Living

Lauren Hodges • May 3, 2012

No matter where you live, the season doesn’t feel complete without tuning in to see that annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade every year on television…or, if you want to be part of the festivities, watching it go by in person. While the spectacle of those high-budget floats, top-tier music and celebrity appearances must be thrilling to experience live (and this writer is especially jealous of those who got to see Tim Burton’s “Bee” balloon make its debut), the body-crushing crowds and merciless winds somehow put the whole experience into the “not worth it” category. Okay, maybe it’ll go onto the “just once” bucket list.

But even with all the chaos, you’ve gotta love a parade. Luckily enough for Washingtonians, Middleburg, Va. keeps one of the holiday’s treasured traditions more relaxing with the Middleburg Christmas Parade. For 33 years, a group of grassroots organizers and selfless volunteers have been keeping this small-town tradition alive and it’s become something of a draw for tourists around Delmarva. With its Christmas cheer and small town atmosphere, the parade is the perfect backdrop for those one-of-a-kind holiday memories.

The Georgetowner spoke with the parade’s head organizer this year, Jim Herbert, about the parade’s unique personality and how it speaks to the overall feeling of this irresistible historic town.

Georgetowner: What makes the Middleburg Christmas Parade so unique?

Jim Herbert: Honestly, we have everything but the kitchen sink. And even there, we have something close in that a dog grooming business has someone dress up as a Dalmatian and sit in a bathtub, trying to wash his spots off. Because they make dogs spotless. Get it?

GT: Good one.

JH: Yeah, you gotta have a sense of humor in this parade.

GT: So it’s all local people putting together their own floats?

JH: People and businesses, yes. What makes this parade special, essentially, is that every float or part of the walk represents something that the people of this town really care about.

GT: So what is Middleburg, in a sense? Why should people want to find out what makes this town tick?

JH: Well some might see it as just a part of horse country. It’s an 18th century village and yes, we’ve got a lot of big horse farms. But what we’ve really got here are clauses of care and concern where people reach out and help each other. For example, we have a lot of animal rescue organizations that come out to be in the parade. We’ve got the Methodist Church hosting a breakfast to help an organization called Seven Loaves, which helps out need families. They’re the busiest they’ve ever been in this tough economy.

GT: But that horse country atmosphere is a big draw for your town. So will that be a part of the parade too?

JH: It’s actually one of the most visually stunning parts of the event. The Middleburg Hunt Review, which we’re pretty famous for, has its own event right around this time and we combine it with the parade. They have their biggest meeting of the year, usually about 90 to 100 riders turn out with their hounds on the west end of town. From there, they send a pack of hounds down Main Street and ride through at about 11a.m., when throngs of people are waiting to see them. It’s breathtaking and so significant, a real piece of history. For me, it feels like when the troops go by in front of the grand stand. It’s really beautiful to see.

GT: What else does the parade have going on?

JH: Oh, so much: polo teams, high school bands, acrobats. I’d like to say I had entries this year from A to Z, but it’s really only A to W. I want to be honest.

GT: It sounds a little like New Orleans.

JH: It is like New Orleans! Only we’re a little more family-friendly. [gallery ids="100401,113229,113207,113221,113215" nav="thumbs"]

Ari Post •

While new wineries continue to pop up across the East Coast from New York to North Carolina, there is no region gaining more ground in both quality and recognition than the greater Charlottesville wine region. Farmers over the past 200 years cultivated the soil for fruit crops like apples and peaches, which set an ideal stage for what is now known as the Monticello American Viticultural Area.

One major factor in its success, according to King Family Vineyards owner David King, is precisely its lack of newness. Time has already proven many of the rolling Blue Ridge slopes conducive to cool-climate fruit production, and with the help of Virginia Tech’s viticultural research department and some recently acquired expertise, Monticello has lived up to the wine-growing potential that Thomas Jefferson foresaw there centuries ago.

As we stand on the precipice of winter, vineyards may seem low on the list of worthy discussion topics. Now, of course, is the time where vines begin to go barren and production comes to a standstill until the spring thaw. But while everyone else with the winter wonderland bug is waiting in line at the ski slopes, Charlottesville’s wineries offer intimate afternoon getaways off the beaten path. With the last of the fall wine festivals behind us, tours are down and crowds have dwindled, leaving true wine enthusiasts with a selection of world-class vineyards to explore without the fuss of traffic. And with more than 20 vineyards to choose from, it is just a matter of knowing where to start.

Winter is the season to have long, intimate discussions with the winemakers, get nearly one-on-one tours of the cellars, and odds are, there are some great deals to be had. Underneath the brown landscape and the cold, bustling wind, there lies a world of winter wine, waiting to be discovered in Charlottesville, Va.

Castle Hill Cider
In 1998, a great barn was built in Keswick, Va., on the Castle Hill estate, just a stone’s throw from Charlottesville and Monticello. Located on a 600-acre plot of rolling, endless hills, the barn was designed to accommodate cattle auctions for the surrounding ranchers. Like much of Keswick, the land is undeveloped and still entrenched in the natural beauty of Virginia, with a prominent view of the Southwest Mountains. When architect and landscape designer John Rhett saw the abandoned barn in 2008, with its 8,000 square feet of open space and 25-foot ceilings, he had other plans for it.
Rhett was approached to put a vineyard on the property and convert the barn to a winery, but his thoughts were a bit more interesting. “I prefer trees to vines,” he said. “I thought, why don’t we plant an orchard and start a cidery.” The Barn at Castle Cider is now a fully functioning traditional cidery and the area’s newest event space.

What makes this cider so unique is its ancient production techniques, which go back to the origins of cider production. The cider is aged and fermented in kvevri, traditional amphoras from the nation of Georgia’s Caucasus Mountains, lined with beeswax and buried in the cool earth. “We are the only cidermakers in the world making cider in kvevri,” says cidermaker Stuart Madney. “We really have no idea how long it’s been since cider has been made this way — possibly thousands of years.”
The apple varieties are all fermented individually to retain their unique flavors, and then blended to create different ciders. The apple orchard Rhett planted in the fall of 2009 is made up of 600 trees with 28 different types of apples. Its most prized variety is a nearly forgotten native breed, the Albemarle Pippin. “It’s an apple that became a favorite of Queen Victoria,” says Rhett. “She was given a basket of them, and she liked them so much that she removed the tariff from the apple just so it was cheaper to import them.”

The Albemarle Pippin got here by the hands of George Washington himself. Originally from New York, Washington gave a cutting to Colonel Thomas Walker, Thomas Jefferson’s guardian and mentor, who planted it in Albemarle County.

While cider production has been underway for over a year now, The Barn at Castle Hill Cider just celebrated its grand opening, and now is the perfect time for a visit. CastleHillCider.com

Keswick Vineyards
Al and Cindy Schornberg founded Keswick Vineyards with a mission to listen to the land. Taking a minimalist approach to the winemaking, this family-owned and -operated vineyard focuses its attention on the vineyards themselves to produce the best possible fruit with which to make the wines. Using natural, native yeast, all of their current red wines are also unfiltered and unfined — meaning that all the natural sediment in the wine remains with it in the bottle, ensuring peak flavor and body. And while their wines are in top form right off the shelves, this process makes the wine age superbly. It will keep developing in depth and complexity for five to 10 years in the bottle — good news for the connoisseurs among us.

The Schornbergs chose the historic Edgewood Estate as the site for their dream vineyard after searching the country, recognizing its potential of producing world class wines. It’s also a downright gorgeous property, and with a fine winter frost blanketing the dormant grape vines and the grey hush of the mountains looming in the distance, there is hardly a more beautiful spot in Virginia to warm up with a bottle of vintage Petite Verdot.

They’re also not bad if you like white wines. Their 2002 Viognier Reserve was voted Best White Wine in America at the Atlanta International Wine Summit. They have a slew of other awards from across the country, and they keep raking them in. Give them a visit — we’re sure you’ll agree with the judges.
KeswickVineyards.com

Barboursville Vineyard
Barboursville Vineyards, quite frankly, has it all. Founded in 1976, the winery has been a leader in establishing the credibility of the Virginia appellation with an array of wine varietals, cultivating wines of a European heritage best suited for the regional terroir, or land.

Luca Paschina, the Italian-born winemaker of Barboursville Vineyards, came to Virginia in 1991 after years working in Italy and California, and has since been producing some of Virginia’s fully ripe and high-quality grapes. Paschina got his viticultural training in Piemonte, the renowned winemaking region in Italy. And in good years in Charlottesville, he says that he sees little difference from its growing season and Piemonte’s.

And you can’t go wrong with their wines. From their Cabernet Franc to their Sangiovese, and the Chardonnays and Pinot Grigiots in the whites, Paschina has developed the portfolio of Barboursville wines into a world-class achievement. Their crowning viticultural achievement is surely Octagon, a seamless blend Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Cabernet Sauvignon and Petit Verdot.

This award winning wine, with a dark, rich garnet color and an intense aroma of plum, cassis, coffee and berries, was woven together in barrel for a phenomenally full and silky palate. The tannins are resplendent and graceful. This is not a wine you want to miss.

And beyond the wines and the vineyard, the Barboursville Estate also maintains the 1804 Inn, a converted 18th century vineyard cottage and residence, and the world class Palladio Restaurant, which even offers cooking classes and wine dinners with Barboursville wines. Combined with some of the region’s finest wines, Barboursville Vineyards is an ideal location to while away a wintry weekend.
BarboursvilleWine.net

King Family Vineyard
King Family Vineyards is a family-owned and -operated boutique winery located in Crozet, just 15 minutes from Charlottesville at the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The winery specializes in small productions of ultra-premium wine that showcase the remarkable qualities of nearly 100-percent, estate-grown fruit. Founded in 1998, the winery’s first vintage was only 500 cases. Today, the winery produces approximately 5,000 cases of wine per year.

But David King, owner of King Family Vineyards, is on a larger mission: to make local wine more accessible in the state of Virginia. “We sell everything we make,” says King. “Yet wine made here is only 4.5 percent of the wine consumed in the state. Our biggest goal right now is merely to make more wine.”

There is a large local market in Virginia and its bordering states that has yet to be developed, he says, but with the state legislators helping to promote local wines in more shops and fine dining establishments, consumers have more opportunities to support local growers. King hopes for more wine lovers to discover the burgeoning industry right in their backyard.

During the summer months, the veranda, expansive lawn, or brick patio are perfect for outdoor picnics. In the winter, however, the winery’s tasting room is home to a warm stone fireplace and rich, family-friendly seating areas. Bring your own goodies or pick from the tasting room’s gourmet assortments of chocolates, cheeses, salamis, spreads, and hot French bread.
KingFamilyVineyards.com

Blenheim Vineyards
In 1730, John Carter, Secretary of the Colony of Virginia, obtained a patent for 9,350 acres in what is now Albemarle County, Va. In the 1790s, John’s son Edward built the first Blenheim house.
It was at Blenheim where Thomas Jefferson and his bride, Martha, are said to have rested and warmed themselves after their coach stalled nearby during a snowstorm.

Hopefully, you will have better luck with your vehicle than the Jeffersons, but in whose footsteps would it be better to follow in the historic Blue Ridge tradition of fending off the winter chill than the author of the Declaration of Independence and his brilliant, lovely wife?

Blenheim Vineyards is located on the foothills of Carter’s Mountain in southern Albermarle County, and their varieties include Chardonnay, Cabernet Franc, Viognier and Petit Verdot, among others, and all are outstanding examples of the varietals. Their wines reflect the climate, soil and beauty of the surrounding Piedmont landscape.

The tasting room offers a peak into the barrel room below and a breathtaking view of the southern vineyard.

On the adjacent property, a historic home has been refinished with a freestanding Library, complete with a wraparound porch and fireplace. Try the wine, take in the sites, and don’t forget to thank Mr. Jefferson for finding it first.
BlenheimVineyards.com

Dr. Dorree Lynn •

Chrismahanukwanzakah is upon us once again, and regardless of your religious beliefs or cultural traditions, December can be a wonderfully romantic time of the year to rekindle the romance in your relationship.

I have written numerous articles about the health benefits of sex, including masturbation. Sex is our birthright. It flushes toxins from our bodies, pumps blood through our veins, releases positive endorphins in our brains that make us happy, and provides good exercise — especially for those over 50!

Here are a few ideas to consider when revving up your gift list this year.

Santa’s toy bag isn’t only for boys and girls, adults love to play with toys, too. My personal favorite line of vibrators is the designer brand, Lelo. Vibrators aren’t just fun to play with; they can also improve the health of your erotic zone by stimulating the muscles and tissues within the vagina. Respectably priced, packaged and designed, Lelo products are great gifts to give and to receive.
If you and your partner enjoy using sexual lubricants, I am a strong supporter of Sex Butter: an organic, plant-based lubricant that I believe may help improve your erogenous zone while giving you a healthy dose of the holiday spirit.

Made in the sacred mountains of New Mexico, Sex Butter has been featured in Hollywood gift bags and is a stocking stuffer for almost everyone on my Christmas list this year.

If time is on your side this holiday season, perhaps a short getaway is in order. There are several parts of the country that offer “off-season” prices during the winter. Do you know how many charming bed and breakfasts are out in the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia? Gettysburg, Manassas, and Charlotte are all within a day’s drive and all feature fabulous accommodations and things to do and see!

Want a more elaborate adventure? Join my friends at the 30A Songwriters Festival based in Seaside, Fla. It’s a great way to enjoy a long weekend on the beach at heavily discounted prices.
After a walk on along the coast, cuddle up with your special someone in the Backyard of Love at the Hibiscus Guesthouse while relaxing to the melodies of some of the greatest singer songwriters in the country.

If money is tight, opt for the free gift of thoughtful love. Instead of giving things this year, give yourself. Give time to someone special. Give love to someone who wants it. Give yourself to someone you care about!

There’s nothing quite as romantic for me than warming up with my husband with a bottle of wine by the fireplace followed by some present unwrapping in the bedroom . . . if we get that far!

Most importantly, give thanks this holiday season. 2011 has been a challenging and educational year for all of us.

The earthquake and hurricane brought us together, the occupy protests and political scandals drove us apart.

But in the end, we made it through.

Ari Post •

Throughout the post-holiday lull of January and February, as we try not to let our winter weight-gain springboard from the gastronomic massacres of seasonal indulgence, a strange and uncomfortable claustrophobia begins to sink in. The unrelenting cold keeps us holed up indoors, making it hard to get out even for the morning commute, let alone exercising and soaking up a stray beam of frosty sunshine. Of course, the weather is perfect for one winding winter activity. Ski season is just around the corner.

Whether it’s your first time out or you’re a veteran to the sport, there is really nothing like cutting into fresh powder on your first run of the season. And while the Northeast slopes don’t equal the Western mountain ranges of Utah and Colorado in terms of intensity, abundance and sheer scale, we are chalk full of beautiful, banking ski terrain perfect for families, leisure ski trips and enlivening wintry getaways, with just enough edge to satiate the more adventurous appetites.

If you’re in search of a quick, one-day getaway, a family outing, some serious mountaineering or a relaxing weekend of winter activities, there is a ski slope for everyone within reach of the Washington area. All of the resorts below also have up-to-date, to-the-minute snow and trail reports on their websites that let you know the slope conditions everyday. So, if the snow beckons and the conditions are right, it will soon be the perfect time to take advantage of these frosty offerings.

Liberty Mountain: A Stone’s Throw from the District

The Washington community is notorious for its work ethic. Six-day, 60-hour workweeks are just part of the scene here. Many of us barely have two days to rub together, and long weekends are often more like distant fantasies than potential realities. Still, even workaholics need a temporal and physical release. If you fit this description, Ski Liberty is the perfect day-trip whenever you find yourself with a stray Saturday and in need of an adrenaline boost.

The closest ski resort to the Washington area, its wintertime adventures are available within two hours of the District. They have a range of diverse activities, whether riding solo or visiting with family or friends.

If you are looking for good old-fashioned fun, you might want to try snow tubing on Liberty’s Boulder Ridge slope. It’s a throwback to the days where snow meant no school and sledding. And there is no experience necessary. Enjoy all the fun of zooming down a perfectly carved sled lane and relax on your up back up the hill, with their “moving carpet” that rides you and your tube quickly back to the top for another run.

After the slopes, the Boulder Ridge Lodge is the perfect place to warm-up, complete with party rooms, snack bar, arcade and wrap-around decks to watch the action on the hill. LibertyMountainResort.com

Massanutten: A Wintry Haven for the Whole Family

For more than 30 years, Massanutten has welcomed vacationers to experience the wonder of the Shenandoah Valley. From Massanutten Peak, you can gaze out over panoramic views of the Blue Ridge Mountains and surrounding valley. And from the peak, there’s nowhere to go but down. Make sure those skis are strapped on tight!

More than just skiing, Massanutten is a fully equipped family resort year round. But during the winter, the skis have the floor. This year is the 40th anniversary of its ski slopes, and deals, parties, and and fun are this year’s themes. For information on anniversary specials, visit MassResort.com/40th.

Massanutten’s slopes boast 1,110 feet of vertical incline — the most in Virginia, Maryland or Pennsylvania. If you ski, snowboard, snow tube or want to learn how, Massanutten is the place to be. MassResort.com

Bryce Resort: An Intimate, UnCrowded Winter Retreat

Voted the most family friendly resort in the Mid Atlantic/Southeast region in 2010 by online ski guide On The Snow, Bryce Resort is a small mountain nestled deep in the Shenandoah that will rekindle your love of the Blue Ridge and allow you the intimacy and privacy usually afforded by only more expensive, exclusive resorts.

With the only true beginner terrain in Virginia, Bryce is the perfect place for kids and adults to learn how to ski or snowboard. And for parents and grandparents who might prefer the role of spectator, Bryce has the perfect mountain layout: all slopes funnel down to one central area, so you can keep an eye on your children while sipping hot cocoa on the back deck. While their lower slopes are very accommodating for beginners, they have just enough in the way of advanced slopes and short, steep drops to keep seasoned intermediate and advanced skiers engaged.

And with many of their cabins and lodges opening right onto the slopes, Bryce is like a small taste of Aspen in the Shenandoah. BryceResort.com

Wintergreen Resort: The Beauty of the Blue Ridge

Treat yourself to magnificent mountain views, sumptuous luxury and thrilling recreation at Wintergreen Resort. Spanning 11,000 acres on the eastern slopes of the Blue Ridge Mountains, their spacious condominiums and vacation homes are surrounded by winding trails, cascading streams and lush forests. Wintergreen Resort is peaceful and refreshing, with an endless variety of winter activities.

Twice named “Best Ski Resort” by WashingtonPost.com readers, Wintergreen boasts a thrilling winter playground, whose amenities include the most extensive beginner-to-expert terrain for skiers and riders alike, as well as Virginia’s largest tubing park. Nestled atop the ancient Blue Ridge Mountains, Wintergreen Resort is perfect for skiing, snowboarding and tubing, whether you’re a beginner or pro. Enjoy more time on the slopes while avoiding the lines thanks to five chairlifts, including their two lightning fast “six-pack” lifts for those with an insatiable ski craving. For more information, visit WinterGreenResort.com
Snowshoe Mountain: Adventure Around the Corner

Residing in the mountains of West Virginia, Snowshoe is not like your average ski resort — it’s an “upside down mountain.” Since the village and resort sit on top, you’ll start your ski day going downhill, not up. But chances are, you’ll want to do it again. They also offer new, lower mid-week rates. So, if you can get away for a day or two inside the week, you’ll save as much as you’ll surely enjoy the fresh powder.

In addition to great skiing and riding, Snowshoe offers a wide variety of winter adventures including snowmobiling, snowshoeing, cross country skiing and much more. The Village is the resort’s bustling hub of restaurants, shops and events, all within steps of accommodations. It’s the Village that makes it worth turning a weekend into a week at Snowshoe. You won’t simply have fun. You’ll feel at home. For more information, visit SnowshoeMtn.com
[gallery ids="100433,114271,114264,114257" nav="thumbs"]

Michelle Kingston •

Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday your baby was born? Days were spent taking naps, playing in the mud, jumping in leaves, learning the ABC’s and reading bedtime stories. Money went towards diapers and swing sets, and whatever was left over was placed in savings for college.

Eighteen years went by pretty quickly, didn’t they? Are you wishing you had stashed a little more away?

Today’s statistics for college graduates aren’t pretty. With just a few weeks left before the class of 2012 tosses its caps, many parents are beginning to panic just as much as their children. Not only are their loans weighing on the family’s shoulders, but those vacant bedrooms may soon be full again. Just when you were getting used to an empty nest, your little birdies may soon be frequenting their old stomping grounds a bit more permanently than you had thought. A recent Time magazine survey found that 85 percent of new college grads move back in with mom and dad (up from 67 percent in 2006).

The Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, D.C., last month hosted an event, “Why Am I Still Living In My Parent’s Basement?” where Alex Schriver, the national chairman of the College Republican National Committee, said, “18 percent of youth are unemployed, a number that is more than twice the national average, and graduating student-loan debt has reached record-breaking highs of more than $22,000.”

$25,250 to be exact, according to a National Public Radio. It cited the outstanding student debt at around $1 trillion.

Which part of the country has the highest student debt? Yes, you guessed it. The great and grandiose cherry blossom District of Columbia. CNBC’s special program, “Price of Admission: America’s College Debt Crisis” stated that 67 percent of students leave college with debt and among the highest are of those who attend American University (averaging $36,206 of debt).

So, what does this all mean? When students leave college with such a large amount of debt, they may not shoot for the stars to be the next Barbara Walters or Mark Zuckerberg but settle in to a small office position or retail shop just to pay the bills.

Founder of the Young Entrepreneur Council, Scott Gerber, said that just 54 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds actually holds jobs right now. He says Generation Y has been labeled lazy, but it isn’t necessarily the only reason why many are crawling back home. “The cards are also stacked against them,” he said. “They are going to college and getting a degree that doesn’t equate to anything. More college grads are unemployed than ever.”

Not only are they jobless, but Paul Conway, president of Generation Opportunity, said that 77 percent of today’s youth will also delay a major life decision — such as buying a house, saving for retirement or getting married — because of their debts.

The lack of jobs after graduation, Conway says, is the reason for this delay.

“Graduates are not the first to be hired when the job markets begin to improve,” notes Rick Raymond of the College Parents of America. “We’re seeing a shocking number of people with undergraduates degrees who can’t get work.”

Three million young men and women are expected to graduate from college this year, according to a poll by researcher Twentysomething Inc. Time magazine says these graduates will face a double-digit unemployment rate for their generation.

Such statistics confront both you and your children. Perhaps it is time to remove the boxes you began storing in their rooms upstairs and continue to be a supporting shoulder for them when they move out of their independent college apartment where dreams and aspirations once ran rampant and move back home under the roof where rules and chores will once again be assigned.

My grandfather always says the one thing no one can take away from you is your education. Whether there is a job out there for your child immediately or not, their time in college was not worthless and there will be something to come of it in the future. Allow them to grab the reins, hold on tight and continue to dream, because the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Georgetowner • April 17, 2012

**Dear Stacy:
My sister, ?Sally,? is going through a separation. She and her husband of 19 years, ?Tim,? split up last fall ? it was a shock to her and to all of us when he moved out. He offered no reason for leaving and won?t go to counseling. He says he?s just fallen out of love with her and needs his space. They have two kids in elementary school. Through a complicated set of circumstances I won?t go into, my wife and I have become aware that Tim actually is dating someone, and it is very serious. Sally has no idea. She still believes this is a mid-life crisis, and is being very accommodating about their financial arrangements (dismal) and family events (she still goes to his pretending nothing bad is happening between them; he refuses to go to hers, forcing her to explain everything to her side of the family). I think she hopes that if she plays along and holds her breath, he will snap out of this and the family will get back to normal. My question is this, do we share our information with her? What good does telling do? I?m conflicted because I know I would want to know this important detail, but I also want to protect her feelings.
?To Tell or Not to Tell**

Dear Tell:
I?m sure this is not news to you, but this is a very tight spot you?re in, and there really is no obvious answer here. If you don?t tell Sally and hold the secret for Tim, you are colluding with his deception. If you do tell but are incorrect that the relationship is ?very serious,? you could ignite more of a firestorm between them. If you try the typical Advice Column Recipe for such situations and inform Tim that you know he?s dating someone, and that you will clue Sally in unless he tells her first, then you are inserting yourself into their relationship ? a place you don?t want to be. If you keep asking other people for advice (doubting a monthly column is the first place you took this question, but if so, I?m shocked flattered), this is going to spread like wildfire. In that case, you are in the unenviable position of either lying to Sally when she ?breaks? the news to you, or making her feel more foolish by admitting you knew all along. I?m exhausted just thinking about this.
But let?s be honest, Sally already knows. At least on some level, she knows that middle-aged men don?t run away from their wives and families for ?more space? unless they are undergoing a serious psychological episode (which would already be apparent) or they have someone/something to run to. In sharing your information you are not revealing something that she doesn?t already know in her heart. Meanwhile, in sharing it, you avoid infantilizing her ? she is a grown woman, and a mother, she can handle this. Keep it short, let Sally know you love her, and then get out of the way. She may not want witnesses when she processes the information. Sit back and let her tell you how you can support her.

**Dear Stacy:
I need some advice for dealing with unwelcome inquiries about my fertility. I know that sounds blunt, but there?s really no other way of describing it when people ask me, point blank, why my husband and I have not had a baby. We have been married for three wonderful years and have been trying to get pregnant for most of that time. It hasn?t happened yet and I?m 40. It seems an obvious inference that we might be having trouble, and yet acquaintances/relatives/coworkers seem completely unabashed about asking me, ?Why the hold up? Don?t you want to have a family?? I?m a confident, successful woman in a very happy marriage with a partner I love and respect ? but these questions pull the rug out from under me and I am tired of being self-deprecating and pleasant when responding to something that is absolutely no one else?s business. Ideas?
?Wishing They?d Leave Well Enough Alone**

Dear Wishing:
How I wish that I could explore this topic with a question from one of your ?Askers.? I imagine it would go something like this:

**Dear Stacy:
How can I convince my neighbor/niece/manager that she is wasting her life by not having a baby? She doesn?t realize that she?s old and that her time is running out. How can I tell her in the right way, because I know this is definitely my responsibility.
?Insensitive and Out of Touch**

My answer would be something along the lines of ?WAKE UP, YOU SELF-CENTERED IDIOT. THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND YOU ARE BEING HURTFUL AND THOUGHTLESS.?

Ok, that felt good. Now onto something more helpful.

You want something to say to these ?Askers,? nosy folks who have little or no involvement in your personal life. While I grant you full license to use my previous quote, you may want to apply a more diplomatic response, one that doesn?t open the door to further intimate conversation with these non-intimates. This is the problem, while the Askers? inquiries are definitely hurtful; it?s more likely that these people are being thoughtless, not judgmental and calculating. They simply are not thinking about the monumental decision that is the choice to become a parent. The Askers are not thinking about the very common and well-reported facts of fertility struggles for women above age 35 (how they could miss this, I do not know ? but let?s spin this positively, you must look incredibly young for your age). Askers are not thinking that you might view their question in any other way than in which it was intended: idol, self-centered chatter.

So if your intention is to teach them a lesson, I?m all for a strongly-worded sound bite about obtuseness and discretion. But if you simply want to shutdown the conversation so you don?t have to share any more of yourself with this person, then I?d go with, ?Thanks for your interest, but this is not something I want to talk about.? Then ask the Asker about her new sweater/car/laugh lines. Best of luck.

***Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.com and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:stacy@georgetowner.com).***

Dr. Dorree Lynn • April 4, 2012

One of the questions most frequently asked by women is, “Why does my boyfriend/husband still masturbate when we have such a good sex life?” Most men, especially younger testosterone-ridden men, find adding masturbation to what may be an otherwise satisfying sex life to be perfectly normal. It’s relatively easy, involves little fuss or muss, and satisfies an immediate urge. It’s only an issue of concern if that’s all he does in the relationship and avoids connecting to you physically. But if the sex is still good, no harm no foul, right?

Masturbation is a natural way for men (and women) to learn about their bodies. Often, and to the shock of parents, male babies frequently find their penises infinitely fascinating. As boys mature and their hormones remain raunchy, whether or not they are in a relationship most men simply find masturbation fun. When you’re in a relationship, it can be easy for a woman to feel neglected or inadequate to learn that her male partner is flying solo behind her back. However, as long as you, as a couple, are on the same wavelength and can communicate your feelings, you are probably going to be okay. Many couples bring mutual masturbation into the bedroom as an extra way of having fun and being intimate. Try it!

Self-pleasure for both men and women is also a way of teaching one’s self about what you enjoy. The more a person understands what turns them on, the easier it is to show your partner that thrills and chills you or what smoothes and soothes you. Most people make love the way they want to be made love to. Unless their partner tells them or shows them what they prefer, it’s akin to two engines full of steam who may miss being on the same track.

Healthy masturbation—self-pleasure inclusive of a sexual relationship with your partner, not totally lacking mutual connection—can actually be beneficial. It causes your heart to race, increases the flow of blood throughout the body, releases endorphins in the brain, and flushes toxins from the body. Furthermore, some research has revealed that people who masturbate tend to have more and more satisfying sex!

Ladies, if you’re away for a while, do you really want your guy to be celibate, become a porn addict or seek release elsewhere? Relax, some single-handed sex is just fine, just ask him to wash his own shirts, towels, socks, etc., as you may not want to be his hand maiden in this area.

Remember when we used to joke about “blue balls”? Jokes aside, they do exist. The scrotum will actually turn a shade of blue when the blood flows into the penis and surrounding areas without the opportunity to flow out via orgasm. It leaves men with the need to “drain their veins,” and any guy will tell you that it can be a painful experience. So, guys learn an easy way to avoid pain. If it doesn’t prevent him from having sex with you, then is there really a problem?

For the most part, it’s safe to assume that most men masturbate (religious prohibition and sense of shame aside). What we, as women, need to come to terms with is that just because your man masturbates, if you are having great and frequent sex, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested in you or that you’re not interested in fulfilling your sexual desires. I’ve never heard a man say, “Sorry, sweetie, I’ve already had sex with myself four times today, I’m beat!”

But why does your man masturbate? He’s known his penis longer than you. It’s familiar, comfortable, stress relieving, and it just plain feels good.

Dr. Dorree Lynn, PhD, is a psychologist and life coach in Georgetown and author of ‘Sex for Grownups.’ DrDorreeLynn.com

Georgetowner • March 22, 2012

*** **Dear Stacy:
The [D.C. Public School] lottery just happened, and the charter school parade continues through the next month or so. Our little girl is in a pre-school program that serves our needs just fine so far. It may or may not be a long-term solution, but we didn?t get into anything else. We may just have to sit tight another year. I?m disappointed, but hopeful. I wish I could say the same for my friend, ?Cassandra.? We got to know each other through our kids? class room this year, and it has been nice to make a new friend. She was very much hoping to get into a different kindergarten program for her daughter but was shut out of the lottery. Ever since, it?s been like she?s mourning a death in the family. I have seen her teary-eyed at morning drop off. I listened to her ranting on the phone a few afternoons while at work and received a 2 a.m. email plotting ?our? strategy for getting the most out of our current school if ?we are both stuck here for another year.? She wants us to meet with the principal together to list our demands, such as which teacher our daughters both must have next year and how much weekly emailing ?we will expect? from that teacher. I don?t really know Cassandra that well. It has been good to have a new friendship with someone in a similar boat, but I have NO interest in putting my name on her list of demands. How can I distance myself from this craziness? ?-Looking for a Chill Pill in Upper Northwest** ***

Dear Chill Pill:
I think you labeled Cassandra?s behavior exactly right ? not when you called it ?craziness,? but when you called it ?mourning.? She is in mourning. She had her hopes set high, yes, maybe too high. Regardless, she is grieving the death of her heart-felt expectations. The thing about grief is that it follows no one?s calendar. It?s about as nonlinear and crafty an emotion as you can find. Her process is not predictable. But that doesn?t mean you have to be her one-woman support group, either.
The lottery was just a short time ago, and Cassandra is right in the middle of her sadness. But you don?t have to be right there with her ? particularly in that you also had a horse in this race. Firm boundaries are needed. You can decide what that looks like for you (For me? No more calls at work is a start). There is nothing wrong with being honest about why you are distancing yourself: ?Cassandra, I also was disappointed, but talking about this all the time is making it worse for me.? If you do not want to sign onto her ransom note to your principal, you may have to be very specific about your reasons. It sounds like she is very much identifying the two of you as feeling the same about all these things. You may need to explicitly name why that?s not true for you.
But give her a little time first. I?d lay odds that her grief will subside with a little more distance herself from the initial shock of not hitting the lottery this time.

*** **Dear Stacy:
My husband of 16 years has put on some weight in the five years or so. He made a New Year?s resolution to get back into exercising, and unlike the rest of us, he has kept to it. Great! The tough part is that he insists on exercising every single day of the week. He?s an all-or-nothing kind of guy. This has turned our household upside down because has been unable to participate in several family activities due to his selfish regimen. We have stopped sharing the to-ing and from-ing at our kids? schools. He spends Saturday mornings doing ?long runs? with a group, and so is not helping with the dance class/sports game juggernaut. He assumes that as long as I am taking the kids with me to the grocery store, he?s cleared to take a quick trip to the gym. I am exhausted and, of course, not feeling super attractive around him and his newfound obsession with BMI [body mass index]. I have never felt further away from him and am not sure how to explain myself without sounding unsupportive of his efforts to get healthy. -Another Gym Widow** ***

Dear Gym Widow:
You say you have ?never felt further away? from Husband than you do right now. This is the place to start when you have your conversation. (You knew I was going to recommend a conversation, right?) I?m going to urge you to explain this from your point of view and try to avoid phrases like ?your obsession? and ?selfish regimen.? I?d assume that you and your perspective on his weight gain had a lot to do with his interest in getting healthy in the first place. A simple check-in about how you are experiencing his resolution may be very helpful here.
At the same time, we need to be clear that while exercise is a great thing, overexercising actually is an addictive behavior. Brain research shows us that exercise triggers the same endorphins and other pleasure chemicals that create dependence in lab rats. With a seven-day-a-week training schedule, it sounds like Husband might be overvaluing exercise compared to the other parts of his life. Start talking about how his new priorities are impacting your family, and how you are open to helping him find some balance. Again, avoid phrases like ?Stacy says you?re an exercise addict.? As with any addiction, addicts never go into treatment or recovery just because someone else told them to do it. They have to come to the conclusion on their own, but you can help get the conversation going by gently explaining your side.

***Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. Her website is [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http:www.stacymurphyLPC.com) and you can follow her on twitter @StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.***

Dr. Dorree Lynn • March 7, 2012

Sometimes it seems like there?s nothing better than taking a trip with that special someone, spending the day seeing the sights, and finishing the night with some nice, no holds barred hotel sex. Often, our daily lives
get the best of us. We give our all at the office and then we give out by the time we get home. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from the mundane day-to-day, get out of town for a bit, and just spend some quality time with someone we care about.

The benefits of hotel sex are numerous. Something about being in a new place, away from home and all the drudges of every day life, can have a positive impact on attitude, mental and physical health, and can improve the bond between partners. Taking a trip together also gives you an opportunity to work together? deciding on a destination, figuring out how to get there, coming to an agreement on what to do once you?re there and finally celebrating your love in a room that isn?t filled with piled up laundry and photos of your family watching
your every move.

Hotel sex also gives you an opportunity to switch your sexual style. It?s not every day that you can have sex on a hotel balcony overlooking the ocean, find a four poster hotel bed that you might consider being tied to or a fancy standup shower that allows you to fulfill a steamy fantasy, or simply a room in which you can be as loud as you want and not have to worry about facing the neighbors the next morning!

But sex isn?t the only reason to go on a short vacation. Don?t get me wrong, it?s a great reason?but not the only reason. The simple act of getting away together should be the purposeof your trip. For example, my husband and I both lead very busy professional lives. Even though our offices are next to one another, we
still often find it difficult to spend romantic time together. When work starts with 9 a.m. meetings and ends with 8 p.m. dinner functions, our ?us time? is few and far between. So we try to take a short trip at least twice a month?if not to have unadulterated intimacy than to just get out of town, see something new, and focus on one another without any distraction or interference. It reminds us why we love one another.

Day trips don?t have to be expensive. Hotels often have weekend and holiday specials. Also, check to see if your credit cards give you points that you can redeem for free hotel or airline tickets. There?s also the option of houseswapping with a friend, or simply staying at a friend?s house who might be out of town. You can even go camping. Ultimately, it?s the newness and the change of atmosphere that makes the difference!

*Dr. Dorree Lynn, PhD, is a psychologist and life coach in Georgetown and author of ?Sex for Grownups.? [www.DrDorreeLynn.com](http://www.drdorreelynn.com).*