Living

Georgetowner • March 28, 2013

Dear Stacy:

I think I said something wrong and now my friend?s therapist is mad at me. Long story short, my friend is trying to get pregnant and has had her second IVF failure. I have three kids and we are trying for No. 4. Over lunch the other week I tried to explain that I completely understand her longing for that first baby, because I feel the same way in my longing for this one. Looking back, I think she kind of shut down the conversation at that point. Well, fast-forward to this week when I confront her about not returning my calls and texts, she tells me she is ?setting a boundary? because her therapist said she should. I don?t get this at all. Why would her therapist try to cut her off from her support system? What can I do to get back into her good graces?
?Wants to Fix It

Dear Fix It,
Give me a second while I get my gaping mouth to close.

Dear, dear, dear one. Her therapist is not ?mad? at you ? or at least, that?s not why she told Friend to set a boundary. The therapist may have advised Friend to set boundaries so that she is not triggered by people who suffer from tone deafness ? and my dear, that?s you.

I can imagine that you were completely genuine in your suggestion that one person wishing for a first child has much in common with another person wishing for a fourth. In fact, I am sure you meant it in the very best way possible, as a way of bonding the two of you together in this life experience, but you aren?t on the same page ? not by a longshot. Let?s both imagine Friend?s deep grief and utter shock that a mother-of-three might liken her circumstances to one actively struggling to become a mother-of-any. I do not mean to minimize your pain (not even in the slightest), this is just an apples to oranges situation ? strike that ? it?s an apples to a single, solitary orange situation.

Let?s shift this for a moment and focus on the very normal, yet often misguided way we humans often try to crowd into another person?s experience as a way of building intimacy. Sometimes, that backfires and people get deeply, devastatingly hurt. You can be a good friend without assuming you are both riding the same emotional roller coaster (in case I didn?t make my point before ? you are on two totally different roller coasters). My advice is simple ? learn from this misstep. Apologize from a safe distance on the other side of the boundary she has set (READ: via a phone call or voicemail), and then continue to respect the boundary. You can be a gentle, loving presence on the other side while you wait for her.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Ari Post • March 13, 2013

John Rhett moved from Houston, Texas, to Charlottesville, Va., in 1981. He had a double degree in architecture and fine arts from Rice University and, having worked in the world of corporate architecture, was searching for a back-to-basics approach to his life and work. Fate, however, was playing a larger role in his relocation to Charlottesville than he could ever have realized.

Rhett had already studied solar architecture in New Mexico in the 1970s, and had constructed some major projects with the surrounding Pueblo community. These projects combined elements of contemporary architectural innovation with ancient cultural building techniques, creating sustainable adobe structures that became a part of the land they were built upon. Shortly after moving to Charlottesville, Rhett started working for one of the city’s only modern architectural firms. Creating modern structures amidst Charlottesville’s lush forests and rolling, fertile landscapes, he found a synthesis between nature and structure that suited his contemporary architectural ideals and deep-rooted pursuits. It was here that Rhett saw a foundation for what would become his life’s work.

He began working for the renowned garden designer François Goffinet, who taught him a multidisciplinary approach of incorporating architecture into natural environments. “Goffinet would work with a team of architects, botanists, carpenters, and even historians of garden design,” says Rhett. “And his projects—parks, gardens, houses and corporate campuses—have such a harmony that resulted from this orchestration of disciplines. His spaces are like musical compositions of physical structures.”
Rhett began working on projects around the world, from Portugal, Oxfordshire, Bel Air and Carmel, to the San Juan Islands just north of Seattle. Each structure, he came to understand, was inextricably linked to its surrounding environment.

“It occurred to me,” he says, “that whether you are building adobe pueblos or Georgian mansions, the incorporation of the surrounding landscape and harmony with the character of the environment are core values that I had been unconsciously pursuing since day one.”

Meanwhile, Rhett had fallen in love with the character and environment of Charlottesville. “Between the history, the beauty, the innovation, and the shear lifestyle, there was something timeless about this place that drew me in and didn’t let me go. I think Thomas Jefferson got it right when he chose Charlottesville as the place to build his home at legacies.”

Jefferson became a strong influence on Rhett and his work, for Jefferson shared with him a fierce love for the land as well as notions on the historical responsibilities of architecture. Upon writing to the politician George Gilmer in 1787, Jefferson remarked: “I am as happy no where else and in no other society, and all my wishes end, where I hope my days will end, at Monticello.”

Rhett brings this philosophy into his work, designing and building country houses that are part of the land they are built upon, and drawing upon its surroundings to shape the gardens and parks he creates to suit them. “I’ve always loved natural surroundings. So, landscape design is a perfect and natural companion to the architecture.”

Building homes also allows Rhett to work with individuals to help others realize their dreams. Much of the satisfaction, he explains, comes from turning a shared vision into a reality. “I want to give my clients the tools to create the home they can only imagine, to take something from theory into reality. In the process, we both discover things. I had one client who at first did not have any confidence in her choices. And while we worked together, she had a real growth experience designing her house, and became rightfully confident in her own decisions. It turned out beautifully.”

Rhett Architects has been operating since 1995, and Rhett’s firm has managed more than 300 projects, focused primarily on residential and landscape work in the Piedmont region. “I design homes and landscapes,” says Rhett, “but I spent quite a while working in construction management, and I enjoy working with the entire project team, from contractors to clients, to bring projects to fruition.”

Among his more public works, Rhett has remodeled several areas inside University of Virginia’s School of Law, and restored Staunton, Va.’s oldest public schoolhouse.

As diverse and unique as his projects are, there is at least one common thread that strings Rhett’s work together. “I like to make places that are alive, that vibrate,” he says. “I use all the tools possible, from proportions, to color and light, to make any space I design the most balanced and beautiful it can be.”

A Conversation With John Rhett

From the genius of Thomas Jefferson and sustainable energy, to Finnish modernism and ranching in Jackson Hole, Wyo., the Georgetowner sat down with architect John Rhett to discuss his influences, inspirations, and what makes a house worth living in.

Georgetowner: How did you get into the field of landscape-influenced and countryside residential architecture?

John Rhett: I’ve always loved landscapes, and it became clear that this was a perfect area for me to be working in architecturally. A country house is part of a landscape, confluent with the surrounding gardens, vistas, and topography. Those are the ideas that interested me from the beginning. I was lucky enough to take a landscape architecture course with Carlisle Becker when I was at Rice University. He really emphasized looking at landscape from a critical point of view, which opened the doors to many concepts embodied in nature.

Architecture is one of those fields where you have to know a lot about a lot of different things, technically, philosophically, historically and artistically. It demands a lot, and I’ve always loved that. It seems natural that landscapes and environmental awareness play an equally integral part in the process. Nature is a good place for an architect to be.

GT: What is it like working with a client and bringing them into your design process?

JR: I always start with the client. That’s why I have so many different styles of projects in my portfolio. I don’t design the same house over and over again. I want to learn what the client wants and find the best thing for them. The process really begins with asking and listening.

When the client and I visit the property before the house is built, we are foremost looking for a site for the house. I like to think that there are different forces out there, and when you walk around a piece of property, you’ll find a special spot, like a tuning fork, and everything starts to syncronize. You find that on most properties there is a perfect spot. Sometimes it is a certain view it offers, but even something as simple and elegant as an old tree can influence where you put a house.

It’s often tied into where the clients come from—some family history about what they love in houses. Some people might want a glass house spanning across a river, others want one on top of a hill. So I balance it out with each property. It is a conversation with clients, the landscape, and ideas of architecture we all have, and it gets shifted around until it all feels right.
I want to work for clients to design their house. I don’t want them to come to me to get a house that they’ve seen somewhere else. I want someone interested in building their house in a particular place, and I’ll help them with it. When you take on a client, you’re really taking on a relationship. But that’s how the best houses get done. To make magic there has got to be a spark between all parties. I want to help people realize their own vision for their home.

GT: That must yield some unique results.

JR: Absolutely. I have one client who is renovating an old barn to be quite modern; it has all these beautiful horizontal lines, an open floor plan and beautiful materials. Another client is building a federal style home near the University of Virginia campus—very traditional, beautiful moldings—the proportion of the rooms is important to him. I’ve got it both ways, which is a wonderful thing. But what my clients all really appreciate is an attention to materials and the way that they are put together. Even with different styles of architecture, when things are done correctly and put together beautifully, that success.

GT: Do you seen any trends in what clients today looking for in country homes?

JR: I think that trends these days are toward a sustainable philosophy about how to live on the land. A lot of people are more interested in energy efficient, solar design, and connecting to a relaxed way of life. They want meadows and low maintenance, native plantings around them, which is really interesting.

GT: Charlottesville is a great place for this type of lifestyle.

JR: It’s the best. It is either a small city or a large town—it can’t seem to make up its mind, and it’s all the better for it. There have always been interesting people and interesting projects here. In Charlottesville, you can have this nice country life, surrounded by gardens and wildlife, and then go into town and see a show. The richness of the land is such a draw—Thomas Jefferson recognized it 200 years ago, when he described it as the Eden of America.

GT: Has Thomas Jefferson had an influence on you since you came to Charlottesville?

JR: Jefferson has had a huge influence on me. He believed that architecture embodies the whole of creation. When he was proportioning columns, he would take his calculations to the fourth decimal point, which says to me that he believed proportions are sacred—if it is off by one thousandth, then it is wrong. That sort of rigor of thought and belief in architecture sustains me, even when I’m sitting there working with a developer to maximize his parking spaces.
If you think about Monticello, his estate here in Charlottesville, on one side is a man-made garden, and on the other side is a house that thrusts out into a landscape of raw nature. Jefferson made art out of the ordinary. Somebody thinking along those lines is a kindred spirit.

GT: Who else has influenced your architectural work?

JR: The list is long. Alvar Aalto was a Finnish modernist who created a modern architecture that connects to nature. Frank Lloyd Wright, I loved his attitude towards the land, how architecture needs to build out of it. He had a great sense of proportion that I often turn back to. But the real reason I got into architecture was my uncle, who was a building designer in Jackson Hole, Wyo., when I was growing up. I thought, Wow! I’ll become an architect and live on a ranch in Jackson Hole!
It didn’t quite work out that way, but I’m not complaining.
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Georgetowner • March 12, 2013

*Dear Stacy:*
*I am really worried about my younger sister. She seems to move from relationship to relationship (more specifically, from guy to guy), with no end in sight. She once told me that she thought settling down like our parents would be a ?death sentence.? But now, she?s about to turn 30. All of her friends are getting married and she says it?s getting lonely and that she?s depressed. But yet she takes no real steps toward being partnered in any way. What can I do to convince her that finding a partner is not like serving time in jail? I?m worried she?ll never have the joy of finding somebody to live with and build a life with.*

*?Worried Big Sis*

**Dear Big Sis,**
**I have great/excellent/amazing/inspiring news for you. This is not your problem. The fact is, I?m not entirely sure it?s a problem at all, but regardless, you?re totally off the hook on this one. Take this advice for what it is: a clinical professional begging you to get off her back.**

**Please be realistic here. If all of her friends are choosing to get married, it?s likely that Little Sis truly comprehends that there is some value in following suit. Her statements about jail sentences are a defense and, frankly, some of us need our defenses when all of our friends are suddenly partnered and we?re left feeling like we?ve done something wrong.**

**I do trust that your worry comes from a good place ? the best place ? I honestly do. But please tread lightly here. No matter how much empathy and goodwill you have in your heart, it?s very hard to make unsolicited advice not come across as anything other than criticism. If she?s directly asking for advice, and saying she is lonely and depressed, then help her. This could mean helping her think through her relationships, helping her feel better about herself, or helping her find someone else to talk to ? in no way does this mean that you ?convince? her of anything. Taking that route will only make her feel like you don?t understand her (even though that actually may be true), which is going to make her feel even lonelier than she felt before.**

***Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist, practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).***

Georgetowner • February 27, 2013

**DEAR STACY:**
*My life is a mess. My job, my relationship with my boyfriend, the house I try to keep up with while raising a soon-to-be teenager ? it?s all one big mess, and I don?t know where to begin to get things back on track. I?m sure I could use couples counseling to make a decision about how to move forward with my boyfriend. It would be great to get some career guidance as well (I have a very good job, but it?s boring and frustrating most days). But honestly, any?of those activities would take me out of the unbelievable mess my house has become. We moved two years ago and I still am living out of boxes. I would just end up feeling guilty about not using my time to finally get organized. For example, this is what happens when I go to the gym: I feel guilty about being there and leave halfway through, only to feel worse about myself once I get home and have no energy to clean. I just need some ideas about where to start.
-Under the Mess*
**DEAR UNDER:**
Let?s begin with what you are doing right. It sounds like you have a fairly non-stressful job and a long term relationship with Boyfriend. No part of your question addresses the complexities of single-parenting Preteen Child, so I?m going to trust that things are going pretty well there, too. If none of those situations are in immediate crisis, I?d say you have a lot going for you.?
See what I just did? I prioritized the three most important relationships in your life and pointed out that you are doing a lot of things right already. That is prioritizing. When we get overwhelmed with the mess and can?t even allow ourselves a complete workout at the gym (you have a gym membership already ? more points for you!), that suggests that our prioritizing skills need some work. The good news is that you already have the insight about what needs help, now focus on the momentum-building.?
There is one, simple, comforting, sure-fireway to launch you out of paralysis and into that magical momentum: outsourcing. Seriously. Finding the right people to help you get moving is taking charge. You don?t have to do this alone. Hire a house organizer to get a handle on those boxes (I recommend Lynne Mishele at CreativelyOrganize.com). Head to a weekend relationship seminar to help you and Boyfriend start that marriage conversation (check out the programs section at ImagoCenterDC.com). Book some time with a career counselor who can help narrow down your job wish list (call me, I?m happy to help you find someone nearby). Again, you do not have to do this alone.
My strongest advice is to start with the home organization. While your living space may not feel like the most important issue at hand, change in that area will have a huge impact by alleviating the stress you are putting on yourself every time you think about how deficient you are in this area. You will have a streamlined, organized space from which to make all those other choices.?

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • February 13, 2013

**DEAR STACY,**
*I will be getting married this summer and have been having the hardest time planning the wedding. I won?t admit this to my family, but I think I?m really the ?problem.? Nothing is coming together the way I had dreamed it would. I don?t love our venue, but I can?t find a better place to have the reception. I don?t love the flowers, but we cannot afford anything nicer. I basically hate my dress ? it?s uncomfortable and too shiny, and we?ve already bought it so I have no choice. I?m just being a whiny, teary, angry mess all the time. What can you do when your dreams are not possible and you have no control?
?Bride-to-be*

**DEAR BRIDE,**
This sounds horrible and terribly sad. I?m not talking about the situation, mind you, but the mood of your message. You are making a decision to fuse your life with another person?s ? forever. Anxiety and worries about venues and nice flowers are all reasonable, but shouldn?t there be some excitement that supersedes those concerns?
I can?t offer tips for stretching your wedding dollars, and I won?t try to convince you that every bride looks gorgeous, no matter how shiny her dress is. I will ask if you remember the person you are marrying? That guy? Why not focus on him for a moment? I know it can be hard to turn off the images of the wedding industrial complex, but in reality, the big day is about joining two lives, not creating the best representation of your childhood fantasy wedding. When we take time to get grounded in our purpose ? a.k.a. building a new life with another person ? the other stuff looks better or, better yet, stops mattering so much.

You already know that there is something not right about your reactivity here, so give yourself room to get to the bottom of it. (Prepare yourself for my standard pitch for premarital counseling here.) What about scheduling a few appointments with an experienced couples counselor? Even if there aren?t any specific disagreements to tackle, dedicating some time to deepening your connection will help you refocus whenever worries about flowers and cakes start to bubble over. You also can start tonight, by sharing your anxieties with Fianc?, not to solve them, but to consider ways to set them aside together.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphyLPC.com) and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling.*

Georgetowner • January 30, 2013

*Dear Stacy:
I?ve been single for about 10 months following a breakup with the guy I dated throughout college and a year after (almost 5 years). After some time on my own ? including some casual dating ? I?m looking to begin a new relation- ship. I have no idea where to start. I met my old boyfriend at freshman orientation and never had to go through the process of meeting someone in a bar or at work or however you?re supposed to do it. I don?t want a hookup. I want a relationship that can turn into something more. So core values and family compatibility are a must. Oh, and I should mention that I have a very demanding job and not a ton of free time. Where?s the right place to meet the right guy?
-ISO Real Relationship Material*

Dear ISO,
First, congratulations on naming what you want! That can be a big obstacle for many young people who may be afraid to say that they do want the ?relationship material? rather than the casual stuff. I wish I could just refer you to the Real Relationship Material Shoppe (in Georgetown, naturally), but they?re closed for renovations, indefinitely. So let?s do some brainstorming.?A big part of this can be letting your friends and family know that you are looking for love ? networking is a useful tool. Also, consider branching out of your regular routine ? sorry about the lack of free time, but potential partners may not be visible if you are hiding in your cubicle. Take part in activities you like (seriously, only ones that you like, not the ones you think New Boyfriend might like), ones that allow you to be your best self. Of course you can widen your options with online dating, a matchmaker, or speed dating ? but in all those circumstances the advice remains the same: be yourself.

Finally, I want to dispel the myth that there is a ?right? place to ?find love.? Sadly, there is no exact location where this most precious of items is always in stock. You can ensure that you are in your own ?right place? by being open to the possibilities and welcoming of whatever form they may take (He may not look/act/work the way your fantasies have foretold ? get used to the unexpected). We do the most important work on ourselves, meaning that when the right paths cross, our eyes are open to see who?s right in front of us.

* Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your con- fidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Casey obrien • December 14, 2012

The holidays are looming closer, with the promise of holiday parties, alcohol and copious amounts of food. Here comes the phenomenon known as “The Holiday Seven,” or the average seven pounds one gains over the holidays.

The Happiness-Project.com suggests figuring out if you’re a moderator or abstainer. Moderators have an occasional indulgence, which keeps them satisfied with themselves. An abstainer decides which foods are off-limits beforehand, as they may have trouble stopping once they’ve started.

So, before you go to the party and eat two handfuls of chocolate covered pretzels, it’s helpful to come up with a game plan. Start by deciding before you go which foods you will stay away from, and how many sweets you will have. By deciding to stay away from the stuffed mushrooms, and allowing yourself a maximum of two cookies, you will be ahead of the game, and have a better chance of not indulging.

When hosting parties or dinners, use smaller plates, so when you fill up your plate, you’ll have less food. While serving the food, dish out the food in the kitchen, and only bring serving platters of vegetables and salad to the table. Try to put everything you want to eat on your plate in the beginning so that you don’t get too much by grabbing seconds. Eat a bit slower so that you can tell more quickly when you’re feeling full, rather than eating at high speeds and feeling much too full.

The holidays don’t just bring food, but also stress, and stress causes us to eat. Another way to control our eating habits throughout the holiday season is to control our stress levels as much as possible. Besides the obvious cure of working out – we all know it works, even if we might not like the act of going to the gym – avoiding the main shopping centers and their crowds will alleviate some stress. Instead, buy gifts online, or if you have to go out, don’t go during a peak time, like when the stores first open.

Just by changing a few things, you can make sure the only holiday seven you gain are presents.