Body & Soul

Dr. Dorree Lynn • April 4, 2012

One of the questions most frequently asked by women is, “Why does my boyfriend/husband still masturbate when we have such a good sex life?” Most men, especially younger testosterone-ridden men, find adding masturbation to what may be an otherwise satisfying sex life to be perfectly normal. It’s relatively easy, involves little fuss or muss, and satisfies an immediate urge. It’s only an issue of concern if that’s all he does in the relationship and avoids connecting to you physically. But if the sex is still good, no harm no foul, right?

Masturbation is a natural way for men (and women) to learn about their bodies. Often, and to the shock of parents, male babies frequently find their penises infinitely fascinating. As boys mature and their hormones remain raunchy, whether or not they are in a relationship most men simply find masturbation fun. When you’re in a relationship, it can be easy for a woman to feel neglected or inadequate to learn that her male partner is flying solo behind her back. However, as long as you, as a couple, are on the same wavelength and can communicate your feelings, you are probably going to be okay. Many couples bring mutual masturbation into the bedroom as an extra way of having fun and being intimate. Try it!

Self-pleasure for both men and women is also a way of teaching one’s self about what you enjoy. The more a person understands what turns them on, the easier it is to show your partner that thrills and chills you or what smoothes and soothes you. Most people make love the way they want to be made love to. Unless their partner tells them or shows them what they prefer, it’s akin to two engines full of steam who may miss being on the same track.

Healthy masturbation—self-pleasure inclusive of a sexual relationship with your partner, not totally lacking mutual connection—can actually be beneficial. It causes your heart to race, increases the flow of blood throughout the body, releases endorphins in the brain, and flushes toxins from the body. Furthermore, some research has revealed that people who masturbate tend to have more and more satisfying sex!

Ladies, if you’re away for a while, do you really want your guy to be celibate, become a porn addict or seek release elsewhere? Relax, some single-handed sex is just fine, just ask him to wash his own shirts, towels, socks, etc., as you may not want to be his hand maiden in this area.

Remember when we used to joke about “blue balls”? Jokes aside, they do exist. The scrotum will actually turn a shade of blue when the blood flows into the penis and surrounding areas without the opportunity to flow out via orgasm. It leaves men with the need to “drain their veins,” and any guy will tell you that it can be a painful experience. So, guys learn an easy way to avoid pain. If it doesn’t prevent him from having sex with you, then is there really a problem?

For the most part, it’s safe to assume that most men masturbate (religious prohibition and sense of shame aside). What we, as women, need to come to terms with is that just because your man masturbates, if you are having great and frequent sex, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested in you or that you’re not interested in fulfilling your sexual desires. I’ve never heard a man say, “Sorry, sweetie, I’ve already had sex with myself four times today, I’m beat!”

But why does your man masturbate? He’s known his penis longer than you. It’s familiar, comfortable, stress relieving, and it just plain feels good.

Dr. Dorree Lynn, PhD, is a psychologist and life coach in Georgetown and author of ‘Sex for Grownups.’ DrDorreeLynn.com

Georgetowner • March 22, 2012

*** **Dear Stacy:
The [D.C. Public School] lottery just happened, and the charter school parade continues through the next month or so. Our little girl is in a pre-school program that serves our needs just fine so far. It may or may not be a long-term solution, but we didn?t get into anything else. We may just have to sit tight another year. I?m disappointed, but hopeful. I wish I could say the same for my friend, ?Cassandra.? We got to know each other through our kids? class room this year, and it has been nice to make a new friend. She was very much hoping to get into a different kindergarten program for her daughter but was shut out of the lottery. Ever since, it?s been like she?s mourning a death in the family. I have seen her teary-eyed at morning drop off. I listened to her ranting on the phone a few afternoons while at work and received a 2 a.m. email plotting ?our? strategy for getting the most out of our current school if ?we are both stuck here for another year.? She wants us to meet with the principal together to list our demands, such as which teacher our daughters both must have next year and how much weekly emailing ?we will expect? from that teacher. I don?t really know Cassandra that well. It has been good to have a new friendship with someone in a similar boat, but I have NO interest in putting my name on her list of demands. How can I distance myself from this craziness? ?-Looking for a Chill Pill in Upper Northwest** ***

Dear Chill Pill:
I think you labeled Cassandra?s behavior exactly right ? not when you called it ?craziness,? but when you called it ?mourning.? She is in mourning. She had her hopes set high, yes, maybe too high. Regardless, she is grieving the death of her heart-felt expectations. The thing about grief is that it follows no one?s calendar. It?s about as nonlinear and crafty an emotion as you can find. Her process is not predictable. But that doesn?t mean you have to be her one-woman support group, either.
The lottery was just a short time ago, and Cassandra is right in the middle of her sadness. But you don?t have to be right there with her ? particularly in that you also had a horse in this race. Firm boundaries are needed. You can decide what that looks like for you (For me? No more calls at work is a start). There is nothing wrong with being honest about why you are distancing yourself: ?Cassandra, I also was disappointed, but talking about this all the time is making it worse for me.? If you do not want to sign onto her ransom note to your principal, you may have to be very specific about your reasons. It sounds like she is very much identifying the two of you as feeling the same about all these things. You may need to explicitly name why that?s not true for you.
But give her a little time first. I?d lay odds that her grief will subside with a little more distance herself from the initial shock of not hitting the lottery this time.

*** **Dear Stacy:
My husband of 16 years has put on some weight in the five years or so. He made a New Year?s resolution to get back into exercising, and unlike the rest of us, he has kept to it. Great! The tough part is that he insists on exercising every single day of the week. He?s an all-or-nothing kind of guy. This has turned our household upside down because has been unable to participate in several family activities due to his selfish regimen. We have stopped sharing the to-ing and from-ing at our kids? schools. He spends Saturday mornings doing ?long runs? with a group, and so is not helping with the dance class/sports game juggernaut. He assumes that as long as I am taking the kids with me to the grocery store, he?s cleared to take a quick trip to the gym. I am exhausted and, of course, not feeling super attractive around him and his newfound obsession with BMI [body mass index]. I have never felt further away from him and am not sure how to explain myself without sounding unsupportive of his efforts to get healthy. -Another Gym Widow** ***

Dear Gym Widow:
You say you have ?never felt further away? from Husband than you do right now. This is the place to start when you have your conversation. (You knew I was going to recommend a conversation, right?) I?m going to urge you to explain this from your point of view and try to avoid phrases like ?your obsession? and ?selfish regimen.? I?d assume that you and your perspective on his weight gain had a lot to do with his interest in getting healthy in the first place. A simple check-in about how you are experiencing his resolution may be very helpful here.
At the same time, we need to be clear that while exercise is a great thing, overexercising actually is an addictive behavior. Brain research shows us that exercise triggers the same endorphins and other pleasure chemicals that create dependence in lab rats. With a seven-day-a-week training schedule, it sounds like Husband might be overvaluing exercise compared to the other parts of his life. Start talking about how his new priorities are impacting your family, and how you are open to helping him find some balance. Again, avoid phrases like ?Stacy says you?re an exercise addict.? As with any addiction, addicts never go into treatment or recovery just because someone else told them to do it. They have to come to the conclusion on their own, but you can help get the conversation going by gently explaining your side.

***Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http:www.stacymurphyLPC.com) and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.***

Dr. Dorree Lynn • March 7, 2012

Sometimes it seems like there?s nothing better than taking a trip with that special someone, spending the day seeing the sights, and finishing the night with some nice, no holds barred hotel sex. Often, our daily lives
get the best of us. We give our all at the office and then we give out by the time we get home. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from the mundane day-to-day, get out of town for a bit, and just spend some quality time with someone we care about.

The benefits of hotel sex are numerous. Something about being in a new place, away from home and all the drudges of every day life, can have a positive impact on attitude, mental and physical health, and can improve the bond between partners. Taking a trip together also gives you an opportunity to work together? deciding on a destination, figuring out how to get there, coming to an agreement on what to do once you?re there and finally celebrating your love in a room that isn?t filled with piled up laundry and photos of your family watching
your every move.

Hotel sex also gives you an opportunity to switch your sexual style. It?s not every day that you can have sex on a hotel balcony overlooking the ocean, find a four poster hotel bed that you might consider being tied to or a fancy standup shower that allows you to fulfill a steamy fantasy, or simply a room in which you can be as loud as you want and not have to worry about facing the neighbors the next morning!

But sex isn?t the only reason to go on a short vacation. Don?t get me wrong, it?s a great reason?but not the only reason. The simple act of getting away together should be the purposeof your trip. For example, my husband and I both lead very busy professional lives. Even though our offices are next to one another, we
still often find it difficult to spend romantic time together. When work starts with 9 a.m. meetings and ends with 8 p.m. dinner functions, our ?us time? is few and far between. So we try to take a short trip at least twice a month?if not to have unadulterated intimacy than to just get out of town, see something new, and focus on one another without any distraction or interference. It reminds us why we love one another.

Day trips don?t have to be expensive. Hotels often have weekend and holiday specials. Also, check to see if your credit cards give you points that you can redeem for free hotel or airline tickets. There?s also the option of houseswapping with a friend, or simply staying at a friend?s house who might be out of town. You can even go camping. Ultimately, it?s the newness and the change of atmosphere that makes the difference!

*Dr. Dorree Lynn, PhD, is a psychologist and life coach in Georgetown and author of ?Sex for Grownups.? [www.DrDorreeLynn.com](http://www.drdorreelynn.com).*

Georgetowner • January 25, 2012

*Dear Stacy:*
*I am a 27-year-old, professional, single woman living in D.C. I also have a medical condition ? bipolar disorder ? which is well under control (meds and counseling). My diagnosis has had an impact on my relationships in the past, especially before I got a handle on it in college. I have had a few serious boyfriends since then, but it seems that once I reveal my situation, things start to go downhill. One guy began blaming all of our problems on my being bipolar, even though my highly trusted therapist and I truly believe this had no bearing on our relationship (e.g., I had no episodes during our time together). Another got angry that I hadn?t told him sooner and soon began to back away from me. My question is this: Do I have to tell potential love interests that I have this condition? If so, when is the best time to come clean? I am sick of worrying about this. I only want to find someone who accepts me through and through.*
*?Gun-Shy in Northeast*

Dear Gun-Shy:
First, congratulations on finding the right combination of therapy and medications to feel like you are in control of your diagnosis ? this is not a small feat, definitely something to celebrate. Next, please be gentle with yourself for not necessarily knowing when and where to offer this information to others. With so much misinformation about mood disorders in the zeitgeist, the term ?bipolar? has become a go-to adjective to describe the stereotypically unstable character on cop shows galore. The truth is that many people with bipolar disorder can have very few episodes throughout their lives. The diagnosis is something sufferers are able to manage with certain regular interventions, much like diabetes or panic attacks.

But the question of disclosure is not limited to those with bipolar disorder. When is the best time to tell a New Love that you have been treated for an STD in the past, that you have a degenerative neurological disorder or that schizophrenia runs in your family? Unfortunately, there?s no definitive answer. Some would say: You name it ASAP, and let the chips fall where they may, preventing yourself from getting in too deep with someone only to lose them due to something beyond your control. Others would say: Give yourself a chance to get to know the person first, let him know you and see if the makings of a strong foundation are already there before tremor-testing it.

The truth is that all relationships have disclosure moments (You aren?t a virgin? Your family pastime is passive-aggression? Your dream retirement involves an RV?), and these moments are what we use to size up the chemistry between us. You have a ready-made reliability test to see if you?ve found a good match. Eventually, you can recommend a good book about your diagnosis, e.g., ?An Unquiet Mind? by Kay Jamison). But first let?s reclaim this information as part of what makes you, you. As such, the right match will be with someone who finds it somewhat mundane, but mostly evidence of your strength and resilience.

*Dear Stacy:*
*It?s January, and I am trying my best to focus on new starts and fresh goals. I am struggling because my ex got back in touch with me over the holidays, and I just can?t keep her off my mind. We?ve been texting and she refriended me on Facebook. My heart flips when I see her name on my callerID, but we haven?t seen each other yet. Things ended two years ago because we didn?t want the same things (yes, she wanted to get married and I did not). Now, it seems she?s comfortable with keeping it casual, and I have to admit that I am really enjoying the flirting we?ve got going on. Is there something about the holidays that gets people to revisit failed relationships? Valentine?s Day is coming up, and I keep fantasizing about some amazing reunion between us. Am I being unrealistic?*
*-Mooning Over Her*

Dear Mooning:
You are absolutely right, it does seem that the holidays cause old flames to reignite ? maybe it?s the cold weather that puts some of us on the lookout for revivable embers. It is exciting to reconnect with an old love. With the variety of social media options available, it isn?t hard to imagine why a text from her offers you a charge when compared to watching your Facebook friends change their profile pictures to photos of their kids on Santa?s lap.

Nevertheless, you ask the more important question last: ?Am I being unrealistic?? The conundrum actually has nothing to do with the time of year. You are asking if it?s realistic to think that someone who wanted to marry you two years ago is now happy to keep things casual. Not likely. But then again, you haven?t actually asked Ex, have you? The thing about reconnecting with old flames is that the timespan of the romantic phase of the relationship is vastly reduced. You already had that experience several years ago, and so this time around the honeymoon phase is going to be abbreviated. Once the initial experience of seeing her again, touching her again, being with her again, is over, it?s likely that you will return to the power struggle phase that broke you up two years ago.

But my advice is not to cut off all contact ? not when you have been given this incredible opportunity for growth and self-understanding (sorry, that?s probably not what you were hoping for). Meet Ex for coffee. Check in with yourself about how it feels to sit across from her. Ask some questions about what her life has been like in the last two years. Her answers might give you some insight as to whether she?s really in a more casual space or if you might like to return to where you both left off.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [StacyMurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphylpc.com/), and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. We really do want your questions. Send them confidentially to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Dr. Dorree Lynn • January 12, 2012

Greetings and welcome to 2012! I hope you have had a wonderful holiday and celebrated the New Year in your own unique savvy style. This is the 70th time I have ushered in a new year, though admittedly I can?t recall the earliest ones, and I can?t speak of the most fun ones.
At the start of this 2012, I have many wishes for all: the usual health, joy, fulfillment, prosperity and whatever your special family values might be. But this year, following on a year of so much upheaval and for many in economic pain, I especially wish for positive attitudes. As the saying goes, ?Don?t sweat the small stuff!? And, of course, reach out and remember to love. With or without sex, good relationships are best. Put effort into reaching out. We all need more connection.

Connections come in so many forms and can often be pleasantly unexpected. A young friend of mine attended a long-running holiday party in Florida hosted by two community icons … two artist-musician-hippy community icons. My friend related that he had finally discovered the secret to life. This excerpt is from an email he sent me the following day:

***The host was a musician who played several instruments, and his living room was set up to form a band stage. There were people seated along the wall and a makeshift VIP section on the upstairs walkway that looked down over the band. Six men, all pushing 60 or more, jammed out on guitars, drums, bass and piano, while one woman beat a set of conga drums. When the host, on electric guitar, broke into Stevie Ray Vaughan?s ?Pride and Joy? and started to sing the lyrics, ?Yeah, I love my baby … Heart and soul … Love like ours won?t never grow old … She?s my sweet little thang … She?s my pride and joy …? I looked up to see the hostess dancing her heart out, quickly followed by several other couples.***

***Dr. Dorree, I grew up with these people. I went to school with their daughter, and we?ve been friends all our lives. But when we were younger, we were convinced that our parents were crazy and that we, as a result of being raised by this village of hippy musicians and artists, were destined to be just as nuts. But there were three generations of people at that party, many of whom had been coming since the 1980?s, and every year it?s the elders who play the loudest, dance the hardest, and party the longest … there?s something uniquely amazing in their attitude toward life. Nothing slows them down. Here we thought they were crazy, but all along they?ve had the secret to true happiness.***

If my young friend can start to see a continuity of joy as evidenced by his elders, then we should all be able to learn a similar lesson. And he?s absolutely right: attitude is everything. Especially in a world where there are so many negative people and bad things happening every day, all around us, we can easily find ourselves miserable and unhappy. But attitude is something that requires a conscious, active effort — and, no, there is not an ?app? for that.

So I challenge all of my colleagues, friends, family and fans to just try. Think positively and remain open to new lessons in 2012. Maybe, just maybe, if we can learn to appreciate how others live, we can step out of our own judgments and just possibly make some small steps to understanding our rapidly changing world.

Georgetowner • November 30, 2011

Dear Stacy,

My younger sister just announced that she is pregnant, following a short relationship with a guy she is no longer dating. She lives across the country, while the rest of our family is in the D.C. area. My parents and I were shocked by this turn of events but are starting to get excited about the idea. I know it will be hard for her to raise a baby alone so far away from us, but she has not said she wants to move home yet. I?m getting a lot of questions from our extended family like ?What is she thinking?? and ?Why aren?t you making her move back?? While I see their point and definitely agree that it could be easier on her if she lived near us, that?s not my decision to make. I don?t know how to respond when people ask me so many questions. I know they wouldn?t dream of being so blunt with her directly. What to do?

**-Auntie to Be in D.C.**

Dear Auntie,

Congratulations! Not just on your soon-to-be aunt status, but also on your restraint about telling Sister what she ?should do? next. It can be hard to keep your mouth shut when you see someone making choices you wouldn?t have made ? just look at all those dear extended family members who can?t seem to exercise the same self-control.

You are right, it will be hard for her to raise a baby alone, and she might decide to move close for some extra support and babysitters. But she won?t make that decision any faster if she?s pressured to do so. In fact, your extended family knows this as well, which is why they aren?t pressuring her to move, they?re pressuring you to get her to move. When some of us are faced with a ?crisis? (whatever the definition may be) we move into fix-it mode in order to manage our own anxiety about the situation, usually without being asked. It sounds like the extended family is trying to fix it for Sister, hoping that you will be the messenger. That?s a particularly challenging position ? you might feel like Sister?s mouthpiece, Grandma?s confidant, and Uncle?s sounding board all at the same time. It?s a narrow space: On one side you are the press secretary, on the other you are at risk of being pulled into the sticky business of family gossip.

If you can tolerate the extended family?s good intentions (there are good intentions under there, I promise) and hold the anxiety, keeping it away from Sister, fantastic. If you can?t, or don?t want to, or notice that the price is too much to bear (hair falling out, nail biting, road rage, the usual signs), set your own limits with those good intentions. For example, ?Thanks for your input, but I?m not talking about this anymore,? or the like, is a short, to-the-point way of saying, ?Keep me out of this.? Even if she never knows about it, Sister will benefit from your boundaries. And she?s going to need you on her side.

**Dear Stacy,**

**My wife routinely falls asleep in our 5-year-old daughter?s bed. When this happens ? about five nights a week ? she usually crawls into our bed sometime in the night and we wake up together. It frustrates me that she thinks this is okay. How can I get her to understand that this is not okay behavior?**

**-Sleeping in a King Bed Alone**

Dear Sleeping King,

Well, I don?t have a lot to go on here, but let?s summarize. You want help in getting her to understand that falling asleep in your daughter?s room is not okay. But see, it might actually be okay.

It might be okay if there is a compelling reason for your daughter to need mom in her room at night (e.g., a medical condition). It might be okay if you and Wife are able to have alone time, intimacy, and connection, elsewhere. It might be okay if everything is going well in your relationship already. It might be okay for this behavior to continue if these conditions are met. But from what you?ve said, and more so what you haven?t said, I?m going to surmise that you are unconvinced by her reasons, and that you might be feeling neglected yourself. As one with two small kids at home, I know from personal experience that the blessed time between their bedtime and ours is precious, fleeting and crucial to a happy partnership.

Does she know how you feel? What I mean by ?feel? is how you feel, not how you judge her behavior, or what you believe about her decision-making. How you feel might be abandoned, lonely, sad, embarrassed or worried about what this means for your relationship. When we start the conversation by naming how someone?s actions make us feel in this way, it often makes it easier for the other person to really hear our concerns, and not get caught up in defending her behavior. If she knows that you are missing the connected feeling of being next to her when you fall asleep, she might realize that she is missing that as well, and make more of an effort to resume your bedtime routine.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.therapygeorgetown.com. This column is meant for entertainment only, and it should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. We really do want your questions. Send them confidentially to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Dr. Dorree Lynn • November 3, 2011

My boyfriend is really sweet and sex has been pretty good, but I don’t like the way he kisses. Is there anything I can do?
— Cora, 62

You know how “they” keep telling you not to try to change someone, to just love them as they are? Well, that’s mostly true, but who says you can’t teach an old kisser some new tricks? In many ways, we do teach partners (and they teach us) to make love in a new way that is a melding of the two.

How about telling your boyfriend that you love having sex with him and you’d like to make it even better by trying new ways to kiss? Maybe make it a game and try a new kind of kissing each day. Or ask him to experiment with changing one particular thing, such as holding his breath or keeping his lips too rigid. The key here is relaxed experimentation and feedback. Talk about what you each like. For example, do you know if your boyfriend likes the way you kiss?

After touching, kissing is high on the list of what makes sex mysteriously work. Whether it’s your first kiss ever or your last kiss with your current love, kissing can be magical. Or it can become boring and routine. There are a million good ways to kiss. With the passing years, why stay with the same old, same old? Maybe you’ve always preferred a peck on the cheek, or perhaps deep, tongue “French” kissing got lost along the way while you were raising children or chasing a career. Many times, especially in long-term relationships, people can forget how much they used to like kissing and may become complacent lovers. There may be other reasons as well. For some people, kissing may be more intimate than intercourse and they are holding themselves back from feeling too vulnerable.

It’s never too late to change how you kiss. Play with kissing to see what works for you. Pecks, deep soul-kissing, the quickie, butterfly kiss — what do you like? If you always kiss in just one or two ways, try something new and see what happens!

Dr. Dorree Lynn is a Georgetown-based psychologist and life coach committed to helping people have better relationships fulfilling sex lives. She has appeared on “Good Morning America,” MSNBC, CNN, PBS and other major programming. She is the author of “Sex for Grownups,” available from Amazon.