Living

Georgetowner • September 24, 2014

Dear Stacy:

My husband pays no attention to me. Period. We live separate lives under the same roof. We made a decision not to have kids before we got married, but now I realize there’s very little holding us together besides financial stress. I am thinking about having an affair with my co-worker to burn off some sexual energy. I really don’t want to divorce, but I need someone to care about me. Is this a good idea?

–Affair or no?

Dear Affair:

Nope, this is not a good idea.
But you knew that already, so let’s just cross “co-worker affair” off our list of possible remedies and get down to the real business.

You say there is little holding you two together. What does that really mean? Do you come from a place where obligation is the reason people stay together? If so, that’s part of the problem. The solution is learning the other reasons people stay together and then checking to see if you two have those reasons or can at least work to achieve them. This kind of relationship malaise is not uncommon, but it is toxic over time. Time to put in some effort on the clean up.

I’m going to recommend therapy as a place to start, but if that feels too hard right now, start with a conversation – and not the one you might be fantasizing about. That one, where you dramatically tell Husband you are considering an affair with a co-worker. That one is not going to end the way you want it to, with a declaration of love on your husband’s part and a renewed sense of lasting intimacy. The better conversation needs to be about you feeling like he has no interest in you and the impact that has on your own functioning (e.g. “When I feel like you don’t see me, I feel lonely and abandoned…”). Channel your needs back into the relationship – at least for a little while – so you can see if there’s anything left to grow between you.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.
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Georgetowner • September 10, 2014

Two bags of Peanut M&Ms from the gas station, a shared bottle of Aquafina, a touring guide to Loudoun County wineries, and we were off to get a quick handle on the whole “wine thing” that everyone talks about but that we snarked-off as a bit too snobby for our down-to-earth sensibilities.  We thought our tastes had already moved up considerably from the days of Everclear punch and flat beer in red Solo cups when we up-scaled to the expensive bar shots of Patrón and Grey Goose.  Frankly, our experience with wine was limited to “Three-Buck Chuck”and Manischewitz at my mom’s house twice a year. Clearly we knew better than those haughty folks who hauled their cookies all over the place to “become one” with the grape. After all, wine is wine, right?

On the one day this month that Erin and I both have off together, we were both dead set on doing something other than our usual piling of shopping carts with projects we’ll never actually finish from Michael’s and The Home Depot. With the thought of adventure spurring us on we set out for a great adventure in the wilderness. Not actually being the super adventurous types we looked for something just far enough outside of D.C. to have cows and suitably romantic dusty back roads, but that would also still leave enough time in the day to stop at the mall in Tysons for a quick Cinnabon and then on to a movie about a raccoon and tree that help guard the galaxy.

We headed to the northern tip of Loudoun County on Route 9. Erin drove, I fell asleep and Google navigated us through a couple of short life lessons that went a long way in establishing that we were the real wine snobs.

Our first stop was the Corcoran Winery. There is a zero snooty factor about the place. Erin even used the word “charming” out loud before catching herself.  The folks hanging out at the winery seemed totally without the pretension that we had previously, and now to our mutual chagrin, derisively projected onto all those we saw as the high-born bourgeois wine-swirling and goblet-sniffing crowd.

This place was exactly what we didn’t know we needed. After walking past the rows of vines, a good number of picnic tables and ponds appeared. At the tables were folks just hanging out as if they were in some hyper-glorious rural backyard. The vibe was definitely laid-back but not sleepy. Just a few feet away stands a small, super-rustic tasting house where the people working behind the bar actually seemed to enjoy the wine they poured and the people they were pouring for. The various groups “tasting” that day included a thirty-something woman and her friends enjoying a low-key birthday celebration; another group getting ready to go to a Nat’s game; and in the corner, a cluster of three friends huddled together and shaking-off a bit of city angst before heading into a new work week.  Corcoran’s tasting room is by no means a fancy place. T-shirts, shorts and sandals seemed the outfit for the day.  It hurts a little to say, but the wine we tasted there left the “Three-Buck Chuck” and the Manischewitz we thought of as wine, as firmly displaced as the grain alcohol punches and the bad frat house beer of earlier years. We even began thinking about where in our house we could build a kinda-sorta wine rack from the wood I bought on our last outing to Home Depot for the closet shelves we both knew I’d never really get to.

Our next stop was the Crushed Cellars winery, a small boutique winery that puts out about 1,500 cases of wine from their ten acres of land. The affable owner Bob Kalok gave us a bit of a tour and showed us the actual grape part of the process as he made his way to feeding the koi in one of the winery’s ponds. We walked among the vines and while not quite Provence, by the last row Erin and I were holding hands and talking about getting out of town more often, maybe to a bed and breakfast. For God’s sake, this place even had a dog sleeping on the floor in the sun and folks sipping their wine on a terrace while over-looking the grapes that would find their way into the next batch. There was something about the serenity that seemed to seep through the place. We didn’t feel like strangers in a strange land. We were among friends we didn’t know an hour before and when we left, we left with a case of wine and no desire to get that Cinnabon. If we did rush out, it was to get home and start building that wine rack that Erin was already sketching out on the back of the Wine Touring Guide.   [gallery ids="101849,138461,138456,138453,138448,138445,138440,138469,138474,138472,138464" nav="thumbs"]

Peter Murray •

Bunny Mellon’s expansive Oak Springs Farm just hit the market, listed by Washington Fine Properties. Rachel Lambert Mellon died at the remarkable age of 103 earlier this year, and her Upperville, Va., property has just arrived on the market for a whopping $70 million. The farm was the fabulously wealthy Mellon’s greatest treasure – a private hideaway where she pursued her deepest passions and entertained some of the world’s biggest celebrities.

In Washington, D.C., Bunny and her philanthropist husband Paul Mellon are best known for their generous donation of more than 1,000 18th- and 19th-century European paintings to the National Gallery of Art. The couple also forged a fruitful relationship with the Kennedy family in the 1950s. The friendship was born on a visit to Oak Springs by first lady Jacqueline Kennedy, who was so inspired by the property that she requested Bunny’s advice on fine arts and antiques for the White House restoration. Later on during the presidency, Bunny was invited back to redesign the White House Rose Garden. She also landscaped Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis’s Martha’s Vineyard home and the JFK Presidential Library and arranged flowers for President John Kennedy’s funeral and Caroline Kennedy’s 1986 wedding in Hyannis Port, Mass.

Her Oak Springs estate embodies the things we remember most about Bunny – her passion for the arts, her love of horses, her zeal for gardening and her aversion to public attention.

Bunny cultivated the farm’s breathtaking 2,000 acres to the tee, with vine-draped arbors, sprawling meadows, neatly arranged flowerbeds and secret gardens. She added barns, stables, guest houses, a pool house, a small farmhouse that acted as Mellon’s home in later life, and the “Brick House,” a neo-Georgian mansion, designed by William Adams Delano.

Additionally, the property is sprinkled with beautiful outdoor sculpture — including a bronze statue of the Mellons’ Kentucky Derby winning horse, Sea Hero — enchanting garden fountains and classically inspired, half-draped nude stone figures. The famously private Mrs. Mellon even installed a private mile-long airstrip, a rarity at the time for a private home in the mid-Atlantic states.

Exquisite details drip from ever corner of the property’s interior space. Murals in the greenhouse trick the eye, with their trompe l’oeil portrayal of baskets, water cans and a host of other gardening supplies. Also depicted are personal items, like Bunny’s gardening hat, coat and cigarette case. The tromp d’loeil continues in the form of painted sun shade on the kitchen tiles inside Little Oak Spring, a small farmhouse, designed by H. Page Cross as a cozier house for the Mellons later on in life.

Bunny’s ardor for horticulture led to the creation of the Oak Springs Garden Library, a collection of art, artifacts, rare books and manuscripts on all things gardening. The library was expanded in 2010. Before her death Mrs. Mellon, established the Gerald B. Lambert Foundation to maintain the building and the collection it houses.

While Bunny owned properties in locales ranging from Antigua to Paris to Nantucket, she considered Oak Springs Farm her home. Accordingly, she and her husband displayed their impressive art collection, spanning centuries of work, all around their estate for their own and their guests’ enjoyment. As America’s quintessential trendsetter, Bunny was an avid collector of jewelry, clothing and other decorative objects. She even employed her own carpenter to design custom pieces for Oak Spring Farm’s interior.

Unfortunately for potential buyers, Bunny’s personal estate is not being sold alongside the farm – her treasured possessions will begin being auctioned off by Sotheby’s in November. Sales are expected to net more than $100 million with proceeds, benefitting the Garden Library and a number of other entities dear to Bunny’s heart. However, the property itself represents an opportunity for prospective buyers to own a piece of history and become a part of the Mellon’s far-reaching legacy.
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Wally Greeves •

One way a truly exceptional golf course distinguishes itself from its rivals is through the quality of excuses it makes available to golfers for poorly executed shots. Post-shot outbursts last weekend at Caledonia Golf & Fish Club in South Carolina of “Both alligators surfaced closer at the same time” and “That heron stabbed a fish in my backswing” once again confirmed this course to be one of my all-time favorite layouts.

Caledonia and its sister course, True Blue Plantation, have been Myrtle Beach itinerary favorites for years, and every year on the way home someone says, “Man, we should just play those courses every day!” Last weekend, we played the same 36 holes of golf at Caledonia and True Blue at the same times for four days in a row to put it to the test. Is too much of a good thing wonderful?

These two courses, both designed by Mike Strantz, differ from each other so greatly that they make a great pairing.

Caledonia is a kaleidoscopic whirlwind of flowers, wildlife and Spanish moss draped from massive century-old oak trees. This golf course has more energy than any other golf course I have ever played. Wing-drying cormorants line the banks, where alligators sun and white snowy egrets fly over southern fox squirrels at play. Fish jump when you are actually looking. The course feels like a Disney-animated, closed-circuit ecosystem. Caledonia showcases landscaping in a way that even the wildlife seems to appreciate.

The rolling, expansive and immaculate fairways of True Blue stand out amid what feels like 60 percent of the course that is made up of waste bunkers and has the opposite feel of being landscaped. It has a natural feel to it like Kiawah or Pinehurst. It also has a natural feel to it like a beach. The sheer amount of sand on some holes leaves open the possibility of getting so lost that your fellow golfers forget who you are by the time you get to the green. The trees and wildlife seem totally different at True Blue, and, once again, this makes for a great pairing with its big brother course. If Caledonia is the Who, then True Blue is Dire Straits.
Staying at True Blue in Pawleys Island, right next to both courses, was key to enjoying this many rounds at them. While Myrtle Beach has more than 100 courses, staying in the middle of it and running around to play golf all over has a cafeteria feel to it that I don’t like. I really liked getting to know the two courses well. I looked forward to improving on my play from prior rounds. There is a reason sports franchises compete with each other in a series. Look at the pros: they play the same course every day for five days, week in and week out. The downside to being afforded the ability to improve upon prior play is that you have no place to go but down after playing well, which can be tough. Repetitive play has a way of sucker punching the eternal optimist in every golfer.

Having the same golf schedule every day also makes it easier to plan meals, which — along with water, suntan lotion, and anti-inflammatories — become important factors in finishing rounds every day. Both courses have grill rooms with solid options and finishing hole views. Nosh and Bistro 217 are two excellent restaurants nearby for anyone left standing at the end of the day.

Golf magazine just came out with its 2014 list of “Top 100 U.S. Courses You Can Play,” and Caledonia was #27 and True Blue made the list for the first time at #77.

Architect Mike Strantz unfortunately died young in 2006 at the age of 50, or I am sure we would see a lot more of his courses in the spotlight. He worked under Tom Fazio before breaking out on his own with Caledonia in 1993. Virginia favorites Stonehouse and Royal New Kent are Strantz designs also. Tobacco Road in North Carolina is also one of the nine courses he designed.

Riding to the eighteenth green for the last time, around what is left of the former rice plantation at Caledonia, I was feeling dismayed at not having a breakthrough round on the trip. At that moment, a giant seabird spread its wings and took flight across our path, while a rabbit darted the opposite direction. While an alligator circling the green was leaving a quiet wake, a fish jumped three times in a row so close that I could see the spots on its side. Exiting the course for the last time, the starter appeared out of nowhere at our window and said, “You fellows make sure to come back and visit us again, ya hear.” In my last backward glance, I swear I thought I saw a bluebird on his shoulder.
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Peter Murray •

EverFi’s office is out of place in traditionally buttoned-up Washington. The space is an open floor plan inhabited by young, dressed down employees who have unlimited access to food and beverages in the loft kitchen and don’t hesitate to chat up their amiable CEO Tom Davidson. Unlike most D.C. offices, EverFi has no official vacation policy, no time off policy and no dress code. To top it all off, the company’s focus is on “innovation” and the walls are covered with photos of smiling EverFi team members traveling the world with their bright orange company sweatbands. EverFi would be more at home in Silicon Valley if not for its mission to overhaul the education system by infusing underfunded public schools with private sector funding.

That mission starts with EverFi’s education programs, designed to teach students from fourth grade to their senior year in college about life skills ranging from managing personal finances to drinking alcohol responsibly to developing computer code to preventing cyberbullying and sexual assault. In Davidson’s eyes, learning these skills is essential to students’, and therefore, the country’s future. However, tightly stretched school budgets and days dedicated to teaching to common core standards leave little time and funding for these topics that are essential to post-school life. When one takes into account the difficulty of teaching kids these topics and add to that a lack of topical expertise in public schools, the deck is stacked against post-graduate success for students in underfunded schools.

EverFi approaches the education system with software solutions that teach students how to maneuver around issues that their lives will revolve around in the real world. The idea sprung from Davidson’s work as a state legislator in Maine in the early 1990s. In that role, he “focused on how technology can change the classroom,” spearheading initiatives to equip students with laptops and wire schools and libraries. After talking extensively with teachers, administrators, students and parents across the country, Davidson found that underfunded schools were not teaching in areas of paramount importance – personal finances, how to get loans, computer coding and engineering. He created EverFi to bring important life lessons to underprivileged schools in an effort to take on some of the country’s “most intractable problems.” The ambitious Davidson jokes that EverFi has established a “political infrastructure” in Iowa and New Hampshire, but when asked about a return to politics, explains that “no one in their right mind would vote for me.”

Like executives at other big education technology companies headquartered in D.C., Davidson was drawn to the District. for its pool of bright young talent. He chose to headquarter in Georgetown from a recruitment standpoint, arguing that setting up home base in a “cultural center” is important to 21st-century workers. It doesn’t hurt that the office is a short commute from his Foxhall home. And while some may complain about the lack of public transit in Georgetown, Davidson argues that Capitol Bike Share and the Circulator have changed the game for his workforce and explained that the company reimburses employees to utilize these options.

So, how does EverFi’s programming make issues like financial literacy and civic engagement immediate to students who are spending seven or more hours a day at their desks? Simple. EverFi’s programs teach students “in a way that is very connected to how they learn outside the classroom.” The software combines components of gaming with elements of social media to pique students’ interest and keep them working towards in-program badges and rewards. Teachers track student progress through EverFi’s system, allowing them to give more personalized attentions to students that are falling behind on certain topics. Davidson’s kids are too young for EverFi’s programs, but he assures me that once they come of EverFi age, “they’ll be using the programs through college, whether they like it or not.”

At colleges and universities all over the country, EverFi’s programs are teaching millions of students about alcohol responsibility and sexual assault prevention during freshman orientation, before many upperclassmen even step foot back on campus. Discussions on these topics, Davidson explains, used to be handled by “RAs [resident assistants] at bad pizza parties, with no way to know whether a student learned about the subject or was even present.” EverFi’s college programs are based on information and data provided to the company by experts at the forefront of these issues. Furthermore, they create accountability by showing administrators exactly who has participated and what they have learned. While news has been abuzz of late about tech companies breaching the privacy of their consumers, Davidson assures me that only teachers have access to the identifying aspects of student data. EverFi makes improvements and updates to its programming based on data that has been stripped of identifying factors automatically by the software.

Like many companies dealing in public-private partnerships, EverFi has overcome a number of barriers in bringing their programs to schools across the country. Davidson says that the biggest barrier to EverFi’s entry in certain schools is a “crowded day for teachers who have been asked to do more than they could ever bear” in terms of institutionalized assessments and the reinforcement of the emotional state of kids. “It’s hard to go in and ask them to do one more thing,” Davidson added, arguing that EverFi provides a supplemental netting under public schools’ students without displacing their curriculum. He emphasized that his company’s software is aimed at “empowering teachers” and touted EverFi’s new partnership with the National Education Association Foundation as proof.

EverFi has overcome the financial restraints of public schools by reaching out to and partnering with the private sector. The funding model brings companies, foundations and people “with the deepest pockets,” like Tiger Woods, pop singer Pharrell Williams, JPMorgan the NBA, to the table to fund EverFi’s programs for schools and districts they care about. These individuals and entities purchase the software from EverFi and work with the company to deploy the product in a predetermined school or district. However, there is no corporate or other outside involvement in the creation of EverFi’s products. Davidson says that EverFi has and always will be a “consumer-focused company.” He envisions building the model out to erase the disparities in learning that occur between poorer and more well off schools.

EverFi has far-reaching partnerships in the area, operating its alcohol responsibility program at Georgetown University, and running its other programs in Fairfax, Arlington, Prince George’s and Montgomery County public schools. Despite being headquartered in the District, EverFi has had trouble making inroads with D.C. City Public Schools. Davidson attributes this to the fact that some “big city districts are like aircraft carriers – they are difficult to turn and engage with sometimes.” However, EverFi’s programs have been deployed at Wilson High, Anacostia Senior High School, Eaton Elementary and a number of area charter schools.

EverFi’s programs aren’t just for kids though. In recent years, the company has partnered with banks and groups like the Mortgage Bankers Association to get their financial literacy programs into the hands of adults who need them. Davidson says the company believes in the concept of “education currency,” or the idea that companies and organizations should reward people who take time to gain better information about their finances and learn how to protect themselves from predatory lending. Some companies are already rewarding consumers with lower rates, better terms and lower closing costs because they have completed EverFi’s programs and measurably learned how to be more fiscally responsible.

The end game, Davidson explains, is to build out a “very large, international company that is in the business of alleviating big social issues.” He does not want EverFi to be seen as a “socially responsible” or “double bottom line business,” but rather a company that is celebrated for bringing capital to solve the country and world’s biggest problems with education. Private capital has revolutionized industry in America with innovation, so why can’t a similar model work to bring classrooms to the 21st century? That’s the question EverFi is in the process of answering.

Georgetowner •

Dear Stacy:
After this just-starting school year, my husband and I are facing an empty nest. Due to some special needs in our family, we have spent much of the last 10 years focusing on our (now thriving) children. I think we have both been looking forward to them leaving the nest so we can finally focus on ourselves, but I realize that I am a little worried about being left alone together. We haven’t been very connected to one another throughout the last decade, and the idea of returning to an empty house and just looking at each other seems so depressing to me.
–Stressed about the Nest

Dear Stressed:

I am impressed that you are naming this fear so far in advance. Commonly, that’s the kind of unconscious concern that shows up in other forms like relentless nitpicking, public passive aggression, or addictive behaviors that numb us to our real pain. Personally, I have seen that the transition to an empty nest can be particularly isolating. But why, when so many of us actively fantasize about getting our lives “back” once Junior is successfully launched? Here’s my take: too many of us make our lives child-centric for too long. When we finally reach the finish line (a.k.a. graduation, moving out, whatever) we realize we have lost our skills at being intimate partners in favor of being co-parents.

When I say “intimate partners” I am not just talking about sex, although that’s often the reason couples finally get themselves to counseling. Rather, intimate partners are couples who turn toward each other when making decisions and setting goals. This is often a stark contrast to how we parent our teenagers, who need to be voting members in those conversations. You don’t need to change how you have been parenting, but you do need to focus on the times when you aren’t in parent-mode.

Quick fix? Make plans to get reconnected, starting now. Reinstitute date night. Start a list of things you want to do together when Junior moves out, and include easy ones (e.g., take more walks together) as well as big time fantasies (e.g., move to a new place, take a long vacation). Make sure you are incorporating appreciations into your daily life. Even if you do this already, I would imagine much of that gratitude is expressed regarding the ways each of you has been caring for Junior(s). Start to refocus that positivity on the things between you. If you need guidance feel free to use my go-to appreciations categories: what you look like, what you do, and who you are. You can make this better, but it will take some time and talk to get there.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only, and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.

Peter Murray • August 20, 2014

Bose SoundLink Mini Bluetooth Speaker — $199

This portable speaker is perfect for the new school year. Bose products are known for their great sound quality, and this speaker lives up to expectations, packing a punch while easily fitting in your bag. Bluetooth lets you or friends pick the tunes from your phone without the hassle of wires.

Spotify — $10 per month

While Spotify Premium may not be a gadget technically speaking, the service and app that come with it are a must-have for college students. Spotify’s deep library is not unique to the music streaming service, but the company’s social features blow competitors Beats, Pandora and Rdio out of the water. Users have the option of linking their account to their Facebook page, which allows them to send music to friends, check out playlists made by other users and tune into classmates’ listening tastes to discover new songs. The $10 per month price tag may seem expensive up front but with all of your friends’ and the world’s music at your fingertips, the price is worth it.

Panasonic RPTCM125K Headphones — $15

These in-ear headphones have all of the features a student could need, including high quality sound, an ergonomic fit and a connected microphone with a remote. They are also easy to replace if broken or lost in the whirlwind of student life. If you’re looking for more high-end in-ear or over-ear headphones, avoid flashy brand Beats and get a pair of Audio-Technica, Sennheiser or Klipsch headphones.

Google Chromecast — $35

Google released the Chromecast last summer as a cheap alternative to the Apple TV. The device is incredibly easy to set up and allows users to watch content from their Netflix, YouTube, HBO GO, Hulu and ESPN accounts on their television. Users can also stream anything from their computer or mobile device to their TV in seconds through the Chrome browser.

MacBook Air 13-inch with $100 dollar Apple Store gift card (before Sept. 9) — $999

The MacBook Air is a great computer for students. It fits nicely into any bag or backpack, weighing only three pounds. With a battery that lasts up to 12 hours, students can leave their chargers in their dorm room and know that they’ll have enough battery life for class, the library and anything else they may need their computer for later on. Be sure to show your college ID for a discount and take advantage of Apple’s back-to-school deal, which gives away a $100 dollar Apple gift card with every MacBook purchased.

GoPro Hero3+ — $400

GoPro’s latest iteration brings a high-end HD video camera to the palm of your hand. The “smaller, lighter, mightier” camera is perfect for weekend trips, outdoor adventures on the Potomac, urban exploring and filming college hijinks. The GoPro app makes sharing videos with family and friends easy. The app can also be used as a remote controller for the camera.

Kodak PixPro Smart Lens SL10 — $230

Kodak’s PixPro Smart Lens system is a powerful camera that easily clips on to your Apple or Android smartphone. While other products attempt to enhance your smartphone’s camera, the Kodak PixPro is a standalone that sends high quality photos to users’ phones using Bluetooth technology. The PixPro Smart Lens is available in a 10x and 25x zoom and is a great product for amateur and more serious photographers.
(Exclusive deals at Radio Shack for both lenses.)

Kindle Paperwhite without Special Offers — $139

Amazon’s Kindle Paperwhite is the most advanced and easiest to use e-reader on the market right now. The touch screen device does a handy job of replicating the feeling of reading a paper book and is conveniently backlit for nighttime reading. In addition, the Kindle allows readers access to Amazon’s vast collection of reasonably priced e-books, which includes free classics that are covered in class but not by copyright laws.

Fitbit Flex — $100

Fitbit is leading the pack in wearable health technology with its subtle, comfortable wristbands. The company sells a variety of band products enhanced with hardware that tracks physical activity, calories burned and even how well you sleep. The band transmits this data to the fitbit app, which helps you set fitness goals and set your alarm to optimize your sleep schedule.
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Georgetowner •

Dear Stacy:

My sister-in-law and I are great friends. We live near one another and spend a lot of time together, even when our husbands are not around. I just learned that she is pregnant and although her pregnancy isn’t really a surprise, she doesn’t know that I have been trying to get pregnant for more than a year. My husband and I have started working with a fertility clinic, but it’s not something I want to talk about yet. She wants to talk about everything, though, and it’s making it hard to be around her. Yes, I am jealous, but I’m also sad and pretty irritated that she is so clueless. What can I do?

–Don’t Wanna Talk About It

Dear Don’t:
I am so sorry you have to manage the stress of fertility treatments plus the very-human cocktail of jealousy and anger you describe. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating that there’s little point in pretending you don’t have these feelings. We don’t talk ourselves out of our feelings – we can talk ourselves out of acting on them, but the feelings get to stay.

The trouble with your letter is that you are suffering a deep disappointment, but also expecting Sister-in-Law to read your mind. She’s not “clueless,” she’s being kept in the dark. You get to have all the information and she gets judged for not being more sensitive. That’s not fair. If you are the great friends you say you are, I would hope that you could trust her enough to bring her in on all you are facing. There is a middle space between fawning over her good news and acknowledging your own pain – that’s where real friendships are born.

But if the time still is not right to disclose your information, then you will have to decide how to manage your frustrations on your own. That could mean avoiding her altogether, risking long-term damage to your relationship, or putting on a happy face when you are together, which could be seen as fake and confusing to others. In any event, lay off the name-calling before you actually give her the chance to show up and be the support you really might need.

Georgetowner • August 18, 2014

Good news for the skincare obsessed: Toma Skin Therapies has officially landed in Washington. On Aug. 4, beauty and wellness gurus Tori Paide and Marla Peoples transported their celebrated wellness destination, the Still Point spas, to the heart of D.C. The entrepreneurial duo welcomed a slew of media attendees and D.C. notables to the pop-up event at Luxxery Express on Wisconsin Avenue. Attendees enjoyed express treatments from the wellness spa’s skilled practitioners, including hand and scalp massages and sonic dermabrasion services. [gallery ids="101829,139189,139194,139206,139185,139204,139200" nav="thumbs"]

Mary Ann Treger • August 7, 2014

“It’s like discovering a pearl in the wilderness,” says a Versace-clad woman to her dinner companions while I sip a glass of Cabernet and savor a bit of eavesdropping at Blackberry Farm. It is the perfect description.

Few would expect such refinement in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains in eastern Tennessee. Don’t bother looking for a sign on the main road to guide you to a place where chic and sheep coincide–gawkers are discouraged. In fact, the average tourist has never heard of this rural retreat and that suits Blackberry Farm just fine. They don’t advertise. Instead, word-of-mouth, articles in high-end publications, top rankings on nearly every “best resort” list plus awards from the James Beard Foundation and Wine Spectator feed the momentum. Hollywood celebs, West Coast techies and those in the know (rumor has it Oprah and Martha Stewart have stayed here) frequent this bucolic resort/spa/gourmet getaway for exceptional and very private R&R.

Even the word “resort” feels wrong; “experience” is a better description. With only 62 rooms and cottages on 4,200 acres (plus an additional 5,000 acres of private wilderness for fox hunting, horseback riding, fly fishing or hiking) this Relais & Chateaux working farm and gastronomic mecca offers perks that are far from its golf and ski alternatives (they don’t have either.)

They do have a dairy, creamery, charcuterie and brewery plus a master cheesemaker, beekeeper, chocolatier and preservationist who oversees all jam making. Jams are sold on the farm as well as to fancy food emporiums throughout the U.S. (the blueberry is to die for).

All vegetables served are grown on the farm and only heirloom seeds are used. Milk from the sheep is used to make their yogurt and cheeses. A butcher and baker are on staff and odds are, a candlestick maker is there, too. The sommelier and his team oversee a 221 page wine list representing 160,000 bottles, including rare vintages such as a $14,000 bottle of Montrachet.

There’s more. The farm is cultivating truffles. To hunt for them, assuming they materialize (there are no guarantees for this ten-year project), they breed rare Lagotto Romagnolo dogs imported from Italy. Fall in love with a puppy? They are for sale–$6,000 each, trained with commands given exclusively in Italian, of course. Untrained, the price is halved.

Privately owned and managed by the Beall family since the early 70’s, Blackberry Farm employs a staff of 375 to care for its pampered guests. Room rates include three glorious meals each day and begin at $795; cottage suites from $1495.

The place has been on my bucket list since before bucket lists became trendy. When the farm’s new spa, Wellhouse, opened I talked my husband into a three night stay.

On arrival, our car is whisked away. We won’t need it again until we leave–each cottage comes with its own golf cart. If we want a lift anywhere, a fleet of new Lexus cars is available, with or without a driver.

From the outside, our dark brown wood-framed cottage tucked in the woods appears unremarkable. Inside, we find all the bells and whistles of a luxury hotel–soaring 17-foot ceiling in the living/bedroom, polished wood floors topped with eclectic furnishings, Frette linens and robes plus a pantry stocked with complimentary snacks. The bathroom is big enough for a family reunion.

Despite the temptation to hang out in the fancy digs, we head outdoors, winding our way through pastures dotted with horses and a dozen piglets following their mom. We discover a crystal clear trout stream, a tranquil lake and we linger at the boat house before putting a canoe to use. While there are plenty of activities—yoga, fly fishing, horseback riding, and archery for starters–there is something to be said for doing nothing. The only thing on my ‘to do’ list is visiting the spa.

Face down on the massage table, my dings and dents are tweaked with warm poultices filled with healing herbs and flowers that are pressed into my body. The warmth and fragrance reduce me to Jell-O. Am I detoxed as the treatment promises? Who cares. I head to the outdoor pool and fantasize about our next hedonistic adventure: dinner.

“Good evening” says the tall young man who swoops down upon us, ready to fulfill our every wish. I’m having trouble focusing on menu choices. Instead, I’m fixated on the room, a splendid turn-of-the-century barn with high ceilings and massive beams.

I place the snowy white antique linen napkin on my lap and scan the French china and sterling silver. Given the game plan, we anticipate a hoity-toity menu. While there is plenty of haute cuisine, the forward-thinking chef creatively combines fancier fare with southern Foothills food. And, he doesn’t take himself too seriously–Guinea Hen Croquettes with White Truffle Sauce are served on a bed of “straw” topping a piece of tree bark. My husband’s pate is served on slate at the same time my Swiss Chard Salad is presented on white gold-rimmed china.

Dinner may be the star each day but breakfast and lunch aren’t far behind. Both are served in a room you would expect to find in a private country estate. In our cozy banquette, surrounded by the owner’s impressive art collection and antique furnishings, we decide that the most beautiful art (and there’s plenty of it) is the daily vista of fog hanging over the Smokies as viewed from the sprawling stone terrace.

By day three, we’re accustomed to being spoiled. At checkout, a perky young man appears with two boxed lunches for our trip home. Even they aren’t ordinary–turkey sandwiches with scallion mayonnaise on rosemary flatbread, containers of radish and stewed-apple salad and the most extraordinary chocolate chip cookies on the planet.

As we drive down the country road, with windows wide open, a blast of fresh warm air whips my face. All I can utter is one word, ‘a-maz-ing.’ Maybe tomorrow I’ll think of something more poetic. [gallery ids="101828,139214,139219,139225,139208,139228,139240,139236,139233" nav="thumbs"]