Body & Soul

Georgetowner • March 11, 2015

Dear Stacy,

I am the person who wrote a month ago about my strained friendship with one of my best friends from my mid-20s. We are now both married with new babies, and I was hoping to get back to being close with her, but she never responded. You advised me to reach out one more time, just to know that I had tried absolutely everything I could. Well, I did. I was met with a response that seemed genuine, but, looking back, not exactly “deep.” She told me she was not angry at me, but was excited to be a new mom with me, and promised that we would spend more time together.

Before any of that could happen, I sent a message sharing news about my little one (serious medical scare, which after extensive testing turned out to be a less serious diagnosis). She replied instantly – which made me so happy – with encouragement. Then, about 30 seconds later, I received a new message from her, definitely not meant for me, conveying my news to someone else, along with a snarky comment about me no longer being able to grandstand about my child’s medical scare. I was shocked. I replied immediately that I was sad to read this, but that, at the very least, it confirmed what I had been thinking all along. She had been angry at me, had been unwilling to talk about it and was gossiping with others about it. Her response was minimal. My question to you is, what’s next? Is there anything I can do?

– Is This The End?

Dear End:

Wow. I don’t know if this is the end for this relationship, but I will say that if you think it’s time to end it, you’ve got my vote.
Who among us hasn’t sent an email or a text to the wrong recipient? We all know the shame of realizing that it’s not erasable, but rather a permanent part of the way the other person will view us. But most of us choose to make amends in that moment.

To be honest, to be truthful even though it hurts – at this point, we’re already hurt, so why not go further? – is the only option when something like this happens. But if Friend replied with a “minimal” response and doesn’t take real steps to apologize now, I think the writing is on the wall.

That writing, by the way, is that you have done all you can do. Sure, Friend clearly has something going on with her, but she’s not shared that info, so you can stop filling in the blanks that would make her mistreatment okay with you. When you saw that she had betrayed you to someone else, your immediate response was a matter-of-fact, “Well this makes sense now,” instead of a giant screed about her rudeness and lack of empathy. That reads to me like serious self-restraint. Keep it up, because you need to heal from this.

Sometimes we have done all we can do, and just need permission to let it go. Give yourself that permission (ahem, you don’t really need it from me). I understand that she meant something to you in the past, but this relationship doesn’t seem like it’s giving you anything valuable in the present tense.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • January 29, 2015

Dear Stacy:
I am exhausted. I feel this way all the time. It’s not a medical condition, I’ve been checked out. It’s because I do too much, too often, all the time. My calendar is out of control. A couple times a year I will splurge on a spa weekend. A few times a month I get a night away from the kids. But the good feelings never seem to last and I always wind up feeling exhausted very soon after. I just don’t know how other moms do it, and I find myself thinking about how they do it a lot, which is also exhausting. I know this makes my marriage harder than it needs to be, but I also don’t feel like he’s very supportive when I need time off.
– Mother of the Year

Dear Mother:
I hear you trying very hard to take care of yourself. You’re just doing it wrong.

You know you need time for yourself. In fact, a few times a year, you get an uninterrupted break for yourself. But you wonder why the results don’t last.

Let’s take that same view and apply it to something else: a diet. Imagine a person who wants to lose weight choosing one or two weekends a year to eat healthy, then expecting to feel energized every other day. That doesn’t work for dieting – oh, but if it did! – and it doesn’t work for self-care.

You have to make self-care into a habit, a lifestyle change. It has to be part of every single day: two minutes of meditation, morning stretching, emailing a friend, taking a walk at lunch, listening to a podcast about the Real Housewives – the list of personal self-care options is limitless.

I understand that you may not feel supported by Husband, but imagine it from his point of view. You are harried and exhausted much of the year, and then leave him with the kids so you can get relief, only to return to him and snap back into tired mode. I wouldn’t support that, either.

Once again, this needs to be something the whole family both supports and enjoys. A mom who builds healthy self-care into her weekly routine models healthy self-care for her family. You have to put yourself on that calendar, too.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to
stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy •

Dear Stacy:

I have a longtime friend from my mid-20s (I’m now in my 30s) and we’ve grown apart somewhat due to different places in life and age. I’ve tried to reach out with invitations for a year, with no real response. Our conversations are perfunctory, at best, and are more acquaintance-like than anything. Although we are now more in the “same place” life-experience-wise (new wives, new moms), my friend doesn’t seem keen on sharing or learning about what I’m up to. Do I just let this friendship go (I’m always the instigator of communication) or ask if I’ve done something that has pushed her away?

– Old Friend

Dear Old Friend:

This sounds really frustrating, but also like a fairly natural occurrence in the cycle of friendships. Sure, Hollywood has given us the fantasy that my preschool best friend should remain an integral part of my life until she moves into an adjoining room at the rest home. But even in the age of Facebook, people do grow out of friendships. If this is what you think is happening here, then maybe you can move the relationship into the “Friendly Acquaintance/Holiday Card” category and move on.

Yet, if you suspect you have done something to warrant the cold shoulder, wouldn’t you really want to know what it is? In the absence of facts, our brains just fill in the blanks on a never-ending cycle of “What if?” How about asking – directly, peppered with love and curiosity?

If she’s actually mad because you did something wrong, you can apologize and get your friend back. If she’s mad because she thinks you did something wrong, and you disagree, you can work on it. If she’s mad because she thinks you did something wrong, and you conclude she’s delusional, then you can save money on the annual postage by moving her to the “Good Old Memory” column. My point is, there are questions on the table.

It often seems so much safer to write a person off without taking on the discomfort and vulnerability of asking the real questions. But when we do, we have the potential to deepen our relationships and to recognize which friendships can tolerate such honesty.

I can imagine you have some ideas about why this wouldn’t work in this particular instance. But do you want to be the person who made assumptions, kept safe and lost a friend – or the one who knew she tried everything she could?

Stacy Notaras Murphy (stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Georgetowner • January 16, 2015

Dear Stacy:

I am a college student who has no interest in drinking. A friend of mine was killed in a drunk driving accident in high school and I cannot think about drinking without thinking of her. It makes me sick. You can guess the result of this feeling in college: I have no friends. I know that drinking is a big part of the way college students relax and have fun, but it’s just not my thing. I feel disgusted when I’m around people who are drunk and want nothing to do with them. But I’m also lonely. I know you are going to tell me to find other people who aren’t interested in drinking, and I have tried, but they just aren’t very fun to be around.

– Sober and Lonely

Dear Sober and Lonely,

You’re right, part of what I am going to say is exactly what you feared I would: It’s time to find friends who aren’t interested in drinking. But that’s not all. It’s also time for you to find friends who ARE interested in the other things that interest you (not just sobriety – that does sound boring). And if you are vetting potential friends based on the drinking tendencies of all applicants, it’s no wonder you aren’t having a lot of fun. It can be as important to consider what you want to do on a Friday night with friends as to consider what you don’t want to do. Work on framing these thoughts positively. It can have a real impact on your energy for going out and making new connections.
But the second half of my advice is this: You shouldn’t have flashbacks about the loss of your friend whenever you think about alcohol. That’s not okay. At best, it’s a sign of some unresolved feelings. At worst, it could be post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a very real condition that responds well to treatment. Please reach out to your school’s counseling center or send me a private message. You do not have to feel this way forever. In fact, the more work you do to fully grieve the loss of your friend, the easier it may be to find new ones. ?

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Rachel Scola •

It’s August. Six months ago, some of us were making New Years resolutions to work out more, but, as we all most likely know, working out can seem like a different world. Everyone has tips and tricks, and it can be overwhelming to know where to start. This is why it is important to touch base with a professional.

Brendan Mundorf attended the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, plays attack for professional lacrosse team Denver Outlaws, and is a big enthusiast of Rockin’ Refuel protein shakes. Protein shakes­­ are a semi-foreign concept to some of us who don’t stay fit for our careers. Mundorf has been playing with the Outlaws since 2006 and has games throughout the summer but still found the time to talk to us.

RS: What does a daily workout include for you as a professional lacrosse player?

BM: My workouts start with a dynamic warm up followed by some ladder footwork drills. Then my trainer will have some sort of agility or speed work mixed in with some strength exercises like medicine ball slams…I do two of these workouts a week and try to get two lifting workouts in as well.

RS: What is muscle recovery in your own words and why is it important?

BM: During a workout you tear and break down muscle tissue. In order for your body to repair and build your muscle, you must put enough protein in your body to do so. I notice when I use Rockin’ Refuel to recover after workouts and games, I have increases in muscle and I am able to perform at a higher level the next time. If I don’t put a good source of protein in my body after a workout, I never see the benefits of my hard work.

RS: Any recommendations for beginners who might have casually worked out but are trying to get serious and get in shape?

BM: In order to see results, you must take your workouts to the next level. Challenge yourself and take care of your body. Drink a Refuel within 30 minutes of the end of a workout to maximize your results and keep your body healthy.

RS: And for the intermediate exercisers?

BM: If you have been working out for a while and want to advance yourself, I would recommend you mix up your training and try some new types of training. If you have never used a post workout protein shake, you need to. You will be pleased with the results.

RS: Do you have any summer-specific favorite meals or foods to include in a balanced diet?

BM: I eat a lot of chicken. I do a lot of grilling at home and I think it is a really healthy way to eat. Any time you can get some lean meat and a lot of fresh green vegetables, you’re doing good.

I, for one, am inspired to get my act together and start drinking more protein with my workout. Remember that it’s never too late to find your workout routine, and don’t expect to be on an advanced level if you’re just beginning. Challenging yourself is smart, but hurting yourself is not. A lot of gyms offer trial memberships to test the waters, but a gym isn’t always a necessity. If you have a space to stretch, run, and have a pair of weights, you can work out. Like Mundorf said, protein shakes will enhance your workout. You have to break down your muscle in a workout before it rebuilds and you grow stronger, and protein shakes have the amino acids necessary to rebuild muscle. Mundorf’s favorite—Rockin’ Refuel—takes low-fat milk, a natural re-hydrator with nutrients needed to replenish, and enhances it with more protein (20 grams) to make a natural and delicious drink for post-workout. Milk replenishes the body with the electrolytes and carbs lost during workouts and Rockin’ Refuel harnesses and enhances this ability to create a protein shake loved by professional and collegiate athletes alike. There are several flavors and different types depending on how intense your workout was. The easily labeled bottles can be found in the milk section of your local grocer.

Georgetowner • December 4, 2014

Dear Stacy:
My husband has a history of trauma. I won’t give specifics, but he had a rough childhood filled with all kinds of abuse. For the most part, this doesn’t affect him and our daily life, but I am starting to worry about how he disciplines our kids. He is really hard on them, especially our boys, when they do things that most boys do, like roughhousing and being aggressive about certain things. I want us to talk about our parenting and I know that we will have to talk about how his history is impacting our kids, but I worry about bringing it up. It’s not really something we’ve discussed very much and I don’t think he’s dealt with it much on his own. But when I see him get so angry with our kids, I worry that he might lose some control in the way he experienced as a kid. I don’t know what to do to prevent this.
–Worried and Watching

Dear Watching:

Thank you for writing this and giving me the chance to remind all of us (I’m talking to myself, here, too) that our childhoods absolutely do impact how we treat our own children. They do. Now, I’m not at all sure that’s what is happening in your home, but I want to reiterate that our childhoods impact how we parent.

I’m sorry that you are concerned about how Husband is disciplining your kids. That can be very frustrating, at the very least, and highly frightening, at the very worst. We have one defense against transmitting an abusive past into an abusive present: consciousness. When we become conscious of any negative messages we received in our childhoods (about what to expect from our relationships, about what to do when we feel angry, etc.), we are empowered to change the story with our own kids. Similarly, when we become aware of what worked in childhood – like when we felt most loved, or the ways we felt validated when we expressed ourselves – we are more inclined to value those things with our own kids.

So, going back to your situation, we know that Husband had a tough childhood. He may not be aware of how it influences the decisions he’s making about raising your kids, but I’ll guess he will be less defensive about looking at all of that if you gently approach him with a little curiosity about your own history (READ: this can’t be a lecture about how his Screwed-Up Childhood is harming your babies – seriously, that is not going to work). This needs to be a partnership process – and taking your turn first can make it easier for him to let down his guard.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • November 19, 2014

Dear Stacy:

*I am in my early 40s and have several friends from college who still live in the area. We get together every few months to have brunch or happy hour, and recently I have noticed that I am irritated by them and not interested in hearing more about their personal lives. I know how this sounds ­– I am being petty and rude – but I don’t understand why we have to go out and talk about the same things over and over again (e.g., kids, vacations, home improvements). Seriously, they go on and on about the most domestic, conventional issues. When did we get so boring? Why can’t we talk about our goals and dreams, like we used to in college? I try to float new conversation topics, but they fall like lead balloons. Is this what inevitably happens when you get old?*

– Bored by my Buddies

Dear Bored,

You sound like a lot of fun at brunch.

While I don’t necessarily think that aging inevitably translates into boring your friends with talk about gutter projects and piano recital reviews, sometimes that is what is going on in your life and you talk it through with your friends. The problem here, I think, is that you aren’t actually friends with these people anymore.
We do grow up after college and often that means we also grow apart. Though I don’t think this means you have to cancel all future get-togethers with College Crowd, you might do well to set your expectations a little lower. Take yourself back to those late-night discussions with your dorm-mates. You were talking about the issues of “that day” – including goals and dreams –because that’s what was on your plate back then. Today, the plate is crowded with other topics because that’s real life in your 40s.
Those people were your college compatriots mostly due to the circumstance of being assigned to the same dorm floor, class list or extracurricular team. As adults we get to choose our friends and – while it’s been documented that making new friends post-college is a challenging business – that means we can seek out people who have similar interests. So when you’re at the next goals and dreams meet-up, set a few brunch dates with similarly minded folks. And keep the old friends on the calendar as well. You might appreciate being a member of both groups, once you see what that feels like.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • November 6, 2014

Dear Stacy:
My girlfriend and I have been dating since college and living together for a few years. She wants to get married. I think she’s feeling pressure from friends who are getting engaged and starting families. I don’t necessarily not want to get married, I’m just not feeling the need to do it right now. She is trying not to pressure me, but it worries her (she wants to have kids, she is worried about her age) and that affects our relationship. Should I just do it even if I’m not ready?

–No Rush

Dear No Rush:

I really love your choice of words here, as I think you know I’m not about to say anyone should go ahead and get married, even if they’re “not ready.” But a realistic follow-up question from me would have to be, do you know why you’re not ready now? Is this something you’re working on in any way, shape or form? Or are you just sitting on the sidelines, watching Girlfriend serve her time as a bridesmaid and baby-shower hostess, and waiting for her anxiety to launch her off into the stratosphere so you don’t have to ask yourself any hard questions?

This is a very tricky situation for Girlfriend. She has spent (what sounds like) years in a relationship with you, reaching the (seemingly universal) stage where friends far and wide start making the big commitments to one another – moving in, getting engaged, having kids. She knows that she wants more than cohabitation, and she’s told you that. Now she has to walk the narrow line of waiting for you to make up your mind, while also not appearing anxious or needy in any way. But shouldn’t this kind of major life decision invite some kind of anxiety? Aren’t the big choices the kind that require conversation and communication? Why is this just your decision to make?

Yes, you say she wants to get married, and I am going to amend that sentence to say she knows she wants to get married to you. It’s your turn to decide if you want to get married to her. Do it soon. If you have a reason that is preventing your decision-making – one that is not about her and outside of her control, like a family history of divorce, or a fear of the Chicken Dance – get thee to a therapist and figure it out. If the reason is about her then, also, do not delay. Put your cards on the table because you are not helping her get what she wants if you know what you don’t want and you don’t tell her about it. That’s not fair. You say her worrying impacts your relationship – the answer isn’t for you to rush into something you don’t really want. The answer is for you to really do some self-exploration and figure out what you do want.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • October 23, 2014

Dear Stacy:
I can’t stop texting my ex. I know I need to stop, but I have a lot of questions about how things ended and I am not getting the answers I need (or maybe that I want to hear). I have tried to stop many times, even asked my ex to block my number, but I still keep going back to it. I know it’s making it harder to get over the relationship.
-Texting Mess

Dear Texting:
First, you are not alone. This is actually a topic that comes up a lot in my office. I am impressed that you are the one asking for help to make this stop rather than shifting the focus onto how Ex has wronged you and using that as justification for your actions. You can get better but it may not be easy.

This is harassment and it could have legal repercussions. I checked in with local attorney Regina DeMeo and she explains that while it could be difficult for Ex to obtain a restraining order based on compulsive texting alone, you need to tread lightly here. “Any legal action involving an adult is part of the public record, and when companies or credit bureaus do background checks on people, orders entered against someone can harm their chances of employment and damage credit scores,” she says. “If you have a Protective Order entered against you, it can jeopardize your security clearance and your right to own a gun. In addition, it can definitely impact a person’s right in child custody cases.”

Beyond the legal issues, I am concerned about your emotional wellbeing. It sounds like your efforts to understand the breakup have taken up the space that the relationship used to fill. In other words, rather than get over Ex you have just renegotiated a new kind of coupling based on compulsive texting. Compulsive behavior – in whatever form – is hard on the body and mind. True, yours may be rooted in the pursuit of answers to a legitimate question but this has morphed into something else. When we act compulsively it is because we are seeking a release for anxiety. But if the compulsion is also injurious (e.g. it robs us of our self-respect or puts us at risk of legal action) it becomes part of a continuous loop of self-harm.

For you, I recommend more self care, and absolutely no more preventable self-harm. But it is up to you to decide whether or not it’s time to change things. The good news is that you have help on this path. This isn’t just about willpower – a losing bet on its own – it’s about building new skills and trying new routines. Block Ex’s number from your phone today and then buy a book about compulsive behavior or look into finding a therapist who can help you map this new territory.

Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.