Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships
• June 28, 2011

Dear Stacy:

I am a mother of two kids – 6 months and 2.5 years old. I stay home with the kids, always have wanted to be a SAHM, and for the most part, it’s very good all around. But I keep feeling jealous of my husband’s “freedom” when he goes to work, particularly when he’s sent off on a work-related trip. He says he misses us all, but I can’t believe he’s not at least a little bit happy to have a full-night’s sleep, getting to wake up when he wants to, seeing a new place, and planning his day around whatever he wants to do. I am happy to be home with my kids, but I miss the freedom of getting to take a trip or see a movie when I want to. He offers to take the kids some weekend afternoons, but when I return home I find complete chaos and it takes a good day or two for things to get back to normal. I’m snapping at him, doubting his sincerity when he tells me how much he misses us – I’m just reluctant to believe he’s not secretly happy with his end of the bargain.
–Feeling unequal in Northwest

Dear Unequal:

So what if he is “secretly happy with his end of the bargain?” Would that information actually change anything? From the tone of your letter, I can surmise that Husband might feel guilty about that particular perk of being the sole breadwinner. Can you ask yourself why he wouldn’t want to admit that part to you? Maybe because you might use it against him while ignoring what’s really going on here: the fact that your arrangement might not be 100 percent working for you right now.

We’ve all heard the adage that marriage isn’t fair all the time – neither is parenting, making a living or life in general. If this period of dissatisfaction is just a blip on the radar screen of an otherwise happy life, I urge you to let this go. If, on the other hand, you are struggling with some long-term challenges of balancing his work with yours, let’s take a closer look at that part.

It sounds like you might be feeling like a prisoner to your daily routine. That’s the unfortunate part of being a Good Mother – you know that a regularly-scheduled day makes for happier, healthier, and, blessedly, sleepier kiddos. Just because this cycle is good for them, doesn’t mean you won’t feel chafed from time to time – particularly when Husband is texting you from the latest Tony Award-winning corporate-sponsored Broadway musical. Or Austin’s Restaurant Week. Or (Lord help him if he does this) the beach.

I sympathize that there may be chaos when you return from an afternoon out, but am wondering what yardstick you’re using? Is Husband really letting them set up the sprinkler inside and shred the drapes, or is he just choosing to do things differently than you would? If it’s the latter, let’s take a deep breath and remember what you’re getting in return. The opportunity to be child-free for a few hours just might come at this cost. But if Husband truly lets the kids go wild, perhaps you need to talk about how this makes you feel when you get home. This is a person who keeps telling you how much he misses being part of the family when he’s away – maybe he’d been open to hearing what being a part of the family actually looks like to you.

Dear Stacy:

I am the mother of a 4-year-old. My husband and I are in negotiations about having a second child, but we’re both torn. We had the typical life-explosion that happens when DINKs [double income/no kids] decide to become parents, and have just recently hit our stride in terms of taking care of ourselves, our relationship, and being good parents to our adorable little one. I always thought I’d have more kids, but on some level it seems totally impractical. I’m just now feeling better about my career decisions, and another maternity leave feels like it might be devastating. Then again, when I see friends with new babies, I feel this aching inside. Do you make a life-changing decision based on aching inside? My husband seems to be just as on the fence as I am, so I guess we’re lucky that no one is feeling pressured either way. We just need some advice.
-Going for Two? in Glover Park

Dear Going for Two:

Ah, you’ve emerged from the Terrible (Terrifying? Troublesome? Treacherous?) Toddler Years and are now enjoying predictable sleep, fewer temper tantrums, and the typically wide-eyed wonder of the 4-year-old. Why on earth would you want to go back to measuring your life in 2 hour feeding increments? Why would you want to deal with more diapers?

Well, because you always thought you would have more children. And because you love babies. And because you know so much more now and think you might be able to actually enjoy the infant period this time around. I’ve heard these arguments numerous times in my office…and in my own home…so I completely understand. Many of us wrestled for years with the initial question, “when is it time to have a baby?” only to be caught off guard by the logical follow-up: “Should I have another?”

It’s great that you and Husband are both on the same, albeit confused, page. I’d recommend that you look back to your decision to have Baby #1. What was that experience like? Were there lightning bolts and sirens urging you onward (unusual)? Were you feeling unsure, even as you were trying to get pregnant (normal)? Did you have “yes” days and “no” days? I’ve encouraged clients to take some of the pressure off by taking their daily temperature: “Do I want to have another baby today? Yes or No.” Mark your calendar with the results and then set the discussion aside. Give yourself a few months and then take a look at the data. If you have more Ns or Ys and you still feel disappointed, your gut in that moment might reveal what you really want. There are many other ways to come to a conclusion about this, but as in all big choices, overthinking rarely gets us where we want to be.

BOX:
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is TherapyGeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Please send your relationship questions to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Be the Player at the Polo Match
• June 20, 2011

With the summer season here, what better way to embrace the D.C. social scene than by attending a polo event? Never been? Well here is a quick how-to guide on breaking into the polo scene and becoming a polo-ite with ease and class.

Origins and Rules of Polo

Polo originated in Northern Persia around 600 BCE, but became the game we know today in Northern India in the 19th century. The word polo comes from the Indian word “pulu” which is the name of the wood from which the ball was made. Polo can be played either on a large grass field or in an enclosed area. A full game consists of six chukkas, or seven and a half minute long periods of play. Players score goals, located at opposite ends of the field, and after each goal, teams switch sides. The four players per team are designated by their jersey numbers. Player number one is offense and player two covers both offense and defense. Jersey number three is saved for the best player: the quarterback and the playmaker. Player four defends by keeping the ball up field with long, accurate hits. There are three-minute breaks between each chukka, and a five-minute halftime for divot stomping.

Stomping Divots

The best part about being a spectator at a polo match is that you get to participate and socialize with the players. During halftime, spectators get to stomp the chipped away pieces of turf back into the field. Players frequently join their spectators for divot stomping, taking time to entertain and mingle.

Polo Fashion

Summer fashion will follow you to the polo field. Base your outfit on a whimsical romantic flirting with a preppy style, and lots and lots of white. White linen shorts, white structured blazers, white crop dresses, white ruffle blouses… White is in! Show off your summer legs with some gold wedges; heels will only sink into the turf and wedges will keep you walking above the ground. To compliment the white, accessorize with leather and gold. Knee high riding style boots are always a classic, and gold statement jewelry will sparkle in the sun. To keep the sun out of your eyes and on the polo ponies, hats are a must; fedoras and dramatic floppy hats will get the job done. If you need some color in your fashion life, mix in a preppy color piece like a navy polo or a pastel pleated skirt. A great pair of sunglasses that compliment your face will complete your outfit.

Happy Polo Hour

Many polo-ites never leave their seat without their champagne flute, but there are more than just bubbles to tickle your nose on the sidelines. Mimosas and Bellini’s are a classic cocktail and a tasty alternative. Watermelon mojitos are breaking out in the summer happy hour scene as the new ‘it drink’: something fresh to keep you cool. However, nothing tops the Polo Cocktail: one ounce gin, one tablespoon of lemon juice, and one teaspoon of orange juice. This drink sends the message that you are a serious divot-stomping polo-it.

Players and Ponies

For the time in between the chukkas, chat about the important part of polo: the ponies and the players. Nicholas ‘Nic’ Roldan, grew up in the life of polo. His father played for the Sultan of Brunei in Southeast Asia. Nic is currently the captain of Prince Harry’s charity polo team Sentebale, and a model for Wihelmina Modeling Agency. According to the World Polo Tour Player Rankings, the current leading polo player is Juan Martin Nero from Argentina. His 2011 highlights include a U.S. Open Championship and Finalist at the USPA Gold Cup. Of course there is the beautiful Nacho Figueras, model and top ranked polo player. He plays on the Black Watch Polo Team and frequently models for Ralph Lauren’s Black Label. 2010’s American Polo Horse Associations top ranking pony was Dolfina Noruega, with winning performances in the U.S. Open, Pacific Coast Open and many other shows.

D.C. Polo

Great Meadows Polo Club is only an hour away and offers the perfect atmosphere for the up-and-coming polo-ite. Every Saturday night, weather pending, Great Meadows presents Twilight Polo, open to spectators to wine, dine, and enjoy an evening of polo. They also host weekly summer events such as Girls Night Out and Latin Dance Night. From lists of events to social memberships and even polo lessons, Capitol Polo Club is a great place to start on the polo scene. Located about an hour away from Georgetown, Capitol Polo sports games that members and public can attend.

Great Meadows Polo Club: The Plains, VA, GreatMeadowPoloClub.com

Capitol Polo Club: Poolsville, MD, CapitolPolo.com

Polo Events

These are some upcoming events in the D.C. area to start your polo summer off. Contact the Polo Club for more information about each event.

Great Meadows Polo Club

– Twilight Polo: Every Saturday Night

– Capital Hospice Cup/College Night: June 18

– Disco Fever: June 25

– Military Appreciation Night: July 2

– Girls Night Out: July 9

– Hawaiian Beach Night: July 16

Capitol Polo Club

– Commus Sky Polo Tournament: June 18-19

– 4 Goal Club Tournament: June 25-26

– BBQ & Fireworks: July 4

– Eastern Circuit Constitutional Cup: July 9-10

– USPA 2 Goal Master Cup: July 16-17

SRH
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The Upperville Horse Show
• June 16, 2011

When Colonel Richard Henry Dulany organized the first Upperville Show in 1853, the program listed two classes: one for colts, the other for fillies. 158 years later, the Upperville Colt and Horse Show spans seven days and includes over two thousand horse and rider combinations, 28 awards and eight competitive events.

This year’s event kicks off on Monday, June 6, “Under The Oaks,” 40 miles west of Washington D.C. Since 1853, Grafton Farms has been the site of the oldest horse show in the United States.

How it all Began

Colonel Dulany had the idea to begin the first Upperville Horse Show after coming across an abandoned and struggling colt during the winter of 1853. Determined to encourage surrounding breeders to take better care of young fouls and breed better stock, Dulany hosted the first Upperville Horse Show in June of that year. The show garnered so many entries and interest that a sponsorship club was started with Colonel Dulany as the president. The Upperville Union Club published their first account of the Upperville Horse show in 1857 in The Southern Planter.

By 1902, the organization was renamed the Upperville Colt and Horse Club and sponsored a two-day show in June of that year, expanding to include more classes, entries and events. In the years that followed, the Upperville Horse Show expanded over five days and included entries and riders from all over the country.

Since then, the Virginia Horse Shows Association has voted Upperville the Horse Show of the Year, and its been designated as a World Championship Hunter Rider Show and selected as the National Show Hunter Hall of Fame’s Horse Show of the Year.

Into The Present

Whether you are an equestrian, breeder, exhibitor or spectator, this event showcases the best of the best, as they compete for highly-coveted titles and awards. The competition is fierce, with over two thousand riders and horses ranging from children on ponies to Olympic and World Cup riders and horses.

Riders and horses are either scored or judged depending on the event. In a jumper competition, the main objective is to get the horse to jump over the jump without knocking it down, without concern for form or style while jumping. Grand prix show jumping, the highest level of show jumping, has become a popular and important spectator sport in the United States. Show jumping is also one of the few sports where men and women compete on equal levels, and range in age from 16 to 60.

Horses in the hunter class are judged not only on their ability to get to the other side of the jump, but also on their ease and grace while completing the various obstacles, such as a farmer’s fence, gates, stone walls and posts. The main objective is for both the horse and rider to navigate all the obstacles willingly and effortlessly.

Don’t Miss These Highlights!

Here, we share our favorite events, which we anxiously await each year. Publisher Sonya Bernhardt anticipates the Ladies Sidesaddle Hunter Under Saddle event, which displays women donning old-fashioned Victorian garb as they elegantly perch sidesaddle on their beautifully-bred horses. One of the most formal classes in the event, these women are the epitome of class and grace that represents the Victorian Era. It takes place on Saturday, June 11.

Evelyn Keyes, head of the In Country section, loves watching the Family Classes and the popular Piedmont Foxhounds invitational hack for the “silver foxes” of showing. The event is held “under the oaks” on Saturday, June 11, in the main ring in front of the grand stand.

Daily admission to the show is $10.00 per person. Children under 12 are admitted free when accompanied by an adult. Gates open at 8 a.m. daily.

For special arrangements, entertainment, reserved parking, or box seat information, please call 540 687-5740 or, during the show, 540-592-3858

For a complete schedule of the seven-day show visit Upperville.com.

The National Sporting Library
• June 10, 2011

Escape from the midday heat of the Upperville Horse Show and stop into the neighboring National Sporting Library.

Founded by sporting enthusiasts George Ohrstrom and Alexander Mackay-Smith in 1954, the collection that started with 7,000 assorted volumes has grown to 17,000 meticulously categorized titles.

The library is dedicated to preserving and sharing the literature, art and culture of horse and field sports. It houses extensive collections of 16th-21st century books and manuscripts on equitation, along with hunt diaries, scrapbooks and photo albums.

Besides a healthy collection of first editions throughout, the rare book section houses the library’s oldest volume (on dueling, dating to the 1520s), along with an original manuscript penned by a young Theodore Roosevelt.

The Library offers educational lectures, book-signings and film-screenings. Art exhibits include paintings and bronzes from rarely seen private collections and museums. Art from the Library’s permanent collection is found throughout the Library, including eye-catching weathervanes from the estate of the late philanthropist Paul Mellon. Paul Mellon also donated the bronze Civil War Horse, a memorial on the NSL campus to the 1 1/2 million horses and mules that died in the Civil War.

The Library’s current exhibition is Horses at Work and Play, which displays the Library’s collection of artifacts and antique toys. This exhibit is on display until June 30th.

The Sporting Library is a historical treasure that is free and open to the public. For more information visit NSL.org

The National Sporting Library has also received an extremely generous donation of $250,000 from Ronald M Bradley and fiancé Danielle Kazmier, both pictured in our Social Scene Section attending this year’s fundraiser in Washington D.C.

The Library is open Tuesday-Friday from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., and on Saturday from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m.
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Middleburg’s National Sporting Library Shows Off in the Federal City
• June 8, 2011

Horse and hunt country lovers traveled from as far as Middleburg, Va., as well as nearby Georgetown to the Kalorama townhouse of the Johnsons for a cocktail reception to benefit the National Sporting Library and Museum in Middleburg, May 19. The library’s board chairman Manuel (Manley) Johnson and vice chairman Jacqueline Badger Mars served as event hosts.

With its historic buildings and grounds, the Middleburg non-profit boasts the finest collection of books on horse and field sports in the world. “It is the largest collection of rare books in equine and fishing sports books,” Johnson told the crowd, which included Tom McMillen, former U.S. representative from Maryland and retired NBA basketball player, Scott Wilson, Hector Alcade and Robin Phillips. The library holds a 1683 first edition of ‘The Compleat Angler” along with essays on hunting from Presidents Theodore Roosevelt and Grover Cleveland and extensive photos of President John Kennedy in Middleburg. The National Sporting Library Gala is scheduled for October.
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Granny Gets Her Groove On
• June 2, 2011

Last weekend my husband and I were sitting on the beach on the east coast of Florida, when I noticed him staring at a group of gorgeous, bikini-clad women walking along the shore. I’m talking about drop-dead gorgeous bodies. You can imagine his shock, and then my hysteric laughter, when they got close enough for me to realize that they were all in their 70s and were wearing knee-length white t-shirts with hot bodies airbrushed on the front and back.

My point is that growing up should be fun. It should be exciting to get old, if for no other reason than it gives us an opportunity to cut loose with nothing to lose. There’s no reason why we can’t look sexy, even if we’re faking it. We still feel sexy. We still think about sex. We still enjoy having sex! There is no rule that says you have to be old just because you’ve gotten older!

Sex After 50? Does it Really Exist?
The quick answer is “Yes!” Look at it this way: You spent your teen years thinking about sex and then spent the rest of your life having it (or trying to find someone to have it with). Either way, what reason would one ever have to stop having it, or even stop wanting to have it? If most of us are going to live to be 70, 80 or even older, I’d like to think that we wouldn’t have to spend the last twenty or thirty years of our lives not doing the one thing that we’ve spent our entire lives loving.

Slow & Steady Wins the Race!
Let’s face it: we’re not the acrobats we might have once been. And while we’ve all seen the videos of college kids going wild on spring break, don’t forget that we were the generation that started the free sex movement and created some of the more unique sexual positions and techniques. But if, at our age, we tried half of the antics we did 30 years ago, we would have to hope that there was an ambulance nearby and an ER team on alert. Sex at our age is about the intimacy, the connection, the touching and the kissing. Sex should be just as much about the journey as it is about the “destination.”

It really doesn’t matter how you look. It’s all about how you feel, and you’ve still got a younger, sexy spirit somewhere inside you. So c’mon, Granny—and you too, Grampa. It’s time you reconnected with that younger, inner person and get to grooving!

Dr. Dorree Lynn, PhD, is a psychologist and life coach committed to helping people have better relationships & fulfilling sex lives. Dr. Lynn is AARP’s media “sexpert” has appeared on “Good Morning America,” MSNBC, CNN, PBS and is the author of “Sex for Grownups.”
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Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships
• May 31, 2011

Dear Stacy,
Read your column last issue about the woman whose husband was addicted to video games [May 4], and as a former WoW (World of Warcraft) widow I wanted to chime in. Many people play not specifically because they are addicted, but because they are depressed. My husband played when he was the most in the dumps because in these games you get to accomplish things, be big and strong and feel in control. All things he didn’t get to feel in real life. I know that many recovering gamers admit they did it because they were depressed.
-No Longer WoWed

Dear Stacy
[In reference to the May 4 article] I won’t call it cheating so much, but more of a giant failure or breakdown in communication. He may use games as an escape to avoid the potential confrontation of dealing with the breakdown of communication with his wife. Sometimes guys don’t want to share every detail of their day. To some, if work is stressful or they’ve had a bad day, just saying “I’m stressed” is enough. He is not looking for a fix. When communication in a marriage breaks down, it can be easy for one partner to avoid the breakdown by saying the other one is grumpy or distracted. Meanwhile, the other uses video games to avoid the pre-sleep chitchat. To me, no one is guilty of cheating, but both are guilty of avoiding the real issue: a breakdown of communication. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing healthy about playing video games all night, but this appears to be more of an issue of avoidance than addiction.
-Anonymous

I received a few letters about last month’s column, in which a wife described her husband’s daily practice of playing video games into the early morning hours. I labeled this behavior an addiction and took a hard line with the wife who had made excuses and accommodations for his habit that sounded codependent in nature.

Understandably, my assessment was controversial. Video gaming and Internet use are both incredibly common in our culture and easy to criticize. Many people enjoy gaming as a hobby and are still productive members of society. For some, gaming is a stress-relieving activity just like golf, reading or cooking. For others, particularly those who neglect other responsibilities in order to maintain a habit, gaming is an addiction.

The “depression as a source” question is very important. I agree that it’s likely that the husband suffers from depression, and that the depression invited the WoW coping mechanism. I also think it would be interesting to know more about the couple’s communication style in general: What’s been going on in the marriage that allowed this pattern of extreme screen time to take hold? Still, when a member of a couple is actively engaged in an addictive behavior, there is no chance of improving depression or communication while the addiction is still functioning. In Imago therapy we call that an exit from the relationship. All exits must be closed for true understanding and safe connection to authentically take place. End of story.

I did not name depression or communications issues as part of my response because I felt it was a disservice to provide the wife with another list of “Possible Reasons for His Behavior.” Codependency thrives on such lists. My response and concerns were for the wife, the letter-writer who was seeking advice.

Dear Stacy, “I’ve been married to my husband for seven years and we have two wonderful children, five & two. I’m a stay-at-home mom and love all the challenges and benefits my job provides. My husband, the sole breadwinner, has been laid off from his job. He is actively looking for new employment, but the stress of what the future might bring is starting to take its toll. He can have a short fuse and alternatively, I can be too sensitive. If he gruffs or has a mean look because the stress is getting to him, I take it too personally. Some days are better than others, and I try to be as supportive as I can, but I get frustrated and scared. The “what ifs” keep creeping into my head, and sometimes into conversation. He is very confident that he can and will find a job, but again, what if…? I am absolutely not worried about our marriage; I feel that we have a strong relationship and will no doubt survive this. But, I’d like us to get through this with as much love and respect as we can. Are there any tools or hints you can give us to help during this time of transition?
Sincerely, What-Iffing in Washington”

Dear What-Iffing,
I think your letter reflects a very common scenario across the country, and I thank you for opening the door to some conversation about what helps and what doesn’t when it comes to supporting a spouse during a very difficult time. It really sounds like you have a strong relationship – Husband certainly has a strong ally in this struggle – so much that you are able to look for new ideas to make it even better. So let’s talk about that.

While the short fuse/oversensitivity loop is incredibly common to couples, it packs a lot of power during times of extreme stress. Marriage expert John Gottman names criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling the “Four Horsemen” of a relationship’s apocalypse. In other words, any of those four communication patterns can decimate a relationship. I am not hearing any of these patterns in what you’ve written. I only bring them up as something to watch out for on your “Don’t” list.

For Gottman, criticism is more than just critiquing an idea your partner has put forth. It’s criticizing who the person is, rather than just what he’s said or done. Contempt is an attitude of utter disrespect, which makes the recipient feel worthless, and it has no place in a marriage. Defensiveness, although a very common reaction to conflict, can reflect an inability to take responsibility for how one’s actions impact others. Stonewalling is a way of avoiding issues entirely and can look like one partner completely tuning out the other.

This period of uncertainty is not the time to dig up old relationship wounds and reformat your family communications – save the deep conversations about how you’ve never really liked your father-in-law for another year. But a brief talk about how you both are coping could also include a No Tolerance Policy regarding Gottman’s four don’ts. Beyond that, making sure you have lots of patience (deep breaths), good outlets for your own emotions (girlfriends, exercise), and an attitude of openness (more deep breaths), all may help reduced stress. Be gentle with yourselves – you got into this knowing you were in it for better or for worse, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a negative reaction to the “worse” part. It’s completely natural and stretching your grace-under-pressure muscles could even make your marriage better in the long run. For sure, it will help your kids create a template for their future relationships that is stronger than the average blueprint.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing at the Imago Center of DC in Georgetown. Her website is TherapyGeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Please send your relationship questions to Stacy@Georgetowner.com

Murphy’s Love: Advice on Intimacy and Relationships
• May 11, 2011

Dear Stacy:

My wife and I have separated after 12 years of marriage. We have done the whole couples counseling thing and it’s just time for us both to move on. We have a son who is 10 and I am really worried about his adjustment right now. We will have joint custody and are trying to work out an arrangement to keep his life consistent, etc. I know she’s likely to start dating soon – she already may be seeing someone – and I want to find a way to ensure that our son is not exposed to that. Is there a way to tactfully suggest that we agree not to have boyfriends staying over at the house when our son is present? We are working with a divorce mediation service, trying to save money on the legal fees, so I’m not sure how to make this happen legally. You always say to start with a rational conversation, so I’d just like some help on making that happen.

-Starting the Single Life

Dear Starting:

I appreciate your interest in protecting the 10-year-old. I’m going to take it at face value – you aren’t interested in controlling Ex-wife’s social life, you want to make sure that Son’s life is not complicated by finding random paramours making pancakes in the kitchen each weekend. That makes sense and you certainly can find an attorney who will provide the legal language for your custody agreement.

If you think that Wife is open to having this conversation without making it part of a legal document, I’d always suggest starting with what you are willing to do yourself: “I know that there is a chance I will start dating again and I would like to make the commitment to not have any overnight guests when Son is present.” It’s never a good idea to open a conversation with an accusatory tone about what you think she might be planning to do. From a brain chemistry standpoint, fingerpointing only invites our reactive, reptilian brains to the debate, making no room for our rational, frontal lobe to get involved. You sound reasonable in your concern for Son’s welfare – please make sure that Ex-wife can see you are operating from that place, and that you are not trying to police her social life.

Whether or not Son is showing visible signs of stress about the separation, his life has changed dramatically and it’s likely that he is feeling it on the inside. Setting him up with a family counselor when things are relatively quiet is a good way to make sure he has someone to talk to when more of the reality sets in. Also, please consider finding a support group for him (and for yourself) that brings together kids who are facing family changes. Sometimes healing is found simply in knowing that others are dealing with the same problems we have at home.

Dear Stacy:

My husband is not cheating on me, but I think I know a little bit about how that might feel because he spends the majority of his downtime playing video games–World of Warcraft to be exact. He plays every single night of the week, until early the next morning. We have two small children under the age of five and he helps put them to bed when I ask him to, but you can tell he’s distracted. What’s more I think they can tell he’s distracted, too. Then he goes right back to playing video games. He crawls into bed at 1am or 2am. He leaves for work always in a bad mood, and then we repeat the whole thing the next night. Weekends are a little better in that he doesn’t play during the day, but the nights are exactly the same. He tells me that he has a very stressful job (true) and that this is the only way for him to unwind and enjoy himself. I have tried to be patient and accepting, but I miss him and am so frustrated.

-Single parent by default

Dear Single:

The truth is that Husband is cheating – cheating you out of a partner in your marriage and cheating your kids out of having a father.

I imagine you’ve made some great promises to yourself about how much you will take before making a Big Deal out of this, and that line keeps moving every time Husband explains why he “needs” or “deserves” his excessive screen time. Let me be clear, anyone spending that amount of time playing video games is an addict. And anyone who allows this to happen in her household is codependent. It’s just as risky as the gambler who spends the family’s savings while the other partner makes excuses. It’s just as dangerous as the drinker who is still allowed to babysit for the children. I’m not saying you made this happen to your life, but I am saying you have a role in perpetuating this cycle.

The hard part is that we cannot force someone to break an addiction; the person has to be ready on his own. Husband may not be ready to face his music, but it sounds like you are ready to face yours. You are ready to halt this pattern of codependence and you must act on your instincts to protect your kids. They may be young, but they are aware enough to see a family system that overburdens Mom and lets Dad be absent even when he’s physically in the home – and this is a template that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. You owe it to them (and their future spouses) to replace that template with one that demonstrates how an adult takes good care of herself. Find a support system – therapy, clergy, family, friends. And then get yourself to a Codependents Anonymous meeting (Coda.org) where you can learn more about how you got here and how you can make positive changes. Then talk to Husband about your goals and expectations. If he’s not willing to change, he needs to know that you already have.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing at the Imago Center of DC in Georgetown. Her website is TherapyGeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Please send your relationship questions to Stacy@georgetowner.com.

Wintry Weekends
• May 5, 2011

Every year around late February, the air begins to swell with a certain potential. As the mornings go by, the accumulating whistles of tree sparrows echo like a symphony reaching a familiar crescendo. The slog of post-Christmas drudgery lies vaster in our wake than in our precession. Legs begin to twitch inadvertently beneath office desks. We have done our time cooped up in our beds, fighting the cold, not knowing when we will escape again. Winter is on its last leg. It’s time to get out.

This year, unfortunately, there is still two feet of snow on the ground.

With this surplus of residual snow, however, comes a unique opportunity for those itching for a relaxing weekend getaway. Pastoral bed and breakfasts and luxury hotels surround the D.C. area. The landscapes of these mountain and riverside resorts are still in a rare, delicate state of wintry serenity, while the weather has become warm enough to enjoy nearby attractions. With the leftover snow keeping most people at home, it is an ideal time to take advantage of countryside luxuries with extraordinary intimacy.

The Shenandoah and Charlottesville

Just a stone’s throw from Monticello proper, The Inn at Monticello is a five-acre bed and breakfast, and a convenient base of operations while exploring all that nearby Charlottesville has to offer. Just far enough outside the city to enjoy the rolling landscapes from your private porch or cottage, and down the street from a handful of vineyards, the inn is still only a 10-minute drive from the center of town.

Once in Charlottesville, across the street from the UVA campus, visit the Corner. A stretch of coffee shops, restaurants, bookstores and nightspots frequented by the academic and local community, the Corner is a local watering hole, and a perfect place to enjoy a simple cup of coffee with a good book, grab dinner, or have a few drinks. Among the scenery, UVA’s historic chapel and the “Academical Village” are noteworthy sites that have been temporarily beautified by the snow.

For a more inclusive package, the Boar’s Head Inn offers enough amenities and activities to help you recharge your batteries for a weekend without having to leave the premise. With four restaurants and an in-room dining option, guests can dine as casually as they please. A sports club and spa, complete with a dozen indoor tennis courts, allows guests to strap on sneakers and shorts despite the snow.

Restaurants to check out around Charlottesville include The Ivy Inn Restaurant and Hamilton’s at First and Main. Producing cuisine inspired by seasonal and locally grown ingredients, The Ivy Inn offers classic American fare with modern twists, such as pumpkin ravioli or veal osso buco with sautéed local bok choy. At Hamilton’s at First and Main, inventive pairings such as roasted halibut stuffed with chèvre or crab cakes with lemon-basil aioli are the highlights of the menu.

The Middle Piedmont Region

When discussing luxury dining and accommodations in Virginia, The Inn at Little Washington garners the same reactions that one gets if mentioning Disney World to a four-year-old. The love child of renowned restaurateur Patrick O’Connell, a self-taught chef often accused of having “perfect taste” and a pioneer of the local, organic movement, The Inn at Little Washington is one of the most highly decorated restaurants and hotels in the country — and just about the only nationally lauded two-for-one.

This time of year, O’Connell’s celebrated kitchen is honoring the tail end of black truffle season, one of O’Connell’s favorite occasions to have a bit of elegant fun. Expect such menu items as Maine Diver Scallops with leek purée, caramelized onions, and black truffle. As an additional, limited-time treat that comes out with the meal if you behave: black truffle popcorn with truffle oil, Parmesan, parsley, and a sprinkling of black truffle. “It sounds ridiculous,” says Rachel Hayden, marketing director for the inn, “but it’s insanely addictive.”

The Middleton Inn, an award winning bed and breakfast just down the street from The Inn At Little Washington, sits on a knoll of a country estate with unparalleled views of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Enjoy a four-course breakfast or a wine and cheese hour surrounded by bucolic landscapes and the crisp mountain air. Art galleries and quaint boutiques such as the Middle Street Gallery and R.H. Ballard make for great day shopping.

While rusticating the winter weekends away, vineyards are ideal day trips. Linden Vineyards is a seamless compliment to low-key winter months, maintaining a philosophy of “quiet and calm.” A vineyard of considerable acclaim and prestige, the small-scale producer has earned a reputation as one of Virginia’s finest wineries — and likewise has had a large hand in opening the world’s eyes to the viticultural possibilities of Virginia and the Shenandoah Valley. Their chardonnays are regularly compared with California’s, while the variety of reds all have considerable aroma and full, rich flavors. Perfect to drink on the vineyard’s premise or in front of the fireplace later in the evening.

The Narmada Winery is quite new to the area, and already creating quite a stir. Among a full offering of different varieties, their dessert wine was voted the best in Virginia in 2009. This time of year, while visitors are sparse, visitors have a chance for intimate tours with an up and coming vineyard.

With the mountains still blanketed by a layer of soft, white snow, and streets clear enough for walking around town, now is a unique time to experience rare beauty in the Shenandoahs.

Hot Springs

Let’s be honest with each other. There might not be all that much in Hot Springs, Virginia (although George Washington National Forest is rather pretty). And, yes, it might be a little out of the way. But what Hot Springs does have is The Homestead. This is what matters, and it is worth the trip.

Resting on 3,000 acres of Allegheny Mountain terrain, The Homestead is a luxury mountain resort that has been spoiling their guests since before the American Revolution. This National Historic Landmark of a retreat is ranked among the world’s finest spa destinations, and has enough activities to keep someone busy through the entirety of winter.

There are a variety of suite accommodations from which to choose, including pet friendly rooms. Their world-class spa alone would nearly be worth the trip — even more so in these dragging winter months when skin begins to crave an escape from the dry, cold atmosphere. Revitalize the mind, body and spirit with a hydrotherapy treatment, and then, if the mood is right, go see a movie at the in-house theater or swim in the naturally heated indoor pool, play tennis on the indoor courts, go skiing, ice skating, bowling, snow tubing. To say the least, The Homestead understands how to make the most out of winter.

With nine restaurants to choose from, guests can dine in almost any manner they please. Put on a your evening’s best to enjoy French American cuisine at 1766 Grille, or enjoy a poolside lunch wrapped in a beach towel with a view of the snowcapped mountains just outside the window.

Spring is coming, and, as we stagger around slush puddles at intersections and flip up our collars to deflect renegade snow clumps falling from waning rooftops, most of us agree that it couldn’t get here sooner. Even still, life should be enjoyed in the here and now. With so many unique opportunities just hours away, there are plenty of reasons to enjoy the intimacy and the solitude of the last weeks of winter.
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Spring is for Equestrians
• May 4, 2011

Driving southwest beyond the bustle of DC, the edges of the city begin to melt away into its suburbs where high-rise buildings are fewer and farther between and new condos and housing complexes spring up along the highway, accommodating residents of the nation’s expanding capital. Continue still further south and even those images of city living begin to fade. Low-lying fences of dry, stacked stone run along the twisting roadsides, separating the asphalt from the rolling country beyond. What could be taken as a picturesque scene from an English painting is actually Virginia’s Loudoun County, the heart of America’s Horse Country.

The many stories that make up Loudoun’s long, rich history of equestrian life are housed in the National Sporting Library and Museum, where over 17,000 books dating back to the 16th century, as well as cycles of exhibitions, chart the county’s sporting traditions back to their roots. The current exhibit, on display through June 30, is “Horses at Work and Play,” which showcases literature and toys from the National Sporting Library’s collections and the renowned Athelstan and Kathleen Spilhaus collection.

This fall a new wing adjoining the library’s old brick building will open. The renovated hall will be the home of American and European fine sporting art, celebrating horse culture and field sports with through artistic representations.

Horse culture is also the life and blood of many shops in Loudoun, such as Middleburg’s Journeymen, a tack store and workshop creating custom-made leather goods such as chaps and saddles. It’s also the only place in town to get repairs and adjustments for your gear. The front of the store is home to a boutique where a tailor can outfit you with fitted suits in addition to riding attire.

Punkin Lee, the owner of the store whose strong hands and piercing eyes are at odds with her unique name, has been working with leather as the head of Journeymen for the past 34 years. A Middleburg native, Lee, grew up around horses, hunting and showing throughout her youth. At one time her grandmother’s barn was even the stomping ground for General George S. Patton’s horses, she said.

“It’s the industry here,” Lee said. “Annapolis has boats, we have horses.”

Having made every repair from a camel saddle to handmade leather boots for a dog, Lee stresses that the quality of her work is what keeps her customers from Middleburg and around the world coming back to her store. Pieces of Lee’s world-class gear have even made their way to the Olympics.

For the past 157 years, Loudoun residents and horse enthusiasts from across the world gather in Upperville for the Upperville Colt and Horse Show, the oldest horse show in the U.S. featuring events from children’s competitions to Olympic-level riders and horses. June 6 through 12, the show will enter its 158th season at The Oaks, the event’s beautiful, grass-covered showgrounds nestled in Loudoun’s rolling foothills. For just $10 per person, visitors can watch a packed schedule of daily events with competitions for hunters, jumpers and breeders. Visit Upperville.com for more information.

On May 7, about 50,000 people will travel to Great Meadow in The Plains region of Loudoun for the 86th annual Virginia Gold Cup steeplechase. The day’s six hurdle and timber horse races as well as its Jack Russell Terrier races are famous nationwide, and draw countless vendors, tents and tailgaters. The spectators will also have a chance to compete in the hat contest. Ladies sporting the biggest and best derby hats will be judged in the afternoon on Members Hill. To learn more about the steeplechase, go to VaGoldCup.com.

Another tradition in Loudoun County is the Annual Hunt Country Stable Tour hosted by Trinity Episcopal Church. This self-driven auto tour will enter its 52nd year the weekend of May 28, when drivers will tour a circuit of Upperville, Middleburg and The Plains, visiting the areas thoroughbred breeding farms, show hunger barns, fox hunting barns and country estates. Call 540.592.3408 or visit HuntCountryStableTour.org for more information and tickets.

But riding in Loudoun County isn’t just for equestrian addicts and professionals. It’s a part of life for everyone, including visitors and first-timers. The area abounds with stables and fields where just about anyone can learn to ride. At the southern tip of Loudon, Aldie Dam Stable occupies more than 450 acres of land and offers lessons and trail rides for riders with all levels of experience. Call 540.931.8779 to find out more.

Although Loudoun’s title of Horse Country is rich in history and tradition, the area also holds another prestigious title: Wine Country. More than 54 wineries are scattered throughout the area, their presence marked by the sprawling vineyards interspersed among the farms and grazing fields. The wineries are grouped into five clusters: the Loudoun Heights Cluster, the Waterford Cluster, the Potomac Cluster, the Mosby Cluster and the Harmony Cluster. This arrangement, in addition to the long, beautiful country roads, makes touring the vineyards an incredibly relaxing experience. These picture-perfect venues are wonderful settings to enjoy the slow pace of the countryside while sampling some of Virginia’s best wines. [gallery ids="99655,105340,105336,105334" nav="thumbs"]