Body & Soul

Georgetowner • November 2, 2011

Dear Stacy,

I am writing about something that happened several months ago, but it’s not getting any better, so I thought I could use some outside perspective. Things were not going well for me. My job was stressful thanks to a jerk boss. My wife was pregnant with our first child and was having a very difficult pregnancy (uncomfortable most of the nine months, then on bed rest for the last five weeks). Our finances were stretched after we took a loss on selling our condo and moved into the bigger house that she wanted before the baby came. I was anxious all the time, had insomnia, was on the verge of panic attacks nearly every single day. I want to set the scene because I know I will look like a jerk after you hear what happened next. Basically, I was miserable and not myself at all.

Then I had an affair with a coworker’s wife. It began as a flirtation, and moved into intense online chatting and texting. When my wife went on bed rest, I began a physical affair with the woman. Long story short, my wife found out after our daughter was a month old. I ended the affair immediately and have been trying to get us into couples therapy ever since, but she won’t go. We sleep in separate rooms and only talk about our daughter’s care at this point. My wife is back to work and our daughter is home with a nanny, but nothing else is back to normal. I know that if we could only go to couples counseling, everything would be alright, but she refuses to even talk about it. I feel the distance between us growing and am worried about the holidays coming up because it will be hard to hide our problems when spend time with our extended families.

-Sorry-I-Screwed-Up

Dear Sorry,

You admit you screwed up, but the rest of your letter suggests you might really want to share the blame for the more recent outcome. It was subtle, and likely unconscious, but it sounds like you have shifted responsibility for the distance in your marriage to Wife. She won’t go to couples counseling. She refuses to discuss it. She needed a bigger house. She is only focused on Baby’s well-being.

Let me add one more to your list: She is in post-traumatic shock.

Discovering infidelity is like detonating a bomb. Baby was one month old when this explosion took place? So Wife was already living under siege, with a newborn destroying both sleep patterns and general life expectations (newborns are notoriously dictator-ish). She then learns that you have been escaping the warzone by having sex with someone else. My assumption is that Wife immediately went into survival mode and hasn’t come out yet. This is what we do when we experience trauma – we don’t come out until it’s safe, and your house (not to mention the great unknown of “couples therapy”) is not safe.

Barbara Steffens, a sex addiction expert and co-author of “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse,” likens traditional couples therapy with a sex addict and spouse to being assaulted and then being asked to sit in support of the attacker. PTSD makes us hyper-vigilant, suspicious and deeply depressed because we replay images and feelings of the assault again and again in our minds. Wife was assaulted by the reality of your infidelity; your entreaties about couples counseling are likely retraumatizing.

Instead, she needs her own opportunity to heal, within her own, separate support network. I know your instinct is to do as much as you can to fix this for her, but you cannot be her support network this time. She needs her own people: a friend, a clergyperson, a counselor. But she’s not going to pursue any of those things until she feels safe enough to let her guard down and let herself be truly aware of what has been happening in your household. There is a lot you can do to help with this part. First, you must take responsibility for your actions yourself.

Get to a certified sexual addictions counselor (they have the best info on infidelity, regardless of whether you think you’re a sex addict). Get to a 12-step meeting. Read all the Patrick Carnes books. Put parental controls on the internet at home. Give her your email passwords. Be transparent and repentant – this won’t have to last forever, but you need to make an outward and obvious demonstration of your intentions to heal yourself and then your marriage. Make this about you each being healthy first. Later, perhaps in several months to a year, you can begin the process of making your marriage healthy again.

Dear Stacy,

I’m in a sticky situation and am not sure how to proceed. I am a teacher at a private school. A student’s father recently emailed me, inviting me out for “drinks or more.” I’m happily married and wear a wedding ring. I’m not sure, but I assume the father is divorced or separated. The student is not in my class, but I have a vague memory of meeting the father at a fundraiser last year. He only recently sent me this message, making it sound like he’d been thinking about this for a while. I am both sad for him (he sounds really lonely) and creeped out. I have absolutely no interest in pursuing anything – my husband thinks the situation is hysterical, by the way – but I also don’t want to do anything that would put my reputation or job at risk in anyway. Keeping parents happy is an unwritten rule at our school, and I’ve only been working here for a few years.

-Embarrassed/Harassed in Northwest

Dear Northwest,

I am with you on the “creeped out” part. Although you didn’t provide the entire message, it’s hard to read “drinks or more” in any other way than that Mr. Inappropriate is propositioning you.
I wonder if you might have a school handbook or something from orientation that might give us a hint as to how the higher powers might look at something like this. If you feel comfortable with your direct supervisor, I’d suggest starting with that person before you craft a response to Mr. I. I understand your concern about your reputation and position, but I guarantee that your school’s “unwritten rule” about keeping parents happy does not demand that you date any dad who asks.

Meanwhile, Mr. I’s method of pursuit (faceless email) may suggest one of two things: A) he is embarrassed and hiding behind the web, waiting to see what you might do with the ball he just forced into your court, or B) he has done this before, and perhaps has asked the same thing of other teachers who may or may not have come forward yet. In either event, providing too much sympathy could be read as a sign that he should continue the chase. After talking with a higher up about school policy, I’d recommend a brief reply that shuts down the entire conversation without any name-calling (e.g., don’t address it “Dear Mr. Inappropriate”). Make the message clear: you are not interested and this was unacceptable.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is TherapyGeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. We really do want your questions! Send them confidentially to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • August 24, 2011

Dear Stacy:
First the good news: we got engaged! Now the bad news: both sets of parents are already starting their own campaigns to control the wedding ceremony.

We’re a mixed faith couple and both sides have certain things they absolutely will and will not allow in the service. My parents are being very passive aggressive about the whole thing. Phone calls include many “suggestions” and not-so-subtle remarks about her parents’ wishes. Her side, on the other hand, is holding us hostage about the venue – it’s their way or nothing at all. It’s only been a few weeks and I’m already fantasizing about ambushing my fiancée after work and just eloping.

It’s a complicated situation because my future wife’s still a grad student, so we are definitely relying on our parents to help fund the event. How do you keep everyone happy when so many different interests are involved?

-Imagining Eloping in Georgetown

Dear Imagining:
First the quick answer to how you keep everyone happy: You can’t (come on, you already knew that, right?).

Now the longer answer: I agree, this is complicated. A wedding is “supposed” to be a wonderful, family-focused celebration of two people coming together. It’s “supposed” to be about asking your community to support that union. But most of all, it’s “supposed” to be about you and Future Wife, not about one side shoving its traditions down the aisle. Unfortunately, when it comes to religious faith (and the U.S. Congress), compromise can be a dirty word. That’s when you and Future Wife must get honest about what you really want.

You make no mention of your own hopes for what a mixed faith ceremony (and marriage) might look like for the two of you. Let’s figure that out before trying to get the parents on board. Once you’re clear, sit down with both sets and be honest about what you have already decided. See how I did that? “What you have already decided,” because it’s your wedding. Minimize the lectures on how petty they’re all being, but if you must, let them know that your wedding (and marriage, because that’s where this is heading) is not the place for either faith’s charismatic tent revival.

If they don’t buy it, then don’t let them buy your silence by funding the wedding of their tone-deaf dreams. While elopement is a fine choice, you can always have a small civil ceremony for yourselves and plan a nonreligious reception with both families involved.

Dear Stacy:
Should I get therapy?

-Frustrated and Anxious

Dear Frustrated and Anxious:
While that’s not a lot to go on, I actually do get this question all the time. And your signature does give us some clues.

I usually describe frustration as a surface emotion, most often covering up deeper feelings of fear, loneliness, helplessness, etc. In small doses, anxiety actually is a motivator that helps identify what is most important to us and helps us focus. When it overtakes our thoughts – keeping us up late at night, resulting in physical symptoms – then anxiety stops being functional and can serve as the body’s alarm system, alerting us that there is something unresolved that needs our attention. If any of this resonates with your situation, then I’d agree that therapy could be a good place to get clear about your emotions and learn some relief strategies.

Now please indulge me with the chance to make up a story about your decision to ask such a succinct-yet-loaded question. I wonder if you might want to hand over the authority on your situation to someone else? Maybe you’re so exhausted by the events that got you “Frustrated and Anxious” in the first place, that you’d like to put someone else in charge for a while? That makes total sense, but before you make an appointment, here are a few ideas about what you should not expect from therapy.

Please don’t go to therapy if:
…you expect the therapist to read your mind.
…you expect the therapist to tell you what to do.
…you expect your treatment to take a certain amount of time and have a specific outcome.
…you expect the therapist to make you feel better.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but the best therapists help us understand the deeper motivations in our own behavior; they don’t impose their own agendas on our lives because, frankly, that never works. Think about it, did it work when you were a teenager? When you came across your first tyrannical coworker? When your spouse tried it? No. And paying someone by the hour to put you back in that situation is a recipe for resentment, anger, and feeling even more misunderstood.

Good therapy is about helping someone put words to the cognitions that may have never been named aloud. It is about describing our thought processes, holding those up against our goals, and then deciding if one matches the other. This is an internal restructuring that takes some heavy lifting on the part of the client. Yes, the therapist is there to walk you through it, but not to pass judgment on where you’ve been and decree what you should do next. If you are curious about how your past informs your present, and want to feel better in the end, then therapy can be one way to get there.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.therapygeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. We really do want your questions! Send them confidentially to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Renee Garfinkel • July 26, 2011

-The decision to see a therapist can be a hard one to make, as I discussed in my last column, “It’s All In Your Head” (georgetowner.com/living). Once you’ve made that decision, the next challenge is finding the right therapist. How do you go about that?

Most people begin by soliciting referrals. You ask your friends, your doctor, you troll online, search directories such as Psychology Today or American Psychological Association, etc. Pretty
soon it becomes apparent that there is a wide range of varying choices. How do you select among them a therapist that’s right for you?

Here’s one way to think about it that might help simplify the process:

There are essentially three basic criteria to examine before you choose a therapist. Meeting the criteria won’t guarantee success, of course (if anyone EVER gives you a guarantee in this business, run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction!), but it does provide a solid basis from which to work. The three criteria to look for in a therapist are: competence, integrity, and “chemistry.””

Competence
Professional licensure is designed to assure a level of competence through qualifying exams and the requirement of continuing education, so make sure the person you’re considering for your therapist is licensed as a psychologist, social worker or psychiatrist. Checking out their schooling and number of years in practice might give you some more comfort on this dimension.

Integrity
This is hard to ascertain in advance, but it is a vital component in allowing you to feel safe and secure in the therapeutic relationship.

You’re looking for a therapist who can help you. In other words, you’re trying to hire a therapist,
and all those names you’ve gathered are applicants for the job. But the “job” of a therapist is unique in some respects. While in most situations, job applicants can supply a potential employer with references, it’s not possible for the therapist you have under consideration to suggest that you contact a former patient to learn about her work. However, one thing you can do is call and ask for some time on the phone to talk with the therapist about what you’re looking for. If he or she won’t give you ten minutes on the phone to help you make this important decision, then move on. (They may not be free to talk the moment you call, of course, but the therapist with integrity will suggest another convenient time). That phone conversation is where “chemistry” comes in.

Chemistry
Talk to several therapists. See how the conversations go. Ask yourself: Do they ask good questions? Do you like their answers? How about their tone and attitude? Do you feel comfortable? Do you relate to their outlook on psychotherapy? Do you think they might be able to “get” you? Do you feel you can be honest with them? Do you think the two of you can work together? Your answers to these questions are all aspects of “chemistry.”

Psychotherapy is a cooperative project. You and your therapist are a team working on your behalf, engaged in a process that takes commitment and hard work, but can also be joyful and liberating. Once therapy has begun, it’s important to stop from time to time and evaluate—together—the progress you’re making. That way therapy can keep pace with your growth, and the team can continue to be effective.

Therapy is hard work, but when you’re working with the right partner, important, meaningful change can take place. Good luck!

Renee Garfinkel, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist practicing short-term, solution-oriented psychotherapy in downtown D.C. She is affiliated with the Institute for Crisis, Disaster and Risk Management at The George Washington University. For more information, check out therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/69148 or www.sleep-dc.com.

Katherine Tallmadge •

-The social butterflies among us are very fortunate in some ways. They’re often out and about, meeting new friends and entertaining old friends at home. Life is full. Life is grand!

But then there’s the little (or not so little) issue of weight. Festivities can put a dent in even the staunchest weight loss resolve. Just about every party, after all, revolves around food. Just thinking about all the calories can make me feel heavier!

Parties and holidays are a time for celebrating life and for bringing families and friends together. No one’s perfect, and it seems almost antisocial to obsess over your weight when everyone around you is having such a great time. Still, parties present a lot of opportunities for overindulging. Even if you’ve managed to master the daily routines of exercising, eating in moderation and so on, parties and holidays don’t come around that often. That means we don’t have as much practice reconciling social obligations with our desire to maintain the same waist size.

Parties are not only about food. They should not even be mainly about food. Not convinced? Well, take a minute to make an inventory of the things that matter to you— things that really touch your heart around special occasions and holidays. Here are some of the things that I and my clients have decided are important:

-Showing kindness to others and making sacrifices for those less fortunate
-Getting together with friends and family you rarely have time for
-Observing religious significance of holidays
-Attending holiday plays and concerts
-Free time for special exhibits, ice skating and skiing
-Volunteering at the local homeless shelter
-Looking your best and feeling confident and energetic

Even without knowing you personally, I can say with some confidence that your list of priorities is probably pretty similar. Do we think about food when we go to parties or celebrate the holidays? Of course, but there is so much more!

Tips for Celebrating

Prioritize what is most important to you about the holiday.

Remember, the “holidays” are only three days, NOT every day between Thanksgiving and New Year’s.

Plan your holiday eating carefully. Savor and enjoy each bite to the fullest.

-Prioritize your high calorie items. Choose three of your favorite holiday foods and allow yourself to enjoy them. Don’t waste calories by sampling everything.
-Prioritize your parties. Choose one or two of your favorite parties during the week and allow yourself to indulge at them. Eat before going to the other parties. If you indulge at, say, all five parties you’re invited to in one week, you may gain more weight than you would feel comfortable with.
-ALWAYS eat normally and on time the day of the party. Don’t starve yourself during the day so that you irrationally overeat everything in sight once you get there.
-Eat a snack just before arriving at your party.
-Once you’ve arrived at the party, grab some sparkling water and wait at least 30 minutes before making a food choice. This gives you time to relax, get comfortable in your surroundings and to scope out the food offerings rationally.
-Location! Location! Location! Position yourself away from the food table. Focus on conversation, not eating.
-ALWAYS follow the “Mindful Eating Techniques.” Before eating anything, take the food to a table, sit down, take three or four deep breaths, relax, and focus full attention on the food while you are eating. If you want to talk with someone, put the food down and talk. When you want to eat, put your full attention on the eating. Notice the point at which you feel comfortable not full. As soon as you are comfortable, stop eating. Enjoy and savor every bite. Don’t waste any calorie by not paying attention to what you are eating.
-When you are in control of the party, try new healthy recipes to serve your family or guests. You’ll be surprised how much this is appreciated.
-Anticipate situations and plan your strategy ahead of time.
-Before the event, visualize yourself using your planned strategies and leaving the party successful.
-Reward yourself for handling the situations as you planned.
-Leftovers are what put weight on. Splurge on the holiday, then get back to normal eating ASAP.

Do’s and Don’ts for Holiday Buffets

Been invited to a holiday buffet? Don’t panic! I’ve surveyed the trendiest holiday buffets to come up with a list of dos and don’ts so you don’t leave the party stuffed with 2,000 calories beneath your belt. Which reminds me: This is not time to be shy, so wear confining clothing. There’s nothing like a death grip around your waist to remind you it’s time to leave the Swedish meatballs behind and start mingling.

Read closely. You may be shocked to find that even if you stick with all the “dos” on my list, your calories will probably top anything you’d be eating at home with your standard 600 calorie dinner. So, be picky. Don’t waste calories when you can enjoy yourself flirting or caroling!

1. DO! Add sparkling water and a twist of lime to your two ounces of white wine. It’s only 40 calories!

2. DON’T! Get started with several glasses of wine at 100 calories each!

3. DO! Start with healthy crudités. Dip carrot and celery strips, or any other veggies, in salsa! (Each dipped finger-sized veggie stick is about 7 to 10 calories and no fat.)

4. DON’T! Start with chips and dip. Did you know that each dipped chip could set you back 25 calories and 2 grams of fat? (Was that about 10 that you just gulped down in 2 minutes flat?)

5. DO! Savor Smoked Salmon on a whole grain cracker (about 35 calories and 2 grams of fat for 1/2 ounce of salmon and one cracker).

6. DON’T! Dig into the crispy and creamy appetizers. Bet you didn’t know that tiny egg roll packs are 200 calories and 10 grams of fat! The cheese and crackers? You jest! Each tiny slab (1/2 ounce) of cheese with a Town House cracker is 65 calories and 6 grams of fat.

7. DO! Take the edge off your appetite with the filling yet spicy Minestrone or Vegetable Soup at 150 calories and 2 grams of fat per 8-ounce bowl.

8. DON’T! Fill your bowl with the Seafood Bisque. It’ll pack on 300 calories and 10 grams of fat per 8-ounce bowl.

9. DO! Start with a fresh salad. Heap your plate with fresh, young greens, sliced tomatoes and onions (25 calories at the most). Top with 1 Tbsp of vinaigrette (50 – 75 calories, 5 – 9 grams fat).

10. DON’T! Start with garlic bread (200 calories for two small slices).

11. DO! Pile on the Grilled Vegetables like red peppers, mushrooms, and zucchini. They’re only 25 calories per 1/2 cup serving.

12. DON’T! Get creamed with the Creamed Spinach. The cream and butter adds 150 calories to the measly 25 for the spinach.

13. DO! Spoon up sorbet. It’s cool. It’s refreshing. It’s only 100 calories and zero fat per 1/2 cup.

14. DON’T! Spoon up the Haagen Daz! It’s 250 calories and 20 grams of fat per 1/2 cup.

15. DO! Indulge in a sliver of pumpkin pie. It’s creamy deliciousness is relatively abstemious at 300 calories and 14 grams of fat for 1/8 of a 9” pie.

16. DON’T! Indulge in a sliver of pecan pie. It’ll set you back 500 calories and 27 grams of fat!

17. DO! Try a meringue cookie or ginger snap. They’re only about 30 calories a piece.

18. DON’T! Grab a chocolate chip cookie with nuts. Even a tiny one is 120 calories.

19. DO! Enjoy hot herbal tea as a night cap to help you sleep (zero calories, zero fat).

20. DON’T! Indulge in a brandy. It’s 160 calories for just a 1-1/2 ounce jigger, and that’s before the cream!

And to get you started, here are some lighter alternatives for holiday cookies:

Kjerstin’s Swedish Almond Cookies

This Swedish cookie recipe was handed down to me from my mother. Because they’re almost exclusively made with nuts, they’re heart healthy!

Makes 24 cookies

8 1/2 9oz almonds
1 1/2 Cup powdered sugar
2 egg whites
2-3 drops green food dye (if desired)

Blanch and grind almonds until very fine, like flour. Add sugar, stir in egg whites and mix well. Make 24 tablespoon-sized round balls and push a piece of slivered blanched almond in the middle. Bake in the oven at 350 degrees for about 15 – 20 minutes.

You can buy blanched and slivered almonds in most stores. Some stores even sell almond flour. You may also use other nuts in place of almonds, i.e. hazel nuts.

Nutrition Information per cookie: 82 calories, 2.5 grams protein, 5 grams fat, 9.6 grams carbohydrates (0.4 grams saturated fat), 1 gram fiber

Lighter Chocolate Chip Cookies

The following recipe is adapted from The Low Fat Epicure by Sallie Twentyman, R.D. (It’s out of print, unfortunately.). It’s a recipe I’ve been giving my clients and have been using myself for years:

Makes 36 2″ Cookies

2 Large Eggs
1 Cup Dark Brown Sugar
1/2 Cup White Sugar
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
2 Tbsp Skim Milk
1 Cup Whole Wheat Flour
1 Cup White Flour
1 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Salt
1 Package (12 oz) Chocolate Chips
1 Cup Chopped Walnuts, or more to taste (and for increased Omega-6 and Omega-3’s)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees and lightly coat two cookie sheets with vegetable oil spray.

Beat together eggs, brown sugar, white sugar, vanilla, and skim milk until thick and uniformly mixed (do not over-mix). Add whole-wheat flour, white flour, baking soda and salt, and beat again until well combined. Add more white flour a tablespoon at a time, if necessary, beating after each addition, until mixture is no longer wet-looking and is thick enough not to run off the beater when beater is lifted from bowl. Add chocolate chips and nuts and mix until chips and nuts are evenly distributed.

Drop dough onto cookie sheets by teaspoonfuls, leaving about 2 inches between cookies. Bake 8-10 minutes, or until only slightly browned and no longer wet when touched. Cookies will become hard if overbaked, so watch them carefully.

Cool 4 – 5 minutes on cookie sheets, and then transfer to rack.

I’ve mixed chocolate with butterscotch chips, added more nuts (for nut lovers), and even candied cherries. It’s a very versatile recipe…

Each cookie: 108 calories, 4.6 grams fat (1.6 grams saturated fatty Acid, 1.6 grams Omega-6 and Omega-3 Polyunsaturated Fatty Acids), 14 mg Cholesterol, 16 grams carbohydrates, 1.8 grams protein, 91 mg sodium

Katherine Tallmadge, M.A., R.D., custom designs nutrition and weight loss programs and is the author of “Diet Simple,” full of delicious holiday and everyday recipes by great chefs such as Jacques Pepin, Roberto Donna, Nora Pouillon, Michel Richard, Carla Hall, Janis McLean. Order at any bookstore, online at amazon.com, or find copies at Griffin Market, 28th and P Street, in Georgetown. Katherine@KatherineTallmadge