at being intimate partners in favor of being co-parents.

When I say “intimate partners” I am not just talking about sex, although that’s often the reason couples finally get themselves to counseling. Rather, intimate partners are couples who turn toward each other when making decisions and setting goals. This is often a stark contrast to how we parent our teenagers, who need to be voting members in those conversations. You don’t need to change how you have been parenting, but you do need to focus on the times when you aren’t in parent-mode.

Quick fix? Make plans to get reconnected, starting now. Reinstitute date night. Start a list of things you want to do together when Junior moves out, and include easy ones (e.g., take more walks together) as well as big time fantasies (e.g., move to a new place, take a long vacation). Make sure you are incorporating appreciations into your daily life. Even if you do this already, I would imagine much of that gratitude is expressed regarding the ways each of you has been caring for Junior(s). Start to refocus that positivity on the things between you. If you need guidance feel free to use my go-to appreciations categories: what you look like, what you do, and who you are. You can make this better, but it will take some time and talk to get there.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Georgetowner • August 20, 2014

Dear Stacy:

My sister-in-law and I are great friends. We live near one another and spend a lot of time together, even when our husbands are not around. I just learned that she is pregnant and although her pregnancy isn’t really a surprise, she doesn’t know that I have been trying to get pregnant for more than a year. My husband and I have started working with a fertility clinic, but it’s not something I want to talk about yet. She wants to talk about everything, though, and it’s making it hard to be around her. Yes, I am jealous, but I’m also sad and pretty irritated that she is so clueless. What can I do?

–Don’t Wanna Talk About It

Dear Don’t:
I am so sorry you have to manage the stress of fertility treatments plus the very-human cocktail of jealousy and anger you describe. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating that there’s little point in pretending you don’t have these feelings. We don’t talk ourselves out of our feelings – we can talk ourselves out of acting on them, but the feelings get to stay.

The trouble with your letter is that you are suffering a deep disappointment, but also expecting Sister-in-Law to read your mind. She’s not “clueless,” she’s being kept in the dark. You get to have all the information and she gets judged for not being more sensitive. That’s not fair. If you are the great friends you say you are, I would hope that you could trust her enough to bring her in on all you are facing. There is a middle space between fawning over her good news and acknowledging your own pain – that’s where real friendships are born.

But if the time still is not right to disclose your information, then you will have to decide how to manage your frustrations on your own. That could mean avoiding her altogether, risking long-term damage to your relationship, or putting on a happy face when you are together, which could be seen as fake and confusing to others. In any event, lay off the name-calling before you actually give her the chance to show up and be the support you really might need.

Georgetowner • August 18, 2014

Good news for the skincare obsessed: Toma Skin Therapies has officially landed in Washington. On Aug. 4, beauty and wellness gurus Tori Paide and Marla Peoples transported their celebrated wellness destination, the Still Point spas, to the heart of D.C. The entrepreneurial duo welcomed a slew of media attendees and D.C. notables to the pop-up event at Luxxery Express on Wisconsin Avenue. Attendees enjoyed express treatments from the wellness spa’s skilled practitioners, including hand and scalp massages and sonic dermabrasion services. [gallery ids="101829,139189,139194,139206,139185,139204,139200" nav="thumbs"]

Georgetowner • August 6, 2014

Dear Stacy:

My husband, the father of my three children, is cheating on me. This is not the first time and we’ve been through therapy and sex addiction groups and all the rest of the things you do when your husband is a serial cheater. The truth is that I don’t want to live with this anymore. I don’t want to work on it. But my husband is very smart, ambitious, and tech-savvy. I imagine that he will have a lot of things to throw at me in a courtroom and I am scared about leaving him as a result. I don’t know what to do.

–Not Sure What’s Next

Dear Not Sure:

I can imagine it took quite a long time, and a variety of disappointments, to get you to the point of saying you don’t want to live with this anymore. I’m not going to talk you out of that. And I’m not going to talk you into more couples therapy and relationship exploration. Sometimes we just can’t work our way out of the web of resentment spun by infidelity. Sometimes we have to listen to our bodies when they tell us that we can’t take any more.

From your description, it sounds like you expect a fight from Husband. What do we do when we know we’re in for a fight? We start training. We gather resources. We make a plan. You need a guide to get this going and it’s not going to be a newspaper columnist: call a lawyer today. Look for someone with a specialty in helping women with children. Get someone smart. Make sure you feel confident in your decision and then trust Smart Lawyer’s advice.

At the same time, gather your own people around you. Family, friends, neighbors, a new supportive counselor – consider all of your options. You are going to need a support network and it’s always best to have those people in place before you drop the bomb that you’re onto him and you’re leaving.

Finally, stop putting yourself in the subordinate position by saying you “don’t know” what to do. You do know what to do. You might be afraid of it, but you know what to do.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Georgetowner • July 24, 2014

Tour de Georgetown

By Natalie Koltun

With miles of shady trails and scenic views, D.C., offers a variety of outdoor family-friendly summer activities. Congested traffic and an increase in Metro fare have led Washingtonians to other forms of transportation. Biking is a popular summer activity for all ages and skill levels, and provides a relaxing retreat from the hustle and bustle of city life. Georgetown is home to several acclaimed bike paths, including the C & O Towpath and Capital Crescent Trail. For long-distance riders, the C & O Towpath is a National Historic Park that spans 184 miles along the Potomac River between Georgetown and Cumberland, Md. This non-paved bike path offers interesting sights along the way, including 19th-century locks from the canal’s early years and the turbulent waters of Great Falls.

Running parallel to the C & O Towpath for the first few miles is the Capital Crescent Trail, which extends from Georgetown to Silver Spring. Built as a rail-trail on the former site of the Georgetown portion of the B & O Railroad, the 13-mile trail provides an interesting path for bikers to explore, complete with a tunnel, several bridges and plenty of shade. Rock Creek Park, running from the Potomac River to the border of Maryland, is a favorite bike path for its views of the National Zoo, streams and quaint picnic areas. CycleLife USA, a full-service bike shop on K Street in Georgetown offers a range of bikes including commuter, city, mountain, road and electric made from high quality materials.

Being at the intersection of several popular biking trails in the Washington area, “…[CycleLife USA] allows us to meet and help a wide range of riders and recommend the best trails and routes to explore,” said Neil Meyer of Georgetown bike shop CycleLife USA. The store carries well-known brands such as Specialized, BMC, Moots, Parlee, Independent Fabrication and Boo, and uses specialized fitting services to adjust each bike to fit its owner. Less experienced riders who wish to ride for exercise or leisure typically opt for hybrid bikes that are suitable for a variety of terrain and riding styles, says Meyer. Big Wheel Bikes on 33rd Street carries a variety of multiuse and specialty bicycles, and offers a rental program where customers can spend a few hours or days testing a bike before purchasing. The rental bikes include hybrids, performance hybrids, triathlon bikes, mountain and road bikes, in brands such as Fuji, Bianchi, Scott and Schwinn.

For the casual rider, D.C. offers its Capital Bikeshare program for visitors, commuters and residents alike. Celebrating its fourth anniversary, the program allows riders to pick up a bike from one of the 300 stations around the Washington metropolitan area and return it at any station near your destination when finished riding. For as little as $7, bikes can be checked out for the commute to work or simply a relaxing ride along the one of the many local bike trails. Capital Bikeshare has five stations in Georgetown. For the more experienced rider, CycleLife USA offers weekly organized rides in the area where bikers can tour local routes and learn the fundamentals of group riding. Another Georgetown bike shop, Revolution Cycles hosts a 25 to 30-mile group ride to Potomac, Md. every Sunday at 8:40 a.m.

This fall, the Potomac Pedalers, a non-profit cycling club, is sponsoring a family-friendly ride for all ages and ability levels in the Shenandoah Valley. With distances of 25, 30, 50, 65 and 100 miles, cyclists can decide how far to ride. What sets this apart from other bike events in the area is the route winds through several colonial towns that influenced our nation’s foundation, including the historic towns of Middleway and Burwell-Morgan Mill, established in 1785. On Friday, August 1, experienced riders are invited to participate in the Bike to the Beach charity race to benefit Autism research and Autism Speaks. In just one day, bikers will ride 104 miles from D.C. to Dewey Beach, Del. via Annapolis.

For more information, visit [biketothebeach.org](http://www.biketothebeach.org/site/c.duIVJdNXKkL2G/b.8515825/k.BE45/Home.htm).

[CycleLife USA](http://www.cyclelifeusa.com/) is located at 3255 K St., NW.

202-333-8883

Open Monday – Friday: 8:30 a.m. – 7 p.m., Saturday: 10 a.m. – 5 p.m., Sunday: 12 p.m. – 5 p.m.

[Big Wheel Bikes](http://www.bigwheelbikes.com/) is located at 1034 33rd St., NW.

202-337-0254

[Revolution Cycles](http://revolutioncycles.com/) is located at 3411 M St., NW.

(202) 965-3601

Open Monday – Friday: 11 a.m. – 8 p.m., Saturday: 10 a.m. – 6 p.m., Sunday: 12 p.m. – 6 p.m.

Boating Under Key Bridge

By Joseph Park

Key Bridge Boathouse, one of Boating in DC’s location along the Potomac River, is celebrating their one-year anniversary of the Key Bridge location in Georgetown. The Key Bridge Boathouse has been thriving as a local business accommodating the high demand of tourists that come through Georgetown. “We are doing well as a business here in Georgetown,” said Brendan McLellan, the site lead. “We are expanding the classes we offer giving out more boating tours.”

A wide variety of classes are held throughout the week, including, kayak and paddle boarding offered in introductory and advanced levels. The boathouse also offers stand up yoga on the dock (bring your own mat) and community paddle every Saturday at 7 a.m. Participants can bring their own boards, or rent from the boathouse. Boating in DC opened up two other sites at the Potomac River, Ballpark Boathouse and National Harbor in Maryland. Rentals include canoes, kayaks, stand up paddle boards as well as twilight tours and seasonal boat storage. Seasonal passes are available for purchase for those who want to enjoy unlimited paddling in all of their locations.

“Our seasonal tickets are great, especially in the summer because we offer unlimited paddling at any of our locations and other benefits including free access to intro to Kayaking classes as well as 20 percent off any advanced level class.” McLellan said. Season passes are offered in adult singe, adult doubles and a family pass.

Boating in DC offers safety sessions throughout the day to any newcomers that come on site.

“Safety is our number one priority, McLellan said. “We hold safety sessions for anyone that is new to any of our sites. We go over the safety procedures to take when a rare case of emergency occurs and certain areas of the river that you want to avoid getting into.” McClellan says the boathouse is busy every day of the week throughout the summer and hosted a number of paddle boarders on July 4 to catch the fireworks. Key Bridge Boathouse is located at the end of K Street in Georgetown. Open 8 a.m. – 8 p.m. through September. Visit [BoatingInDC.com](http://boatingindc.com/) for more information and class schedules. [gallery ids="101815,139847" nav="thumbs"]

Stacy Notaras Murphy • July 22, 2014

*Dear Stacy:*

*My husband and I have been trying for baby #3 for about a year. We had quick pregnancies before, but I’m older now, and I think that’s having an impact on our results. My husband seems to shrug off each negative test, and is enthusiastic about trying again, but I can’t let it go. It’s more than just being disappointed in the moment. I feel defeated and defective, but secretly, I think I might be a little relieved. I recently realized I’m not that interested in trying again. I don’t know how to tell him that I’m done with this. I think a family of four is just fine, but I know he has his heart set on this. What can I do?*

*–Four is Fine*

Dear Four:

You are right – four is fine. What’s not fine is feeling bad about yourself as you recognize that you really might be ok with your family of four. Keeping all of this from Husband is about as un-fine as you can get. Short answer: tell him ASAP. Read further for the long answer.

Consider this: there is a chance that his happy-faced enthusiasm is a cover for his own complicated feelings about the circumstances. Meanwhile, there also is a chance that you will become pregnant before you even read this response – and you might continue to feel this ambivalence throughout your pregnancy. The central relationship issue is not whether you have another baby – though the babymaking process invites a unique form of tunnel vision – it’s whether you and Husband can talk about your feelings honestly.

For many, the getting pregnant process has become similar to the getting married process – the wedding date has become interchangeable with the nine months of (so-called) blissful pregnancy. But coming home after a honeymoon trip is very similar to coming home with the baby: many people focus on the getting there rather than looking at the firm foundation needed to support a family at home. And that’s not entirely hard to understand. If we all knew how hard partnering or parenting really is, we might not ever give ourselves the chance to experience it. You and Husband have weathered these storms already – you are married with children – this is a strong indication of your bond and your co-parenting skills. At best, more conversation will clarify your confused feelings and deepen your relationship – both of those are central tasks before any decisions about baby #3 ought to be made.

*[Stacy Notaras Murphy](www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*

Natalie Koltun • July 16, 2014

The beauty of eating mainly raw fruits, vegetables and legumes is you can turn your oven off for the summer.

The raw food diet is a fad that has been around for years. It emphasizes the benefits of exclusively eating uncooked foods in their natural state. Proponents claim cooking or heating of any kind diminishes most of the vitamins and minerals in food and kills natural enzymes that boost digestion and fight chronic disease. Many raw food aficionados believe this diet helps to clear headaches and allergies and boost the body’s immunity.

Even Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, has adopted the unusual diet to maintain her fit figure and radiant complexion. Popular raw dishes she enjoys include watermelon salads, gazpacho, tabbouleh and ceviche, a Latin American fish recipe.

This plant-based diet is similar to that of vegans and vegetarians. It consists of fruits, vegetables, sprouts, nuts, seeds, sprouted grains, beans and raw fish. Nutritional perks include an abundance of vitamins, minerals, fiber and antioxidants to reduce the appearance of aging. Some individuals even practice this diet to lose weight, due to the food being naturally low in calories, fat and sodium. The raw food diet is heavy in fruits and vegetables and low in saturated fat and salt and is consequently associated with healthy levels of cholesterol, blood pressure and a reduced risk of heart disease.

Though eating raw food has become popular among celebrities and royalty, it certainly has its drawbacks. Restrictive diets such as this are linked to growth problems from a potential lack of protein and are not recommended for growing children. Those who are pregnant, elderly or sick should avoid this diet due to the risk of foodborne illnesses from uncooked or unpasteurized foods.

In addition to potential health risks, adopting the raw food lifestyle certainly takes a toll on the wallet.

Specialty stores are preferred by raw foodists for their variety of organic, natural food options, yet are oftentimes pricier than a general grocery store. Once the food has been purchased, meal preparation can be quite extensive due to juicing, blending or dehydrating, which requires expensive appliances of up to several hundreds of dollars.

Another challenge faced by those who eat raw is eating out. It can be difficult to enjoy dining in restaurants because raw dishes are not standard fare on most menus. Khepra’s Raw Food Juice Bar, 402 H St., NE, is one of the few raw, organic restaurants in Washington, D.C. Khepra’s specializes in serving fresh salads, entrees, desserts and juices that are packed with vitamins and natural flavors, perfect for vegetarian or raw food customers.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • July 2, 2014

*Dear Stacy:*

*My wife reads your column, so I am hoping you and I can work together to convince her that she needs some help. She is a stay-at-home mother to our three kids, and she’s fabulous at the job. To make it possible for her to stay at home, I work long hours in a competitive field. We met when I was in law school. She has always known what kind of career I wanted, and for the most part has always been very supportive of my work.*

*In recent months, she has been very needy. She calls me at work and gets upset when I can’t make room in my schedule to talk to her. I think she is overwhelmed by the demands of her position and it is causing her to be depressed. I think she needs therapy and I am happy to pay for it. She refuses, saying she thinks the problem is our relationship. She is insisting we go to couples therapy, but I know that won’t help her. I want her to feel better and have the support I know she will get with her own counselor. Please put better words to my request. I am completely supportive of her and only want her to feel better. She needs help to do that.*

*- Wanting the Best for Her*

Dear Wanting,

I need to start by saying I do not doubt your good intentions here. Not even a little bit. But you are doing this all wrong. No one ever got better when her spouse responded to her loneliness by saying, “Go get yourself some help, I’m buying.” She has asked you to join her in couples therapy – what do you have to lose? If you bristle when thinking about that question, then it seems you actually might benefit from that kind of work.

With the exception of serious mental health disorders, my experience has been that a couple’s relationship is actually the best space for healing. If Dear Wife leaves your dyad, and finds a gentle and caring counselor to walk with her through whatever she’s experiencing, at the end of the day you are not the one witnessing or inspiring that healing. This will put more distance between you. And if you fall into the category of Ambitious-Law-School-Trained-Competitive-Field-Dweller that you describe, I’m guessing that more distance is the last thing your marriage needs.

Work with her to find a couples counselor with a schedule that fits both of your calendars. Leave the rest of the work to that person. If s/he thinks Dear Wife will benefit from individual treatment, trust that s/he will say so. In the interim, consider how much you might learn and how much you both could benefit. If you really want the best, that’s the gold standard.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • June 18, 2014

Dear Stacy:

My friend/coworker is going through a bad divorce. She was struggling for a long time before they separated and I did my best to support her by listening and (sometimes) offering advice. But now it’s all we talk about. It happens during work, on lunch breaks, at happy hour, ALL THE TIME. I don’t even usually ask her how it’s going, she just steers the conversation back to it every single time. I really do feel bad for her situation, but I can’t take this anymore. She has no filter and does not seem to recognize my social cues. She needs a therapist, or a better friend. What can I do?

– Done With Listening

Dear Done,

You actually do sound like a good friend, but a friend who is fed up. That’s okay. Many of us in the field have clients who first came to therapy saying, “My friends are sick of listening to me, so I needed to find someone else.” If you think you can be gentle about it (and I mean really, really gentle), you might suggest that she find someone who is trained to help support a person going through a divorce, because you “know she is hurting” and you “want her to feel better.”

But if she doesn’t take this hint, you should say something about how her struggle is making you feel, because it is making you feel something, and she might not know that. There is no reason to be harsh about it (e.g., “You are such a downer, Louise.”). If you are a good friend, you might be doing her a favor by admitting that her experience has become a burden for you (e.g., “I am noticing that I have a hard time moving on after we talk about your divorce. If I am having this kind of reaction by proxy, I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I really hope you can get to a place where you don’t have to bring this into the office every day. Is there anything I can do to help you with that?”).

Venting is a wonderful – and often necessary – tool for people to express pent-up emotions and move into a better space. But this behavior can be addictive. When we are allowed to take up all the space in a relationship with our own airing of grievances, we don’t always see that we are taking some of that space away from a friend. Acknowledging your true feelings about the circumstances can help steer the friendship back to more of a balance. And if the end result is that she is motivated to find a professional to talk with? Well, then you’ve been the catalyst for a real solution.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.