Raising Change

November 3, 2011

When it comes to educating the nation’s children, the talk always comes back, boomeranglike, to the almighty dollar — funding from the state, from the federal government, funding per student and household, funding for teachers and administrators.

The volatile combination that makes up the education debate — that is, students and how best to budget their scholastic upbringing — sparks some of the most heated name calling and bluster in the public forum.

Snips over the District’s public school budget have kept the newspapers working hard lately (as evinced the city council’s recent spat with DCPS Chancellor Michelle Rhee) but what you won’t hear about is the daily challenge for some schools to foot their own bill, that is, without help from taxpayers.

Enter the world of private education.

While the phrase conjures images of blazers and bookish upper-crusters, many private and parochial schools — which nationally are responsible for educating around 10 percent of students — operate on a lean budget, and aside from non-profit tax breaks and D.C.’s now-frozen voucher program, receive no public funding from the government. The business of keeping cash flowing freely, then, is a big one, and most of the nation’s private institutions have whole departments devoted to it.

Their job is to think of ways to drum up the dollars when tuition revenue won’t quite pay all the bills. And while most private schools are happy to accept donations from the general public, advancement departments usually have a few target markets in mind, with alumni and parents naturally serving as primary benefactors.

Most schools set a fundraising benchmark in the form of an annual fund, which aims to reach a certain dollar amount by the end of the school’s fiscal year. Annual funds are easy to donate to, are trackable — many schools keep a running tally on their websites — and can be tailored to commemorate a significant individual or date, say, the school’s centennial. They’re lucrative, too: Gonzaga College High School and St. Albans School report around 10 percent of their operating budget comes from annual fund revenue. In only 15 years, Woodley Park’s Maret School has increased its annual fund earnings from $250,000 to $1.6 million. Figures at other schools are smaller, but across the board annual fund revenue is cited as a gap-bridger when tuition, as it often does, only covers 80 to 85 percent of operating costs.

But advancement departments don’t just serve as liaisons for deep-pocketed alums. Most are composed of talented fundraisers with a knack for making donations worth the benefactor’s while. That means events — auctions, galas, golf showdowns and the like — which form a nicely symbiotic arrangement to earn money while fostering a lively social scene within the school community. Think of Washington’s storied gala scene on a smaller scale — and with higher-caliber small talk.

St. Albans, for example, is home to an active parents association that conducts the annual Christmas House Tour of five stately homes in Cleveland Park. The houses are typically owned by alumni or relatives of students, and through ticket and sponsorship proceeds, the tour has raised an average of $350,000 annually since 2004.

The yearly effort is contributed to the school’s Centennial Campaign, which is aiming for a hefty $80 million goal by the end of the year.

Sidwell Friends, the prestigious Quaker school with the Obama family bragging rights, recently passed — a year ahead of schedule — the $56 million benchmark for its Call Us Friends campaign, begun in 2002. The project was a grassroots effort by the school and over 150 volunteers (parents and students alike) to fund a new athletic center and fill out financial aid coffers for needy students.

The school’s annual auction and book club also directly benefit the Dollars for Scholars program, which has proved so successful that Sidwell Friends averages a guarantee of two-thirds tuition for its aid recipients — generous, given the school’s $30,000 price tag.

Many schools also maintain a long-term planned giving program, in which a lump sum is contractually placed in trust and supplies annual payment to an agreed-upon party. Georgetown Visitation’s Charitable Gift Annuity arranges for annuities to be paid to the donor for the duration of their life; afterward the original gift is bequeathed to the school. Opposite that is a Charitable Lead Trust, in which the school receives annuities for a slated amount of time before the gift is returned to the donor. Gonzaga, National Cathedral School and Maret School all conduct similar programs.

Talk about a step up from the bake sale.

Murphy’s Love

November 2, 2011

Dear Stacy,

I am writing about something that happened several months ago, but it’s not getting any better, so I thought I could use some outside perspective. Things were not going well for me. My job was stressful thanks to a jerk boss. My wife was pregnant with our first child and was having a very difficult pregnancy (uncomfortable most of the nine months, then on bed rest for the last five weeks). Our finances were stretched after we took a loss on selling our condo and moved into the bigger house that she wanted before the baby came. I was anxious all the time, had insomnia, was on the verge of panic attacks nearly every single day. I want to set the scene because I know I will look like a jerk after you hear what happened next. Basically, I was miserable and not myself at all.

Then I had an affair with a coworker’s wife. It began as a flirtation, and moved into intense online chatting and texting. When my wife went on bed rest, I began a physical affair with the woman. Long story short, my wife found out after our daughter was a month old. I ended the affair immediately and have been trying to get us into couples therapy ever since, but she won’t go. We sleep in separate rooms and only talk about our daughter’s care at this point. My wife is back to work and our daughter is home with a nanny, but nothing else is back to normal. I know that if we could only go to couples counseling, everything would be alright, but she refuses to even talk about it. I feel the distance between us growing and am worried about the holidays coming up because it will be hard to hide our problems when spend time with our extended families.

-Sorry-I-Screwed-Up

Dear Sorry,

You admit you screwed up, but the rest of your letter suggests you might really want to share the blame for the more recent outcome. It was subtle, and likely unconscious, but it sounds like you have shifted responsibility for the distance in your marriage to Wife. She won’t go to couples counseling. She refuses to discuss it. She needed a bigger house. She is only focused on Baby’s well-being.

Let me add one more to your list: She is in post-traumatic shock.

Discovering infidelity is like detonating a bomb. Baby was one month old when this explosion took place? So Wife was already living under siege, with a newborn destroying both sleep patterns and general life expectations (newborns are notoriously dictator-ish). She then learns that you have been escaping the warzone by having sex with someone else. My assumption is that Wife immediately went into survival mode and hasn’t come out yet. This is what we do when we experience trauma – we don’t come out until it’s safe, and your house (not to mention the great unknown of “couples therapy”) is not safe.

Barbara Steffens, a sex addiction expert and co-author of “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse,” likens traditional couples therapy with a sex addict and spouse to being assaulted and then being asked to sit in support of the attacker. PTSD makes us hyper-vigilant, suspicious and deeply depressed because we replay images and feelings of the assault again and again in our minds. Wife was assaulted by the reality of your infidelity; your entreaties about couples counseling are likely retraumatizing.

Instead, she needs her own opportunity to heal, within her own, separate support network. I know your instinct is to do as much as you can to fix this for her, but you cannot be her support network this time. She needs her own people: a friend, a clergyperson, a counselor. But she’s not going to pursue any of those things until she feels safe enough to let her guard down and let herself be truly aware of what has been happening in your household. There is a lot you can do to help with this part. First, you must take responsibility for your actions yourself.

Get to a certified sexual addictions counselor (they have the best info on infidelity, regardless of whether you think you’re a sex addict). Get to a 12-step meeting. Read all the Patrick Carnes books. Put parental controls on the internet at home. Give her your email passwords. Be transparent and repentant – this won’t have to last forever, but you need to make an outward and obvious demonstration of your intentions to heal yourself and then your marriage. Make this about you each being healthy first. Later, perhaps in several months to a year, you can begin the process of making your marriage healthy again.

Dear Stacy,

I’m in a sticky situation and am not sure how to proceed. I am a teacher at a private school. A student’s father recently emailed me, inviting me out for “drinks or more.” I’m happily married and wear a wedding ring. I’m not sure, but I assume the father is divorced or separated. The student is not in my class, but I have a vague memory of meeting the father at a fundraiser last year. He only recently sent me this message, making it sound like he’d been thinking about this for a while. I am both sad for him (he sounds really lonely) and creeped out. I have absolutely no interest in pursuing anything – my husband thinks the situation is hysterical, by the way – but I also don’t want to do anything that would put my reputation or job at risk in anyway. Keeping parents happy is an unwritten rule at our school, and I’ve only been working here for a few years.

-Embarrassed/Harassed in Northwest

Dear Northwest,

I am with you on the “creeped out” part. Although you didn’t provide the entire message, it’s hard to read “drinks or more” in any other way than that Mr. Inappropriate is propositioning you.
I wonder if you might have a school handbook or something from orientation that might give us a hint as to how the higher powers might look at something like this. If you feel comfortable with your direct supervisor, I’d suggest starting with that person before you craft a response to Mr. I. I understand your concern about your reputation and position, but I guarantee that your school’s “unwritten rule” about keeping parents happy does not demand that you date any dad who asks.

Meanwhile, Mr. I’s method of pursuit (faceless email) may suggest one of two things: A) he is embarrassed and hiding behind the web, waiting to see what you might do with the ball he just forced into your court, or B) he has done this before, and perhaps has asked the same thing of other teachers who may or may not have come forward yet. In either event, providing too much sympathy could be read as a sign that he should continue the chase. After talking with a higher up about school policy, I’d recommend a brief reply that shuts down the entire conversation without any name-calling (e.g., don’t address it “Dear Mr. Inappropriate”). Make the message clear: you are not interested and this was unacceptable.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is TherapyGeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. We really do want your questions! Send them confidentially to stacy@georgetowner.com.

The Washington International Horse Show

October 24, 2011

At this moment, equestrians worldwide eagerly await a letter bestowing the honor of competing in D.C.’s 52nd Annual Washington International Horse Show (WIHS). For many riders, the summons will not come. Yet, between October 26th and 31st, 500 elite-level riders will enter the ring at the Verizon Center, vying for prize and prominence.

The last indoor championship horse show to be held in a major metropolitan area each year, WIHS has been months in the making. Only recently has the deluge of numbers from qualifiers across the country ceased. Now it’s up to show officials to invite only the best riders based upon points and money won in previous competition over the last 12 months.

As WIHS CEO Eric Straus puts it, “Many people want to come and compete at Washington, but you’ve got to earn your way in legitimately.” This requires a tremendous commitment from the most skilled of riders.
“Most of our competitors will have competed at a minimum of 20 shows [in the last year] to try and get qualified,” says Straus. “In most cases it’s going to be closer to 30.”

That’s a remarkable amount of effort considering the horse show lasts six days, but WIHS is one of the last shows of its kind. Indoor metropolitan championships have been on the wane for years now, largely due to their failed business models — reliant upon wealthy patrons for funding. Additionally,
shows such as Madison Square Garden’s National Horse Show are municipal in name only, with the actual event occurring in Syracuse, NY.

The fact that WIHS still manages to have a $7 million impact on the District each year, according to a report by Dr. Stephen Fuller of George Mason University, is a testament to Washington’s enduring equestrian tradition. Straus raves, “It’s vibrant. It’s alive. D.C., Maryland, and Virginia have a huge equine competition population.”

While the surrounding region serves as the backbone for the pool from which riders are pulled, WIHS attracts star riders from across the globe. Last year’s competition included amateurs and professionals from five nations, some of whom were Pan American, World Cup, and Olympic champions.

Jockeys and their Horses

It’s often easy to forget that there are two athletes in the ring at any given time. But like any sports star, a horse’s abilities must be developed through rigorous training. While light work can start as early as age two, international rules stipulate that a horse cannot be entered in open international
competition until the age of six. This is done to protect the bones in a horse’s knees, which, much like an infant’s developing bone structures, are not fully fused until it has matured. However, with proper stable management and care, horses have been known to compete well into their 20’s.

Rodrigo Pessoa, a talented Brazilian show jumper and Olympic gold medalist, was in attendance at last year’s competition. Additionally, show jumper and Olympic gold medalist McLain Ward was a contender. Hailing from Brewster, NY, Ward and his horse Sapphire are known to steal the show. Just two weeks ago, they topped the richest prize money class in the United States, the $1 Million Grand Prix. Their partnership, says a pensive Straus, reveals how beautiful the bond between horse and rider can be.

The Main Events

Interested parties, keen on witnessing this spectacle firsthand, need not worry about lacking horse show experience. WIHS is bound to have something for everyone. Some basic information for the amateur observer is that WIHS features two types of jumping horses. Hunters emulate foxhunting
with their visually appealing routines and are judged subjectively on performance, style, manners, and way of going. Jumpers, on the other hand, are judged objectively based upon whether or not they jump clean (no faults), and time serves as the deciding factor, according to class specifications.

WIHS also features a class unique to the show, known as puissance, which means “strength” in French. Time is not a factor in this high jump class, where riders start with six fences in the ring. With each clear round, jumps are eliminated until two remain. One of these, the wall or vertical, goes as high as seven feet. WIHS holds the North American indoor record for rounding the wall, set in 1987, with an astonishing jump of nearly seven feet six inches. Feel and timing are critical, as neither horse nor rider can see over the wall. Puissance is a perilous class to compete in, but an exhilarating class to watch.

Barn Night

Aside from the actual competition, WIHS has various side events scheduled to take place throughout the week. Thursday night is Barn Night, which has become something of an institution in Washington.

The evening is designed to draw crowds from Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Virginia, as well as the District. Groups will compete in contests, including Best Costume, Best Banner, and Largest Group by state. Divided into several parts, the evening will feature a parade of group representatives, the Gamblers’ Choice Class, a speed class for jumpers, and autograph signings and photo opportunities to bring things to a close.

Kid’s Day

Saturday is Kids’ Day, which will run from 10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. Expect pony rides and plenty of games in addition to photo opportunities with the new WIHS mascot, Major, and characters from the newly revived television series, My Little Pony. That evening, WIHS will host the Caisson Platoon Therapeutic Riding Program.

The Charity

On top of being a world-class horse show, WIHS functions as a charity that has raised $2 million for its partners in its 52-year existence. This year, WIHS has partnered with the Tragedy Assistance
Program for Survivors (TAPS), Operation Silver Spurs, and ThanksUSA, while highlighting the Caisson Platoon. The platoon operates out of Fort Myer and performs honor burials at Arlington Cemetery. Moreover, their horses are used in equine-assisted therapy at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Bethesda. The work the platoon does with the nation’s wounded warriors and amputees is under-publicized, according to Straus, and their exhibition is intended to promote their cause.

In 1961, Jackie Kennedy commissioned Tiffany’s to create the President’s Cup, the only equestrian cup with the President of the United States’ seal. As the old guard, charged with protecting the President, the Caisson Platoon exhibition precedes the presentation of the President’s Cup.

A military ticket program and the introduction of a new trophy, the Armed Forces Cup, are among WIHS’s other charitable endeavors. WIHS has stated that, for every clear round over six-foot-three, a donation will be made to the three military charities.

Vendors

For those still feeling left out, there will be plenty of vendors hawking their wares on site. Saratoga Sadderly & Outback Survival Gear specializes in Australian oilskin coats and Pikeur. Stablecloth will be supplying custom riding apparel, and Vogel Custom Boots offers made-to-measure boots and shoes. Vandermoore Jewelry is among the higher-end vendors available, and for those with a sweet tooth check out Lady Ann Candies. These are just a sample of the medley of vendors that are sure to be present throughout the week.

The WIHS is sure to be a success, in large part due to the individuals helming it and their dedication to the District. Said WIHS Director of Community Relations, Diana Hosford, “What I bring to the show is different than what [WIHS horse experts] bring to the show, but we’re basically trying to create something that the equestrian world will love and that the local community will embrace.”

WIHS President Juliet Reid, who is responsible for assembling the team that includes Straus and Hosford, has lived in Georgetown with her family for 10 years. “I assumed the role of President last year because my daughter rides,” said Reid, “Washington is our home, and while we travel to shows all over the country, Washington is very special.”

Lifelong equestrians like Straus do not shy away from promoting their sport in and around Washington. Having grown up in Texas, Straus recalls traveling to Middleburg and the Plains to purchase horses. While he no longer rides, he still officiates and urges: “If you’re a young person or an adult who wants to start, you need to find a barn that specializes in beginners. Because everyone needs a good foundation. There is a multitude of barns in the Maryland and Virginia area that provides that.”

If you’re still not convinced that the Washington area is an equestrian mecca, visit the Verizon Center during the Washington International Horse Show. As Reid put it, “Something magical happens for six days in downtown D.C. at the end of October — Streets become stables, and the country comes to the city.” [gallery ids="99199,103409,103430,103414,103426,103419,103423" nav="thumbs"]

The Magical Bond

October 19, 2011

On a cool fall morning last year, my daughter was out for a routine hack on her event horse when they had a fall. Taking a chicken-coop about half the size she usually jumps in competition, her horse stumbled on a loose rock and brushed the top of the jump with his knee. He fell and she came off with half of the reins in her hand. The horse got up first and ran frightened, bucking with the remaining reins flapping around his knees.  After a short distance, he realized my daughter was no longer with him and stopped. As she sat on the ground watching, he calmly returned, putting his head down to make sure she was okay. What is this bond?

We live on a gravel road that curves along a ridge between two rivers northwest of Charlottesville. The northern river comes out of the mountains nearby and is cold, stony and shallow. The southern river is formed over a long stretch of the county and fed by springs and streams until it reaches my farm where it is slow and sandy. For almost two centuries the shallow and rocky soil of this area was home to farmers, moonshiners and loners. The 1970s gas crisis eroded their already narrow profit margins and the farmers welcomed and sold first to the hippies and then those who could pay real money.

Even with rocky soil, care of the pastures on these hills made sure they were robust. The horses that had done the plowing were replaced by the horses of pleasure, foxhunting and sport. In many ways the area looks the same as it did in the 1950s when my wife rode her ponies through the countryside to the country club to get a hot dog.  

My family has a long history with horses including my father, who grew up foxhunting in Orange. When he returned from WWII he kept his hunting mare, Vixen, in the paddock behind my grandparent’s house on Main Street. He rode with Mr. Carter’s Hounds, a private pack in the Rapidan area. Mr. Carter would call to say he was going out and my father would abandon his real estate duties (oh, the days!) and ride down Main Street to join the pack and hunt all day. He admired how little the countryside around my house had changed and I like to think it reminded him of those days with the Carter hounds.

By the time my wife and I met, she had spent a decade in Europe trading the forward seat of her pony days for the more secure, deep-seated riding of the classicists. With this background, we bought our 3-year-old daughter her first pony. Within months, lead shank in hand, I walked alongside as our daughter rode her pony over the rivers and up and down the hills around our home. My wife rode her old horse, and the three of us would be gone for hours. The stories we share are too numerous for this article, but thus began my daughter’s special gift of communication with horses. These little jaunts grew into long truck rides up and down the East Coast, and I have listened as she shared her observations.

Horses are animals of prey and abrupt sounds and unexpected disturbances below their belly still frighten them. With the evolution of the horse from a dog-like size to something that resembles modern structure, the advantages of domestication became readily apparent to our human ancestors. Thus began a successful partnership that changed the history of man in ways more dramatic than the industrial revolution. War, work, trade, sport and even spirituality were changed forever. Think mounted, armor-clad knights facing foot soldiers, the travel of silk and spices to new markets, the emotions stirred by Secretariat (younger readers, check out YouTube) and witness the reverence of cave drawings for freedom and power represented by the horse.

But just like people, horses are different, not just in their size, color or the cadence of their canter but in how they learn and how they return communication. As my daughter moved from ponies to horses, a neighbor and old Swiss cavalry officer insisted she ride many horses to understand these differences. To ride many is the holy grail of an education in horses. With deep-seated technique and balance developed over years of riding cross-country, the use of reins is diminished dramatically to be replaced by subtle movement of the legs and core complemented by verbal command. The untrained horse genetically knows its ancient proud heritage and responds positively to the respect of this effort.

Being an animal of prey, the horse seeks the protection of command and answers the love of human care with incredible devotion demonstrated by my daughter’s horse on that fall day in the woods. He returned to make sure she was all right. Together, they walked quietly home over the rivers and up and down the hills.

Joe Samuels is the broker/owner of Jos. T. Samuels, Inc., Realtors in Charlottesville, Va.  He is an equestrian only through the pocketbook. He is a lousy groom but a pretty good truck & trailer driver.  As an amateur historian, he has contributed to local publications. His essay on Fiske Kimball and “Shack Mountain” can be found on his website and in the library at Monticello.  His daughter, Kate, rides at the advanced level in the sport of three-day eventing. [gallery ids="100301,107587,107582,107577,107596,107572,107600,107604,107567,107608,107592" nav="thumbs"]

In Between the Sheets: Dating is Like Job Hunting

September 13, 2011

Living in D.C. is a lot like living under a rock and living in the public eye, all at once. It is eight square miles surrounded by reality and brimming with some of the most talented people in the world. And while many of the people in D.C. are definitely boyfriend/girlfriend material, finding the one that’s right for you is possible but not necessarily easy.

The catch is that most of the people in this city are so focused, so business-minded, and so dedicated to their jobs that they rarely have opportunities to get out and socialize. Not to mention the fact that, because of the nature of some of the occupations in this city, some people can’t/don’t drink in order to not get sloshed and spill national security secrets. In some cases just being seen out in social bar-type environments can be detrimental to one’s public image (we won’t even discuss the risk of being caught tweeting pictures or cruising Craigslist!).

Now, not everyone in D.C. has a public image. I’d imagine that half of the staffers and interns on the hill can be found on U St. or H St. or prancing around Dupont Circle in the late hours, and you’d never know who they were or what they did. But generally speaking, at least 80 percent of the people in this city are quality people, even though they may be hard to find at times.

Like a strong company looking to hire the perfect employee, there is someone out there looking for someone like you. The downside is the same for both dating and job hunting: competition is fierce and you may have to go through a lot of interviews before you land that dream job…I mean boyfriend/girlfriend.

The keys to finding the perfect partner are the same you would use to find the perfect job: dress for success, get your name out there, and call in favors from friends. Also, do what you love to do and you’ll meet people with similar interests. If you like to bike then join a bike group, if you enjoy museums then visit museums, etc.

Start by meeting new people, even if just for fun. There are TONS of online resources for groups to join and things to do in this fabulous city. Ask your friends and coworkers for suggestions on social events, happy hours, and networking opportunities. And don’t be afraid to start a conversation with someone at the grocery store or on the Metro. Your two-second interaction could lead to dinner and a bottle of wine!

Dr. Dorree Lynn is a psychologist and life coach committed to helping people have better relationships & fulfilling sex lives. Dr. Lynn is a contributing author for The Georgetowner, AARP’s “Sexpert” and has appeared on “Good Morning America,” MSNBC, CNN, PBS, & other national programming. Her book, “Sex for Grownups” is available on Amazon. Follow Dr. Dorree Lynn online: www.DrDorreeLynn.com or www.Facebook.com/DrDorreeLynn.

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships

August 24, 2011

Dear Stacy:
First the good news: we got engaged! Now the bad news: both sets of parents are already starting their own campaigns to control the wedding ceremony.

We’re a mixed faith couple and both sides have certain things they absolutely will and will not allow in the service. My parents are being very passive aggressive about the whole thing. Phone calls include many “suggestions” and not-so-subtle remarks about her parents’ wishes. Her side, on the other hand, is holding us hostage about the venue – it’s their way or nothing at all. It’s only been a few weeks and I’m already fantasizing about ambushing my fiancée after work and just eloping.

It’s a complicated situation because my future wife’s still a grad student, so we are definitely relying on our parents to help fund the event. How do you keep everyone happy when so many different interests are involved?

-Imagining Eloping in Georgetown

Dear Imagining:
First the quick answer to how you keep everyone happy: You can’t (come on, you already knew that, right?).

Now the longer answer: I agree, this is complicated. A wedding is “supposed” to be a wonderful, family-focused celebration of two people coming together. It’s “supposed” to be about asking your community to support that union. But most of all, it’s “supposed” to be about you and Future Wife, not about one side shoving its traditions down the aisle. Unfortunately, when it comes to religious faith (and the U.S. Congress), compromise can be a dirty word. That’s when you and Future Wife must get honest about what you really want.

You make no mention of your own hopes for what a mixed faith ceremony (and marriage) might look like for the two of you. Let’s figure that out before trying to get the parents on board. Once you’re clear, sit down with both sets and be honest about what you have already decided. See how I did that? “What you have already decided,” because it’s your wedding. Minimize the lectures on how petty they’re all being, but if you must, let them know that your wedding (and marriage, because that’s where this is heading) is not the place for either faith’s charismatic tent revival.

If they don’t buy it, then don’t let them buy your silence by funding the wedding of their tone-deaf dreams. While elopement is a fine choice, you can always have a small civil ceremony for yourselves and plan a nonreligious reception with both families involved.

Dear Stacy:
Should I get therapy?

-Frustrated and Anxious

Dear Frustrated and Anxious:
While that’s not a lot to go on, I actually do get this question all the time. And your signature does give us some clues.

I usually describe frustration as a surface emotion, most often covering up deeper feelings of fear, loneliness, helplessness, etc. In small doses, anxiety actually is a motivator that helps identify what is most important to us and helps us focus. When it overtakes our thoughts – keeping us up late at night, resulting in physical symptoms – then anxiety stops being functional and can serve as the body’s alarm system, alerting us that there is something unresolved that needs our attention. If any of this resonates with your situation, then I’d agree that therapy could be a good place to get clear about your emotions and learn some relief strategies.

Now please indulge me with the chance to make up a story about your decision to ask such a succinct-yet-loaded question. I wonder if you might want to hand over the authority on your situation to someone else? Maybe you’re so exhausted by the events that got you “Frustrated and Anxious” in the first place, that you’d like to put someone else in charge for a while? That makes total sense, but before you make an appointment, here are a few ideas about what you should not expect from therapy.

Please don’t go to therapy if:
…you expect the therapist to read your mind.
…you expect the therapist to tell you what to do.
…you expect your treatment to take a certain amount of time and have a specific outcome.
…you expect the therapist to make you feel better.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but the best therapists help us understand the deeper motivations in our own behavior; they don’t impose their own agendas on our lives because, frankly, that never works. Think about it, did it work when you were a teenager? When you came across your first tyrannical coworker? When your spouse tried it? No. And paying someone by the hour to put you back in that situation is a recipe for resentment, anger, and feeling even more misunderstood.

Good therapy is about helping someone put words to the cognitions that may have never been named aloud. It is about describing our thought processes, holding those up against our goals, and then deciding if one matches the other. This is an internal restructuring that takes some heavy lifting on the part of the client. Yes, the therapist is there to walk you through it, but not to pass judgment on where you’ve been and decree what you should do next. If you are curious about how your past informs your present, and want to feel better in the end, then therapy can be one way to get there.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.therapygeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. We really do want your questions! Send them confidentially to stacy@georgetowner.com.

B&B Highlights: Maryland and Virginia

July 26, 2011

A distinct briskness has crept into the air of late, and with a subtle turning of the leaves, fall casually makes itself known. For some, this is a signal to retreat indoors, to find a refuge from untimely nightfall and the evening chill. For others, now is the perfect time to revel in the seasonal metamorphosis. Fall represents a change of pace and a chance to experience Mother Nature’s milder mood.

Fortunately, a myriad of bed and breakfasts within reasonable driving distance of the District serve as perfect destinations for an autumnal excursion. Maryland and Virginia are home to some of the country’s most historic inns and the most beautiful backdrops from which to admire the fall foliage. Given that this year’s seasonal transformation promises to be fleeting, these locations offer a golden opportunity to take in what autumn has to offer.

Annapolis, Central Maryland

A mere 28 miles east of D.C., Annapolis offers a picturesque portrait of fall, and the colonial charm of its historic district is the number one reason to visit. The William Paca House and Garden provide a glimpse of 18th-century elegance. Additionally, the Hammond-Harwood House will hold its annual Children’s Pumpkin Walk on October 29. Tickets are available for a candlelight tour of Annapolis’ premier private residences on November 5 and 6, and while the weather is still warm enough, 74-foot schooners can be privately chartered. Around Church Circle, shopping and fine dining opportunities abound.

Church Circle is also home to Annapolis’ oldest tavern, Reynolds Tavern. Erected in 1737, the restored building is a stunning example of Georgian-style architecture. Reynolds Tavern features three luxurious suites, al fresco dining, English afternoon tea, and the Sly Fox Pub in its cellar. In the pub, formed of the original kitchen and foundation of the tavern, you can take your pick from 20-ounce beers and specialty drinks at Happy Hour. Reynolds holds its place at the top of many wonderful, quaint bed and breakfasts from which to enjoy fall in Annapolis.

Middleburg Northern Virginia

Middleburg is burrowed in the heart of horse, antique, and wine country. Local stables like Quanbeck Lane will take interested parties pleasure riding out on trails that wind their way through the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. For the history buff, the Manassas National Battlefield and Bull Run Parks are close by, and antique-lovers will enjoy perusing shops in Middleburg, Leesburg, Purcellville, and Waterford. And of course, some of Virginia’s best wineries can be found in Middleburg, including Boxwood Winery, Chrysalis Vineyards, and Swedenburg Estate Vinyard.

Briar Patch Bed & Breakfast Inn serves as the ideal base of operations for an autumn exploration
of Middleburg. Constructed in 1805, the historic farm rests on an expanse of 47 acres. The inn itself has eight bedrooms available in the main house and a private cottage out back. Visitors will find horses grazing in Briar Patch’s fields and a porch overlooking the majestic Bull Run Mountain. Culinary options are also bountiful in Middleburg—you can take a weekend cooking class or head out to one of the area’s fabulous restaurants.

Front Royal, Shenendoah Valley

From strolling and shopping along downtown Main Street to hiking the Appalachian Trail, Front Royal offers an array of activities to appreciate the fall. The awe-inspiring Skyline Caverns are a scenic drive away, and you’ll find history everywhere, from the Belle Grove Plantation to the Confederate Museum. Much like Middleburg, wineries and antique shops abound.

Dorastus Cone built his home in 1869 and called it Lackawanna, which means “meeting of the waters” in the language of the Delaware Indians. Aptly named, the Italian-style residence lies between the north and south forks of the Shenandoah River. Today, Lackawanna is a stately, spacious bed and breakfast, with waterfront views and three rooms to choose from. Guests have access to local fishing and canoeing sites, as well as a plethora of hiking and cycling paths to explore. Several nearby golf courses allow visitors to appreciate the coming of fall while getting in a round or two. For the full, fall outdoor experience, bed and breakfasts in the valley can’t be beat.

Charlottesville, Central Virginia

Charlottesville remains a hotspot for those who frequent bed and breakfasts, no matter what the season. When it comes to getting a taste of the 18th century, few places can immerse visitors more than Prospect Hill Plantation Inn & Restaurant. The 1732 manor house remains intact, as do its seven original dependencies and slave quarters. Inn offerings include thirteen fireplace rooms, two candlelit dining rooms, 50 acres of sprawling fields and woodlands, and quick access to historic sites like Monticello, which is just down the road. Most importantly, the bed and breakfast features a 5-acre arboretum that holds the rarest magnolia in the United States. Prospect Hill affords guests a one-of-a-kind front row seat to the changing of the season, and it does so in style.

For those who prefer downtown Charlottesville, The Dinsmore House Bed & Breakfast is conveniently situated on “The Corner”. The Dinsmore has the distinction of being built by Thomas Jefferson’s master builder in 1817. Furthermore, the bed and breakfast has seven bedrooms with private bath and offers homemade breakfasts and afternoon social hours. Being centrally located on the University of Virginia campus, many restaurants and shops are within easy walking distance. Only a short drive from Skyline Drive, The Dinsmore still grants visitors the liberty to throw themselves headlong into fall.

Williamsburg, Tidewater

Few cities take advantage of fall like Williamsburg. By day, horse-drawn carriages saunter up and down Duke of Gloucester Street, showing off spectacular views of fall in Colonial Williamsburg. At night, lantern-lit ghost tours draw screams from nervous participants, and witch trial reenactments are held in the Capital Building. Aside from these curiosities, Williamsburg Marketplace provides a complete shopping experience, and taverns serving authentic colonial cuisine line the streets. Christiana Campbell’s and King’s Arms Tavern are tourists’ favorites, but more traditional restaurants of choice include the Fat Canary and The Trellis.

While there are a number of bed and breakfasts in the area, the 1904 A Williamsburg White House Inn is the oldest. Offering an Autumn Getaway package, the White House features decadent suites, lush lawns, and a serene garden. Conveniently located within walking distance of Williamsburg’s highlight attractions, the Inn is a romantic setting in which to welcome autumn.

Washington residents have a variety of options when it comes to fall travel. From the colonial environment of Williamsburg to the bucolic feel of Middleburg, each place has a character all its own. Bed and breakfasts have a way of bottling their locale’s essence. All it takes is finding the one that piques your interests and heading out on the tree-lined road to get there. A visit to any of these remarkable destinations will make this autumn unforgettable. [gallery ids="99252,104254,104265,104261,104259" nav="thumbs"]

A Beginner’s Guide to Loudoun’s Wine Country


Loudoun, VA is home to the wineries nearest the District. The wine culture is not as old as those further west in Middleburg and the Plains, but Loudon’s vineyards are surprisingly plentiful and diverse, with over twenty wineries that produce different varieties of grapes and wines. The wineries in the area are organized by five regions or ‘clusters,’ Here we will look at the Loudon Heights Cluster and the Waterford Cluster.

Whether craving some award-winning wine or a weekend getaway to wine country, here’s a first look at the wineries of Loudon.

LOUDON HEIGHTS CLUSTER

These wineries surround Hillsboro, one of the smallest historic towns in Virginia. With only around 100 residents, Hillsboro is fittingly named after the hills that surround it. The wineries in this area share in common the breathtaking scenery of the Hillsboro countryside.

The wineries:

Doukénie Winery, nestled on 500 acres at the base of Short Hill Mountain. Their 2009 Chardonnay was awarded the Bronze Medal in the 2011 San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition.

The estate of Hillsborough Vineyards was once owned by George William Fairfax, a childhood friend of George Washington. Their gardens are framed by the nearby Blue Ridge Mountains.

Breaux Vineyards can be described as a tranquil “Mediterranean-meets-Napa” style estate. It has placed an emphasis in Bordeaux varieties such as Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot, as well as unique varieties made into Nebbiolo, Syrah and Viognier.

Notaviva Vineyards’ name combines the Italian nota meaning “music note,” and viva meaning “with life,” and their wines are named using musical terminology, such as their award-winning “Cantabile” Cabernet Franc.

Bluemont Vineyards is an extension of the 200-acre Great Country Farms, a popular family attraction and CSA farm outside the village of Bluemont. They grow Norton grapes, the only grape native to the region.

WATERFORD CLUSTER

The wineries here lie just outside the historic village of Waterford, which was founded by the Quakers in 1733 and is now a National Historic Landmark.

Loudon Valley Vineyards is led by Bree Ann, a native to Sonoma County, CA. Bree handcrafts her award-winning wines and evolves her winemaking style to best highlight the results of each year’s growing condition.

Sunset Hills Vineyard is positioned on the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains just north of Purcellville. The property’s 140-year-old barn and springhouse have been restored, with its charmed, rustic elegance maintained. Great for visiting.

Hiddencroft Vineyards is committed to showcasing the best of what is local, having cultivated six acres of grape varietals that excel in Virginia’s climate and soil. They also handcraft small quantities of award-winning artisan wine.

Corcoran Vineyards is run by Lori and Jim Corcoran, engaging conversationalists who invite guests into their quaint restored log cabin tasting room, offering sensory classes to learn how to decipher what you smell and taste in a wine.

Village Winery and Vineyards is where you want to go for truly handmade wines. Owner Kent Marrs does all the winemaking himself, crafting each wine entirely by hand to preserver the true character and flavor of the variety.

Taking Flight from the Strip


LAS VEGAS — Las Vegas, Nevada, is a blessing and a bet. Once a simple railroad stop with its underground springs and “meadows,” as its name means, the city sits at the intersection of America’s great deserts and west of one of this nation’s greatest natural wonders: the Grand Canyon. During the Great Depression and the construction of the Hoover Dam, Las Vegas decided to allow and profit from gambling and other sins. And it has not looked back much since . . . until now.

Amid today’s economic downturn (Nevada has the highest state unemployment rate), I arrived a few weeks ago at Planet Hollywood Hotel and Casino for the Society of Professional Journalists’ convention. Somehow, that seemed apropos for a profession facing its own awkward challenges.

It was my first business trip to Las Vegas, but I was no stranger. I first visited at the age of six during a family trip—we drove from New York City to Los Angeles in our new station wagon. My aunt and uncle, who last worked at Caesar’s Palace, had moved there in the early days. My brother would later work at the Las Vegas Hilton.

This time around I walked along Las Vegas Boulevard—the strip—for an evening with the lights, sights and crowds. I crossed the street to the Bellagio, as its elegantly choreographed water show held everyone’s attention. Next door was Caesar’s Palace, which boasts its own Serendipity3 restaurant at the sidewalk front. With the Georgetown location opening soon, it seemed time to sample a pricey, great hamburger at the bar. Vegas, mind you, is full of fancy burgers: from KGB, Kerry’s Gourmet Burgers, to the $777 burger at Paris Hotel’s Brasserie.

Early the next morning, before our business sessions, I wandered through the new City Center with its top-end stores, which looks like a Beverly Hills transplant. One local musician, walking home from his night’s gig, told me it did not belong in Las Vegas, which made me wonder what really does.

During the convention, we met with clients for steaks at Mon Ami Gabi at Paris. During breaks, I visited the Miracle Mile Shops, part of the Planet Hollywood complex. There were lots of shops, but Bettie Page, with its retro clothes and lingerie, is unique. The Sugar Factory, offering $25 lollypops, is also pretty sweet. I got to play a little roulette at the casino’s Pleasure Pit (yes, dancing girls!) and relax at the Pleasure Pool for two hours. Alas, I did not see Holly Madison’s Peep Show at PH, nor have I yet experienced Cirque du Soleil’s “The Beatles’ Love” at the Mirage.

My extra time in Vegas was saved for one, singular sensation: a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon. I had saved the best for last. There are several aviation companies operating out of McCarran Airport. I chose Maverick Helicopters with its slick, new Eco-Star copters. Admittedly, I was reminded of John McCain. We arrived at the airport for our morning flight, as each pilot lined up the mostly European tourists. It is an expensive roundtrip—$400 plus—with the landing just above the Colorado River in the Western Rim of the Grand Canyon. From the hotel and back, the entire journey takes four hours. An important tour tip: reserve a mid-day flight for the best illumination of the canyon, as the canyon is overtaken by shadows if the sun is not high enough.

Our pilot went over safety requirements with his seven passengers. We strapped ourselves in, put on headsets and felt the copter gently hover in line with its team of four others above the airport tarmac. “Ready?” asked the pilot.

We popped into the sky above Las Vegas, seeing the four-mile strip with its glimmering hotels, and veered east toward the Grand Canyon. We looked down at Lake Las Vegas—hard to believe that it’s man-made—and then Lake Mead and the mighty Hoover Dam came in sight. Just downstream stands the new bypass bridge, officially The Mike O’Callaghan-Pat Tillman Memorial Bridge, named for a Las Vegas Sun editor and Nevada governor, as well as Arizona’s football player turned soldier who was killed in Afghanistan. Completed 75 years after the Hoover Dam, the bridge takes traffic off the dam’s packed two-lane road and is seen as an economic and psychological advantage for the region.

The etches of Lake Mead’s waters and curves of smaller canyons still caught our gaze as the pilot flew over the extinct volcano Fortification Hill and announced where the military had an airfield for practicing aircraft carrier take-offs and landings during World War II. With desert light whizzing by, we flew near an edge and spied the new skywalk ahead.

“Here we go,” said the pilot, as he took us into Grand Canyon, turning, softly tilting and descending 3,500 feet.

We landed at a spot 300 feet above the Colorado River, part of the Hualapai Indian Nation, with picnic tables for our champagne toasts. We were by—and beside—ourselves in the stately rock of the Western Rim. The cool morning air and absolute quiet were stunning. Parts of the canyon have rocks more than one billion years old. I put a few pebbles in my pocket. You had to look up far and wide to take it all in.

All too soon, it was time to climb back into the helicopters and ascend the Grand Canyon, weaving along the light and shadows of the rock faces and up and over the wide desert, where our aircrafts stopped for re-fueling. We got out again in what felt like the actual middle of nowhere. Aloft, we approached the other end of Las Vegas, as the pilot pointed out Nellis Air Force Base and reminded us that legendary Area 51 was up north several miles. We eased above downtown and flew over the strip, landing back at McCarran. All too quick, but a trip of a lifetime.

Las Vegas also provides air and ground trips to the Southern Rim of the Grand Canyon—the more famous and more breath-taking section, if you can believe it. Farther away to the east lies Grand Canyon National Park lies (I once flew over it in a helicopter, but it didn’t land).

America’s adult playground continues to struggle with lower gambling revenues, while it has so much else to offer. The cirques keep running, the singers still perform, the hotels get shinier and the restaurants more upscale. One new hotel, the Cosmopolitan, sitting between City Center and the Bellagio, opens Dec. 15.

Yet, down the road, beyond the wastelands, reclines an old friend, the mother of ancient attractions: the Grand Canyon. Its playground has been open for millions of years and still can give Vegas visitors a real rush. [gallery ids="99255,104290,104286,104264,104282,104269,104278,104274" nav="thumbs"]

How to Choose a Therapist


 

-The decision to see a therapist can be a hard one to make, as I discussed in my last column, “It’s All In Your Head” (georgetowner.com/living). Once you’ve made that decision, the next challenge is finding the right therapist. How do you go about that?

Most people begin by soliciting referrals. You ask your friends, your doctor, you troll online, search directories such as Psychology Today or American Psychological Association, etc. Pretty
soon it becomes apparent that there is a wide range of varying choices. How do you select among them a therapist that’s right for you?

Here’s one way to think about it that might help simplify the process:

There are essentially three basic criteria to examine before you choose a therapist. Meeting the criteria won’t guarantee success, of course (if anyone EVER gives you a guarantee in this business, run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction!), but it does provide a solid basis from which to work. The three criteria to look for in a therapist are: competence, integrity, and “chemistry.””

Competence
Professional licensure is designed to assure a level of competence through qualifying exams and the requirement of continuing education, so make sure the person you’re considering for your therapist is licensed as a psychologist, social worker or psychiatrist. Checking out their schooling and number of years in practice might give you some more comfort on this dimension.

Integrity
This is hard to ascertain in advance, but it is a vital component in allowing you to feel safe and secure in the therapeutic relationship.

You’re looking for a therapist who can help you. In other words, you’re trying to hire a therapist,
and all those names you’ve gathered are applicants for the job. But the “job” of a therapist is unique in some respects. While in most situations, job applicants can supply a potential employer with references, it’s not possible for the therapist you have under consideration to suggest that you contact a former patient to learn about her work. However, one thing you can do is call and ask for some time on the phone to talk with the therapist about what you’re looking for. If he or she won’t give you ten minutes on the phone to help you make this important decision, then move on. (They may not be free to talk the moment you call, of course, but the therapist with integrity will suggest another convenient time). That phone conversation is where “chemistry” comes in.

Chemistry
Talk to several therapists. See how the conversations go. Ask yourself: Do they ask good questions? Do you like their answers? How about their tone and attitude? Do you feel comfortable? Do you relate to their outlook on psychotherapy? Do you think they might be able to “get” you? Do you feel you can be honest with them? Do you think the two of you can work together? Your answers to these questions are all aspects of “chemistry.”

Psychotherapy is a cooperative project. You and your therapist are a team working on your behalf, engaged in a process that takes commitment and hard work, but can also be joyful and liberating. Once therapy has begun, it’s important to stop from time to time and evaluate—together—the progress you’re making. That way therapy can keep pace with your growth, and the team can continue to be effective.

Therapy is hard work, but when you’re working with the right partner, important, meaningful change can take place. Good luck!

Renee Garfinkel, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist practicing short-term, solution-oriented psychotherapy in downtown D.C. She is affiliated with the Institute for Crisis, Disaster and Risk Management at The George Washington University. For more information, check out therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/69148 or www.sleep-dc.com.