Body & Soul

Natalie Koltun • July 16, 2014

The beauty of eating mainly raw fruits, vegetables and legumes is you can turn your oven off for the summer.

The raw food diet is a fad that has been around for years. It emphasizes the benefits of exclusively eating uncooked foods in their natural state. Proponents claim cooking or heating of any kind diminishes most of the vitamins and minerals in food and kills natural enzymes that boost digestion and fight chronic disease. Many raw food aficionados believe this diet helps to clear headaches and allergies and boost the body’s immunity.

Even Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, has adopted the unusual diet to maintain her fit figure and radiant complexion. Popular raw dishes she enjoys include watermelon salads, gazpacho, tabbouleh and ceviche, a Latin American fish recipe.

This plant-based diet is similar to that of vegans and vegetarians. It consists of fruits, vegetables, sprouts, nuts, seeds, sprouted grains, beans and raw fish. Nutritional perks include an abundance of vitamins, minerals, fiber and antioxidants to reduce the appearance of aging. Some individuals even practice this diet to lose weight, due to the food being naturally low in calories, fat and sodium. The raw food diet is heavy in fruits and vegetables and low in saturated fat and salt and is consequently associated with healthy levels of cholesterol, blood pressure and a reduced risk of heart disease.

Though eating raw food has become popular among celebrities and royalty, it certainly has its drawbacks. Restrictive diets such as this are linked to growth problems from a potential lack of protein and are not recommended for growing children. Those who are pregnant, elderly or sick should avoid this diet due to the risk of foodborne illnesses from uncooked or unpasteurized foods.

In addition to potential health risks, adopting the raw food lifestyle certainly takes a toll on the wallet.

Specialty stores are preferred by raw foodists for their variety of organic, natural food options, yet are oftentimes pricier than a general grocery store. Once the food has been purchased, meal preparation can be quite extensive due to juicing, blending or dehydrating, which requires expensive appliances of up to several hundreds of dollars.

Another challenge faced by those who eat raw is eating out. It can be difficult to enjoy dining in restaurants because raw dishes are not standard fare on most menus. Khepra’s Raw Food Juice Bar, 402 H St., NE, is one of the few raw, organic restaurants in Washington, D.C. Khepra’s specializes in serving fresh salads, entrees, desserts and juices that are packed with vitamins and natural flavors, perfect for vegetarian or raw food customers.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • July 2, 2014

*Dear Stacy:*

*My wife reads your column, so I am hoping you and I can work together to convince her that she needs some help. She is a stay-at-home mother to our three kids, and she’s fabulous at the job. To make it possible for her to stay at home, I work long hours in a competitive field. We met when I was in law school. She has always known what kind of career I wanted, and for the most part has always been very supportive of my work.*

*In recent months, she has been very needy. She calls me at work and gets upset when I can’t make room in my schedule to talk to her. I think she is overwhelmed by the demands of her position and it is causing her to be depressed. I think she needs therapy and I am happy to pay for it. She refuses, saying she thinks the problem is our relationship. She is insisting we go to couples therapy, but I know that won’t help her. I want her to feel better and have the support I know she will get with her own counselor. Please put better words to my request. I am completely supportive of her and only want her to feel better. She needs help to do that.*

*- Wanting the Best for Her*

Dear Wanting,

I need to start by saying I do not doubt your good intentions here. Not even a little bit. But you are doing this all wrong. No one ever got better when her spouse responded to her loneliness by saying, “Go get yourself some help, I’m buying.” She has asked you to join her in couples therapy – what do you have to lose? If you bristle when thinking about that question, then it seems you actually might benefit from that kind of work.

With the exception of serious mental health disorders, my experience has been that a couple’s relationship is actually the best space for healing. If Dear Wife leaves your dyad, and finds a gentle and caring counselor to walk with her through whatever she’s experiencing, at the end of the day you are not the one witnessing or inspiring that healing. This will put more distance between you. And if you fall into the category of Ambitious-Law-School-Trained-Competitive-Field-Dweller that you describe, I’m guessing that more distance is the last thing your marriage needs.

Work with her to find a couples counselor with a schedule that fits both of your calendars. Leave the rest of the work to that person. If s/he thinks Dear Wife will benefit from individual treatment, trust that s/he will say so. In the interim, consider how much you might learn and how much you both could benefit. If you really want the best, that’s the gold standard.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.*

Georgetowner • June 18, 2014

Dear Stacy:

My friend/coworker is going through a bad divorce. She was struggling for a long time before they separated and I did my best to support her by listening and (sometimes) offering advice. But now it’s all we talk about. It happens during work, on lunch breaks, at happy hour, ALL THE TIME. I don’t even usually ask her how it’s going, she just steers the conversation back to it every single time. I really do feel bad for her situation, but I can’t take this anymore. She has no filter and does not seem to recognize my social cues. She needs a therapist, or a better friend. What can I do?

– Done With Listening

Dear Done,

You actually do sound like a good friend, but a friend who is fed up. That’s okay. Many of us in the field have clients who first came to therapy saying, “My friends are sick of listening to me, so I needed to find someone else.” If you think you can be gentle about it (and I mean really, really gentle), you might suggest that she find someone who is trained to help support a person going through a divorce, because you “know she is hurting” and you “want her to feel better.”

But if she doesn’t take this hint, you should say something about how her struggle is making you feel, because it is making you feel something, and she might not know that. There is no reason to be harsh about it (e.g., “You are such a downer, Louise.”). If you are a good friend, you might be doing her a favor by admitting that her experience has become a burden for you (e.g., “I am noticing that I have a hard time moving on after we talk about your divorce. If I am having this kind of reaction by proxy, I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I really hope you can get to a place where you don’t have to bring this into the office every day. Is there anything I can do to help you with that?”).

Venting is a wonderful – and often necessary – tool for people to express pent-up emotions and move into a better space. But this behavior can be addictive. When we are allowed to take up all the space in a relationship with our own airing of grievances, we don’t always see that we are taking some of that space away from a friend. Acknowledging your true feelings about the circumstances can help steer the friendship back to more of a balance. And if the end result is that she is motivated to find a professional to talk with? Well, then you’ve been the catalyst for a real solution.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Georgetowner • June 4, 2014

Dear Stacy:

I had a pretty promiscuous period in my late teens and early 20s, when I dated a lot of the wrong kinds of guys and found myself in very embarrassing situations. Today I am in a stable, long-term relationship with a man I love more than anything in the world. We’re both about to turn 30 and I am pretty sure he’s planning to propose as part of the festivities. I want to marry him, but I worry about my past coming back to haunt me. I have told my boyfriend about some of the things I did back then, but not everything. I know I was pretty irresponsible and am lucky I came out of that period with my health (yes, I’ve been tested) and some self-esteem. I know my boyfriend loves me for me, and that he doesn’t think a thing about my past, but I worry that someday someone will tell him a story about me that will show him he was all wrong in choosing me. I’m not sure I can live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

– Storied Past

Dear Storied,

I feel so much for your situation, because all of us could look back on a mistake we made and cringe in the way it sounds like you are cringing now. I’m sure that most of us would be doubly embarrassed if the Love of Our Life was made privy to all of those details as well. What seems uncommon is the sense I get that you might be considering forgoing a marriage to someone you “love more than anything in the world.” Does that seem like a reasonable exchange? Trading your long-term happiness for some embarrassing details?

I can imagine your response would be more about the content of those details, and I know that, to you, they probably seem earth-shattering and irreconcilable. If we are talking about ongoing, intrusive thoughts of your own unworthiness and fear of being found out, I obviously recommend that you find a professional to talk this through. But if Boyfriend is the person you are imagining building a life with, shouldn’t that image also include the gifts of honesty and forgiveness, when necessary?

I’m not suggesting that you sit Boyfriend down and detail your past in timeline format. But an honest conversation about how you’re wrestling with these feelings of insecurity and fear would be a great step as you build a foundation for this partnership you want to last a lifetime. That “foundation” that we therapists are always talking about? It’s actually made of moments when disappointments were followed by the kind of forgiveness that deepens a couple’s commitment.

I think you’re halfway there. You already know how fully you value this relationship (some couples never get that far). Now put in the effort to let Boyfriend show you how much he values you.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Stacy Notaras Murphy • May 9, 2014

*Dear Stacy:*

I am struggling with my relationship with my elementary school-aged daughter. She is my firstborn and we have always had a good relationship, but recently she has started rejecting many of the activities we used to enjoy as a family. She has been doing ballet since she was two, but now she refuses to go to class. It’s a fight every week. She also gets very frustrated when I help her with her schoolwork. She is falling behind in reading and I want to help her (I was very good in school), but she gets angry and then won’t do anything at all. My husband has a much better rapport with her lately and I am jealous that she is more comfortable taking direction from him. Every day I try to start off new, with a plan to be her biggest cheerleader, but it usually takes a negative turn and we wind up yelling at each other. I never thought I would be this kind of a mom.
– Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

Whew – I can relate to this letter! I have been afraid of the teenage years since the moment I found out I was pregnant with a girl. Although, chronologically, mine is only in kindergarten, attitude-wise she’s already giving us a hint of what those years might be like. My immediate advice is for you to be gentler with her, and with yourself when responding.

My hope is that you can separate your hopes and dreams for Daughter from the reality of Daughter. She has outgrown ballet, as most of us do. Maybe it’s sooner than you would have liked, but she is not you. Meanwhile, not all of us mothers are teachers by nature (especially those who were naturally “very good in school”). You just might not be the best reading coach for Daughter. What you are, and what you should always strive to be, is the right guide for her.

This means that you are the one to guide her toward the right tutors, coaches and activities, those that will help her thrive. Yes, that person might be Dad for a period of time, but even he won’t be the Chosen One forever. You will need other resources. Be proactive and start compiling a list.

The daily fights sound so exhausting, but most kids don’t actually seek out opportunities to be irritating (surprising as that may sound). Take some time to stand outside the regularly scheduled arguments – what’s really happening during those times? Are you missing something she’s asking for? Could Dad be a helpful support, preventing you from being so overwhelmed that you do and say things you regret? What about asking Daughter what she thinks? Even at a very young age, she might have some insight about what you both can do to soften those difficult moments.

In the short term, this kind of negotiation could make life more bearable. But in the long term? You just might teach her an invaluable lesson: while all our parents are fallible humans, they are also always on our team.

Stacy Notaras Murphy [www.stacymurphyLPC.com](http://www.stacymurphylpc.com/) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to [stacy@georgetowner.com](mailto:Stacy@georgetowner.com).

Georgetowner • April 11, 2014

Dear Stacy:

I’m a stay-at-home mother of three whose husband works a very busy, very “important” job. He is never home. We have learned to just accept that he is not part of our day-to-day lives. My husband’s brother lives near us with his family and I am always sad when we make plans to get together and he gets to be there but my husband never seems to be able to pull away from work. We do have a nice lifestyle, but even with the financial resources things don’t feel “easy.” We decided to have a third child despite the fact that things were already pretty strained, mainly because we both come from big families and always thought that was what we wanted. Now I find myself resenting him, and I know you always say that resentment is bad for a relationship. I just don’t know how to talk myself out of these feelings anymore.

– Resentment Building

Dear Resentment,

First, I am hopeful that you get a lot of support from your family and friends about this very difficult situation. But I’m not going to offer the same sounding board that (I hope) they provide you. This is a very common dynamic and I want to offer some insights from your potential future selves – the selves I often see in my office for couples counseling.

Potential Future You is awash in anger. She has no other choice. She has allowed the situation to take over her life and has lost her ability to lay down her defenses and be vulnerable. (CHEAT SHEET: Vulnerability is where we connect to other people. Period.) Potential Future Him is also angry – mostly at himself, but it looks like anger toward you. The regular arguments have eroded the intimacy and now the only way you spend real time together is during battle. When I prescribe regular intimacy interventions (e.g., date night, calendar appointments for sex, intentional dialogues), you each wait for the other one to go first and then nothing happens, building resentment. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

The good news is that you are not yet Potential Future You. Instead, you are you today, recognizing that your marriage is struggling and seeking advice. The first step is to gain some insight into how this situation came about. If your mind just jumped to blaming Husband, that’s okay, but it’s not productive – nor is it entirely true. It’s not solely his fault. You must take responsibility for your role. Are you a person who always ignores her own feelings? Do you hold it all in until your frustrations metabolize into depression or physical ailments? Figure that part out. Then bring your findings to Husband. Be vulnerable. Ask for understanding, first, and then negotiate for change. Get outside guidance if you think you’re ready for it. You can learn to reconnect.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacy@georgetowner.com.

Serafine George • March 13, 2014

Washington offers many beautiful, historic sites for tourists and residents alike, several of which could also serve as the backdrop for wedding ceremonies.

On the National Mall there are three places to say ‘I do’: The Jefferson Memorial west lawn, the George Mason Memorial and the D.C. War Memorial. Though stunning and unique locations, having a wedding here takes a lot of preparation. First, couples must apply for a special use permit at the D.C. parks commission. These permits can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to process and cost $90. At the Jefferson Memorial, a wedding is allotted two hours for set up, the ceremony and the break down. Even less time is allowed at the George Mason Memorial where there is a one hour limit and no setup allowed. If you’re planning on having a professional photographer at any of the locations, you’ll need to file an additional form and pay a $50 fee.

Whether you’re having a wedding for four people or a thousand, Nationals Park could be your venue. The park offers many different sized spaces as well as catering from Levy Restaurants. Food choices range from baseball fare to plated dinners. You don’t have to be a baseball enthusiast to have your wedding here, but if you are, you can have batting practice on the field or an appearance by the mascots to make the day even more special.

The Whitemore House, home to the Women’s National Democratic Club, is a historic mansion in DuPont Circle that welcomes weddings. The house is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and was granted museum status in 2000. The house has nine rooms and an outdoor courtyard for guests to enjoy. The venue provides catering for smaller groups, but outside catering is permitted. Bartenders are provided and all alcohol must be purchased through the house.
The National Building Museum on F Street N.W. is a prestigious venue where guests will be greeted with 75-foot Corinthian columns in the great hall. The space can accommodate up to 1,600 guests. Couples need to hire their own caterers and any other desired vendors.

The Newseum holds events on the seventh and eighth floor which can accommodate multiple events. The museum itself can be booked as well offering views of the Capitol, National Mall and surrounding museums. Weddings are held on the terraces. Food and beverage service is exclusively done by Wolfgang Puck Catering.
Looking for a green wedding that’s a little less in touch with nature? The National Press Club just might be your venue. As part of their green initiative, they are completely powered by wind power. The club is centrally located downtown. Situated on the 13th floor of the National Press Building, the Club offers a variety of rooms and an in-house caterer. [gallery ids="101655,145177,145181" nav="thumbs"]

Georgetowner • February 13, 2014

DEAR STACY:
My wife and I have a pretty great marriage.
We have been together for more than 10 years,
have kids and are each other’s best friend. But
Valentine’s Day always presents a dilemma for
me. She loves Valentine’s Day and I hate it. I
think it’s a manufactured holiday that forces
people to prove something that they already
prove on a daily basis. She loves all the silly
little parts of it (think teddy bears holding satin
hearts). Every time I think about celebrating
this stupid holiday, I get annoyed. I have tried
to explain this to her, but she is a textbook
hopeless romantic and always wants me to
play along. In recent years I have tried to show
her how useless a holiday it is by not really
acknowledging it at all, which of course leads
to a big fight. I’m not actually a jerk, but am I
supposed to fake it with her just to make her
happy? It doesn’t make any sense. We have the
same fight every year.
– Anti-Valentine’s Day

Dear Anti,
Well, you have certainly made yourself
known on this topic. Less than 200 words, and
I have absolutely no doubt how you feel about
Valentine’s Day, which probably means Wife
and Kids also know how you feel. And yet, she
continues to want to celebrate your love each
year, like clockwork. You poor, poor thing.
I actually do mean to be flip, but I will
explain myself. You are very clear about how
you feel about the holiday. Wife has done the
same. Now you are pouting because she doesn’t
agree with you. I’m not sure I don’t agree with
you, actually, but you aren’t getting anywhere
by grousing about it, not to mention the futility
of trying to teach your best friend a lesson by
ignoring her desire to celebrate your relationship.
Couplehood – partnerships of all kind, really
– demands that we spend a lot of time considering
things from the other person’s point of
view and then acting on that knowledge. You
haven’t described Wife’s Valentine’s wants as
being totally bizarre or even unmanageable,
just “annoying” (they sell those teddy bears
just about everywhere). What about focusing
on the positive–your best friend loves it
when you acknowledge her on Valentine’s Day.
That’s a very easy way to make her feel cared
for and loved. The memory of that feeling is the
fuel that gets us through the inevitable rough
patches in a relationship. Consider Valentine’s
Day (and the ubiquitous, cheesy options for
marking it) to be a foolproof, yet highly effective
boost to your relationship energy and just
get her the teddy bear.

Stacy Notaras Murphy www.stacymurphyLPC.
com is a licensed professional counselor and certified
Imago Relationship therapist practicing in
Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com.